Am I being reasonable here?

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Jan 29, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    I've been hanging out with, sleeping, talking to someone I really like for the past three weeks. We've had a bunch of dates and were talking a lot, phone calls, etc. We're both on the same page about relationships and both seem to look for long-term, committed relationships and hate the way a lot of people our age (mid 20s) approach dating.

    He's a really busy guy -- he's legitimately got a million things going on professionally and personally. He's made time for me so far (to talk, to go on dates, etc.).

    I think I'm taking it too personally when he doesn't respond to a text message or reach out to me every day. I think that's probably very needy of me?

    For instance, we were texting last night and he asked me how my day was, and I responded and offered to talk on the phone. It was late, and he never responded to that or called. I could think of reasons why he didn't (fell asleep, busy, etc. -- or maybe he's losing interest?) -- but is this reasonable? Should I just let things go and not think/worry about him until he reaches out?

    I always put myself in the other person's shoes -- if I liked someone, even if I were busy, I wouldn't not respond to a message like that, even if I didn't want to talk, I'd make up an excuse or text the next day apologizing...is that reasonable to expect? Or among you out there are you reading this and thinking "it's not big deal that he didn't respond, he doesn't owe you anything yet, and you should just chill out."

    The thing is, I expect some level of consistency at this point, even if's not serious or exclusive...I expect to set up a date at some point in the next days or to see him. Can I do that or do I have to wait for him to offer?

    I've had a lot of issues dating people when it comes to expectations...so I try to keep them lower and lower. But at some point, I know what I want, and I just want to make sure it's not what I want that is the problem, but rather the people I keep meeting....

    Thanks guys.
  • unhooligan

    Posts: 92

    Jan 29, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    I have no clue. Just ask him. Ask if he's still interested. If he doesn't reply to that, move on. It's nice he made time for you, but in a way he's kind of wasting your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    After 24 hours:

    Busy person - 2 hours of free time apart noticed

    Unbusy person - 15 hours of free time apart noticed.


    It's like he's in a time machine while you wait. He doesn't notice the hours/days go by but you do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    You are being completely unreasonable.
    Do you realize how busy someone is when they have "literally a million things to do?"
    I have 3 things to do and that makes me too busy to talk to my dying mother, feed my pets and acknowledge my long term lover any more than saying "get out of my way," and that's just 3 things, imagine having literally a million things to do.
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Jan 29, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    Seems like you want boyfriend status and privileges. He's just treating you like someone he's only known for 3 weeks. Months down the line his responses could be more enthusiastic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 5:26 PM GMT
    Hehe. This is like reading my own thoughts. lol I ABSOLUTELY understand what you are going through. You wonder what he is doing that is so important that he can't text, etc etc. million thoughts come to your head as more time passes by.

    I always do the same thing, I can not ignore text. If I don't want to talk, I will make up excuses why I didn't get back to that person sooner or whatever. but I can't ignore it and its eats me inside when someone ignores me but you move on the next day...

    Especially in 3 weeks time, you want things to be amazing, it is the beginning that will lead you to whats coming ahead. I don't think you are being unreasonable. But you have to just let it go and not think about it. You can just ask him indirectly like what time he went to sleep... to fulfill your curiosity. If he likes you and you like him, don't be picky on the small things esp when you know he has so many things that he has to do. You should be appreciate that you takes time out to go on dates and has time to talk. =)
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 29, 2013 5:33 PM GMT
    If he is as busy as you say, "be reasonable" about your expectations... and
    be sensitive to his needs. After a long day, I can literally fall asleep on the phone talking (and have to a couple of RJ friends!) Not boring, I'm just tired and need the sleep.

    I say, he probably isn't blowing you off.. generally most of us can figure that out pretty fast. Just think before you react and really talk to him when it works for both of you. A needy approach will drive him off.

