My first 'serious relationship'... / long post alert!

  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jan 30, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    Hey there. I’ve been following this forum for quite a while and honestly, it’s best one I have ever seen. I learned a lot of things and you seem very helpful. That’s why I decided to write.

    The thing is, I am 26 years old and I have never been in a serious relationship. I dated a lot of guys, but the longest I’ve been with one was 1-2 months. Impressive, I know. I always found it hard to connect with people, especially guys who were obviously into me. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been relationship oriented, but I hate it when a guy is pushy and needy. That scares me off and I just run away. I have never cheated or lead anybody on. That’s not me. I’m not the best looking guy, but I realize I can be charming as hell and even though my self-esteem is as low as it can be, I still manage to come off as self-confident. No one can tell I just pretend to be that way. Works just fine. No one has to know how much I hate myself at times.

    Anyway, things changed a month ago. I was at home enjoying my day off, listening to my favorite Natalie Imbruglia album. I went online and one of my gay friends posted something on his wall. He said something about sex between a man and a woman, how it cannot possibly be rough and if someone wants to find out what rough is then straight men should become gay. I left a comment and went out for a cigarette. Came back and I saw I had a friend request. I looked at his pics (obviously) and he seemed like a cool guy. I didn’t really think too much of even talking to him because he is from the US and I’m from Poland. Next day, however, I sent him a quick message, basically just asking why he added me and blabla. We started talking and before I knew, it was 4am. We spent 7 hours chatting on facebook. How crazy is that? I kinda liked the guy, he seemed so open-minded and mature. Definitely very intelligent and not too pushy which I thought was just great. Sexually, we are into the SAME EXACT things which is just fantastic. After 7 hours I felt a bit disappointed though, because of the distance mainly. I could totally ask him out on a date and it just sucked not to be able to do that. Before I went to sleep he sent me a short voice message, which I thought was really ummm cute? I hate that word. Whatever.

    Then the next day, we chatted pretty much the entire day. I had a day off and nothing better to do and he was at work, well - pretending to work  I don’t know how it could have happened, but for some unknown reason, I started to open up to this guy. I didn’t even care he was 37years old. I told him a lot of things about myself, some of which I have never even told my close friends. He thought I looked hot on my pictures, but I had to burst his bubble. I told the truth. I was always fit, into sports and basically, healthy lifestyle, but last year when I went off pills (OCD) I went into the biggest manic episode ever. Two weeks passed and I got so depressed I tried to commit suicide. I was taken to a hospital and the doctors diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. They put me on some serious drugs and after 3 months, I gained 55lbs (I’m 180lbs now, but slowly getting slimmer). Got stretch marks all over my stomach and I pretty much look like a bag of potatoes. I told him all about it and he didn’t seem bothered at all which surprised me a lot. He said I was still perfect in his eyes. Wow. At the end of our conversation he told me he was falling for me. The weirdest thing is that I didn’t feel uncomfortable with him saying that. As ridiculous and crazy as it seemed, I felt the same. I didn’t know what it was but I couldn’t stop talking to him, getting to know him and all that. I kept thinking about him all the time and it scared the shit out of me because I have never felt that way before. I felt I could trust someone for the first time in my life, as strange as it sounds because it’s just the Internet.

    We talked even more over the next few days and I felt like a teenager. So excited and happy, it’s ridiculous. We would skype every now and then, send each other pictures and so on. Just perfect. Our conversations became full of sweetness, just oozing teenage infatuation. You know that warm feeling inside your chest when someone calls you ‘baby’ for the first time and you just can’t contain yourself and feel like screaming. That’s how we both felt. One day I could tell he was a bit reserved so I just asked him what the deal was. And then he said ‘I love you’. I was so overwhelmed and shocked. I talked to him a little more and said I felt that way too. It just seemed right, even if I was a little hesitant. It wasn’t until a few days later that I actually realized that was true: I fell in love with him. We started making plans to see each other as soon as possible. He said he’d come to Poland first and if it works out, then I’ll move with him to the States. I can take that risk and leave everything behind. Even if this thing we have doesn’t work out, I know I can manage on my own so it’s not an issue. It’s not like I’m a kid and have no grip on reality. I realize this is something serious that requires a lot of work and sacrifice, but I believe it’s worth it. Thanks to him, I let go of a lot of my insecurities and I feel good about myself. The distance is a motherfucker and I was very emotional about that in the beginning (I tried to end ‘this relationship’ a couple times). Now I know I can wait for as long as it takes just to have a go at it.

