Please just a moment of your time.

  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Feb 07, 2013 1:02 AM GMT
    I don't normally do this sort of thing but I've run out of options.

    Dear RJ Members,

    I am tired, at twenty one I am exhausted. Last year at the end of July I was kicked from my household and all family members except a close cousin in Canada, my grandmother (residing in Jamaica) and my brother and sister cut their ties with me. I was not the perfect son, at twenty one I was not making enough money, and I am positive my mother overheard a phone conversation where I professed my love for another man.

    For most of my life ever since my mother took me from my grandmother house in Jamaica I have lived in a verbally and physically abusive house. Moving to slow when it came to chores resulted in punishment. It was not a matter of when I got things finished it was how fast and how much I finished. The amount of times I was berated and called a useless nigger is countless. The amount of times I was punched, slapped, thrown into walls, beaten, harassed seemed endless. After I was kicked out of my home, a friend took me in, she did not ask for details, (she already knew I was gay but she did not know about the physical abuse.) I was to scared to tell anyone, in fact the weird thing was I thought it was normal.

    I went back to school mid august in an attempt to complete the next two years of my undergraduate program. Perhaps that was a dumb thing to do? I wanted my life to just continue like normal. My main problem was that most of my funds for school had been siphoned from my bank account by my mother. I had fourty dollars total to my name. Though after going to the school they assured me everything had already been set and paid for financially because of my loans and fafsa information.

    At the beginning of January I received a text message from my mother. In short she threatened to kill me and made sure to that I understood how disgusting as a human being I was. I couldn't figure out how to reply, so I was silent and a few days later I simply said thank you. A few weeks later I received another threat message from her once again assuring me that she would find and kill me. Because I resided close to the school I became nervous, I had given my little sister (11 years old) my address so she could convince my step father to take her to visit me. I was scared she had somehow gotten ahold of that information and I did not know what to do. My roommate (the same girl that rescued me) assured me she would not let her into the house under any circumstances. It did little to abate that fear I felt.

    Just this week another message from my mother telling me I needed to get my tax information from the school so she could place it on her taxes. The problem with this is that I am currently registered as a co-dependent student. I know that she will not give me the information I need in order to fill out my Fafsa form this year and I am hesitating to give her it. She called a day later I did not answer. She then texted me threatening me again and has given me until Feb 10.

    I tried to go to the financial office and register as an Independant student. They informed me I would have to be at least 24 before that could even happen. I told the head of the financial office my problem and he informed me that I would at least need some sort of police record and a decent amount of evidence in order to begin the filing for the status of being independent. (the police had visited my home because of altercations my brother had gotten into with my parents, and he had even told them they had been abusive but my mother told the police he had mental problems and was seeing an anger management therapist. In short she made him seem crazy.

    I was silent, and took whatever abuse came my way so the police never came on my account. All I have is the text messages of her threatening to kill me.They informed me I would also need an outside source to notarize a letter explaining that myself and my parents are not on good terms. I have tried to think through this but the director informed me that if my case was not strong enough nothing would happen. He said I would have to swallow my pride and give her the information she is asking for. I know what kind of person I am dealing with, I know once I give her the tax information I should expect more threats because she knows she can use it and push me into a corner.

    I have decided to try and fight, despite the lack of police report. Though I have already decided if I lose I will most likely have to drop out of school until I am at the age where I can file under my financial aid as an independent student. Am I making the right choice? I am beginning to doubt myself because I fear interacting with her in any way. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep thinking it will be fine, and that it gets better but I can only see the rope she's trying to pull around my neck wrapping tighter. Just please give me some advice, I can't think anymore....I don't want to think anymore...

    Chad

  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 07, 2013 2:33 AM GMT
    First, be happy to be alive and working on your education. Also that you had such a wonderful friend that brought you in. From here on out, count your blessings. Even though they may seem unimportant right now, they can really add up.

    It sucks that you still have to depend on your mother for some things, especially when she is as awful as she is. Until you don't need her anymore, you will have to deal with it.

    She will not kill you. If she wanted to she would have done it by now. If I had to make a guess, I would say she is just trying to control you. Since she is losing that control, her words are becoming more intense and painful to weaken you so you will come back to her. Don't give in.

