Where do you feel you should be after 2 years of moving to a city?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2013 3:26 AM GMT
    Wasn't sure where to post this either here or in the travel forum...but here seems appropiate. My lease is nearing an end and I've been reflecting on everything and wondering if it's worth staying

    So here's my story: 2 years ago I relocated to Denver. In those 2 years I've met and dated people here and there and made friends with guys here and there...but so far non of them have been really close. It's like we'll see each other when we're out but that's about it. Or things go well the 1st couple dates but doesn't go beyond that. Or they just aren't compatible with my level of fitness, and seem to have little interest in getting into it.

    The other night I went out to the bar for SuperBowl sunday alone, but within a few moments I had a bunch of people hanging out with me who I recognized...but no one invited me out that night! One guy I met a couple times now texted me to say "hi" and said he was going to a super bowl party later that night but didn't even extend an invitation even when I hinted I was open to going. 2 of my friends have become so conceited and self-absorbed the past few months and do drugs every weekend. All they care about is what works for them and meeting them when and where it's convenient for them. I also notice that many guys who have befriended me in this town, try to subtley prevent me from really meeting anyone compatible namely someone outside of my race. For example, 2 friends of mine occasionally did things to drive away people who showed interest in me and wouldn't 'set me up' with people they knew were interested in me. Or they'll do stuff like make me choose between hanging out with them all night or if not they'd make plans with other guys and not include me in it ...everytime we hang out it has to just be us 2. Networking is one of the #1 ways people meet their partners. Not Grindr. Not Jack'd up.

    I'm just thinking to myself this just isn't right. 2 years and still can't get invited to a friggin super bowl party or any party on the weekend? What's worse is people tell me about these things and then don't invite. After 2 years...I feel I should have a regular group of friends I see every weekend and people in my life that are potential dating material.

    The issue is, I just don't see anywhere else in this country to really relocate to. I've been reseaching/visiting alot. California and the northeast don't seem like affordable options for someone barely out of college living alone with a vehicle, i did Florida/Texas/The South already...thought about Minneapolis or Great Lakes but seemed kinda 'bland' after a few trips...I hate where I'm at but haven't a clue where else to go icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2013 12:00 PM GMT
    2 years is a good time to reassess your living situation. I moved to Perth from Melbourne for exactly 2 years and then just like I decided it was time to move back. It was great for me career wise, but socially I wasn't getting anywhere. It's different from everybody but it was either could I see myself here forever and if not, where was the next best option.
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    Feb 07, 2013 12:21 PM GMT
    If those are your friends, you are entitled to reevaluate your relationship with them. Tell them how you feel. If no changes result from such, drop them. Lovers, friends, or acquaintances should hold no such reign over your life. It pains me that you have let two years waste away over this. I say so because as you mentioned above, not only have they prevented you from meeting potential friends, this has prevented you from networking. For someone fresh out of college, this is a huge blow to you socially and career wise. Please heed my advice and the ones of fellow RJ members. You have complete power and control over this situation regardless of where you live.

    As for meeting guys, the only remaining constant in the aforementioned meetups is you. Talk to people you trust, get advice from others who have been in your shoes. Find out what you may be doing consciously, or subconsciously that give undesirable dating results. Trust me, you're a gorgeous guy. Reevaluate yourself and the shady acquaintances you've picked up. Change what needs to be changed. Keep friends that you want to keep. Drop those that cause you nothing but harm. Don't wait another minute!
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    Feb 07, 2013 12:28 PM GMT
    After 2 years, it's not going to help where you move because the problem isn't Denver or drugs or conceited guys, every mid-sized city has those. The problem is you.
    When I have moved I have made new connections with fellow runners, cyclists and people who like to cook healthy food. I have never met a friend in my adult life at a bar. I have never met a friend via an app or hookup site (not that you mention that) but if you want quality good friends, you might want to look in the places where you do the quality, healthy,good things that you value.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:24 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25
    Yada yada yada I also notice that many guys who have befriended me in this town, try to subtley prevent me from really meeting anyone compatible namely someone outside of my race.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:29 PM GMT
    Throw your own parties. Invite people. See what happens.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:32 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidI also notice that many guys who have befriended me in this town, try to ((subtly)) prevent me from really meeting anyone compatible namely someone outside of my race.


    icon_neutral.gif

    Egads.
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    Feb 07, 2013 2:54 PM GMT
    Meeting people in a city can be tricky. You really do have to do your research and pair your interests with what the city has to offer before deciding to move. If you aren't into the outdoorsy-cycling-floating on the lake-hiking-skiing-dog park-indie music-ultimate frisbee scene that Denver and other similar cities have going for them, you might find yourself being in the minority (in more ways than one) Nothing is preventing you from picking up those interests if you already haven't. Nor am I suggesting that you have to do those things to make friends. Denver is a terrific sports town so you could very easily join a Broncos, Avalanche, Rockies, or Nuggets fan group and be on your way. I visited my buddy out there who lives behind Coors field and I fell in love, but that cold weather is another story....

