My Relationship Confuses Me

  • Zatok

    Posts: 3

    Jan 28, 2013 6:42 PM GMT
    I'm looking for some help, advice, thoughts, anything really! icon_confused.gif

    I'm 20 years old, I've had girlfriends in the past but they never got very far. However, I have had a boyfriend for the past 2 years. The thing is, it's been over the internet. We've made plans to meet and eventually move in together (if everything goes according to plan) but as of yet we haven't actually met.

    My problem is what we each want out of our relationship. Truth be told, i'm not really attracted to men. I'm slightly attracted to women, but the thing is i'm just not really attracted to anyone at all. However, i'm a very affectionate person and I used to day dream about being intimate with my boyfriend. On the other hand, my boyfriend just recently told me he's not attracted to me whatsoever, and is perhaps asexual. He says sex is unimportant to him; but it always seemed like something really important to me.

    At this point, i'm honestly wondering if the relationship is worth continuing. It's not that i'm a sex addict or anything,it's just that I don't know if I can handle a sexless relationship. If i'm not seriously attracted to him in the first place it just makes sense right? But there's still part of me that was looking forward to it. I've never even had sex... I was waiting for someone special to get into that, but now he essentially wants me to resign myself to being a virgin for the rest of my life. . icon_neutral.gif

    I mean I guess i'm just scared. I want to know that he loves me, and i'm sure that he does, but knowing he's not sexually interested in me at all even though I'm attracted to him sounds...awkward. And I don't want to lose him. He's been my first serious relationship, I don't want it to end just because of this. Maybe i'm just young and blinded by love, I don't know. I feel so confused.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2013 6:56 PM GMT
    You guys haven't actually met yet? I'm sorry but I don't consider it too much of a relationship yet Zatok. You don't truly know anyone until you spend time with them in person.

    I can understand the attachment issue though, and realize it would be hard to give something up like that. In the end though, you have to consider what's best for you in the long run.

    Think about it,

    Josh
  • Zatok

    Posts: 3

    Jan 28, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidYou guys haven't actually met yet? I'm sorry but I don't consider it too much of a relationship yet Zatok. You don't truly know anyone until you spend time with them in person.


    Well I understand what you're saying. The more I think about it, it seems like most of my fears are centered around what our relationship is going to be like in person.

    But that's what i'm struggling with. I don't know what's best for me. Should I stay with him and hope things work out? Should I tell him I want to meet in person before we can seriously consider our relationship?
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    Jan 28, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    You should definitely meet in person, in real life, before considering anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2013 12:20 AM GMT
    *cough*Manti teo*cough*
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 29, 2013 9:57 PM GMT
    First of all, if you haven't met in person I hope you've at least talked on webcam to make sure he is who he says he is. If you've heard of the Manti T'eo case or been watching the show Catfish (which you should, because it's amazeballs) you know what happens when people don't use Skype.

    But just be prepared that an in-person relationship is very different than an online one and the way you interpret the things somebody says might be very different in text form versus in person where non-verbal communication plays a much bigger role.


    As far as your sexuality goes you may be asexual, as your online boyfriend professes he is, or you may just have a very low sex drive. Both are OK, there are people who lead happy fulfilled lives without sex or with very little sexual activity. But it is important in a relationship that the two people have similar levels of sex drive, or are open to letting the partner with the higher sex drive seek gratification outside the relationship. If he is truly asexual and you aren't you could still be in a relationship with him, but he would probably have to be ok with you seeking sex partners outside of the relationship to satisfy that need.

    I read Savage Love regularly and he's answered a few questions for people that might help you

    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=22958

    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=6577949

    also you can check out http://www.asexuality.org
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    Jan 29, 2013 10:15 PM GMT
    Khris101 said*cough*Manti teo*cough*


    tumblr_m73gk7K1AO1rb1960o1_500.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    New profile writing a book on catfishing.

    Boring.

    Next forum...
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    Jan 29, 2013 10:34 PM GMT
    You said that sex always seemed like something really important to you but yet your boyfriend is asexual. You also said that you are waiting for someone special to get into sex.

    I think I get that you care a great deal for this man but in my opinion, he is not right for you because he is asexual but you want to try sex at some point. It may be better to continue just as best friends, and continue your search for another man or woman who has a lower sex drive rather than no sex drive (I am assuming that you have a low sex drive since you said you are not really attracted to anyone at all). On the other hand, you may also want to wait until you meet and re-assess the situation then.

    You are still young but you'll soon realize that life is too short not to live out your life on your own terms. Once you are out in the world long enough, you'll realize that the world is full of people and many of them will be a good fit for you... and that there is not just one "the one". That's my 2 cents on it anyway.
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    Jan 29, 2013 11:57 PM GMT
    Tip: you are not in a relationship.
  • Zatok

    Posts: 3

    Jan 30, 2013 2:28 AM GMT
    I'm a bit offended by some of these comments...

    Of course I know he's who he says he is! We've talked on webcam numerous times and we converse via skype nearly every day.

    I can see why people would think it's stupid and fake but this is very real for me, and I hate to think that it may end.

    I appreciate the feedback though. I've come to the conclusion that I want to meet him in real life first, and see how things go; but even then I don't know if it'll work between us.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 30, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    Zatok saidI'm a bit offended by some of these comments...





    I kind of laughed when I read your first statement in response above. I think many of us have put something out there and we've thought that.....lol

    Seriously, you are 20, just take the time to get to know him and to see if you are really gay or straight or what. Do what makes you happy.... thats what life is about. Best wishes!
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    Jan 30, 2013 9:04 PM GMT
    Aside from the fact that you haven''t actually met in person, it would appear that you're not even sexually compatible. Sex is a big part of gay relationships, and one of the main reasons why gay guys cheat is because they're not sexually fulfilled so they look for sex elsewhere. You need to step back and reevaluate your situation.
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    Jan 30, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    Zatok saidMy problem is what we each want out of our relationship. Truth be told, i'm not really attracted to men. I'm slightly attracted to women, but the thing is i'm just not really attracted to anyone at all...He says sex is unimportant to him; but it always seemed like something really important to me.

    If you're not attracted to men and barely attracted to women what are you going to have sex with?
    Also, "seems like." So you think that sex should be important to you but, maybe you're not interested in sex either.

    You're a virgin and the guy you have an emotional bond with (you're not in a relationship, fyi) doesn't want sex. Simple. You just continue not having sex.
    (Or you have an agreement with the guy that you can have sex outside your whatever it is you have.)
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    Jan 30, 2013 10:13 PM GMT
    What you have right now is a pen pal. Like others have said you have no relationship unless you spend actual time together.