    Good luck, sounds great....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    linvect96 saidI've been hanging out with, sleeping, talking to someone I really like for the past three weeks. We've had a bunch of dates and were talking a lot, phone calls, etc. We're both on the same page about relationships and both seem to look for long-term, committed relationships and hate the way a lot of people our age (mid 20s) approach dating.

    He's a really busy guy -- he's legitimately got a million things going on professionally and personally. He's made time for me so far (to talk, to go on dates, etc.).

    I think I'm taking it too personally when he doesn't respond to a text message or reach out to me every day. I think that's probably very needy of me?

    For instance, we were texting last night and he asked me how my day was, and I responded and offered to talk on the phone. It was late, and he never responded to that or called. I could think of reasons why he didn't (fell asleep, busy, etc. -- or maybe he's losing interest?) -- but is this reasonable? Should I just let things go and not think/worry about him until he reaches out?

    I always put myself in the other person's shoes -- if I liked someone, even if I were busy, I wouldn't not respond to a message like that, even if I didn't want to talk, I'd make up an excuse or text the next day apologizing...is that reasonable to expect? Or among you out there are you reading this and thinking "it's not big deal that he didn't respond, he doesn't owe you anything yet, and you should just chill out."

    The thing is, I expect some level of consistency at this point, even if's not serious or exclusive...I expect to set up a date at some point in the next days or to see him. Can I do that or do I have to wait for him to offer?

    I've had a lot of issues dating people when it comes to expectations...so I try to keep them lower and lower. But at some point, I know what I want, and I just want to make sure it's not what I want that is the problem, but rather the people I keep meeting....

    Thanks guys.


    You're being needy. The telegraph was put out of service 150 years ago for a reason: telephone is a superior means of communication.

    If it's bothering you, warm up your dialing finger, put on your big boy pants, press the voice call button on your phone, and talk to him. It's called communicating, and it's not something you can do well, with intonation, nor at any speed on a communications medium that's slower than the telegraph. Smile, and dial. Get to the bottom of it.

    Time to be a real boy; learn communications; stop the hiding; get a profile and pics.

    Remember: voice communications is a superior method to texting which is a reversion to pre-telegraph days. TALK. DISCOVER. UNDERSTAND.

    Leaning communications skills now, should serve you well moving forward, and moving forward is just what you need to do.

    Pick up the phone, and ask. It's THAT simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    great_scott saidSeems like you want boyfriend status and privileges. He's just treating you like someone he's only known for 3 weeks. Months down the line his responses could be more enthusiastic.


    Just knowing someone for three weeks doesn't entitle you to terrible social nuance, especially if it's someone you've fucked / dated. It's called having some fucking class.

    If you treat people like shit, then, that makes you an asshole, and doesn't make it right.

    There's such a thing as decency / decorum, which you are missing....entirely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 8:48 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidYou are being completely unreasonable.
    Do you realize how busy someone is when they have "literally a million things to do?"
    I have 3 things to do and that makes me too busy to talk to my dying mother, feed my pets and acknowledge my long term lover any more than saying "get out of my way," and that's just 3 things, imagine having literally a million things to do.


    That's nuts. We nurture our relationships! We make folks we want in our lives feel special. You are pretty darn narcissistic to take the above view. I'd dump you like a hot potato, because, it's all about you.

    Sucks to be your mom.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 8:53 PM GMT
    I have yet to meet a reasonable gay man, so my answer is no, you are not being reasonable.
  • PolaroidSwing...

    Posts: 1131

    Jan 29, 2013 9:00 PM GMT
    I turn off my phone off all the time; whenever I feel it's being invasive. Sometimes you just want alone time, or need to get something done without distractions. Cell phones are communication tools that work for you, when you need them.
    People got on fine before they were invented.

    It's a possibility to be constantly connected, not an obligation.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 29, 2013 9:02 PM GMT
    Here's the thing: different people treat different modes of communication differently. My best friend of 13 years is terrible at texting and facebook, I don't know why but she's awful at it. Here's a perfect example.


