Good enough to fool around but not date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2008 8:46 PM GMT
    I notice this funny trend of being attracted enough for guys to want to sleep with me but pursuing anything substantial beyond that is a joke. Does anyone else notice this trend? I feel like its killing my self esteem quite a bit. I think I been trying to convince myself hooking up with a guy will somehow be enough but it seems I want more most of the time.

    What makes your hook up different from someone you want to be with in a relationship? Are your standards different? In what way?
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    Sep 29, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    Meeting someone with the intent of getting in their pants brings about a different attitude than meeting someone to get to know their opinions / likes / dislikes, etc. Don't plan on finding a husband at a bar, on manhunt, or at the local bathhouse. Where are you meeting guys?
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    Sep 29, 2008 8:55 PM GMT
    Stop putting out ya old slag.
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    Sep 29, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    pyrotech gives good advice, IMHO. When single I played around for the sex, and if I stumbled across a keeper that way, great. Or if not, I still kept having my fun. No regrets, no problems, either I found a guy worth keeping as a BF or I didn't, but in the meantime I always had a smile on my face.

    Interestingly my 2 partners (the first dying of AIDS), were not initially met in bed, but through other ways. Bed came later. We became partners because of that magic called love (please don't rag me about my uncharacteristic sentimentality).

    I always say that to find the right guy for you, ya gotta meet lots of guys. And that's the fun part! When he comes into your life, you usually know it. And then a new phase for you begins, and you trade casual sex for loving sex. Having had both, I strongly endorse the latter.

    Your Profile tells me you're 21. Oh, my dear, the luxury of time you have! Have lots of sex, have safe sex, and the answer will look you right in the face.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Sep 29, 2008 10:09 PM GMT
    Nice guys like to have sex at bathhouses, etc. A couple, who are one of my best friends, met in a bathhouse, one a doctor, one a banker, been together many years. You never know where you are going to meet the one that might turn into a relationship. I think you can do both, meet guys for sex and meet guys in social situations. You just never know.
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    Sep 29, 2008 10:11 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidStop putting out ya old slag.


    Pot calling the kettle black much? icon_razz.gif
  • toughsell

    Posts: 15

    Sep 29, 2008 11:17 PM GMT
    jlk7jester said
    What makes your hook up different from someone you want to be with in a relationship? Are your standards different? In what way?


    Hook-up (sex) and relationships (love) have widely different goals and prerequisites. Love often encompasses sex, but rarely the other way around You can be sexually attracted to, and have sex with, without ever saying so much as a word to them. That's pretty impossible the "love" realm.

    In a nutshell: sex is a carnal instinct shared by all living beings. Love is a cerebral (spiritual?) connection that requires far more investment to nurture.
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    Sep 29, 2008 11:19 PM GMT
    jlk7jester saidI notice this funny trend of being attracted enough for guys to want to sleep with me but pursuing anything substantial beyond that is a joke. Does anyone else notice this trend? I feel like its killing my self esteem quite a bit. I think I been trying to convince myself hooking up with a guy will somehow be enough but it seems I want more most of the time.

    What makes your hook up different from someone you want to be with in a relationship? Are your standards different? In what way?


    I don't believe a lot of people are cut out to sleep around so casually. The subconcious likes to keep plenty of secrets. Some guys are naturally sexual hunters. Many others are just guys who are acting out their heart's frustrations with being alone/lonely.

    When you think about hooking up, ask yourself if your doing it because you simply want to have fun or if your in need of a friend to be around to prevent being alone or a lover to prevent being lonely.

    I know from experience what you mean jlk. I'd sleep around with guys who I didn't think were worth any thing more than that. I reevaluated what I was doing and I realized I was just fucking around to help the loneliness. It helps for a few hours and sometimes a few days, but then it sets in.

