I need some honest opinions

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    I met a guy recently who I like who I think might be non-straight (I have no clue exactly in which direction his tire swings) and I think he's attracted to me. I like him and I want to get to know him but I find myself being confused about this time in what could lead to something deeper. Am I allowed to see or talk to other people if we aren't really a thing yet? Would that be considered cheating? I don't think so but in my mind it feels like it would be. But I think it would be unfair to me to have to be tied to someone else and have things not lead in an optimal direction and I end up alone when I could of protected myself and had a backup.

    I tend to do this a lot. I can never focus on one person because I'm always looking for the next best thing. I'm always looking for something better to fall back on. I can't just enjoy the moment because I assume eventually they're going to leave me anyway so why I can't insure that I won't be completely alone? And then I feel like if things are uncertain is it really cheating if I meet someone else and it's clearer that this other guy wants a relationship while person number one doesn't really give me the clearest signals but it's still too early to tell.

    This guy I'm talking about he's a really sweet guy and one of the reasons why I'm drawn to him is how fragile he is. He's a beautiful person on the inside I can tell but his drinking has just got him in such a bad way. He actually broke his collar bone because he fell down the stairs but he doesn't remember doing that because he was drunk. Whenever I'm around him I feel this sense of like 'I need to be here for him' even when he's sober. I really don't want to push it to much but at the same time he is too coy with how he feels about me and I feel like I don't wanna get my hopes up for someone who may not throw them back for me.

    Keep in mind now there is only one person right now. What are y'all's opinions?
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    Feb 06, 2013 10:26 PM GMT
    Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
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    Feb 06, 2013 11:08 PM GMT
    You don't even know if he is gay, but you want to stop meeting other people? That is extreme from my perspective. You haven't even had a conversation if he is gay, you don't even know if he is attracted to you, but you want to stop meeting other people already? No. Do not do that. If he considered this cheating, I would consider him unstable and not a good partner. When I am dating someone and they try to stop me from meeting other people (simply for friendship) I think that they are jealous and unstable.

    Don't think of people as backups. Your interactions with each human being are unique and special. There are no better than, or worse than.

    You're drawn to an alcoholic. That says something about YOU! WHY are you drawn to someone like this? Ask yourself this before you commit to a mistake. You trying to "be there for him" is in fact harming him. He needs to grow strong and be independent on his own as a solid individual. You are not his therapist or doctor.

    Here's one potential scenario. What if he knows you are into him, and he is USING your emotions to control you? He gets to play coy while you pine after him and chase him. It might not be true... or it might be very true...
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    Feb 07, 2013 12:46 AM GMT
    JerseyJames75 saidYou don't even know if he is gay, but you want to stop meeting other people? That is extreme from my perspective. You haven't even had a conversation if he is gay, you don't even know if he is attracted to you, but you want to stop meeting other people already? No. Do not do that. If he considered this cheating, I would consider him unstable and not a good partner. When I am dating someone and they try to stop me from meeting other people (simply for friendship) I think that they are jealous and unstable.

    Don't think of people as backups. Your interactions with each human being are unique and special. There are no better than, or worse than.

    You're drawn to an alcoholic. That says something about YOU! WHY are you drawn to someone like this? Ask yourself this before you commit to a mistake. You trying to "be there for him" is in fact harming him. He needs to grow strong and be independent on his own as a solid individual. You are not his therapist or doctor.
    Here's one potential scenario. What if he knows you are into him, and he is USING your emotions to control you? He gets to play coy while you pine after him and chase him. It might not be true... or it might be very true...


    Well I asked and he evaded the question. And then I asked again and there was a very uncomfortable 'I'm straight' as if he wasn't sure. And we never talk about women always guys he finds attractive so it's not like I'm entirely clueless.

    And I didn't know he was one when I met him.....well actually when I meant him he was drunk but I assumed it wasn't a usual think. I learned quickly it was but I still like him. It's only been in the past few days we've started talking 'in that way' but I've known he had a drinking problem for a while. But I have issues too and feel like maybe if I had someone to be better for I wouldn't be the mess I am.
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    Feb 07, 2013 1:46 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]JerseyJames75 said[/cite]Don't think of people as backups. Your interactions with each human being are unique and special. There are no better than, or worse than[quote]

    And I know people are different but I don't want to be without someone either. I want someone else to fall back on.
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    Feb 07, 2013 1:49 AM GMT
    Geez MNP. I thought you were celebrate to get your life in perspective. Here is a guy who FIRST you don't know is gay...and you already imagine yourself in a relationship with him. SECOND he clearly is an alcoholic and you are attracted to him because of that.

