Fair Weathered Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2013 3:57 AM GMT

    Damn, it seems like friends are hard work.

    A couple of my buddies are always game when I invite them for an outing, or activity, like sailing, drinking at the club, and dinners out, knowing I will pay. And casual Saturday cycling.

    Currently I am pursuing an ambitious BucketList goal, (ok I'll say it Ironman)
    Yes, I know it deviates from a casual weekend activity. And I'm ok with them not sharing the triathlon passion.
    But my buddies don't call or message to check on me. I send messages and get brief good luck, responses. Additionally, one of them has started dating someone. Which I completely support.

    The question becomes: Do I just wait for the completion of my goal to reconnect, or accept the time we spent together has passed?

    Seems to me a good friend would want to be at the finish line with me....?
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    Feb 10, 2013 5:00 AM GMT

    Well, good friends are like stars; you don't always see them but they're still there. icon_wink.gif

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    Feb 10, 2013 6:17 AM GMT
    Unless you have a really homogenous life, friends are going to be somewhat compartmentalized.

    My hometown beer-drinking friends are a completely different bunch than my sailing or diving friends. And my gay nightlife friends are yet a different bunch. I've tried to get some of them to cross over, but it never happens.

    "Yeah, you just call me up when you're finished with that, dude."
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 10, 2013 6:57 AM GMT
    Sometime good friends find new friends and don't have time for old friends ... that's the way life goes ... time to find new friends
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    Feb 10, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    Friends have their own lives.

    Speaking from very limited personal experience, friends put their own self interest first and then your wants/needs come in a distant second. I cherish my few friends but there have been times when I really needed them and they weren't there.

    Good luck with your goals.

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    Feb 10, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    Over the years, the meaning of friend has changed a lot...

    What people call 'friend' few decades ago now they call as 'best friend'...
    Times have changed...Now a days, people call even an acquainted person as a friend....

    as the usage of the word has more widened & lost its real meaning, people also find it difficult to understand what a friend is & often gets disappointed to imagine other person as friend & in return doesn't get treated as one!

    understanding the real meaning of friend is very important!

    So, ask yourself these questions...
    are they treating you as a friend? or just making use of you?
    How they are treating their friends?
    Do they show any interest in you? because friends always shows interest in each other!
    etc.,.
    you may find an answer all by yourself!
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    Feb 10, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    I have a handful of close friends which i left behind moving back to Toronto. But we always let each other know that we're in each other thoughts.


    Just do your thing. You'll probably will meet and develop a new set of friends.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Feb 10, 2013 4:58 PM GMT
    Ditto to the compartmentalization of some friend groups.

    It's great to feel good about being able to pick up the tab from time to time. However, what I hear in your post is that you might resent that some of your friends seems to hang out when you are picking up the bill. Invite those friends on several dutch treat night (every pays their way) and see who shows.

    You deserve to know that friends are attracted to spending time with you with or without your wallet open.
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    Feb 10, 2013 5:00 PM GMT
    So....for whom do you pursue your Ironman ambition?...is it for you or for them? Chasing a dream is not easy and it has costs. Not everyone will agree with the dream and only you know what you are willing to sacrifice to achieve the dream...If it was easy, and everyone could do it, would the dream still be as noble and worthy?
    Friends come in and out of life, sometimes a number of times....and once in a while, try going out with your friends, "dutch...everyone pays their own way, otherwise, its them using you.icon_biggrin.gif GOOD LUCK on the Triathlon!
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    Feb 10, 2013 5:00 PM GMT
    Nowadays the word friends doesn't have the same meaning than years ago . To me in life , you have acquaintances ( workmates , gymnmates sportmates ,neighbours etc ...) and you have FRIENDS , the one that are here for you when you are in need , the one(s) that sticks with you thru good and bad times , you all know what i am trying to say ...lol...
    I have a lot of acquaintances , but only 3 friends ....icon_biggrin.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 10, 2013 5:16 PM GMT
    Over the course of my long lifetime I've had a LOT of people I called "friends"... people I was friendly with. However, the vast majority of them are really just good acquaintances and over the years they've cycled in and out of my life. However, I do have, oh I'd say about a dozen REAL friends, many I've known most of my adult life. We're THERE for one another through thick and thin. We don't always stay in close contact (some do) but even the ones that don't, it doesn't matter. When we connect, we're as close as ever. Just seems to be how it works.
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    Feb 10, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    First off, congratulations on your Ironman ambition, and best of luck with that.

