FORUMS > Dating & Relationships Forum Rules

Hi I'm 20 yrs old right now and I'm currently going to school. I'm not officially out of the closet yet and have just really accepted the fact that I am gay. Ok so I was at work (i'm a cashier) and I was on my break and I saw this guy there that was really cute. He looked very clean cut and looked like his eyebrows had definitely been waxed because they looked near perfect. I asked someone I work with about him and was very disappointed to find out that he has a girlfriend. A few weeks went by and I only saw him once working in women's shoes. School started and hes in one of my classes. I was really excited so after our first class I asked him if he worked where I do and he said that he had just quit. Over the last month I've slowly become friends with him. We usually eat lunch after our class and talk for about an hour or so. In all the times I've talked to him he has never once mentioned his girlfriend to me once. I really hate stereotyping although its the only thing that has really given me any hope. He has a very softspoken voice, he loves to shop, he has a very extensive vocabulary for someone who grew up and such a crappy part of the city he lives in, and he has a very very similar personality to mine. Most people I meet think that I'm straight, although I have had some gay rumors go about me before so obvioiusly something with my mannerisms, my vocabulary and or voice is setting some people off. I know any of these things alone would not be enough to make such a decision but with a combination of all of these is making me hope that he is. It would be really nice to at least have a friend who is going exactly through what I'm going through. I myself have gone out with girls in the last year and have had sex with them in order to hide my sexuality.Should I just let it go?

enjoy the friendship, ask for nothing more, what ever will happen, will happen.

He could be gay, he might not be, he just may feel no reason to mention girlfriends or past girlfriends I know straight guys you wouldn't know are dating because there girlfriend just doesn't factor into the conversation with another guy.. got better things to talk about really.

Im in the same situation and the only thing you really can do as lil tanker memntioned is just to keep the friendship going and see what happens.
Sure you can just go ahead and ask him if he is gay but

a) he might not be
or
b) hes just not ready to come out.

Akwardness insues.
Thats life in the closet i guess.
or
c) hes in the same spot as you and it
strengthens your friendship.

lilTanker and brisk270 give you good advice. Your Profile doesn't tell me where you live, and that can be a factor in what you should, and can, do. Some areas of the US are more gay-accepting, others more hostile.

And living in a small town can be more restrictive than living in a larger city. I always advocate doing what is best for YOU, under YOUR set of unique circumstances. One size does NOT fit all.

Coming out with a brass band may work for Johnny in New York City; it can be fatal for Mark in East Podunk. That's the world we live in, though I hope we all work to change that someday.

Can you tell us more about your circumstances there?

You can't tell if a guy is gay, especially if they are a closeted homosexual. Perhaps you should accept your own sexuality and come out to this guy. Worst case scenario, he doesn't like homosexuals and isn't a human being worth knowing. It will give you a little practice in the very necessary coming out process.

You know and like any other guy I used to live by the cardinal tell tale signs and then BAM, we got one. But these days its getting so incredibly hard more people probably don't advance in fear of being extremely embarrased. One of my best friends decided to jump out of closet in the middle of a two year relationship with his girlfriend. It's amazing, I'm telling you AMAZING how often we're mistaken in either direction.

Have you tried asking him directly if he has a girlfriend? Or bringing up girls in conversation?

How someone responds when asked about their dating life can be quite telling.

Try to find a gay support group so you can figure out yourself first. Than when you do, if he is still around, tell him your gay, and try to quit playing all the guessing games, it will make your life a lot easier.

A quick easy question for you to ask..."Are you seeing someone at this time"? Easy yes/no answer and leaves him open to elaborate if he wishes. Hell, he may have a boyfriend!! Worked for me... and yes he was straight. Nothing ventured....

Koaa2 saidTry to find a gay support group so you can figure out yourself first. Than when you do, if he is still around, tell him your gay, and try to quit playing all the guessing games, it will make your life a lot easier.

AMEN...just went through that myself. See the blog topic "Coming Out." My friends were so accepting of me and has done nothing but strengthen our friendship. But I live in a very hostile area of the country towards gays. I live in rural Texas where I'm currently attending Texas A&M (who's butt got kicked tonight against OSU). You need to be VERY aware of your surroundings.

Remember... he could just be a metrosexual. Damnit I hate those guys so much! (jk) But, they send gay guys wrong messages sometimes. Str8 guys aren't suppose to care what they look like... they are suppose to drink beer, burp and fart whenever they want, have a "little lady friend," go huntin' and wear flannel, sweatpants, boxers, and sports shirts.

Str8 guys aren't suppose to have facials, wear designer briefs (2xist, C-IN^2, UNICO, etc.) and shop at designer stores (Armani, D&G, Prada, etc)

"str8 guys: go back to shooting animals and drinking beer!"


haha, btw, people are breaking down sterotypes nowadays. Sexuality has become very fluid... it's more like a spectrum instead of clear cut gay, str8, bi.... hmmm bi


HE COULD BE BISEXUAL! Ever thought of that?

cjcscuba1984 saidRemember... he could just be a metrosexual. Damnit I hate those guys so much! (jk)

LOL!!! You made me think of the South Park episode, where all the men in town suddenly become Metrosexuals. And their wives have a meeting about it, and one wife says: "Well, at least it got him to shave his balls!"

Try to see if this guy has shaved balls... LOL!

Ever play Roulette?

I'd bet on Sixteen black ...

Hey thanks a lot for the advice. Yeah I think I'm just gonna continue to be friends with him. If he is in the closet then obviously I cannot force him out.

A few weeks went by and I only saw him once working in women's shoes.

Oh, if he's wearing women's shoes, he's definitely gay.

(I'm sorry, I tried... but I just couldn't resist.)