    How-e-ver, things changed over the last few days. He doesn’t message me as often, when we talk it takes him a lot longer to reply and his replies are short and kind of flat. I talked to him about it and he said it was because of work and some personal issues. OK, I understood had no problem with that. The weird thing is that when we start talking about sex, he suddenly replies within seconds and for some strange reason work is no longer an issue. Alright. I confronted him and he acted all surprised saying ‘How could you ever think that?’. Alright. Within next two days we only exchanged 2-3 messages. I knew he had his weekend off and had a lot of things to do so I decided to keep it cool. I just sent an occasional ‘hey beautiful, hope you have a good day’ and that’s it. However, last Monday we just talked like usually, but I could feel he was a bit distanced. I commented on his photo and he deleted my comment, because he didn’t want his co-workers to know he’s gay. I only wrote ‘Looking good! Grey hair can be sexy as well’. Note that he did not remove his friend’s comment which said ‘you’re so gay man’… But alright, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I sent him a text message. He didn’t reply and later in the day he told me not do it because his personal cell is also his work cell. I felt a bit ummm hurt? But alright. We talked some more and I told him how I felt he seemed distant lately and how I missed talking to him the way we used to. He just said I was overthinking it. When I asked him what the deal was he told me he felt like we need to slow it down a little… Wow, seriously? The guy told me he loved me a few days after we had met, a week later he told me I was someone he’d been waiting for all his life and NOW he needs to take it slow??? I mean, come on. I got upset and told him he was right (though I didn’t think he was). Next day I didn’t talk to him at all. He saw me on fb right before I went to sleep and told me he was disappointed and sad we didn’t talk. I said I was busy and told him goodnight, without any I love yous, miss yous or anything like that. It was tough, but I was mad at him. Today I’ve realized I don’t really know this guy and he could be playing me and I refuse to be played. I have strong feelings for him, but I need to know whether he feels the same or not. On the other hand I don’t want to sound desperate and keep asking him to tell me how he feels all the time. I need to be reassured, but I’m not stupid and I know that some guys hate that so I just bite m
  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Jan 30, 2013 11:00 PM GMT
    Your ability to connect with someone, to open up, to feel love, to let go of your insecurities -- ALL of those great things that you were feeling and doing -- you might think that they're because of this guy, and while it's true that you found someone great to talk to who made you comfortable, ultimately it was up to YOU to go through that kind of development and to reach that level of comfort with yourself.

    Everyone is at a different stage with respect to relationships, and each relationship is a learning experience.

    However, you cannot compare a relationship that has only existed in the virtual world with one that involves real togetherness.

    The two of you seem to have found each other at the right moment for both of your needs, and you were able to connect in a way that made both of you feel good.

    Stop with this guy. Cherish the experience you had and move on to real people. Use what you've learned about yourself through this experience to improve your ability to connect with someone real. Someone who is available. Someone who will like attention from you, cherish it, appreciate it; not hide it and be ashamed of you.

    Neither of you is going to uproot yourselves and let go of everything in your lives to be with each other -- ESPECIALLY if you've never met. He has your contact details. If he wants to show up at your doorstep in Poland, then you can re-consider everything I said. But do you honestly think that is going to happen?

    Most importantly, don't beat yourself up. You sound like you've been through a lot, and you should be proud of yourself for growing.
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jan 31, 2013 12:22 AM GMT
    First of all, a big THANK YOU for your reply. It was very insightful. It means a lot to me, because I don't really have anybody to talk to about this whole situation. My best friend knows everything, but he's straight and he still wishes I started dating girls again like I used to long, long time ago.

    It most likely won't work out. I feel like he said all those beautiful things in the heat of the moment, got scared of the reality and is now backing off. As much as I realize the absurdity of everything that's happened, it still hurts a little because I trusted him. Yesterday I left him a long message on fb, basically saying how much I miss talking to him and getting to know him and guess what happened? Nothing. Nada. Rien. Niente. Nic. He didn't even bother to reply. I was online at work and so was he, but still nothing. Not a stupid 'hello'. I won't humiliate myself and start a conversation as if nothing happened. If he cares about me, then he better show it. I won't wait like an idiot. This might sound a little narcissistic, but damn, he has no idea what he is giving up and missing out on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2013 4:11 AM GMT
    Wow. Sounds like quite the passionate LDR love story.
    Very intense at first and then POOF. It fizzles.

    I think all those promises of "moving to the US" and all the intensity of the "i love yous" and the "i miss u babies" caught up to him and he realized the whole thing had moved too quickly. He got scared and probably realized he could not support u in the US or wouldn't wanna be stuck with u if u moved in with him. . He kinda is one of those people that "catfished" you.... where they make u believe they love you and all these delusions of grandeur of dream-like situations. . . Look up being "catfished" .. . . It's a terrible trend going on now a days on the internet...

