Broken hearted

  • israeli40

    Posts: 5

    Jan 26, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    3 weeks ago, he broke up with me after I pushed him to do so. We had an argument because I wanted to talk about us, sort our problems out but he took it as a joke.

    I said, I am frustrated, you don't care, if you want... leave me. He always said he couldn't because he was attached to me. He broke up with me and has stuck to his guns.

    He has told his best friend he still loves and cares for me very much. He is just tired of all the arguments we have been having. He doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was the first person he has a connection with.

    A day after I did no contact he started to message me, whats up, whats wrong I am worried about you. After 3 days I wrote back I am ok. Why you texting, you broke up with me. He said, just because I let you go doesn't me I don't care.

    I called him and I asked him what was going on and if there was no hope for us, to let me go. He blew up and said he will. He removed me as a friend on FB. But kept 9 of my friends who he met but is not in touch with on his FB.

    It's been 3 weeks since we broke up, the longest we have had with no contact was 4 days. Usually me contacting him. A week and half into the break up, he joined scruff app sex site again, and it breaks my heart. he said he is just using it to talk to people. I don't believe that because I did a couple of test post to him. He was quick to meet me for sex. He also suspected it may have been me. He isn't so sure.

    Anyhow, every time I would contact him, he responded. But never made the first move. I asked him if we could talk and he said I will try and allocate time for you. He has been hot and cold. Even though he broke up with me, he is still offering to help me out by buying my bus tickets at his work beacuse they are cheaper, or lending me money etc........

    This last week he has been cold and ignoring me. He is on the sex site all the time. I sent him a text on Thursday saying:

    It is with a heavy heart that I send this but I relaise now that you don't want me in your life. I am going to leave you alone. If you change your mind, you know how to contact me. Take care, I have no ill will for you.

    I basically let him go.

    What do you guys think is going on with him? He does love and care for me, I asked him just after we broke up if he was in love withe me he said he doesn't know. He posted on his FB wall, empty voids filled with distractions. And also, feel the pain.

    Is Scruff app site being used to fill the void? Why is he being so cold towards me and ignoring me? Its only been two days since I sent him the let go text.

    Any insight from you guys?

    PS: Last Wednesday night, we had a nice long 2 hour chat on the phone, the next morning he acted all cold. Still is.

    It hurts me he is back on Scruff after such a short time
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 5:08 PM GMT

    "He has told his best friend he still loves and cares for me very much.."

    This does not mean he's still IN love with you.

  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 26, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    Sigh. The internet is useful for many things, relationship counseling not so much. You'll get all kinds of opinions... basically to move on and let it go.

    The truth is, relationships require maintenance, attention and a willingness of both men to communicate with one another. By "communicate," I mean talking but more than that. Both need to listen to the other and self-reflect. There are a variety of techniques for this but the most important aspect is learning to discover what one really feels and making that known and then having that received and acknowledged by the other. Anything other than that becomes drama, acting out and pent up sadness, grief, anger and rage.

    The thing is, absent sitting down together with a real counselor that has these skills and can help both of you learn them, there's little hope of learning them by reading a book or reading what someone has to say on a forum.

    Years ago my first partner and I were members of an on-going gay couples group that met ever three weeks for seven years. The men in it knew peer-facilitation skills and worked with one another to help sustain the various relationships. The evenings would begin with a social time and pot-luck meal at one of the member couple's homes. Afterward we'd take a couple hours (there were usually 7 couples present, 14 guys) to share what was going on in our relationships and get feed-back from the other members. It would be impossible short of a book to describe the kinds of interactions that took place but it was a tremendous help to all of us -- which is why it went on for so long. I only left the group after my partner's death.

    So, short of knowing you and your now x-bf in person and knowing your personalities, quirks, positives and negatives, etc., it is impossible to say anything truly helpful. Obviously you're both hurting and struggling with that hurt trying to find how to move on. It's a shame that we don't learn these communication skills, especially how to listen to one another and ourselves.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    British author Jane Austin wrote a novel called Pride and Prejudice, one of my favorites. The gay version might be called Pride and Stubbornness.

    I read this as both of you pouting from wounded pride, and refusing to concede the point. The solution is to take a hiatus, and see what happens. It may take months, or a year. During which one or both of you may discover you've gotten over the other during that time, or both of you discover your mistake in parting.

    Maybe you guys aren't a good match, I would have no idea. How long have you been together, and to what degree? I presume never living together, based on your narrative. Basically dating?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 6:11 PM GMT
    i have gone through this stuff. its a lot of lessons to learn all at once....

    give your self a break and just find yourself for a while....

    i have always thought that gay men are robbed of a natural dating maturity during the teen years, and often college,.... and this, leads to very emotionally immature adults, who, flounder like a fish out of water ....

    then these events happen, and its just a lot to take on all at once...... breathe.
  • israeli40

    Posts: 5

    Jan 29, 2013 8:51 PM GMT

    I have no effng idea what is going on now. I was in a movie last night and my ex tried calling. I text back to say I am in a movie. He said "can you call me later on", I wrote back, I have nothing to say to you.

    Long story short. He has been getting prank calls from blocked number and someone ringing him up being rude. He said he thought it was me. It isn't, I was in a movie when he got a text message saying nice profile on scruff,

    I called him after the movie and told him it wasn't me.

    The next day, I text him to see if he is ok. He said he will see me tonight.

    We met up and he was really sweet. The conversation was light, not used on the break up or when or if we are getting back. He said he was shocked that I said 'I have nothing to say to you". Maybe he knew this was me moving on. Did he expect me to be laying around crying waiting for him.

    He also said he was FB stalking me, asking me about who is this new guy I am waiting for (then he said "I ain't going to stop you". Which I thought was weird.

    he asked me how many guys have I met up with since the split over three weeks ago and I said none. You should know me by now.

    He said he hasn't met up with anyone either. He was on scruff but deleted it. He didn't know why he was on it. I believe him when he says this.

    the meeting lasted 2 hours. He was telling me he is off on a trip and do I want anything. He kept asking me do you want me to buy you clothing or anything.

    Then when we were about to leave he asked Do you want a hug. I said Yes, we hugged for 20 seconds and he walked off.

    A week ago he was cold and now he is all loving. What is going on? There was no when will I see you again, what is happening? He just walked off.

    I personally think he is confused. He knew I was moving on. No this is a set back for me. I am not contacting him now. He can chase me.

    What do you guys think is going on with him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2013 9:02 PM GMT
    This all sounds like grade school melodrama. Your profile says you are 40 and how old is he?

    If you are serious about the break up don't answer his calls or texts, don't stalk him on scruff or any other hook up sites, and remove him from Facebook.

    Problem solved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2013 9:03 PM GMT
    Is it just me, but do I tune out when OP's write over three paragraphs?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2013 9:08 PM GMT
    Only thing I will say is make up your mind instead of just hanging in there hoping that things will go back to what they used to be. Otherwise you both will keep hurting each other for a longer period of time and more you keep in contact worst it will get. Breaking up is hard .Accept that and move on!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    Roguewave saidIs it just me, but do I tune out when OP's write over three paragraphs?

    Not if they included photos though I'll bet! :p