    It could be that your friends just don't share your passion for that particular endeavor. I have friends that we just go out to a bar, do karaoke, shoot the breeze, etc. and don't get serious. We don't really talk about the news, public policy, books I'm reading etc., and unfortunately as those become bigger interests of mine, we just have less to talk about, but I still love them just the same. That's how it goes sometimes.

    As far as the "knowing I will pay" piece, those don't really sound like people coming out for friendship. I don't have any friends like that and probably don't want any if that's what it takes to get hem to come out.
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    Feb 10, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    You can gauge a friendship by how well it handles time apart. Sometimes I need my shell and break from various areas of my life at a time. My best friends usually are there when I get back, lived and grown some, but always with open arms.
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    Feb 10, 2013 6:46 PM GMT
    Never give up on a friendship. However you may learn alot from your friends by letting this play out naturally.

    If I were you, I'd just call them up when it's over and see how it goes.
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    Feb 10, 2013 6:52 PM GMT
    Fair Weathered Friends? The ones who haven't weathered too bady, or fair-weather friends, the ones who run for cover when it rains?

    "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone."~~Orson Welles

    The human condition is so desperately isolated in these individual bodies and yet our conditioning from birth through being babies is that we can not survive without another human to feed us and to hold us that we fool ourselves into believing that even those who seek only to use or abuse us are friends. Beware, the predators know this. You'll find them online all the time treating people like shit and then watch as the people cower, submit, anything just for the illusion of the bully's temporary so-called friendship.

    We come up with all sorts of excuses for our "friends" in an attempt to dignify our lonely lives. Oh, they are compartmentalized we say: these are my work friends who I lunch with but who wouldn't know I existed six months after leaving the job. Or these are my sailing friends, they never even bother to bring a six pack or to help with a line but they give me someone talk with out on the bay.

    We consider people friends who leave us for other friends when they were never really friends; they were just butterflies betraying as soon as you ran out of sugar, off for fresher fields. Friends are true, they don't leave you. But we fool ourselves because we want so badly to believe this fellowship, those friendships, our ability to make friends, that religion, even though they haven't checked in a year to see if we're still alive, our dear old friends. Friendships of faith & delusion.

    Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,
    Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;
    So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,
    Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

    ~~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    I just keep singing this camp song in my head. There are various similar versions, usually with the camp name stuck in here and there...

    Friends, Friends, Friends
    We will always be.
    Whether in fair or in dark, stormy weather,
    We'll always be good friends together.
    Friends, friends, friends
    We will always be.
    Time cannot sever our good times together.
    Oh, friends, friends, friends.


    ha, I knew I could find one of those versions @ 0:20...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2013 7:17 PM GMT
    Hmmm, OP, I think you ask a lot of your friends.

    While they surely have ambitions of their own that they've expressed, have you taken time out of your training to meet them at their finish line? No? So why should your life be more important to them?

    There's nothing wrong with your ambition. But get a significant other to share this stuff. That's THEIR job.
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    Feb 10, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    A friend is someone who comes to visit you in the hospital when you are dying.

    I can't help but smile at the people on facebook who think they have 700 "friends."
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    Feb 10, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    turbobilly saidA friend is someone who comes to visit you in the hospital when you are dying.

    I can't help but smile at the people on facebook who think they have 700 "friends."


    ...and jail and burying bodies...

    I've a friend an hour from here. Now he does have a boat and loves to entertain. He used to come to my parties when we were growing up. And he has this thing where the fucker never drives to visit me. I get that I don't have a boat for him to play in. And they like for me to stay over and we do the boat for the day and they like to take me out to dinner. He made a lot of money and he loves to splurge on his friends.

    So I don't have as fancy a home as his, but I bought a very nice bed for the guest room and I don't have a boat but I do have canoe and kayak rental on a river nearby but he prefers hosting. It's a little annoying, but I get it. In fact I'm due to go there soon as another one of our childhood friends will be in town so we're all getting together. So I have to drive so I can be entertained.

    It's not as if I'm using my friend for his boat cause, frankly, I'd rather stay home and have them come here. I've spent 40 years on boats. This ain't nothing new to me just because he's relocated to Florida and discovered dolphin here (they are fun to be around, actually). But it is a newish experience for our visiting friend so that's that.