    10:00 am, her - I need a new book to read

    10:10 am, me - last good one I read was Freedom

    10:11 am, her - Oh, I read that it was good

    10:11 am, me - Hmm, ok, anything you're looking for? serious or funny or mystery or whatevs?

    9:45 pm, her - OMG I just went to the best restaurant.


    to me in find that infuriating, she clearly texted me a few times within a few minutes so you'd naturally assume it is a time you'd get responses to your messages. But she just drops it and 12 hours later sends another text on a totally different topic, I would NEVER do that. I don't text people if it is a time where I can't respond to them, and I don't ignore direct questions if I have to delay a response And this is my BEST FRIEND we both got our first cellphones when we were freshman in college, we went to high school together, we have the same fav books and movies, lots of friends in common, know eachother's families...ect How can she have such a radically different idea of what proper texting etiquette is than I do? I don't know, but she does.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    You're hanging out. You're not in a relationship with this guy.
    If you want to make plans to see him again and he hasn't said anything, go ahead and ask him out.

    If you think he should make the next date, you really need to tell him this and -here's the important part- have him agree to do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 9:45 PM GMT
    Yeah dude, the best thing to do is just talk to him. Just ask him about how he was the other night and if he ever got your message. Nothing too pushy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2013 10:28 PM GMT
    iadEndresen saidYeah dude, the best thing to do is just talk to him. Just ask him about how he was the other night and if he ever got your message. Nothing too pushy.


    ^That.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 30, 2013 12:37 AM GMT
    It's been 3 weeks, my man. It takes longer to go through a job interview process, which is essentially what dating is. You two would be better off just being friends+ so that you can continue to get to know each other better without failing each other's dating expectations.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 30, 2013 2:58 AM GMT
    I've definitely been in your shoes and I would bet you hold yourself to high expectations of being there for other people. This guy might just be different when it comes to text.

    I suggest focusing on yourself and doing your best not to ruminate. When you notice that you have a burning desire to know why he didn't respond, just ask. Be neutral and non threatening.

    I've also been in your guy's shoes. Spent 6 months with my cell on silent. No vibration. Checked only when I wanted too. Was very interesting. People started to tell me I never responded. Especially the guys who I had a hunch were crushing on me. Try it! He could like you and just isn't where you are yet.

  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Jan 30, 2013 5:17 AM GMT
    Take this time to PRACTICE patience and trust and ALLOW the relationship to evolve naturally. 3 weeks is still early, there is a lot more that you have to learn about yourself and this other guy. Take advantage of the sense of intrigue that this provides you. Mystery is alright at this stage. Eventually your lives will converge in a more inclusive way but for now just be ok with the space and time and give him the same.

    I ONLY say this because I am dating someone who is about 300 miles away. We exist pretty much over the phone at this point. We were friends for a while before but now I would go crazy every time he didn't respond to a text right away. I haven't seen him in weeks and it's hard but that's where trust and patience come in.

    Take your time. It'll be ok.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 30, 2013 5:22 AM GMT
    I think your concerns are reasonable. We all get things on our mind when you start to date a guy, when you are still trying to find out more about him. You should not, however, get consumed by your concerns. That's the trick.

    Good luck. If he's really busy, why not offer to lighten his load by offering your help? He's feel more attached and closer to you, and you'll get to spend more time with him icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 30, 2013 5:29 AM GMT
    Hate to say it but I am THAT guy....no pressure!!!! If I have had a busy day, bed and chillout time for me comes first and sometimes I dont have the energy to talk about what I did that day! Also, 3 weeks, its not a long time in my book to be expecting him to do what you're asking. I see where you are coming from and I am sure it can be frustrating as hell BUT if you like this guy, take it SLOW, enjoy getting to know him and don't mess it up by freaking up over him not calling or texting back within and hour...or even a day, if he likes you, he will come knocking but not if your at his front door already!!!