    I wouldn't count on this. I feel as if you should not invest emotionally in this online fling u are having. It's not gonna last. I'm just being realistic with you. This whole thing is done. It's ridiculous really.

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Jan 31, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    "I won't humiliate myself and start a conversation as if nothing happened. If he cares about me, then he better show it. I won't wait like an idiot. This might sound a little narcissistic, but damn, he has no idea what he is giving up and missing out on."

    Those are the exact right words to say. It's great that you're saying them. It's great that you understand that. But you have to actually do it. It's always easier said than done, trust me, I know, but over time you get better at it. You get full self control of your emotions and you don't let other people control you. Healthy relationships shouldn't be about control and dependence.

    Really just trust yourself.
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jan 31, 2013 10:36 AM GMT
    Import saidHe got scared and probably realized he could not support u in the US or wouldn't wanna be stuck with u if u moved in with him. . He kinda is one of those people that "catfished" you.... where they make u believe they love you and all these delusions of grandeur of dream-like situations. . . Look up being "catfished" .. . . It's a terrible trend going on now a days on the internet...

    Catfished - I like that. Describes the situation perfectly. Thank you, I'll always remember that word icon_smile.gif

    And no, I wouldn't want him to support me. I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself. The company I work for in Poland has its offices in the city he lives in so I could easily transfer. I told him that, he seemed happy about it, but then BOOM, 'my love' got scared... So yes, I have been catfished, big time icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2013 11:23 AM GMT
    Your post reads like you're suffering from a severe case of adolescence.

    If your first serious relationship involves telling a guy you love him even though you've only communicated with him online/mobile and never met him in person, then I'm sorry for you.

  • Feb 09, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    Hi I just signed in this site and felt this is truly interesting and helpful site, with interesting members who actually cared to read and give feedback!
    If you are interested, I had similar experience myself years back, and believe it or not, it should be more devastating since it was my first "real" relationship, I mean EVER!icon_evil.gif
    It was back in 2000 when internet was coming to my country. I had always known I was gay, but in the years leading up to 2000, in my country I had no resources to extensively educate myself on the topic. But when I got to uni and hit the internet, bang, I could find all sorts of information regarding the other sexualities.
    So naturally it was like a whole new world was open to me, I think I got into those very early Yahoo chatroom and roamed randomly and I hit this guy in Australia (yeah I always had an exotic fetish with foreigners, I'm not proud of it but I have acknowleged that this is a part of me:rollicon_smile.gif. And pretty much the same thing happened between us. And you can imagine, I actually did not experience any REAL person contact prior to that.
    So later in the same situation, I was very confused, frustrated and angry.
    I think I saw one comment under your post talking about feeling sorry for your "adolescence", it is a harsh comment but it is true. Although I would like to put it as the first time you ever feel that you can open up to someone.
    Now looking back, I do often smile when I think about those "heartbreaking" days I spent. I have to admit, it was kind of childish and melodramatic.
    But on the other hand, at least to me, it did feel like heaven to hear someone say nice things to you, even in the virtual world!icon_razz.gif
    I'll keep looking.
    I think your experience in fact proves that you can open up to other. Why not try it with someone? You said you don't like people pushy and needy. I mean, I don't like pushy and needy either, but if they like you, they will be needy. Perhaps you have yet to reach a moment when you don't mind the person being with you needy. Or maybe you are kinda person who prefers to be single in heart. (I'm all speculating here and I'm hardly a love expert).
    My point is, it is perfect natural for you to feel "down". I felt really really down myself. But I had really good friends who supported me. And with time, you will look back with a smile I think!icon_lol.gif
    happy NY from the far east.

    Posts: 1324

    Feb 09, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    Love reading this kind of forum threads! it is refreshing and and worth a read something with positive vibes!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 09, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    I think your post may have gotten cut off, since the end seems a little abrupt.

    If you want my advice, then you should either have a serious heart to heart and end it if it doesn't work out, or just let him set the pace and try not invest in the relationship emotionally.

    Anyone can lead you on when meeting people online, but I don't think they would go so far as giving out their cell number or talking on skype.

    I think he really does like you, however reality has probably set in for him. Meaning if he's in the closet he's probably freaking out trying to figure out if he should come out of the closet to be with you.

    If he's 37 and in the closet he's probably got a few issues.

    It's your choice whether or not to stay with him. Matters of the heart are never easy, but sometimes they are worth it.