Dating someone on what feel like their terms

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2013 2:11 AM GMT
    Hi all

    I'm just not sure how to handle this:
    Still dating the guy I am with but increasingly getting more unhappy and I don't know how to resolve it or what to do?

    He's a genuinely lovely guy in some regards but it feels like everything is on his terms- I can't even feel free to call him
    To talk on the phone, as he's always tired after heavy days, he never wants to come to my place and I have to travel
    To meet him at his, the sex and intimacy is so on his terms in that he even seems to be so defensive even in letting me kiss him.

    I'm beginning to feel really stupid and unhappy and don't know how to communicate with him.

    Anybody been through a relationship like this? I'm on the verge of dumping him because I don't feel happy and yet he does things like buy tickets for shows ahead of time for my birthday in 3 weeks which makes me feel guilty that I feel as I do.
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    Feb 06, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    In what ways is he lovely? You didn't list those, so it's hard to compare to the negatives that you did list.

    What happens when you call him? What happens when you text? What are his BEHAVIORS. Those can be really telling... so hearing about them will help me in forming an opinion.

    hat specifically makes you feel stupid?

    I have been in several relationships that made me feel in some ways similar to yours. But I would like more details about your specific relationship.

    Looking forward to hearing more.
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    Feb 06, 2013 2:26 AM GMT
    He is generous but when I call he will let it go on to voice mail and doesn't reply or he will reply by text . I seem
    To communicate via text to him
    More than anything and it feels like he is constantly standoffish. We get on in most ways but even sex is controlled with him dictating the pace and flow.
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    Feb 06, 2013 10:20 AM GMT
    Sounds like you are unhappy, and I don't consider my friendships to be real if they exist mainly via text.

    Have you talked to him? Told him how you feel about the communication? What are his responses to these comments?

    Have you told him how you feel about the sex? What are his responses?
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    Feb 06, 2013 9:23 PM GMT
    Spoke to him. He accepted my points and we have resolved it. Still together. He admits that he's been standoffish but accepts its part of his personality. He says he also cares about me and we are on the same page
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    Feb 06, 2013 9:37 PM GMT
    blactor saidSpoke to him. He accepted my points and we have resolved it. Still together. He admits that he's been standoffish but accepts its part of his personality. He says he also cares about me and we are on the same page


    Until the next time when you are whining about some shit.

    I'll give it two months.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 06, 2013 9:39 PM GMT
    He sounds controlling and extreme. I know coming from a stranger online this may seem off the wall... but my sincere advice is to dump him and be friends. Based on what you described it sounds like this is a personal attribute of his. You can spend your life trying to change him and make him see the nonsense of it, or you can back out of the relationship before it escalates into more control over your life.
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    Feb 06, 2013 10:09 PM GMT
    Blondizgd said
    blactor saidSpoke to him. He accepted my points and we have resolved it. Still together. He admits that he's been standoffish but accepts its part of his personality. He says he also cares about me and we are on the same page


    Until the next time when you are whining about some shit.

    I'll give it two months.icon_rolleyes.gif

    lol, dont be such a negative nancy.

    Obvi, this guy just wants advice and is prob overthinking everything. That can easily happen in a new relationship. I think the OP generally wants it to work, but is afraid of certain things going on now and wants advice on how to perhaps wade through these testy waters?

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    Feb 06, 2013 10:13 PM GMT
    Although "the terms" were different, been there, done that. Let it go on far too long.

    To make things work, both parties have to be willing to bend (unless they're some freakish perfect fit to begin with.) In my case, I listed three or so things that had to start going my way, in order to continue. Those were not acceptable to him, so we parted as friends.
    Except... he keeps coming back.

    I try not to let stuff like that drag on too long any more. Got stuck in a miserable job for 12 years that way.
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    Feb 06, 2013 10:25 PM GMT
    I would dump him. From what you said the bad out weighs the good.
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    Feb 06, 2013 10:27 PM GMT
    blactor saidSpoke to him. He accepted my points and we have resolved it. Still together. He admits that he's been standoffish but accepts its part of his personality. He says he also cares about me and we are on the same page


    If it's part of his personality his old behavior will creep back into the relationship. First sign of it happening and I'd cut my loses and dump him.
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    Feb 06, 2013 10:58 PM GMT
    blactor saidSpoke to him. He accepted my points and we have resolved it. Still together. He admits that he's been standoffish but accepts its part of his personality. He says he also cares about me and we are on the same page


    When he tells you that he recognizes that he is being standoffish, and that this is a part of his personality... are you sure he is not trying to tell you to learn to deal with it?