    I recommend joining some kind of group you think you'd be interested in.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Sep 29, 2008 11:32 PM GMT
    Well hooking up is the easy part. It requires no emotional investment, no difficulties involved with getting to know a full, real-life, 3-dimensional person, good and bad, warts and all.
    It's not a wise practice to think someone is either going to like you or otherwise be your friend just because you have sex. After all, you're essentially using each other. That's not to say friendships never develop but that rarely happens.
    I would also add, I had a fantastic LTR with someone I met at a bathhouse.
    And you're only one side of the equation. What about the times when a guy has wanted to see you again but you weren't interested?

    So...yeah..."Stop putting out ya old slag!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2008 11:38 PM GMT
    The moment you stop looking, is the moment your dream guy will appear. that's what happened to me and what most people say.

    But in order to do that you most "Stop putting out ya old slag!"
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    Sep 29, 2008 11:46 PM GMT
    Well the easiest solution would be to stop sleeping around if you can't handle the emotional repercussions. Other than that, you really shouldn't let it bother you or affect your self-esteem. Trust me...we've all been good enough to fuck but not to date. It doesn't matter who you are. It often says nothing about you...it's about the other guy and what they want.

    Yeah, of course my standards are completely different if I'm hooking up versus dating. If I'm hooking up they only need to meet 2 qualities: able to kiss and turn me on (wish that was as easy to find as it sounds...ha). Those qualities care over to someone I'm actually interested in but there has to so much more there. However, just because a guy has potential it doesn't mean I'm going to pursue anything...what's the deal with thinking you have to be dating someone. There's nothing wrong with being happily single by choice. Personally, I think I'm an amazing guy for the right man but I'm just not interested in putting in the effort right now and that's okay.

    So don't read too much in to other people's actions. You never really know their motives or intentions...so why worry about it.

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    Sep 30, 2008 12:07 AM GMT
    If you go to a restaurant and order Crem Brule and the waiter brings you
    ..........................................................Photobucket
    and you not only eat the jell-o but thank the waiter and leave her a hefty tip, does this not say you didn't really want that fancy smancy desert, but good ole cheap jello?

    You sound young, gay, and horny as hell, which is ok, it'll pass believe me, but no wonder you can't find a guy to date and just want to bop them all because at this level in your life, that is all you want to do. Has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with you, what you want, and whom you are picking. You may think it is novel to want more, but I can tell by your behavior that you are getting exactly what you want. When you want more, that is what you'll have. Rant Over.
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    Sep 30, 2008 4:21 AM GMT
    jlk7jester saidI notice this funny trend of being attracted enough for guys to want to sleep with me but pursuing anything substantial beyond that is a joke. Does anyone else notice this trend? I feel like its killing my self esteem quite a bit. I think I been trying to convince myself hooking up with a guy will somehow be enough but it seems I want more most of the time.

    What makes your hook up different from someone you want to be with in a relationship? Are your standards different? In what way?


    I don't think that it is you. I, personally, have no interest in any relationship other than friendship, with or without benefits. I make that very clear before any benefits are exercised. I think there are lots of guys like me. u should not be wasting your time on us if you want more.
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    Sep 30, 2008 3:23 PM GMT

    I don't think that it is you. I, personally, have no interest in any relationship other than friendship, with or without benefits. I make that very clear before any benefits are exercised. I think there are lots of guys like me. u should not be wasting your time on us if you want more.[/quote]


    I enjoy having casual sex. Not with just anybody, but with a guy who has good positive energy and attraction. I'm not looking to fill lonely moments. Nor am I searching for a lover.

    Remember that thing called testosterone? And despite the apprehension, negative past experiences and Victorian attitudes expressed by guys who shun "shagging", there ARE vibrant, secure men out there who have a healthy attitude towards casual intimate encounters with other men.

    What is casual sex? I never horny enough to just meet a guy and get laid. If I'm dating a guy, it usually takes 4 or 5 dates before we become sexual. Doesn't mean I'm going to marry him.

