Were your relationship struggles worth it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 6:21 PM GMT
    Hello,

    I've been reflecting on a very serious romance I've been in the last six months. With several decisions to make going forward.

    We've had some trust issues. And I have some insecurity issues.

    But we are in love!

    Is it time to accept the bad, as part of someone, forgive them- even if they may have hurt you in the past, and they're behavior may hurt me again in the future?

    Is it really true that sometimes you have to fight things to make them good and it can take several years?

    Thoughts, experiences?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 30, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    Dear Abby often used this reply to people who were having realtionship issues" "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him"?

    So Far, I am better off with him.

    So Far........
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2013 8:54 PM GMT
    If there's a trust issue between you and your bf/partner, that relationship is doomed from the start. That's a very difficult hurdle to get over.
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    Jan 30, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIf there's a trust issue between you and your bf/partner, that relationship is doomed from the start. That's a very difficult hurdle to get over.


    I agree, but I feel a lot of it is based on my insecurities, and constantly feeling that people around me are deceiving or lying to me, and never feeling good about myself in many of ways. I've decided that professional help is the only thing that can help me at this point fix myself, but I truly believe that this means that I need to put good energy into this relationship despite some downfalls.
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    Jan 30, 2013 9:29 PM GMT
    Are the trust and insecurity issues specific to this relationship? Are this issues that came from outside the relationship?

    That he hurt you in the past is a good predictor that he will hurt you in the future. He can change, if he's committed to changing and has put things in his life to help him change.
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    Jan 30, 2013 9:51 PM GMT
    FlyinBrian said
    DOMINUS saidIf there's a trust issue between you and your bf/partner, that relationship is doomed from the start. That's a very difficult hurdle to get over.

    I agree, but I feel a lot of it is based on my insecurities, and constantly feeling that people around me are deceiving or lying to me, and never feeling good about myself in many of ways. I've decided that professional help is the only thing that can help me at this point fix myself, but I truly believe that this means that I need to put good energy into this relationship despite some downfalls.

    I was wondering how much the trust issue was of your own making. Being insecure can lead you to exaggerate and overreact to innocent things. A kinda funny story:

    My BF at the time came to my front door. He immediately demanded to know what man had come to see me before he got there. HUH? No one, I answered honestly.

    Well what are these man's footprints in the fresh snow on the sidewalk, he demanded, not more than an hour old. I told him those were mine, I had just gone out to the garage. Those aren't your shoe tracks, he countered, I know your footprints, and those are different, they're too big. Right, now he thinks he's Sherlock Holmes. icon_rolleyes.gif

    OK, so I went inside and got my boots, since I was in my socks in the house, an Upper Midwestern custom in winter, and put them on. I tromped around outside and showed him those were indeed my tracks. Incredibly, he was still skeptical.

    I directed his attention to some small round impressions along both sides of the walk. Recognize what those are I asked? He didn't.

    Those are the marks from my cane, going out and coming back in. Do you suppose this secret lover of mine also walks with a cane in his right hand?

    He finally conceded that he was wrong about the tracks, but continued to badger me about "rumors" he'd heard about my cheating on him. Well, rumors is what they'd be, because I never cheat. Finally we went out on our date (surprisingly), but seriously considering just dumping this guy.

    I stayed with him a month more, until he confessed he'd actually been cheating on ME! And he thought maybe this newer guy had in turn been cheating on him with me, a secret triangle, and that's whose footprints he suspected he saw at my place! Crazy!

    Jealousy & insecurity are powerful drugs, that can make you hallucinate all kinds of strange things. Be careful you don't spoil a good thing for no good reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2013 1:05 AM GMT
    Hey Thanks for the replies gentlemen.

    Sometimes i think its good to hear prospective from other people.

    I think most of his and I's issues just revolve around him not wanting to ruin an image of himself, which I completely understand- but I've told him that he can certainly talk to me about any ghosts of the past or anything that may haunt him- I'm here to be a friend and help him; regardless if we want to remain partnered or not. I can't change anyone though, I can just sit back and love him for who is right now until he tells me otherwise.

    I'm hypersensitive to the gay lifestyle in general.

    I think for me it's time to do a lot of introspective looking and working to get rid of some of the stereotypes I might have and resolving those poisonous opinions about people trying to hurt me, and that every guy is a cheater. When in actuality I don't even care if he has ever cheated on me, I just want open honesty between us so we can grow closer!
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jan 31, 2013 4:04 AM GMT
    Yes, even though my 7 year relationship is over; I feel that I had learned a lot about myself by being with the guy that I was with.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jan 31, 2013 4:04 AM GMT
    FlyinBrian saidHello,

    I've been reflecting on a very serious romance I've been in the last six months. With several decisions to make going forward.