    Unless he has measurable goals and a plan to change these parts of his personality, he will not change. You can't change him, and you shouldn't try.

    I agree with previous posters. If this doesn't shape up fast (I'm talking a week or two), then move on. You deserve better.
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    Feb 06, 2013 11:21 PM GMT
    I see nothing lovely about him if everything is on his terms.
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    Feb 07, 2013 7:43 AM GMT
    Blondizgd said
    blactor saidSpoke to him. He accepted my points and we have resolved it. Still together. He admits that he's been standoffish but accepts its part of his personality. He says he also cares about me and we are on the same page


    Until the next time when you are whining about some shit.

    I'll give it two months.icon_rolleyes.gif


    For various reasons, I've not had a major relationship before, so I'm trying to gauge through things.

    What sickens me at times aboutthis site is how vile and nasty some people can be. It's totally unnecessary and ugly. There's no need for bitchy comments and all it Does it show the state of your mind- bitter, mean spirited and ugly.

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    Feb 07, 2013 8:13 AM GMT
    blactor saidHi all

    I'm just not sure how to handle this:
    Still dating the guy I am with but increasingly getting more unhappy and I don't know how to resolve it or what to do?

    He's a genuinely lovely guy in some regards but it feels like everything is on his terms- I can't even feel free to call him
    To talk on the phone, as he's always tired after heavy days, he never wants to come to my place and I have to travel
    To meet him at his, the sex and intimacy is so on his terms in that he even seems to be so defensive even in letting me kiss him.

    I'm beginning to feel really stupid and unhappy and don't know how to communicate with him.

    Anybody been through a relationship like this? I'm on the verge of dumping him because I don't feel happy and yet he does things like buy tickets for shows ahead of time for my birthday in 3 weeks which makes me feel guilty that I feel as I do.


    RUN!

    If it's not mutual it's not right. I teach healthy relationships to incarcerated men and women. Let me tell you, if you're not able to be open with him about what your needs are and being civil, simple, and direct then really is it worth it? What are you getting out of it? If it's on his terms, uh... last I checked relationships were a two way street. He's gotta be willing to give and if not then... well.. yeah..
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    Feb 07, 2013 8:18 AM GMT
    You can't really call him - strike 1
    He's too tired to Talk ..... - strike 2
    You drive to his house, have sex and kiss him on his own terms - strike 3

    You should dump him, don't feel bad because he got tickets ! A relationship is about compromise and a 2 way street. I ended it recently with someone because he doesn't feel comfortable holding hands and kissing in public ! Yikes !! icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 07, 2013 8:35 AM GMT
    In hindsight all of this will feel silly to you. In hindsight you'll be disappointed in yourself for overlooking the signs. In hindsight you'll remember the resentment you felt toward some of the snarky others who gave this guy a less-than-favorable review or dismissed you as clueless.

    Fortunately you have quite some time to live in the present, because the gift of hindsight comes sometime in the (possibly distant) future.

    What you have now is the ability to take constructive action and make your presence known to him. The behaviors that he's using to control the circumstances of your relationship with him are available to you as well. Maybe it makes you sick to your stomach to imagine manipulating someone--after all, honesty & forthrightness are virtues to you, right? But see, it's not beneath him, and here you are, falling for him. Play back, just as hard. Play dumb, like he does.

    If in the end you get what you want--him--it's all worth it. If it drives him away, well, remember there's that whole hindsight thing to look forward to.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Feb 07, 2013 1:05 PM GMT
    My dear British Gent tell us what it is that you find lovely about him? while most people seem to overlook this, I find it to be extremely crucial as to why you are so persistent to make this relationship with him work! if you don't mind please tell us what is it about him that makes you want to make these emotional storms you both are going through work out at the end!?

    Hugs,

    Leandro