Need some advice, what would you do if you were in my situation?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 4:33 AM GMT
    I know everyone is different, so advice from just a general perspective would help! Let me try to keep this brief, everyone hates long posts...(skip to the last few paragraphs if you hate reading blibber blabber.)

    So around 3 weeks ago from today, I met this man who is older than me. We had a few coffee dates and I got to know him more...and that's when things started to go down hill (for me).

    As I got to know him more, I found out that he was a drug addict on and off for several years. And as of right now, he's been sober and clean for 3 years(since 2009). He really had the party lifestyle so to speak. He was diagnosed with HIV at around the age of 23 and was told he only had 5 years to live, (who knew we would still be alive to this day?) But that's when he started doing drugs on and off for several years. From heroin, coke, oxycontin, to the drug he regrets fully, meth.

    Not trying to sound like a straightedge, but I would never do drugs. I straight out hate drugs. This was all a big shock to me, I never knew ANYONE who had done hard drugs. I was pretty disgusted from the things he did. He said that it was all in his past and he no longer does drugs at all & is not part of that lifestyle anymore. I'm fully aware that he no longer does drugs, but it still sickens me that he had done this in the past.

    TL;DR: I'm having a real hard time accepting his past even though that is all behind him.... what he did in the past is something I'm really against(drugs).

    He doesn't have much(which is absolutely not an issue for me) and he really likes it when I hang around, but for me knowing what he had done in the past makes me want to forget I met him and and just move on...knowing he did all of that is just...nasty. He's a great guy, but I'm just damn confused on what to do... maybe I just need some time to process all of this in, I really enjoying hanging out with him.

    Has anyone been in this situation before? Anyone have advice/tips/feedback?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 4:45 AM GMT
    No, I haven't been in those kind of situations before!

    I can only say one thing, 'let bygones be bygones', you may accept or disgust his drug addiction..whatever it may be.. it had happened!

    If you really like him, then build a good friendship between you two!

    as a precaution, keep an eye on his activities until you fully trust him! icon_smile.gif
  • Themikanic

    Posts: 4

    Feb 02, 2013 5:09 AM GMT
    If he hasn't done the wrong thing by you...that is, take drugs whilst you have been friends with him....then cautiously proceed with the friendship. Should you look in your wallet one day and you are inexplicably down say 20 or $30, you haven't spent it; it's more likely your friend will be back on the habit.

    Again, take it slowly and let him prove, over time that bad stuff is all behind him.

    Mike.
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    Feb 02, 2013 5:26 AM GMT
    I just am curious of how old this guy actually is? You said he was diaognosted with HIV at around 23, but when was that? Over 5 years ago? Reason I mention age because from 18 -25 the man he will be, will change from 25-35. Meaning.. a man's out-look on life changes when hes sober and is past the teen years and early 20s of partying like mad. So if he is still very young and was on drugs 3 years ago, you may want to wait and step back from the guy, and just be a cautious friend. But if he is a little more aged and mature, and the drug thing was a part of his party youth days... then perhaps you should be a source of support and really open up to him. You being someone who hates it seems perfect for him to stay on the right path. People come into our lives and have a positive or negative affect upon us. Queation is... do you write off people based on their grudgy past or based on how they are now.. today.. this instant?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 5:29 AM GMT
    Is this the same guy, where on another thread you created, mentioned you were disappointed in him because he told you he was HIV+ after you had oral sex?

    If the answer is yes, you seem to have issues that keep on surfacing with this guy, which makes me wonder what your reaction will be when he tells you more details of his personal life. If he's telling you he's sober, accept it for what it is and move on. If it really bothers you that much, stop seeing the dude and find someone else.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 5:35 AM GMT
    Like you said it's in the "past", focus on the present and future! If he's still doing it then yes forget about it. We all have done stupid things when we were younger, that's why we mature and grow up and think more clearly. The fact that he revealed something this important to you already shows how he deeply regrets and feels he has moved on himself already. Right now, it's just your judgement of his past that needs to be rethink.