    We've had some trust issues. And I have some insecurity issues.

    But we are in love!

    Is it time to accept the bad, as part of someone, forgive them- even if they may have hurt you in the past, and they're behavior may hurt me again in the future?

    Is it really true that sometimes you have to fight things to make them good and it can take several years?

    Thoughts, experiences?


    Understood! but one of you have to make the first move in order to bring this beautiful relationship over to the next level! and I mean beautiful because when Love is the mirror that reflects back to two people in Love, even the ugly side of it it too holds a beauty of its own!

    Why not start with figuring out what is wrong with you first? so what are your insecurities?

    Leandro
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    Jan 31, 2013 4:09 AM GMT
    rnch saidDear Abby often used this reply to people who were having realtionship issues" "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him"?

    So Far, I am better off with him.

    So Far........


    Sometimes the answer to this question surprises you.

    In the case of me and D, as we've put in our profiles... we were also worried that our issues going forward as lovers would also damage our beautiful, deep friendship. The best friendship that either of us have ever had in our lives.

    So the answer to that question for both of us was "better off with him", but had a different relationship outcome.

    This is a gross simplification, of course, but we both mean so much to each other that we're still "with", just differently. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2013 4:12 AM GMT
    Past relationships were/are learning experiences to build on for current and future relationships.

    How you handle the experiences is what shapes you as a person.
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    Jan 31, 2013 6:37 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidPast relationships were/are learning experiences to build on for current and future relationships.

    How you handle the experiences is what shapes you as a person.


    This, most definitely
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]

    Jealousy & insecurity are powerful drugs, that can make you hallucinate all kinds of strange things. Be careful you don't spoil a good thing for no good reason.[/quote]


    how do you break this though? i have a very active imagination to the point where my paranoia makes too much sense.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Feb 05, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    100% yes.
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    Feb 05, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    intensity69 said
    paulflexes saidPast relationships were/are learning experiences to build on for current and future relationships.

    How you handle the experiences is what shapes you as a person.


    This, most definitely


    I can feel the breakup and all of the feelings you feel about it oozing out of you... I say this firmly, but empathetically as well... allow yourself to feel the feelings. You will be better in the long run because of it. icon_smile.gif

    People say feelings don't matter when it comes to jealousy/insecurities, and I will actually agree with Art (a few posts up) when he says those two emotions can create a lot of insignificant issues, and really mess with your head.

    To the OP: Take the initial reaction you have when I ask you, Do you trust him? Could he be being pursued by men that want him, and you would trust that he is coming home to you?

    If not, move on. It's only been six months. Trust broken like that is a very fragile thing and quite frankly, I have never met people who have recovered from it.

    If yes, then be with your man. Respect him like the day you did when you met him. Forgive him, as best you can, and don't take the hurt out on him.

    Maybe he needs to change his actions. Make sure he hears you when you lay those boundaries.

    Don't make the same mistake I did, and say yes, when I meant no, and then turn into a person you don't want to be, as you try and balance the life of loving someone so much, but resenting them for hurting you so bad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2013 5:10 PM GMT
    So far, yes. But it's only been 26 years.icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2013 5:35 PM GMT
    my 2 cents...... you need to be solid with yourself.... you need to be so solid, that you can be with someone, and also, be alone......

    if you are in a relationship because you are afraid of being alone, or you need friends. or just needy, then. you are doomed for heartbreak, and lonliness, and are opening yourself to a potential abusive relationship.....

    if...... you are so solid........ then you can truly "be" with someone, and offer real companionship, REAL friendship.... its a bit like being a warrior....

    this will take time, but i recommend not wasting time with people who are flakey, or that you are uncertain about,,, life is short my friend....

    if you feel you are surrounded by flakes, or needy controlling people, .... then you probably are... get away from them....

    find other solid people..... this is a good website for that..
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 05, 2013 5:53 PM GMT
    showme saidSo far, yes. But it's only been 26 years.icon_wink.gif


    Another four years and you might be taken seriously, lol....

    No one wants to believe the facts of life.

    If you run from your relationships because your differences are irreconcilable then you never make it very far.

    All that should matter is that you're in love. That's what life is about.
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:48 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    showme saidSo far, yes. But it's only been 26 years.icon_wink.gif


    Another four years and you might be taken seriously, lol....