    Like I have said before MNP...look at the guys are you attracted to. They are no good. Stay away from him....
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 07, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    That's 'celibate' isn't it, Rad?

    OP, some people have another term for backups. They call them friends. If you are basing things solely on whether you have a bed partner or not, it would be good for you to think about a wider life. It can't all be about a partner.

    As for your rescue tendencies, that is not a firm foundation for a relationship of any kind. The person does not need to be fixed. He needs to fix himself. It's great to lend support when you can, but the dependency, or co-dependency is not really building a bond, it is just reinforcing neuroses.

    Get yourself together and comfortable wih dealing with several people at different levels of friendship before you get a puppy. If the puppy works out well, consider a boyfriend next.



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    Feb 07, 2013 5:53 AM GMT
    MNP, I might suggest seeing a counselor/therapist/psychologist to talk about these concerns. Extensive conversations over long spans of time can help you explore why you feel the need to connect to someone so strongly, and also why you choose alcoholics.

    I'm not sure if you're in school or working, but most individuals can find some kind of insurance covered counseling, or sliding scale counseling.

    You would be doing yourself a great favor. You would be giving yourself a gift of healthier thinking and a brighter future.
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    Feb 07, 2013 6:13 AM GMT
    JerseyJames75 saidMNP, I might suggest seeing a counselor/therapist/psychologist to talk about these concerns. Extensive conversations over long spans of time can help you explore why you feel the need to connect to someone so strongly, and also why you choose alcoholics.

    I'm not sure if you're in school or working, but most individuals can find some kind of insurance covered counseling, or sliding scale counseling.

    You would be doing yourself a great favor. You would be giving yourself a gift of healthier thinking and a brighter future.


    I couldn't agree more.
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Feb 07, 2013 12:33 PM GMT
    Wow you need help.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:18 PM GMT
    Go out of your way to take him to lunch (keep the lunch trips dry... as in no places that serve alcohol), on the same day every week.

    Do it for a few weeks, and allow him the opportunity to discuss his alcoholic issues (without you bringing it up). See if he's getting himself some help. If he's not, stay platonic. Maybe even offer him your designated driving skills.

    And no, it's not cheating. In fact, absolutely bring up your other dating war stories as topics at lunchtime. It may raise his antennae that you're out there looking... and if he's interested in you, that may actually help sober him up.

    Just in case you threaded the needles and find (a) he's started sobering up and (b) he's interested in you, be prepared to have a series of dry dating ideas (no trips to the rock concert or the annual beer festival, e.g.) so the two of you can move beyond lunchtime.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    Amira saidWow you need help.


    Your comment is rude and adds no value to the conversation. Someone is asking for help. Leave.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    dayumm saidGo out of your way to take him to lunch (keep the lunch trips dry... as in no places that serve alcohol), on the same day every week.

    Do it for a few weeks, and allow him the opportunity to discuss his alcoholic issues (without you bringing it up). See if he's getting himself some help. If he's not, stay platonic. Maybe even offer him your designated driving skills.

    And no, it's not cheating. In fact, absolutely bring up your other dating war stories as topics at lunchtime. It may raise his antennae that you're out there looking... and if he's interested in you, that may actually help sober him up.

    Just in case you threaded the needles and find (a) he's started sobering up and (b) he's interested in you, be prepared to have a series of dry dating ideas (no trips to the rock concert or the annual beer festival, e.g.) so the two of you can move beyond lunchtime.


    These are good ideas, but I do want to caution the OP that overcoming alcoholism takes a LONG time and a LOT of hard work. It is not your responsibility to hang onto someone who is having troubles like this, even as a friend. You can certainly help him out and hang out with him, but also remember that every second you spend with him is a second you could be improving your life or meeting new people. I'm not saying cut him out entirely... but really be careful you're not setting your hopes on the dream that he will improve himself. Also know that by sticking around and helping him, you could become a crutch that stops him from improving his life.