    Think of if you had a good straight friend and you revealed that you were gay and he immediately stopped talking to you because he judged you. How would you feel?
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Feb 02, 2013 10:34 AM GMT
    You're best not being his friend because essentially you aren't one now.
    Sobriety is a choice, too. You see his past choices without seeing his present and his evolution is teaching you nothing. Your judgement and lack of forgiveness is a weakness he doesn't need, so you're lying when you say that you think "he's a great guy." Losing you will hurt him at first, but be nothing in the end as he's lost a great deal more than someone like you.
    He deserves better than what you're offering. At least be kind enough to exit before his affection for you deepens. And hope with all your heart you never get judged on this act, because some people, if they met you and you said 'once, I met this older, sober guy who turned his life around and I just couldn't be his friend because his past sickened me' might think 'you sicken me' and leave your company in turn.
    Character counts.
    Your other option is to evolve - he told you his worst, now be brave enough to tell him yours: that you like him but cant find a way to forgive his past. Then ask him 'how did the people you hurt with your drug addiction find a way to forgive you? How did you forgive yourself?'
    Then listen. And learn.
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Feb 02, 2013 1:12 PM GMT
    As someone said, let bygones be bygones. See past that and enjoy his company. Who knows? Maybe something beautiful will come out of this? I'm in the same situation right now, but I don't care about my man's past. I've never done drugs, but that's me. People make mistakes and as long as they learn their lesson, it's all good. Get to know him more, spend as much time as you need with him and find out for yourself whether it's worth giving it a try.

    Best of luck icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 1:29 PM GMT
    Most people who have lived any sort of life have some sort of skeletons in some sort of closet. Drugs may be your issue of choice, some people can't stand former prisoners, or republicans or people with tattoos. Choices are like that, we don't have to justify them, they are choices on what we like or don't like.
    My only question to you is what do you want out of this coffee meeting thing you two have going? You are so into judging him and hating his former drug lifestyle, I am doubting you would ever step up to be a true friend. Sounds like you should just drop the pretense and find someone who fits your "straightedge" lifestyle.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 2:52 PM GMT
    Our past should not define us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    schwinn147 saidI know everyone is different, so advice from just a general perspective would help! Let me try to keep this brief, everyone hates long posts

    First of all, you are not here to please the RJ whiners. Write what you want how you want and own it.

    As I got to know him more, I found out that he was a drug addict on and off for several years. And as of right now, he's been sober and clean for 3 years(since 2009). He really had the party lifestyle so to speak. He was diagnosed with HIV at around the age of 23 and was told he only had 5 years to live, (who knew we would still be alive to this day?) But that's when he started doing drugs on and off for several years. From heroin, coke, oxycontin, to the drug he regrets fully, meth.

    Not trying to sound like a straightedge, but I would never do drugs. I straight out hate drugs. This was all a big shock to me, I never knew ANYONE who had done hard drugs. I was pretty disgusted from the things he did. He said that it was all in his past and he no longer does drugs at all & is not part of that lifestyle anymore. I'm fully aware that he no longer does drugs, but it still sickens me that he had done this in the past.

    Be careful here. You have no idea what challenges your future holds. I hate to say this, but the disgust you feel would change to understanding if you were doing drugs. It's just a difference in perception, that's all.

    TL;DR: I'm having a real hard time accepting his past even though that is all behind him.... what he did in the past is something I'm really against(drugs).

    Judgement, plain and simple. You are not befriending someone or yourself by doing so. You were not there to experience him on drugs first hand. Why should someone have to earn forgiveness from you without doing something to you which required it? Again, be careful here. How would you like others to judge you on your past?


    He doesn't have much(which is absolutely not an issue for me) and he really likes it when I hang around, but for me knowing what he had done in the past makes me want to forget I met him and and just move on...knowing he did all of that is just...nasty. He's a great guy, but I'm just damn confused on what to do... maybe I just need some time to process all of this in, I really enjoying hanging out with him.

    Has anyone been in this situation before? Anyone have advice/tips/feedback?



    All I can say here is be very, very careful about your perceptions on addictions and the people who have/had them. I could go on and on, but for now it's time to go to work. Re-read the post by MuscleComeBack. His point is well made.
    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • istw

    Posts: 20

    Feb 02, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    If it's deserved my love, I would like spend my everything to his limited life.