Advice on Coming Out??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    Hey RealJockers I was wondering if any of y'all have advice on coming out for a guy who is in high school.

    This past year has been really rough on me. To start it off I lost my best friend who committed suicide in August just 2 weeks after my birthday. Then there's the stress of getting into schools. On average I get 3-4 hours of sleep a night from all the AP and extracurricular work I do in order to get into the colleges of my choice. Needless to say this non-stop lifestyle, on top of being gay in high school has led me to see a psychologist, who has in the past month began treating me for depression. As of right now I just feel like I can't take it anymore. My perfect grades have been slipping, I feel like my depression is getting worse, and it just feels like at times that all I've been working towards in my life is falling apart right in front of my eyes and I feel the need to do something about it. No I am not going to commit suicide, because I know that happiness is not that far away, but I was just thinking today that coming out may just save me. If anyone has any tips on making coming out as smooth as possible, feel free to share, because chances are for me it's going to happen to me fairly soon. Thanks.
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    Feb 10, 2013 7:39 PM GMT
    Just tell your good friends first. leave it at that for awhile. then tell others.
  • GingerOH

    Posts: 159

    Feb 11, 2013 12:07 AM GMT
    I was in the same situation as you and I had no idea how to handle the situation. I came out to my best friend and that was enough for me for months. Just being able to confide in one person can be enough to take the pressure off. You don't need to stress out about coming out to a lot of people if your not ready, just one person can makes all the difference. In the end it is all up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

    PS - just remember that college is in September and college is an amazing experience, especially for us gays! icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 11, 2013 12:13 AM GMT
    When it comes to parents you might want to wait until you don't rely on them at all. If you feel like you really want to tell someone, start with good friends first.
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    Feb 11, 2013 12:24 AM GMT
    On top of all that BS you want to come out?! Sit on it for awhile.
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Feb 11, 2013 12:26 AM GMT
    I say, when it feels right just do it. My coming out was horrible with my parents only admitting it the other day after nearly 2 years of signals and a year from when I told them.

    Just do it when you know the time is right
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    Feb 11, 2013 12:33 AM GMT
    Wait till college.

    And if you just can't wait because of the stress then tell someone close to you that you can trust.

    I waited till college and I'm really glad that I did. High school kids are way too immature to understand.
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    Feb 11, 2013 12:34 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidOn top of all that BS you want to come out?! Sit on it for awhile.
    And let it boil inside him while he tries to deal all the other things going on in his life? Bad idea, man. Coming out could be the emotional release it takes to handle such a busy life.

    Coming out to friends is usually easiest, but be prepared for the inevitable blabbermouth who tells others. And by "prepared" I mean just go with the flow and enjoy the new you. The more you're comfortable with yourself, the more others will be, too.

    Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 12:58 AM GMT
    Integrity will set you free. Tell whoever you want, and go from there. Once the light shines into the closet, the day will go so much better. You'll be fine. Have faith in yourself, and those in your inner circle. It's not a big deal. Move forward.
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Feb 11, 2013 1:06 AM GMT
    You mentioned you are seeing a psychologist. Have you talked to them about this? Nobody here knows what your life is like. Nobody knows your friends or your parents. For most people it is a bit of a relief to come out but it sounds like you don't really have the time to act on it so it may not matter at this point. heh.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 11, 2013 1:14 AM GMT
    What exactly do you mean by "come out" in high school?

    If someone asks if you are gay then decide at that time if you want to tell them or not. If you don't want to tell them, then ask them why they are asking. They always same the same thing, "can I ask you something personal." There's your opportunity to say 'NO' or 'Sure". Trust me ... it is ok to tell them No it is not ok to ask questions of a personal nature of acquaintances. High school lasts like 3 or 4 years and trust me when I say, after that, most of them you will have little to no contact with ever again.

    If no one asks, then what is the point of going around telling every one you are gay? If you feel it's all that important, buy yourself a rainbow colored bracelet and consider it done. If someone asks you what it's for and then tell them if you want, or tell them you wear it to support equal rights for the gay community.

    Or is your intent that suddenly know your personality can change and you be who you are? Who are you? How are you acting different then you would if people knew you were gay?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 1:18 AM GMT
    it sounds like you have too much on your plate right now to handle any more stress. Wait at least until summer. When you're life starts slowing down a bit. Also you didn't say how you feel about your sexuality. Have you accepted it and are you comfortable with being gay? Are the people in your life generally accepting of gays or are they more conservative?

    best of luck to you bud.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Feb 11, 2013 1:18 AM GMT
    Kudos for seeing the psychologist; he can help.

    Coming out may not be a resolution, though. If you come out, there will be reactions, good and not so good, but eventually, the dust will settle and your friend will still be gone, you'll still have the AP and extracurricular work to do, etc. You might want to explore with the psychologist what may be a drive toward overachievement.

    Coming out is a good thing when the time is right. Just don't expect it to be a fix.
  • mascmuscle35

    Posts: 79

    Feb 11, 2013 1:23 AM GMT
    Hang in there buddy!!!

    Find someone, a parent, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, a friend ---It gets better. Lots of love coming your way!!!
  • KJayasuriya

    Posts: 1253

    Feb 11, 2013 1:31 AM GMT
    Three weeks ago, I came out to a few friends. Two weeks later, I came out to my sister. This past week, I came out to all my friends. Parents? That can wait.

