I want to tell my best friend from high school that I am gay. What advice can you guys give me???

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    Feb 05, 2013 2:33 AM GMT
    I recently made a post, asking for advice on how to become a better RJ member. I had so many good responses and a lot of good advice was given, that I decided to ask another question. I have been best friends with this girls since pre-k, and she has no clue about me. So what should I do or not do when I hopefully tell her soon? What should I expect? She will be the only person close to me that knows I am gay, other than my mother and father.


    All recommendations welcomed!!!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 05, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    If she truly is a good friend most likely it won't matter. She might even say she suspected as much but don't know you or her so who knows. Sometimes it does come as a shock and can have a period of adjustment for both of you. Other times it is just greeted with appreciation for having confided in the friend.

    Too many variables to know but it sounds like it should be easy sailing. Most important thing, though, is you be clear you don't want to be outed so this has to be kept between the two of you. For some people keeping a secret is very difficult. They want to share the news with another friend because it is exciting and interesting.
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    Feb 05, 2013 2:43 AM GMT
    MikeW saidIf she truly is a good friend most likely it won't matter. She might even say she suspected as much but don't know you or her so who knows. Sometimes it does come as a shock and can have a period of adjustment for both of you. Other times it is just greeted with appreciation for having confided in the friend.

    Too many variables to know but it sounds like it should be easy sailing. Most important thing, though, is you be clear you don't want to be outed so this has to be kept between the two of you. For some people keeping a secret is very difficult. They want to share the news with another friend because it is exciting and interesting.



    Hey thanks a lot!!! Yeah I highly doubt it will matter, but it is still scary! Whether or not she is fine with it, I don't know, but I do know I can trust her. Besides this one thing, she knows everything about me. I do greatly appreciate your response, so thanks again!!!
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    Feb 05, 2013 4:11 AM GMT
    It's good to come out to your close friends!

    Before you tell her, Since you want to keep it as a secret,I just want to remind you that most people will reveal secrets sooner or later & especially women!

    besides, she is your best friend! I think best friends are honest with each other...& you can go ahead & tell her

    Find some time where you two can be alone! & tell her...

    all the best...
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 05, 2013 4:14 AM GMT
    Is she in love with you? How does she not already know if she's your best friend?
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    Feb 05, 2013 4:17 AM GMT
    HottJoe saidIs she in love with you? How does she not already know if she's your best friend?


    My best friends don't know that I'm gay...
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 05, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    Harry7785 said
    HottJoe saidIs she in love with you? How does she not already know if she's your best friend?


    My best friends don't know that I'm gay...


    And they're girls? If so, don't they wonder why you're not asking them out?
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    Feb 05, 2013 4:29 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Harry7785 said
    HottJoe saidIs she in love with you? How does she not already know if she's your best friend?


    My best friends don't know that I'm gay...


    And they're girls? If so, don't they wonder why you're not asking them out?


    Good question!
    They are boys, but they still wonder why I didn't have any girl friends...& they don't suspect I'm gay!
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Feb 05, 2013 8:13 AM GMT
    You know to be honest, I'm not really sure.

    I personally have had my coming out experiences in real life go badly in most situations , unless the person has a natural subjective bias to gay men. like if they love gay men they will usually come out *to me* first anyway and be like "oh god you're gay right. I LOVE gay men. WHEEEE."

    if i have to come out to them, I unfortunately get the following responses:

    "Well I worry about aids...."
    "I don't think you even are gay. Just confused."
    "I don't care if you are gay. Nobody cares if you are gay we just want you to get a job!"
    "Oh that means you will be good at fashion!" (they will be like so superficial with it or something. which isn't that bad honestly I am not *that* sensitive.)
    "DUH!"

    In other words, you can't come out with the expectation that it means other people will completely understand homosexuality like you yourself do. You have to teach them slowly over time, and we all know how difficult it can be for humans to actually learn new things without stubbornly thinking that they know they are right.

    You have to teach them to be sensitive to you more slowly over time or something, these things naturally change slowly and so really just let them have whatever reaction they're going to have w/o getting emotionally sensitive about it. I know this is difficult for gay guys to do becuz we have the biggest hearts of them all but really just ... be confident and come out for you and don't worry about what other people are gonna say about it or not.

    I wish more gay guys got the really ideal pretty bow version but that is not realistic, even though if that did happen I think that would do so much amazing good in the world.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 05, 2013 2:36 PM GMT
    Good points, gaymessiah. Re stereotypes, though, it isn't just "coming out". I don't even mean anything derogatory, just that even people who know me very well and have known me for decades think I *must* (for example) be a good interior designer *because* after all I *am* gay. icon_rolleyes.gif I keep telling them, "No, gay means I suck dick and fuck ass, has nothing to do with my interior design skills." Then *they* look at me like I'm crazy!
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    Feb 05, 2013 5:23 PM GMT
    Announce your favorite marine mammal to be a dolphin. State the reason being “dolphins sometimes engage in homosexual activity."