    Another thing is to invite people out to do stuff with you and do so with open invites. "Hey wanna grab lunch Sat?", "Want to have dinner Friday?" Do you have coworkers you could invite out? Friendships are built by showing people that you enjoy their company, regardless of the environment. Sometimes, us independent guys unintentionally send out vibes that we're so self-sufficient that others aren't really needed or are that others are welcomed only under certain situations. People will always remember how you make them feel. So make them feel wanted. And don't get pissy with them when they say no. It doesn't mean you can't still hang out in the future when the timing works for all parties.

    Lastly, you can totally meet friends at a bar but maybe pick a bar & grill and make friends with the bartender. Or better yet, become a bartender and put your networking skills to good use. Good luck.
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    Feb 07, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    Time to think about the pond you're fishing in and I don't think that necessarily means that the right pond isn't in Denver. Reassess yourself, your approach and what you're looking for and then reassess where you're fishing. People are people and, for the most part, they're the same in every large city, relocating isn't going to change that. Look inside, not outside.
  • Destinharbor

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    Feb 07, 2013 4:39 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidAfter 2 years, it's not going to help where you move because the problem isn't Denver or drugs or conceited guys, every mid-sized city has those. The problem is you.
    When I have moved I have made new connections with fellow runners, cyclists and people who like to cook healthy food. I have never met a friend in my adult life at a bar. I have never met a friend via an app or hookup site (not that you mention that) but if you want quality good friends, you might want to look in the places where you do the quality, healthy,good things that you value.

    This is right. But you also need to look inward. You just wrote an endless list of all the mean stuff all those mean people keep doing to you. You present yourself as a victim of some terrible conspiracy by everyone you've ever met to make your life lonely and miserable. It isn't the town, its your attitude. So change your pattern of behavior, start being upbeat about things that interest you, be inquisitive about things that others are interested in, find groups who have similar interests and for God's sake, stop whining. Sorry, mate, but you need to take charge of your life and moving won't fix that. I've lived in big cities and backward small towns, North and South, and have found good people in all of them and fun things to do. Shake off your depression.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    Hah. It sounds like you've met some gay guys. Pretty much the same group that you would find anywhere.
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    Feb 07, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    smartmoney saidAfter 2 years, it's not going to help where you move because the problem isn't Denver or drugs or conceited guys, every mid-sized city has those. The problem is you.
    When I have moved I have made new connections with fellow runners, cyclists and people who like to cook healthy food. I have never met a friend in my adult life at a bar. I have never met a friend via an app or hookup site (not that you mention that) but if you want quality good friends, you might want to look in the places where you do the quality, healthy,good things that you value.

    This is right. But you also need to look inward. You just wrote an endless list of all the mean stuff all those mean people keep doing to you. You present yourself as a victim of some terrible conspiracy by everyone you've ever met to make your life lonely and miserable. It isn't the town, its your attitude. So change your pattern of behavior, start being upbeat about things that interest you, be inquisitive about things that others are interested in, find groups who have similar interests and for God's sake, stop whining. Sorry, mate, but you need to take charge of your life and moving won't fix that. I've lived in big cities and backward small towns, North and South, and have found good people in all of them and fun things to do. Shake off your depression.


    This is sound advice, and just to amplify on it - I've done some moves in the past and I've met good people by joining groups I like - - - my alumni association is one. I met people over time at my gym. I joined the historical society. I joined a Rotary club. By going to meetings and events - while doing the activities you like to do, you meet guys who are into what you're into. Last thing: Moving to a new city or changing geography doesn't help, because wherever you go - there you are!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2013 6:39 PM GMT
    I moved to San Fran with no friends in 89 pre Internet and within one week had a strong circle of friends that I have to this day. You have to be open to making friends and put yourself out there.

    In general I feel that when you're in your 20's you should put yourself in an urban setting full of people your age that you can walk out your door and run in to....don't worry about funds....there are always ways to limit your expenses...

    You're young, have fun and expand your interests via new friends...don't play a sport, find someone who can introduce u to it....join a team sport (softball, tennis, running, shooting pool, bowling)...instant friends....also don't limit yourself to gay only groups...

    Also there are writing/book clubs/artist clubs that can fuel your mental interests..

    Cities with fun active downtown urban settings that come to mind...

