Setting Boundaries with a significant other

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for for 18 months. We get along great in all ways except one. He is a hoarder. We maintain separate homes which is not a problem. However things have been coming up lately which are starting to bother me a lot. I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries in order to keep my sanity.

    First issue: I always have to host. In other words I cannot go to his house. I know its a mess, he knows it's a mess, he is 'making progress' cleaning it, he claims. Yet it bothers me that I can't go hang out at his place, eat his food, etc. I am by no means a stingy person, but it is starting to grate that he always comes here.

    Second issue: He has started to bring his laundry over. One time, fine, OK, one small load. But then it has become every time he comes over. Of course, last week his machine broke and he had to use another friend's machine to finish. I need to give him a time limit to fix his machine and an ultimatum not to bring any more laundry over. He does bring his own soap, but still. It's irritating, putting wear and tear on my old machines, running up my electric bill, and there is no reciprocation. I can't go hang at his place one night and run a load of my clothes there.

    Third: He has tried to leave stuff over here and have purchases delivered here. I will absolutely not tolerate my home being hoarded. I hate clutter with a passion.

    I realized yesterday when we were out that he is never going to change his shopaholic tendencies and hoarding. He *had* to buy something I know he has absolutely no use for and no place to put. He still has stuff he purchased 6 months ago that he had to have, sitting in his car.

    If I am to remain in a relationship with him (he has many great qualities, great job, financially responsible (ie can afford his shopping but it is excessive and unnecessary IMO), great family, generous, kind, etc). I just need to set boundaries so *I* don't go crazy.

    Thanks for listening.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2013 6:36 PM GMT
    this is a window into his psyche, look at it...... this is important, and it might not go away.....

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

    i understand hoarding, and its really complicated , and it sounds like hes 'really' doing it well, as in needing to have your space be for him to hoard in....

    if...... if hes really willing to work on it, then fine, but to me this is a mega red flag....

    best ....