    When I get flustered and have way too much on my plate, I make a list. Write your problems down and figure out how you are going to take care of them and when. Put the most important at the top and the least at the bottom.

    See if there is a counselor or some counseling service at your school where you can talk to someone. Don't see it as a means of admitting defeat, they are just people to talk to and are great and educated in problem solving and helping you figure your problems out. Everything is better when you can talk it out.

    Everything will be ok. One step at a time.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:38 AM GMT
    Have you tried filing a special circumstances form for Financial Aid? I would speak to a counselor at your college about this and what terrible people your family is, not conducive to a young student. It pains me to hear that family treats their own in such a way, just for being different.

    You have courage so go forth and be your own man and you may have to abandon that "Family" I use the term loosely since they treat you so terribly. I suggest you leave those toxic people behind, even family can be detrimental to you.

    Good luck and do not forget your RJ support family!

    Noé
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Feb 07, 2013 3:18 AM GMT
    @MidwesternKid thank you, I try to count my blessings each day but there are some days when it does get dark and I can't see much of anything in regards to the future. I have been meeting with a councilor since November but have yet to update her on this current situation.

    @Bustamante Thank you Noe. I did talk to the financial adviser about filing a special circumstance case. He informed me I would still have to present a bit of evidence that my relationship with my family is not that great. I asked my roommate to write a letter and get it notarized though that may not be enough. He explained to me that if I did manage to win my case I would not have to present my parents financial information which I am hoping will be the scenario.

    I'm still concerned about the deadline, and it worries me. Should I simply give her the tax information and then try to start building my case or should I avoid that route and just start now?

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    Feb 07, 2013 3:21 AM GMT
    Be sure and save those texts from your Mother, anything that damaging deserves to be saved and printed out for your benefit at school. I do recommend distancing yourself from your family for a good long while.
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    Feb 07, 2013 3:27 AM GMT
    Ugh. That is all awful, but you ARE moving in the right direction. As far as the tax stuff goes, talk to a counselor, as none of us have all the info to advise you on that. If it were me, I would say fuckit, but I don't know the details of your situation. We all get kicked out of nest, but this is extreme. I agree with above, continue to put as much distance as possible between anyone who is a threat to you.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 07, 2013 4:10 AM GMT
    This kind of thing requires special counseling and guidance, far more than can be gained from a forum. My advice is to seek it out through your school. Hopefully something along those lines will be available to you. If you have evidence of death threats from your mother you should at the very least make sure the proper authorities knows about them. Even if she isn't serious, she needs to be made aware that such threats can be taken VERY seriously by legal authorities.

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. As someone who grew up in an emotional abusive home, I feel for you. Sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, though, and with in time you'll be doing better on your own. Until then, hang in there and get all the support you can from friends and from your school.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 07, 2013 4:41 AM GMT
    Kriss, you need to contact a staff member at your school. It could be faculty adviser, dean of students, chaplain, health center psychological counseling staff or such. Sit down with that person right away and tell them you need help and need it fast.

    In the meantime, contact the police and get a restraining order against your mother. If you can, stay with a friend away from your school address.

    You are under too much stress to deal with this completely by yourself. There is help close by. Hang in there.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Feb 07, 2013 6:06 AM GMT
    I am so angry and full of compassion for you. Let professional counselors be your guide. The siphoned money can surely be traced and may be considered a crime. In which case, an offered amnesty for that crime may be the leverage you need to be rid of her for good.

    Don't let any of these people back into your life until you are fully secure, emotionally and financially. Make a new family for yourself, as so many gay men do. A family of your choosing, not the horrible people you were born with.

    I am really sorry for what you are going through.
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    Feb 07, 2013 7:26 AM GMT
    First of all, I'd like to say how sorry I am that you are in such a horrible situation Kriss.

    Secondly, I think you are making the right decision in trying to fight back. My situation was not as bad as yours, but I can tell you from experience that being backed into a corner makes you feel horrible. Fighting back is hard, but someday you will look back and have no regrets knowing you tried to fight back.

    If you can't prove your situation (And based on the information it sounds like you can't) then I believe your best option would be to drop out of school for now. However, I still think you should at least talk to the police about the texts she sent you and anything else you could prove. Then spend the next few years getting a job and doing everything you can to cut all ties with your mother. Make sure she doesn't have access to your money any more.