    SF, LA, NYC, Philly, Boston, DC, Dallas, ATL, Seattle

    Good luck and if you wanna tour guide of the bay area, hit me up!
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Feb 07, 2013 6:41 PM GMT
    I agree with the sentiment here. You're not the victim. There are friends that you see out and about, casual acquaintances, and there are friends that you actually hang out with. These friends have obviously not mentally graduated to the next level. If you want that level of friendship with them you need to make it happen.

    Have you ever asked them to hang out, or go grab a bite to eat, or go see a movie? Honestly, it sounds like you are expecting a lot and have demanding requirements of your friends and that's not what it should be.

    Relocating won't solve your problems. Denver is a big city with a diverse population. You need to stop blaming other people and the city you live in and look at your own behavior.
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    Feb 07, 2013 8:53 PM GMT
    No where but myself.

    I've moved a few times. I always found myself very unhappy with everyone else or the location. The self never likes to admit its own faults.

    Then I met a few people (not in a bar) that ran their lives in a way I wanted. My way didn't work anymore. I started to see and love myself for my faults and virtues. Through the monotony, not chaos, I saw my problems as trivial but humorous. I was just chasing the same unhealthy relationship over and over. I saw that location had nothing to do with my happiness, and my happiness cannot be dependent on others.

    I'm about to move again soon-- I'm scared out of my mind, but one thing is different; I'm not afraid to take myself with me this time.

  • beaujangle

    Posts: 1701

    Feb 07, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    SpikeyAidan said2 years is a good time to reassess your living situation. I moved to Perth from Melbourne for exactly 2 years and then just like I decided it was time to move back. It was great for me career wise, but socially I wasn't getting anywhere. It's different from everybody but it was either could I see myself here forever and if not, where was the next best option.


    Ah, I was in Perth for 1 year and I left; yeah socially I wasn't getting anywhere either; something about the city?
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Feb 07, 2013 9:45 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidAfter 2 years, it's not going to help where you move because the problem isn't Denver or drugs or conceited guys, every mid-sized city has those. The problem is you.
    When I have moved I have made new connections with fellow runners, cyclists and people who like to cook healthy food. I have never met a friend in my adult life at a bar. I have never met a friend via an app or hookup site (not that you mention that) but if you want quality good friends, you might want to look in the places where you do the quality, healthy,good things that you value.


    I will have to agree with you 100% on this. I've been in LA for 6 months now and I have found some great friends that I can say are positive for my life. I stay away from the internet when it comes to making new friends and such.

    I really think you should figure out what you love to do most and start going to places/doing activities that host them and network there.

    If you hate the city move away, start somewhere new and start doing what makes you happy. I promise your life will be so much better for it.
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    Feb 07, 2013 10:00 PM GMT
    beaujangle said

    Ah, I was in Perth for 1 year and I left; yeah socially I wasn't getting anywhere either; something about the city?

    What's with Perth? I know a guy here who moved back to Spain after living in Sydney for 4 year and then last year in Perth.
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    Feb 07, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    I feel your pain. After almost 5 yrs in Atlanta, I've had enough. No close or real friends, gays are rather unfriendly and it's very cliquish. Not to mention I'm not too fond of the lifestyle. I wouldn't say the problem is you, as someone else suggested. I've moved all over the world in the last 10 years and I've never had any issues meeting people or making friends.
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    Feb 07, 2013 10:25 PM GMT
    Denver is great but seems the guys you've been hanging with no so much. Hobby Groups > Bar Scene
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    Feb 07, 2013 10:25 PM GMT
    dayumm saidThrow your own parties. Invite people. See what happens.


    Good advice. So many wait for others to make the first move. Grab the bull by the balls and hold on for a hellava ride.

    Smartmoney gave great advice too.
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    Feb 07, 2013 11:11 PM GMT
    I was cock blocked by a 2 year relationship. I found a partner just after I moved to SF 2 years ago . I feel pretty much the same as you In that I thought i would have some friends by now. If you don't do drugs you are kinda out on your own or hanging out with out of shape republican accountants . I am not complaining tho cus I actually got an invite to a Super Bowl party and jumped on it , not gay though but I went with a gay guy .
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Feb 08, 2013 1:13 AM GMT
    Do you not shower every day? Do you have turrets? You're leaving out details about yourself that can help us help you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2013 1:29 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidWhere do you feel you should be after 2 years of moving to a city?
    At work.
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    Feb 08, 2013 4:14 AM GMT
    Jockbod48
    Moving to a new city or changing geography doesn't help, because wherever you go - there you are!

    Moving can make a difference. It doesn't have to but it definitely can make a difference for better or for worse.

    http://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Astro-Graphy-Contemporary-Astrology/dp/0140195122

    There is a big difference between living under a Venus line and living under a Saturn line.