    That's what it's all about....which is the process of finding out if there is compatability. Having casual sex, wherever it happens, does not doom further romantic interests. And I'm open to surprises....maybe something more lasting will happene as a result of a casual encounter.

    I sense this spoken/unspoken guilt some guys have about casual sex. To each his own. But for me, responsible caring casual sex is healthy and fun for the soul.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2008 3:47 PM GMT
    stop trying.

    men smell desparation and run (after they pull their dicks out). make yourself unavailable, and suddenly you'll be alluring.
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    Sep 30, 2008 3:55 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidMen can be assholes. Plain and simple.


    welcome to the end of the thread.
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    Sep 30, 2008 4:00 PM GMT
    chinosurfguy said
    muchmorethanmuscle saidMen can be assholes. Plain and simple.


    welcome to the end of the thread.


    But, can assholes be men? hmmm...
    They both often stink, they can both be full of shit, some of them are quite cheeky. Things to ponder, yes indeed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    That's actually a very good question, and I agree with some of the posters above: there's nothing wrong with casual sex. At least that way, you can quickly find out if you're sexually compatible, which for me anyway, is an important factor. And even though I am open to a LTR, I know I'm not monogamous, and anybody I would get serious about will be fully informed of that fact, as to me, sexual fidelity is not as important as direct honesty in a relationship. Ironically enough in regard to your post, I am now dating a wonderful man who I met right here on RJ !!! We're getting serious, and we seem very compatible in many ways beyond just the sex. We're even looking to hopefully buy a home together. He's totally accepting of my quirks and conditions, and more importantly, he's cool with the fact that I'm POZ, so I really am blessed to have him in my life! (By the way, Baby, if you read this, DON'T start crying!)
    So, you never know what can happen, and I'm glad I've been an active poster here on this site, or my man and I would never have met.
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    Sep 30, 2008 4:12 PM GMT
    bwg77 said However, just because a guy has potential it doesn't mean I'm going to pursue anything...what's the deal with thinking you have to be dating someone. There's nothing wrong with being happily single by choice.


    Amen! Life is rife with possibility...including the possibility of nothing. Or everything. Worry never turns to love.
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    Sep 30, 2008 4:27 PM GMT
    My thoughts are not to put your self esteem in the hands of another being. People are the way they are for a variety of reasons. Commitment issues, their own issues with low self esteem and self worth, etc. You do not know anything about a person just by way of getting in the bed with them so I'd say that approach is wrong and it's going to create a negative impression even though they're getting what they want. And yes, sometimes people just aren't going to like you, so what? They don't have to. There are plenty of more men out there.

    Simply put if you want to date someone go on a date, and cut it off after an hour. If you're horny and want to get laid, then go get laid, but don't put any expectations on that person after the night is over.
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    Sep 30, 2008 5:08 PM GMT
    It's not a trend, it's called a one night stand.
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    Sep 30, 2008 5:16 PM GMT
    So true high voltage guy.

    When you meet a guy and you have sex with him and you know nothing about him really. You have set the tone right there.

    If you just want sex then it is what it is, but if you want more then your screwed both waysicon_biggrin.gif!
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    Sep 30, 2008 6:32 PM GMT
    sn0dawg saidHey guys just here wondering if you guys are interested in joining manhunt.net its $20.00 For 90 day trial. Since gay.com is down.


    Who the hell are you ManHuntPimp.com?

  • Sep 30, 2008 6:48 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidstop trying.

    men smell desparation and run (after they pull their dicks out). make yourself unavailable, and suddenly you'll be alluring.



    WOW! That was sharp,blunt and fantastically well put!!
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    Sep 30, 2008 6:51 PM GMT
    Travlinandlivin said
    dancerjack saidstop trying.

    men smell desparation and run (after they pull their dicks out). make yourself unavailable, and suddenly you'll be alluring.



    WOW! That was sharp,blunt and fantastically well put!!



    you're soooo right, I almost mistook it for a Coco Chanel parfume ad. icon_eek.gif