Okay, funny stuff aside, just talk to him. If you get to the point where you feel comfortable telling him what you're going through, you'll open vast avenues of communication. It may very well be the case he's in the same boat, or maybe not. If he's a fair-minded friend, though, it won't matter, and your opening-up to him may make you better friends. What do you have to lose, really?

Brix (and others) are right in that you don't have much to lose (if he hates you because you're gay... well, better to know now than months or years down the line).

On the other hand, you might not be ready to take that leap. In that case you can bide your time and keep guessing or try more subtle approaches.

One obvious one this time of year may be politics and the presidential election. Obviously there are gay Republicans, and I'd venture more-so amongst the younger crowd, but you could discuss concern over Supreme Court appointments. Or, especially in California, there is that ballot initiate about gay marriage....

I think I got a little lost in what you are looking for from this guy. A friends a friend regardless of sexuality unless you'd like to date him at this point I don't see a need to play the gay card. If at a certain point you feel a need to disclose your sexuality to him go for it and see what happens. You seem to relate to this guy without knowing for sure if he's gay. Just focus on that. You have common interests apparently. Sounds like a good basis for a cool friendship to me. Why he has to be gay I'm lost on.

Jsttennis77 saidI think I got a little lost in what you are looking for from this guy. A friends a friend regardless of sexuality unless you'd like to date him at this point I don't see a need to play the gay card. If at a certain point you feel a need to disclose your sexuality to him go for it and see what happens. You seem to relate to this guy without knowing for sure if he's gay. Just focus on that. You have common interests apparently. Sounds like a good basis for a cool friendship to me. Why he has to be gay I'm lost on.

He doesn't have to be gay. I just think it would be nice to just find someone outside of a support group who is going through exactly what I'm going through. Today was the first day he mentioned liking a girl but even the way he said it seemed like even he didn't believe it. We were in the computer lab at my school and this girl walked by and said hi to him. After she left the room he said, "I had the hugest crush on her last year". Most if not all straight guys I know would not have worded it like that. They would have said something along the lines of shes so hot, or I wanted her so bad last year, or she has a nice ass or something. Again this obviously doesn't mean anything but even the tone of voice he said it in just sounded like he was trying to convice both himself and me. I did just recently finally come out to my family but thats it so far. I haven't had the courage to tell any of my close friends yet and definitely not my new friend. Also I've been hanging out with him for well over a month now and I still have not heard him mention his girlfriend once. I was actually talking to someone at work and I guess they do not see each other much at all even though they live about 5-10 minutes from each other. That to me is kinda weird. I did make the mistake of telling him afterwards that I liked this girl at my work which I completely regret now.

Support groups are fine for some people but honestly I'm really just not comfortable joining one. I just think it would be really great to just have met someone in real life that is going through the same thing as me. Are there any signs that he could be giving me or anything I should look out for? Thanks

you should enjoy the friendship dude

just ask if he's seeing anyone
maybe he's feeling the same way and posting the same question on a different gay advice thread, maybe you are the one he thinks of last before going to sleep and whispering, "If only I knew if he were gay..."

or maybe not
but you still have a friend
win win

Ok heres an update of my situation. Ok I still only see him at school. We talk before and during class and then we usually either go eat lunch on the cafeteria or hang out in the game room. One thing that I didn't mention was that after about 2 weeks of talking to him i asked him if he wanted to hang out on a thursday night and go drinking. He seemed really into it and told me he'd call me around 7ish and he made sure that I had his number. At exactly 7 he sends me a text saying that he really didn't feel like going out afterall. This really upset me because it made me think that maybe he didn't like me. A week later he was supposed to play paintball with me and a few friends and he texted me the night before and said that he had way too much homework. This obviously made me think that he didn't like me. I started to get over him but over the next few weeks he seemed to talk to me more. One day he skipped class so i was gonna go home immediately from school. He then sends me a text asking me if i was having fun in class and told me to call him when i got out. We ended up eating lunch together again and I started to think that maybe he did like me. I changed departments recently at work and I was talking to some people that used to know him. One guy I talked to said that hes a nice kid but they made plans to go out sometime and it never happened. I talked to this other girl and she said that she invited him to a soccer game and he didn't end up going. His girlfriend talks to me a lot and she was really upset because she said that she hardly ever sees him when they live 5 -10minutes from each other. She said that she saw him for a couple hours on friday, and when he called her on sat. he said he had to go almost immediately. She told me that the only time they see each other is maybe for a little while on friday and on sundays. She also told me shes never been to his house and they've been dating for at least 3 months now. I asked her what he does during the week and she said he doesn't really do much or go out and that hes home a lot. This leads me to believe he doesn't really like to go out that often or maybe that he doesn't have that many friends? I'm really just wondering how I should approach this. Even if he did end up being gay I really don't think I'd be interested in dating him. I just want to be friends with the guy but I just don't get him. I really don't go out that often myself and I don't drink that much. We both live with our parents and don't really have many friends in common. We've been hanging out for a while now and I haven't asked him to hang out for a while so I think I'm gonna ask him to hang out again. I don't know what I should do tho. Where would we hang out? He was telling me that he doesn't like clubs, i dont either. I think my main concern is that the symester ends in like 6 weeks and hes told me that he might be transferring schools next symester. I have my group of friends but I really see the potential for a great friend but I don't want him to think I'm being a total sketchball. Yes I know I am totally man crushing on him but what should I do?

Hmm this is a tough one. I mean he could be trying to live a "normal" life by dating a girl that he won't have to be very sexual with just to say he has a girlfriend if anyone ever suspects him of being gay. He might just be a nice straight guy. I dunno you could ask him if he wants to go to get something to eat or play pool. If hes into sports at all you could ask him if he wants to come over and watch a game and have a few beers or something? I dunno if what you're saying is exactly how it is I think that he could be gay.