    My advice is start slow. Choose 2-3 friends you feel most comfortable sharing your "secret" to. They will be your biggest supporters. Then, after giving it some time, approach a sibling (older the better). If you are afraid of confrontation (as I was), try writing a letter. It is so much easier. If your sibling is supportive, opening up to the rest of your friends should be easier. Your true friends will be there for you, and if you have your sibling's support, you know there will be always be another person watching you back. Take it slow, man. But coming out...well it will be worth it! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 1:38 AM GMT
    Ckfeezy saidWait till college.

    And if you just can't wait because of the stress then tell someone close to you that you can trust.

    I waited till college and I'm really glad that I did. High school kids are way too immature to understand.


    ^ ditto. I'm a big believer in creating your own successful environment - success being defined on an individual basis. Telling mom while I'm living at home sets me up in a negative way, knowing her traditional beliefs and such.Same applied with friends in high school, its been a much smoother 'process' (if you want to call it that), tellin' those close to me in our later years - as maturity starts to set in
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 1:45 AM GMT
    Definitely way better in college
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    Feb 11, 2013 3:04 AM GMT
    In an attempt to cover all the questions here I go....

    First of all thank you guys for all the advice, both on the thread and in my inbox. Hearing all of these suggestions and stories are really going to help me out in the long run and I thank y'all for that.

    S34n05 When it comes to parents you might want to wait until you don't rely on them at all. If you feel like you really want to tell someone, start with good friends first.


    My dad unfortunately knows from going through some things before, and he's all for it because he has a gay sibling, it's just my mom I'm worried about because she was raised in a very religious catholic household.

    UndercoverManOn top of all that BS you want to come out?! Sit on it for awhile.


    Exactly why I want to come out....there's too much "BS" to handle. My reasoning is that lightening part of the load will eventually lighten the rest of the burden and make it easier to continue on with what I'm doing.

    To those of y'all that talked about doing it in college, that was my original plan....to start out where people didn't know me and be who I was. The problem is though the burden of all of what I'm going through is kind of wearing on my grades...and since college is such a big thing, in doing this I feel like it could help me get into a school I want. (Duke haha)

    paulflexesAnd let it boil inside him while he tries to deal all the other things going on in his life? Bad idea, man. Coming out could be the emotional release it takes to handle such a busy life.

    Coming out to friends is usually easiest, but be prepared for the inevitable blabbermouth who tells others. And by "prepared" I mean just go with the flow and enjoy the new you. The more you're comfortable with yourself, the more others will be, too.

    Good luck!


    Exactly, that's what I'm kind of hoping for.
    I hopefully have good enough friends that know how to keep a secret, but I'm definitely preparing myself for the onslaught to follow haha. Thanks.


    Pontifex You mentioned you are seeing a psychologist. Have you talked to them about this? Nobody here knows what your life is like. Nobody knows your friends or your parents. For most people it is a bit of a relief to come out but it sounds like you don't really have the time to act on it so it may not matter at this point. heh.


    I've been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now, and when she asked me if I was gay, I kind of stuttered, and said no because I didn't know what to do. That's true, but getting all of these opinions kind of braces me for the wide range of things I might experience.

    midwesternmanit sounds like you have too much on your plate right now to handle any more stress. Wait at least until summer. When you're life starts slowing down a bit. Also you didn't say how you feel about your sexuality. Have you accepted it and are you comfortable with being gay? Are the people in your life generally accepting of gays or are they more conservative?

    best of luck to you bud.


    That is true, maybe summer is best. Actually though, it is going to be the same pace, I'm working and have an internship planned. Ya, I am. Over the years I really wasn't, but being exposed to all these online resources i.e. youtube and this, I've definitely come to accept being gay. Well I do live in N.C. unfortunately, so the general population of this state not so much. I'm fortunate however to live in a fairly liberal college town, but generally speaking most of my friends are conservative. Also my family is split 50/50 because on one side of the family I have a gay uncle and on the other conservative catholics. But thanks dude!

    All in all thanks for the advice and feel free to keep it coming, it definitely mean s a lot to me. I actually came out to my closest family member today, my cousin and she was really glad that i came out to her and was extremely supportive. As of right now I'm definitely going to build up that core of strong friends and family until the time is right, whether I feel to act on an impulse and come out this summer or even in college. I'm just hoping in doing this it will take the load off of me somewhat, because I feel like all of these boundaries and things I'm tied down with are limiting my potential as a human being. Thanks for the support!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    And you need to sleep.
    Lack of sleep leads to severe loss of concentration power and memorization abilities.
    Not to say it can trigger depression without additional cause.

    You should avoid, when possible, to make a life changing decision while feeling depressed.

    The best moment to come out is when you feel like doing it, not earlier, not later.

    Coming out make some complicated stuff and emotions become simple and good. It doesn't need to be smooth, as long as it's liberating.
    Anything you do in life has consequences, but not doing anything can also have consequence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 3:30 AM GMT
    I'm all for coming out and being publicly known as a proud gay man. But if you're a minor and as long as you're financially dependent on your parents, I would recommend holding off, especially if they hold anti-gay social views and see homosexuality as morally inferior to heterosexuality. If they're hardcore members of the SBC? Forget about it.

    I say get your education and become financially independent first.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 11, 2013 4:55 AM GMT
    don't do it at a shooting range
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Feb 11, 2013 5:03 AM GMT
    honestly, you don't have a reason to come out at this particular moment. if your dad already is ok with it, chances are it won't be that big of a deal.

    just try and find something that makes you happy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    I'd wait till you can stand on your own two feet to come out to your family.

    I never had a friend I was close enough with to come out to them, but I would start there if you had one. I'd agree with some on here that you should probably at least wait till you get out of highschool though.