    Write to the Ellen Show and maybe she could announce it for you.

    Put the “I’m gay” message in an empty bottle and put it in their bathtub.

    Use sign language or tell them you favourite letters in the alphabet are "G", "A" and "Y".

    Play hangman. When it’s your turn make the phrase they have to guess be “I’m gay”.

    Put together a scavenger hunt, where the clues are all gay related and lead to you expressing your feelings.

    Record your voice saying “I’m gay” in a build-a-bear and give it as a gift.
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    Feb 05, 2013 5:27 PM GMT
    Well when coming out you usually have a plan on how you're going to say it and usually (at the beginning, due to nervousness) you end up forgetting it and having some sort of a verbal diahrrea lol. But just keep in my mind that usually people just don't care and all the things we worry about are meaningless.

    Coming out is the best thing you could do, you do feel "lighter". Anyhoo, g'luck mate icon_razz.gif.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Feb 05, 2013 5:28 PM GMT
    Why do you need to tell her?
  • HottJoe

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    Feb 05, 2013 6:04 PM GMT
    Medjai saidWhy do you need to tell her?


    Why do you need to be a little bitch?icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:12 PM GMT
    Are you assuming she doesn't already know? Girls tend to figure it out pretty easily in my experience.

    If she's your best friend, it shouldn't bother her and she should be supportive. I also find girl friends tend to be more supportive of gays coming out than guy friends.
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:16 PM GMT
    Tell her it's gonna be ok! If things dont work out don't blame her you'll have plenty of cute gurls wanting you as there gay friend!!! Keep us posted!!
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Feb 05, 2013 6:25 PM GMT
    What does it mean to be out? What do you stand to lose by coming out? Which one is more important right now to you in your relationship with the person?
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:32 PM GMT
    MikeW saidGood points, gaymessiah. Re stereotypes, though, it isn't just "coming out". I don't even mean anything derogatory, just that even people who know me very well and have known me for decades think I *must* (for example) be a good interior designer *because* after all I *am* gay. icon_rolleyes.gif I keep telling them, "No, gay means I suck dick and fuck ass, has nothing to do with my interior design skills." Then *they* look at me like I'm crazy!



    I can definitely relate. I had an old girl friend ask me yesterday in text, "I need help picking out lingerie." I replied "I haven't the slightest clue as to what looks good on a woman, ask one of your girl friends..."

    I mean come on, me liking men has nothing to do with my sense of fashion (or a lack there of).
  • RaggedyMan

    Posts: 7185

    Feb 05, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    I was apprehensive about telling my friend, who is a guy, about me being gay only because I didn't know how he would react. I've known him for almost 10 years. I finally told him a few weeks ago. He was upset. Upset at the fact I didn't tell him first lol. It kinda made my day/week. You'd be surprised by the reactions you will get. Not everyone will react the same but you won't know until you trust yourself and your friends.
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    Feb 05, 2013 6:40 PM GMT
    I think the fact that she is a girl and also a guy's best friend means she may already know on some level. We are living in the 21st century. People are becoming more aware about things like this. And I imagine the honesty will only bring you closer. You need all the support in the at this point in your life.

    And if she does have an issue with it, then fuck the cunt, she's just a girl ;)

    But seriously, have no fear telling people you consider your best friends.

    Good luck.
  • JackDoyle

    Posts: 706

    Feb 05, 2013 6:47 PM GMT
    If I were you I would maybe go for a few drinks so you're both relaxed and then just tell her that you've always been attracted to guys and you just wanted to tell her because she is a close friend? and that be that
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 05, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    Just tell her some story about some guy that you dated. If she acts shocked, just act surprised and tell her you assumed that she knew.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Feb 05, 2013 7:32 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Medjai saidWhy do you need to tell her?


    Why do you need to be a little bitch?icon_lol.gif


    Because my boyfriend likes it. icon_eek.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 05, 2013 7:46 PM GMT
    Medjai said
    HottJoe said
    Medjai saidWhy do you need to tell her?


    Why do you need to be a little bitch?icon_lol.gif


    Because my boyfriend likes it. icon_eek.gif


    Lol, good answer.icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2013 7:56 PM GMT
    Harry7785 said
    HottJoe said
    Harry7785 said
    HottJoe saidIs she in love with you? How does she not already know if she's your best friend?


    My best friends don't know that I'm gay...


    And they're girls? If so, don't they wonder why you're not asking them out?


    Good question!
    They are boys, but they still wonder why I didn't have any girl friends...& they don't suspect I'm gay!


    Keep telling yourself that. They're just to polite to bring up the subject.

    People: Those closest to you either know or highly suspicious. When you finally tell them they will probably say something along the lines of:

    I always suspected...
    That explains...

    And if they truly love you, it won't make a damned bit of difference to them.