    Unfortunately no matter what happens it's gonna be rough for awhile, but I wish you the best.
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    Feb 07, 2013 8:01 AM GMT
    I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. I'm not sure what advice I can offer. Explore your options and see what you can do. It wouldn't be the end of the world if you had to drop out of school for a while and go back later when you can afford it. In the mean time, maybe you can find a job to support yourself and not be dependent on other people. Good luck. It will be tough, but you will make it through this.
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    Feb 07, 2013 8:06 AM GMT
    If you haven't deleted the text messages, you should be able to show them to the police and at least claim harassment for those. That should help you build a case so you can fill out an independent FAFSA.

    Also, I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. It is a true testament of your character that you are working to rise above your past and make a better life for yourself. Best of luck to you.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Feb 07, 2013 8:25 AM GMT
    Let me also add my sympathies and best wishes to you. I can't say what you *should* do, but were I in your situation, I would do whatever I needed to do to cut ties with your mother. She's not a healthy or reliable source of anything but misery. Life is too short to live in dependency of hatred and fear; surround yourself with positive and uplifting people. If it means leaving school for a while and stabilizing your situation, that's not the end of the world. Be sure to speak to your school if that's the route you decide to take to ensure you can resume once you're ready. Also, check to see if there are any FAFSA advisors you can talk to about your situation—I know bureaucracy is supposed to be impersonal and obtuse, but government is still managed by people, and they may be able to help you.

    As someone else said, you may also be able to get a restraining order on your mother based on her text messages.

    Talk about putting things into perspective... here I was about to whine about loosing too much weight, taking so much for granted...

    Best of luck to you. Sending hugs your way.
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    Feb 07, 2013 8:26 AM GMT
    Special Circumstances needs to be filed with your School. Also, if you can show you have been living on your own being support by someone else say your roommate or whomever... screw your mom. Technically speaking, only the person whom has been providing support for you for more than 1/2 the year can claim you. If your friend rescued you... your hers to claim. Call the Omsbudsman at the Department of Ed for Student Aid. They should be able to assist you. The rule that you have to be 24 is true however that can be over rid by your FA admin at your school depending on certain circumstances.
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    Feb 07, 2013 9:01 AM GMT
    Chad,

    I can't help with advice as I don't know what support is available to you, however:

    Keep at it, you have rights and deserve better. It is not you with the problem.

    Andrew.
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    Feb 07, 2013 3:41 PM GMT
    I won't tell you to be thankful you're alive. It's a shitty situation, and I'm sorry about it and your hard childhood. *hug*

    I'm not impressed with this director who basically just told you to give up. There are people out there who will care and try to help, and there are people who just don't want to deal with it. I agree with the others who have suggested talking to a social worker/school counsellor. Not only do they have contacts and know how to help you get to the next step, they also are people who can vouch for you once you explain everything to them. Keep looking until you find caring people.

    Do keep your texts, emails. If you have an mp3 player that can record audio, or even a decent computer mic, hold it up to the phone if you talk to her. Gathering evidence will empower you, even if you never use it. The only power she has is that police can't hear what she's saying to you, but it is completely illegal to threaten to kill someone, even if she's bluffing.

    Feel free to post here to vent the fears and anxieties that rise as they do.
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Feb 08, 2013 4:28 AM GMT
    I want to thank everyone for their support, and for all the members that took the time out their day to email me with words of encouragement. Though the situation has become a bit more stable I plan on fighting. Today I spoke with my financial adviser, and a friend is currently instructing me how to print text messages.

    I am working on my case it may not be enough evidence to get me legally listed as an independent student but I am going to fight until this option is dried up , I want her out my life and I want to finish school. They already informed me that if my evidence is not concrete enough to solidify my case I would have to seek other methods and ways of attending school. I also informed my councilor (a woman I have been talking to since November) about my situation.

    She said she will be willing to help and even too write a notarized letter. I want to thank everyone again. The constant barrage from my mother left me in an unstable mental state and I had a moment of weakness that scared me. I'm trying to open more to the people I care about but at the same time it's hard. I'm just appreciative for all the support from here and those close to me. Thank you again.