• Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 2:10 PM GMT
    I was living a promiscuous life I was living a lie. I had met my downfall after years of living behind disguises. Hiding the fact that I was a loose sexual, immoral perverted man. Who just couldn't shake the grip-hold that was straining me and draining me of life. I couldn't shake the sexual addiction and the empty thrill that it provided that for a long time was really false fulfillment. What came after it was broken heartache me to them and them to me. The feeling of uneasiness and shame.

    I thought I was looking for love but instead I found myself in bed with someone. Often times we think friendship is sexual intercourse. I caught HIV from being a hardheaded ass typical churchgoer who would not heed God's word and serve Him diligently.

    I could never feel satisfied because the shame overshadowed any pleasure. The guilt I felt was so immense. As dense as it was I still chose to rebel.I caught HIV. But God did something miraculous the HIV is undetectable and the test can't find the virus. Now I am in a nursing home. Can't walk. Almost died. I was dying in front of my family and friends and coworkers eyes. Unable to hold my urine or bowels. that's why I said I wanted to die. Its more to this. I accept that I TOO am also responsible for what I've done. I'm here. And I know God is not through with me. I am alive and healthy as hell. No flu shots no more coughs or pain.none of that.

    PS I still am in love with Jesus Christ but no longer gonna walk that life. That life of empty misery that I subjected myself longer. Been there done that.
    It wasnt nothing there then. It ain't nothing there now

    Also, I started losing my equilibrium. Then came the collapsing and me not being able to pick my own self up off the floor. Me walking and holding my pants up with my right hand and with the left I used it to hold the wall for my balance.

    When I used to drive I would constantly need to use the bathroom. For An example I would be in Walmart and then use the bathroom the again then once I got back down the road i needed to use another stores bathroom

    I was too afraid to get help. My brothers girlfriend told him to get me to the hospital immediately. It is said that I would have died the next day if I hadn't come in time. Part of me wish I did miss that day.

    Lost an a few years of my life.I live in deep regret. But in a repentant contrite spirit. If only these young people would realize the inevitable consequence. The disease got into my spine damaged my nerves. My speech was slurred I acquired encephalitis (swelling of the brain). My response timing was slow. Man this shit is no joke. See the way we live and the way I live don't just affect us but our families also.

    Truths I don't know who infected me. Nor did I know if I was infecting someone else. Nor did after I found out did I have sex again. And I'm not going to.

    Irritable bowel syndrome was a regular occurrence. It was embarrassing to lose control of my bowels at work. That was the worst day of my life.

    There are days I tell God please don't wake me up. Please just let me pass away. I said God I'm a faggot. I can't live like this I'd rather die.

    But despite it all I have the funniest humor ever I make people laugh effortlessly. I'm just funny as hell.

    I'm so much stronger than I was.

    My immune system is stronger than healthy most people that know.

    I recover quickly from cuts and sores. I never had the flu. Colds don't last long. Headaches would come constantly but not anymore. Diarrhea was frequent but not lately.

    What I did was not a mistake but it was an err in judgment. It was a conscious decision that I made. And the consequences were graver and worse than the feeling of eroticism.

    The struggle of the flesh continues like the continuum of time.

    I rather starve than to repeat that again. Because I wasn't thinking about my health but ultimately I wasn't thinking about my family. *scoffs* smh

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 2:54 PM GMT
    "azariah" means = God has helped !
    & its true now
    he's helping you

    trust me a bible is written by set of men & their thinkings
    & Bible is not God
    he's just unique & not a scripture

    to hell with Fundamentalists,

    God loves EVERYONE
    how can he Hate ?

    Know this , God loves u & he always will , Humans hate gays who made their own laws using god's name.

    God loves anyone who loves him

    John 3:15 that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life

    Anyone means gays , prostitutes , whoever , black ,white , just anyone
    it breaks everything we are tied with !
    & as for the fucking saint Paul , he's a closet in my views & a fake teacher

    prayers for u
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 30, 2013 3:57 PM GMT
    Having sex isn't perverted, and you are not immoral. Unsafe sex is dangerous whether it's your first time, or the thousandth time, and you were unfortunately misguided. No need to beat yourself up!! I'm glad you are getting treatment. Take care. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 4:32 PM GMT
    I agree you pain is severe...
    I'm happy that you are having treatment...
    Be strong...never lose hope...

    Don't think about the gives only pain
    Don't think about the gives only anxiety
    All you have to do in the moment!
    it is one of the secrets of happiness...

    you recover fast from cuts...which indicates your body is strong, take regular anti-retroviral medicine...I'm sure your normal life will come back...It takes some time but at the end you will be very fit!

    Do you know that being depressed will lead to decrease your immunity!
    always be cheerful & happy icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 4:44 PM GMT
    Keep sharing your story to remind those who forget that life is too precious to waste. Sometimes we succomb to the pleasures of the flesh no matter the potential consequences and it's impact not only on us but on the people we love and that love us. Be well and be strong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    Read a book called "My Egypt: Why I left the Ex-Gay Movement". Written by a devout christian guy who struggled to find peace and love from a God that his religion claimed hated him. Not your typical book...easy and eye-opening perspective.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    Thanks you guys. You guys are so right. I shouldn't worry that is something I never really done much but I like when you said don't even worry about the future which I do much of.

    And the main reason why I got on here is because I wanted to share my story. I kinda didn't write it that well. I see grammar errors.

    The Bible also says "Do not fret it ONLY cause HARM"

    You know what's crazy is that 3 times of day I only take to 2 HIV meds.

    I'm just very lonely.but who wants to see their brother or son nephew cousin in a nursing home.

    Roseanne theme song
    "Oh what doesnt kill is making us stronger
    Your gonna last longer
    than the greatest wall in China
    Or that rabbit with the drum
    It will make out better than okay
    Here I say"

    I wanna say thank you guys.

    I don't worry about dying.

    I also don't buy this "incurable disease propaganda"

    The government created (some, not al of) these diseases.
    Big pharma the FDA all are making the diseases for your dis-ease
    Then they make a pill that suppresses your immune system
    Then you need another pill for your side effects
    not cause they care so much but because it brings in duckets
    They lie to us...the cure for HIV is on the patent website.
    They are unruly.

    Your family and your loved ones have died because of this great evil. Woe to them. Blood is on their hands.

    They rob the poor, they rob your health

    And they know it.