    No one wants to believe the facts of life.

    If you run from your relationships because your differences are irreconcilable then you never make it very far.

    All that should matter is that you're in love. That's what life is about.




    I am confused. You say "If you run from your relationships because your differences are irreconcilable then you never make it very far." But this is why relationships end. It is only when differences can be reconciled and when struggles lead to growth that relationships maintain. The OP either learns to get past his trust issues and insecurities or decides to leave the relationship. These are not irreconcilable differences, unless the couple makes them so.

    Also, if you have been in love, while it should be the only thing that matters, that is rarely the case and it isn't that easy. I think your "facts of life" are actually misconstrued opinions of an idealist.

    Although, I think it is pretty cool if one could maintain your big-picture-idea of life. That is something maybe the OP could benefit from as well: Keeping a level head by realizing that the bigger picture is love while also trying to work on the details (insecurity and trust) that supports the main idea of his relationship.
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:50 PM GMT
    rnch saidDear Abby often used this reply to people who were having realtionship issues" "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him"?

    So Far, I am better off with him.

    So Far........


    Better off WITHOUT him in my case.
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:51 PM GMT
    Kai808 said
    rnch saidDear Abby often used this reply to people who were having realtionship issues" "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him"?

    So Far, I am better off with him.

    So Far........


    Better off WITHOUT him in my case.


    Who wouldn't like your hairy chest and tats?? icon_lol.gificon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:55 PM GMT
    trm_dallas said
    Kai808 said
    rnch saidDear Abby often used this reply to people who were having realtionship issues" "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him"?

    So Far, I am better off with him.

    So Far........


    Better off WITHOUT him in my case.


    Who wouldn't like your hairy chest and tats?? icon_lol.gificon_redface.gif


    icon_smile.gif it was more like I either keep of what's left of my sanity or go to jail ( that wouldve made a good Snapped episode)if I had stayed with the man. And he hated tattoos, icon_idea.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 05, 2013 7:41 PM GMT
    trm_dallas said
    HottJoe said
    showme saidSo far, yes. But it's only been 26 years.icon_wink.gif


    Another four years and you might be taken seriously, lol....

    No one wants to believe the facts of life.

    If you run from your relationships because your differences are irreconcilable then you never make it very far.

    All that should matter is that you're in love. That's what life is about.




    I am confused. You say "If you run from your relationships because your differences are irreconcilable then you never make it very far." But this is why relationships end. It is only when differences can be reconciled and when struggles lead to growth that relationships maintain. The OP either learns to get past his trust issues and insecurities or decides to leave the relationship. These are not irreconcilable differences, unless the couple makes them so.

    Also, if you have been in love, while it should be the only thing that matters, that is rarely the case and it isn't that easy. I think your "facts of life" are actually misconstrued opinions of an idealist.

    Although, I think it is pretty cool if one could maintain your big-picture-idea of life. That is something maybe the OP could benefit from as well: Keeping a level head by realizing that the bigger picture is love while also trying to work on the details (insecurity and trust) that supports the main idea of his relationship.


    Me and my careless writing. I meant that by saying that you have irreconcilable differences, you're agreeing to disagree so you can both walk away. But if you still love each other then walking away without reconciling your insecurities and trust issues means love didn't overcome, and the relationship failed. We all know relationships don't always work out. It's a part of life. The only thing you can do is try to learn from it. I just hope the OP doesn't lose a good thing over some issues that could be worked out. I guess I am an idealist, or at least I like to be an optimist. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    Been a long time for me and my ball and chain, but we never had trust issues, having moved into this relationship as grown men with a little bit of relationship experience.
    Six months in you usually have a decent idea whether you want to keep working or not. For us, 13 years in we are both crazy in love and only threaten to kill one another every few hours, but that wears off after a couple of hours, and that leaves plenty of time for the cycle to start again.
    Love is grand.
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    Feb 05, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    Khris101 said[quote][cite]

    Jealousy & insecurity are powerful drugs, that can make you hallucinate all kinds of strange things. Be careful you don't spoil a good thing for no good reason.



    how do you break this though? i have a very active imagination to the point where my paranoia makes too much sense. [/quote]

    Loving is throwing caution to the wind and giving your whole self completely to the other and trusting in them completely. You must also realize that if the other breaks your trust the problem is with him NOT you. Heartbreak? You bet it is, but I'd rather go through life risking heartbreak than not experiencing love.

    There are no guarantees in life or love.