Is it a rule that as a gay guy you wish to look like the guys you are attracted to?

  • Obireon

    Posts: 5

    Feb 09, 2013 12:09 PM GMT
    I am extremely attracted to the man I live with. He is a very masculine, naturally well built, hairy guy.

    I am not and I suffer from a "ugly duckling syndrome". Therefore while I consider myself very lucky to go to bed and awake with this guy, he is also a strange and constant reminder of how frustrating it is not to look like him. Sometimes I feel I want more to be like him than I want him :-)

    I introduced him to things like grindr, scruff and he is very popular there, constantly reveiving messages. I openned one profile there and it's like I'm invisible :-) he says the other guys don't know what their loosing :-)

    To make things worse, or maybe because of all these I have been having this fantasies of seeing him with another guy, which he is not to keen on and to tell the truth, I too believe it should stay in the realm of fantasies.

    Any new perspective on how to look at things differently is very welcome.
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    Feb 09, 2013 12:29 PM GMT
    What he says is right "other guys don't know what their loosing"
    many people often look for external features...& many relations fail to continue because of this...

    Compare yourself with
    honest people, not with good looking people
    morally superior people, not with "use & throw" type of guys
    How rich their heart is, not how rich their background is...
    How much happy for who they are, not happy for what they have...
    etc.,.

    If you look at the world through the above mentioned lens, then beauty is no matter to you! &
    people who know you will love you more & people who are acquainted with you will want to know more about you!
  • Obireon

    Posts: 5

    Feb 09, 2013 12:39 PM GMT
    I am a very self confident guy on the points you mentioned. But I'm an animal too :-) I envy his looks. Envy is a bad thing to live with and I am looking to find a simple new way of looking at things.
  • Obireon

    Posts: 5

    Feb 09, 2013 12:44 PM GMT
    By the way, envy is a feeling I am not used to deal with, so maybe that's why I was taken by surprise when I found out I was feeling this way and the consequences it was causing.

    Then I thought, this is not an issue for straight couples, but maybe it's common for gay ones?
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    Feb 09, 2013 1:00 PM GMT
    Obireon saidI am a very self confident guy on the points you mentioned. But I'm an animal too :-) I envy his looks. Envy is a bad thing to live with and I am looking to find a simple new way of looking at things.


    What's envy...but comparing yourself with others & being resentful for things you lack...you're comparing beauty...& beauty brings artificial behavior...

    You are an animal, but you are also a human & only humans have the ability to control their emotions, no other species can...
    So, since you have the ability & potential to control negative thoughts.....suppress them...
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    Feb 09, 2013 1:03 PM GMT
    Obireon saidBy the way, envy is a feeling I am not used to deal with, so maybe that's why I was taken by surprise when I found out I was feeling this way and the consequences it was causing.

    Then I thought, this is not an issue for straight couples, but maybe it's common for gay ones?



    It's common in straight couples too...
    common for Gay couples? I don't think so...or may be! I don't know...but
    Most envious people in terms of gender are women!
  • Obireon

    Posts: 5

    Feb 09, 2013 1:36 PM GMT
    I guess you're right. It's nothing that 10 minutes of meditation a day won't cure :-)

    Thanks for the replies.
  • TonyD

    Posts: 168

    Feb 09, 2013 1:58 PM GMT
    You are an animal, but you are also a human & only humans have the ability to control their emotions, no other species can...
    So, since you have the ability & potential to control negative thoughts.....suppress them...[/quote]



    That's it? Just suppress the negative thoughts?
    You can learn from the thoughts, if properly guided.
    The thoughts are there for a reason and trying to just turn them off is a futile exercise that can cause other damage.
    You're human, not s robot.

    There's a song in the musical 'The Book of Mormon'
    about this...
    It's called 'turn It off'
    Hysterical,
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:00 PM GMT
    I am trying to look muscly but I am not especially attracted to muscly guys
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:05 PM GMT
    I wanna look like the Guy who can pick up the check and has the keys to the Rolls.
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:23 PM GMT
    @TonyD


    By suppressing, I didn't meant to "turn it off" like On/Off switch
    If that can really happen....the world will be a better today! isn't it?
    What I meant is to control his emotions...rather than letting emotions controlling him!
    It's little hard at the beginning , but it isn't impossible!
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:30 PM GMT
    there are some types of guys I know I could look like them, when I see them I envy them, because I haven't got there yet, living with them would probably make me feel very insecure

    but still, I would be thankful that I've got somebody who I can love and they love me, I suggest you talk to him about your feelings
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Feb 09, 2013 2:32 PM GMT
    First of all, many of us do want to look like the blokes we're attracted to. I'm attracted to stockier, broader men than I am, and as much as I wish that I were a muscle god, it's not something I'll ever be with my body type. Doesn't mean I don't look at broad shoulders with envy.

    Secondly, it is a sad truth in life that some are just perceived to be more attractive than others. Having a hot flatmate doesn't mean you're ugly. He's just blessed. The same way some other people are blessed with making money out of thin air or a natural understanding of the world around them. We can gripe about the things we don't find attractive about ourselves, or we can work to improve the things we do.