    It's the toughest balancing act in the world. Good luck.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 07, 2013 2:45 PM GMT
    sounds like a screenplay... icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    One more idea... offer to work out together. Not simply the gym -- find some trails, play some tennis or hoops, or go hiking. As long as there's just water in the water bottle, you could wind up refocusing your relationship with him into one centered on fitness. Afterwards, he can use his blender to make smoothies for you guys... instead of margaritas. More time out working out = Less time looking into the bottom of a bottle.
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    Feb 07, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    Dear OP:

    Do some research on Alcoholism and Self-destructive Behaviour. It also helps to open up to a loving friend or family member to actually talk to about your own personal issues of attraction. Yes a therapist is the best professional advice, but sometimes someone close who will simply listen helps start the process of our own self healing. First heal oneself, and then you will see clearly how to chose friends, help them and promote a healthy way of living. Good luck to you and your guy.
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    Feb 07, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    JerseyJames75 saidYou don't even know if he is gay, but you want to stop meeting other people? That is extreme from my perspective. You haven't even had a conversation if he is gay, you don't even know if he is attracted to you, but you want to stop meeting other people already? No. Do not do that. If he considered this cheating, I would consider him unstable and not a good partner. When I am dating someone and they try to stop me from meeting other people (simply for friendship) I think that they are jealous and unstable.

    Don't think of people as backups. Your interactions with each human being are unique and special. There are no better than, or worse than.

    You're drawn to an alcoholic. That says something about YOU! WHY are you drawn to someone like this? Ask yourself this before you commit to a mistake. You trying to "be there for him" is in fact harming him. He needs to grow strong and be independent on his own as a solid individual. You are not his therapist or doctor.
    Here's one potential scenario. What if he knows you are into him, and he is USING your emotions to control you? He gets to play coy while you pine after him and chase him. It might not be true... or it might be very true...


    Well I asked and he evaded the question. And then I asked again and there was a very uncomfortable 'I'm straight' as if he wasn't sure. And we never talk about women always guys he finds attractive so it's not like I'm entirely clueless.

    And I didn't know he was one when I met him.....well actually when I meant him he was drunk but I assumed it wasn't a usual think. I learned quickly it was but I still like him. It's only been in the past few days we've started talking 'in that way' but I've known he had a drinking problem for a while. But I have issues too and feel like maybe if I had someone to be better for I wouldn't be the mess I am.



    "You're drawn to an alcoholic. That says something about YOU! WHY are you drawn to someone like this? Ask yourself this before you commit to a mistake."

    We accept the love we think we deserve.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    You're getting into much more trouble than it is really worth, bud.

    1) Have some self-control. You don't even know if a guy is gay and yet you're worried about cheating on him? Beyond ridiculous. That's crazy-girl territory. Take hold of your thoughts and bring them back to reality.

    2) Being attracted to him because he's weak and broken sounds... predatory. You may want to ask yourself why you feel attracted to a weak-willed alcoholic. If you're trying to "save him" he will not appreciate it by falling in love with you. That's never how this story ends.

    3) In this day and age, if a guy is closeted then he is in the closet for a serious reason and you don't want to be tangled up in that mess when it breaks open.
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Feb 07, 2013 5:13 PM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    Amira saidWow you need help.


    Your comment is rude and adds no value to the conversation. Someone is asking for help. Leave.


    It was an honest opinion which he asked for. You must have not been around long enough, these topics he makes grows tired. There's really no other way to put it after so many insecure topics.

    The help he needs he just won't be able to find from an online forum, you can take that as rude but that's the truth since he constantly makes topics like this. The best advice that anyone here can give him is to seek out professional help.
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    Feb 07, 2013 5:37 PM GMT
    dayumm saidGo out of your way to take him to lunch (keep the lunch trips dry... as in no places that serve alcohol), on the same day every week.

    Do it for a few weeks, and allow him the opportunity to discuss his alcoholic issues (without you bringing it up). See if he's getting himself some help. If he's not, stay platonic. Maybe even offer him your designated driving skills.

    And no, it's not cheating. In fact, absolutely bring up your other dating war stories as topics at lunchtime. It may raise his antennae that you're out there looking... and if he's interested in you, that may actually help sober him up.

    Just in case you threaded the needles and find (a) he's started sobering up and (b) he's interested in you, be prepared to have a series of dry dating ideas (no trips to the rock concert or the annual beer festival, e.g.) so the two of you can move beyond lunchtime.


    That actually sounds like a good idea. I should try that. What if I actually took him out jogging and working out with me? That's something I like to do that I don't have to pay for and we could talk inbetween laps/sets.