    So am I compartmentalized as a boating friend? A year or two ago I had to take down a huge limb fallen in a storm. Seriously a branch the size of a normal tree up and off the main trunk about 15-20 feet off the ground.

    So I had to get a ladder and my chain saw and go to town. Normally I just slice and dice. But this one was a little scary. So since I've relocated to this area, he's my closest contact. And I didn't want to worry my family. So I gave him a call. Told him what I was up to and that if I didn't call again in 15 minutes he was to call the police and send them to my home because that would mean that I was under a fallen tree and bleeding to death.

    That's a friend. Someone you can call when you are bleeding to death.
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    Feb 10, 2013 9:55 PM GMT
    3swim said
    Damn, it seems like friends are hard work.

    A couple of my buddies are always game when I invite them for an outing, or activity, like sailing, drinking at the club, and dinners out, knowing I will pay. And casual Saturday cycling.

    Currently I am pursuing an ambitious BucketList goal, (ok I'll say it Ironman)
    Yes, I know it deviates from a casual weekend activity. And I'm ok with them not sharing the triathlon passion.
    But my buddies don't call or message to check on me. I send messages and get brief good luck, responses. Additionally, one of them has started dating someone. Which I completely support.

    The question becomes: Do I just wait for the completion of my goal to reconnect, or accept the time we spent together has passed?

    Seems to me a good friend would want to be at the finish line with me....?


    I think you need to revisit the question of what friendship is to you?, and what I mean sometimes we think we have friends, but in reality we have acquaintances or these 'friends' only engage when they need something from you. That is NOT a healthy friendship relationship, it shows an in balance. I have a good friend of mine and we are very different in terms of our goals our hobbies, and passions, yet we are always sending text messages or phone calls and supporting one another, and also when time permits going out. Also, the idea that you are always paying is not good. A friendship denotes give an take. For example, a friend of mine invited me dinner last night and said he would pay, when other times I have paid.

    My advise is to find others that are prone to the same passions you have, and you will find those quality friends you are seeking. However, from experience there will only be a handful of friends that in essence will become like brothers to you, when you find them, cherish and enjoy them because these are rare as diamonds in your life.
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    Feb 10, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    Friendship is a two-way street. Good for you for trying to stay connected to them while you pursue your goals. It's really unfortunate they don't seem to give back to you the way you feel you give to them.

    But it's true, we all have our own lives. Cherish the time you had with them. They may still be good friends after your competition. (How long is the training for this? When is the Iron Man happening?)

    If you want them at the finish line, invite them! Tell them you want them there. If they don't show, it's their loss.

    But don't let them prevent you from finding other friends. Allow yourself to find new relationships. Making new friends is exciting. Maybe you'll find people who better suit the life you're living now.

    Chin up!
  • Sportsfan1

    Posts: 479

    Feb 10, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    Yes, friends are hard work. Seems to me your friends have lots going on as well. Cherish the time you spend time with them but do not expect them to at the finish line. Good Luck! All the best!
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    Feb 10, 2013 11:19 PM GMT
    uombroca said...Also, the idea that you are always paying is not good. A friendship denotes give an take. ....


    I tend to be a socialist, maybe in an odd sort of way. I grew up with a lot of different people from different economic situations and we didn't exclude someone because they didn't have money. My parents let me have the run of the house and we had a boat and my folks loved entertaining so my friends benefited from that. If someone had a access to a car while the rest of us were too young or that we didn't care to risk stealing our parents' car for the night, then that person would drive. And we'd all hop in the best car we could get. If one guy had a convertible, he's driving.

    And I was raised that way. My parents loved entertaining and never let anyone pay for anything. You'd have to shoot my ol'man to get that check. Or I'd be out with other friends on their 100-footer with crew, probably burning up $300 an hour in fuel, what am I supposed to do, chip in? Here, will this 20 help? They've got someone serving us lunch. What am I gonna do, walk onboard with cold six pack? Look, I brought beer.

    So that's kind of situational as to whether or not everything has to be evensteven. The friend I mentioned in the above post, I can bring beer onto his boat and it's appreciated. But I'd insult him if I tried to pay for fuel. And he never lets me get the dinner check. Because that's what he likes doing for his friends. This is a guy who just put a grass skirt around the bar in his house, for God's sakes. He loves to entertain. That's what makes him feel good. So sometimes if you try to even the score, you wind up taking that away from them. And that's not being fair either.