    Third, the man himself has said that these Grindr lads don't know what they're missing. If you admire him so much, I'd take it to heart.
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:33 PM GMT
    I think i'd like to look like the ideal guy im attracted too, but the reality is im attracted to all different types of guys.
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:52 PM GMT
    I'm going to leave the whole envy and human condition topic alone. I will however say that I've been that ugly duckling, and often tease that I never grew out of it. I however seek to improve myself, Looking to be a stronger bigger guy, my taste in men however varies from bearish men, muscled guys, and a few skinny twinks haha! But really the things that are crucial in the person is his character, who he is, his ambitions, how he treats others, himself, and you.

    I was actually speaking with my coworker last night upon the issue. She finds the beach boys very attractive, but their character as lacking as they tend to be very egotistical and douchey.

    So really, just be an active guy seeking to improve yourself and help other people. Others will be drawn to you. As for your mate, discover what draws people to him and try to reflect those aspects in yourself. This is what I've done with all the people I've admired and looked up to in my life, it works haha!

    Oh yeah, confidence is sexy, arrogance is not.
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    Feb 09, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    People do what they CAN do, not necessarily what they WANT to do. Usually the best people can attract is someone like themselves. This, along with identification based on similarity, may explain why there are so many "clone couples".

    As you have noticed, your partner is indeed a very sought-after type and it's natural that you feel insecure when there are others like you who would like a partner like yours but are not as fortunate. Being lucky has its down side too because you may feel like your happiness is hanging by a thread. What if it all ended? Would you take part in the tense pecking order struggle? You can go crazy ruminating these negative thoughts.

    What I would do in your place? Ignore how the "outside world" ranks you and your partner. If he likes you nothing else matters. Enjoy your relationship for what it is and that your partner likes you for who you are.
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    Feb 09, 2013 3:11 PM GMT
    scottsiple7 saidI'm going to leave the whole envy and human condition topic alone. I will however say that I've been that ugly duckling, and often tease that I never grew out of it. I however seek to improve myself, Looking to be a stronger bigger guy, my taste in men however varies from bearish men, muscled guys, and a few skinny twinks haha! But really the things that are crucial in the person is his character, who he is, his ambitions, how he treats others, himself, and you.

    I was actually speaking with my coworker last night upon the issue. She finds the beach boys very attractive, but their character as lacking as they tend to be very egotistical and douchey.

    So really, just be an active guy seeking to improve yourself and help other people. Others will be drawn to you. As for your mate, discover what draws people to him and try to reflect them in yourself. This is what I've done with all the people I've admired and looked up to in my life, it works haha!

    Oh yeah, confidence is sexy, arrogance is not.


    this
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    Feb 09, 2013 3:30 PM GMT
    If you like him, then why on earth would you introduce him to grindr and scruff?
  • Obireon

    Posts: 5

    Feb 09, 2013 4:37 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies. Lots to think about.

    I introduced him to grindr and such because I wanted to watch him having sex with another guy: I got into that fantasy recently. He's not much into the idea, but says he'll do it if I really want it.

    But I know nothing good would come out of it, so I gave up the idea of making it happen. Now he enjoys the online flirting and flattery, but that's it.

    But this whole thing got me questioning why the hell do I want to watch him having sex with another guy?

    Part of the answer is simple: voyeurism.

    But I know there's more to it.

    I recently left him, because I lost respect for him in many ways and after he insisted countless times, we got back together.

    Being in my 40's (but never looked better in my opinion), having a low physical self-esteem since I was a kid and with the prospect of getting back to a life of meaningless sex and high health risk, made the scales tip to giving it another try. I live in a small island for many years now and I know that the chances of finding someone for a relationship are minimal here.

    So, I maybe I'm wanting to get rid of him, although I'm as attracted to him as the first day I met him. And this grindr thing doesn't make me jealous, makes me envious icon_smile.gif Need a shrink.
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    Feb 09, 2013 4:42 PM GMT
    If I was looking like my partner, he would not have sexual interest in me.
    If he was looking like me, I could not get it up in bed.

    So I'm not sure it's curse, at least for me, to be turned on only by guys with a different physical type.

    Sure, it would be fun to be turned on by my own body, and have countless wank in front of the mirror, but somehow, I enjoy better sex with someone else than the mirror.
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    Feb 10, 2013 12:17 AM GMT
    You are all over the place with this thread! First you said you like this guy, then you said you want to be like him and lastly, you want to see him fuck another guy.

    What do YOU ultimately want? If you can't answer this question, then you do need to seek professional help!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 10, 2013 12:28 AM GMT
    there are guys I'm attracted to that I wish I looked like

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    Feb 10, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    This is one confusing and weird thread.
    OP envies his partner, wants his partner to have sex with some other guy, he dumps him, loses all respect for his partner and finally gets back together.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Phew!! One hell of a story.
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    Feb 10, 2013 4:52 AM GMT
    @ Obireon

    What? You've changed the topic in your last post from envy to voyeurism & breakup!
    now, I lost your track completely...icon_confused.gif

    anyway, wish you all the best to recover from...whatever that's troubling you!
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Feb 10, 2013 4:55 AM GMT
    Cash saidI wanna look like the Guy who can pick up the check and has the keys to the Rolls.


    ^^