If you used someone as a donor/surrogate would you still want her around?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/miami-judge-allows-3-names-birth-certificate-190350985--abc-news-topstories.html

    Ignoring the fact this is about lesbians if the genders were reversed and the surrogate/egg donor of your child wanted to be on the birth certificate and/or wanted to be in the child's life how would you take it? Would you embrace it? Or would you feel as if the woman poses a threat to the concept of who you are as a family led by two parents of the same gender?

    A friend of mine and I got into this conversation recently and he said he'd want to keep the woman around because he thought it would be good for the child to have a feminine pressence in the child's life. He also said he believed that it would be unfair to leave out the biological mother (if the surrogate and donor were the same person) from the lives of her biological children. I argued that being a egg donor or surrogate was pretty much like requesting a service from any other tradesperson. You don't ask the plumber to stick around and watch over the toiler after it's fixed. You don't ask the contractor to act as a security guard for the balcony he installed in your backyard. It's the same with a surrogate and a baby.

    He brought up another interesting issue I wanted to ask you all:

    If a gay/lesbian couple broke up should the biological parent automatically get custody of the children even if both parents are legally the child's parents?
  • PolaroidSwing...

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    Feb 11, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince I argued that being a egg donor or surrogate was pretty much like requesting a service from any other tradesperson. You don't ask the plumber to stick around and watch over the toiler after it's fixed. You don't ask the contractor to act as a security guard for the balcony he installed in your backyard. It's the same with a surrogate and a baby.


    Agreed, but I think it really comes down to what the affected parties want.

    One of my good lesbian friends has mentioned that my name came up when she and her partner talked about having kids someday; and I've said that I would be willing to donate genetic material.
    (If they're still interested when the time comes.)

    Personally, I would see that as their child, 110%.
    I would not even want the kid to know that I was his/her donor.
    Seeing as we're friends I would obviously still be in her life though. By extension of that, her child's life too; just not in a parental capacity.
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    Feb 11, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    PoloroidSwinger

    Agreed, but I think it really comes down to what the affected parties want.

    One of my good lesbian friends has mentioned that my name came up when she and her partner talked about having kids someday; and I've said that I would be willing to donate genetic material.
    (If they're still interested when the time comes.)

    Personally, I would see that as their child, 110%.
    I would not even want the kid to know that I was his/her donor.
    Seeing as we're friends I would obviously still be in her life though. By extension of that, her child's life too; just not in a parental capacity.


    I get what you're saying there but I also I think there should be something etched in writing. I know of lesbians and one gay couple who used someone of the differing sex to conceive the child and when all was said and done there was drama involved after the child came to be. Either the donor still wanted to be in the child's life in a parental capacity or the lesbian couple wanted the man to pay child support. I don't remember how that last one panned out but I wanna say he didn't have to pay it although Florida courts are unpredictable.
  • stratavos

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    Feb 11, 2013 5:10 PM GMT
    I'd get it all written up legally. and... It'd really depend on how well all of us got along during the pregnancy. (If I'm donating material and they are a lesbian couple, I'd like to check up on the kid, but... I completely understand that I'd just be the genetic father, not the dad)

    From what I've noticed, it's better to keep the bio mother/father out of the kids's life until they are a teenager (makes for an interesting sweet 16).
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    Feb 11, 2013 5:29 PM GMT
    stratavos saidI'd get it all written up legally. and... It'd really depend on how well all of us got along during the pregnancy. (If I'm donating material and they are a lesbian couple, I'd like to check up on the kid, but... I completely understand that I'd just be the genetic father, not the dad)

    From what I've noticed, it's better to keep the bio mother/father out of the kids's life until they are a teenager (makes for an interesting sweet 16).


    It's kind of like that movie 'The Kids Are Alright'. I honestly wouldn't mind donating my sperm but I'd the chance to get to know the child after he or she was grown up. I'd know place though from age 1 to 18 though.
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    Feb 11, 2013 8:08 PM GMT
    I'm not a huge fan of surrogacy. I get the idea, but there are a lot of children already out there that need good homes as it is. Plus, surrogacy typically means that the mother of the child will have to give up her baby. Granted, that's the deal they signed up for, but I could never ask someone to do something like that--even if they volunteered. I can only imagine how difficult it would be.

    Sperm and egg donations are totally different. I'm completely on board with those.
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    Feb 11, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    redsoxfan791 saidI'm not a huge fan of surrogacy. I get the idea, but there are a lot of children already out there that need good homes as it is. Plus, surrogacy typically means that the mother of the child will have to give up her baby. Granted, that's the deal they signed up for, but I could never ask someone to do something like that--even if they volunteered. I can only imagine how difficult it would be.

    Sperm and egg donations are totally different. I'm completely on board with those.

    I tend to agree
  • thadjock

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    Feb 11, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    Unfortunately I think there will always be drama with any surrogate arrangement. Lesbians have it somewhat easier, all they need is some anonymous sperm, gay males need a womb and egg.

    It would be very difficult to find a birth mother who could completely walk away from a child she carried, if you preferred to not include her in your family plan. I'm not judging which would be best for the kid but having the surrogate around would be similar to having split parents and divided custody?

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    Feb 11, 2013 10:30 PM GMT
    thadjock saidUnfortunately I think there will always be drama with any surrogate arrangement. Lesbians have it somewhat easier, all they need is some anonymous sperm, gay males need a womb and egg.

    It would be very difficult to find a birth mother who could completely walk away from a child she carried, if you preferred to not include her in your family plan. I'm not judging which would be best for the kid but having the surrogate around would be similar to having split parents and divided custody?



    It would be somewhat similar. It would also kind of defeat the point of being in a relationship with someone of the same gender if you're just going to end up co-parenting with a woman anyway. That sounds odd. There are however many woman who will and have given up a child they carried to term. Legally if you use an egg donor different from the actual surrogate it's technically not her child and she has no legal claim to it. But it's good to get all that worked out beforehand.
  • thadjock

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    Feb 11, 2013 10:47 PM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince saidLegally if you use an egg donor different from the actual surrogate it's technically not her child and she has no legal claim to it. But it's good to get all that worked out beforehand.


    or you could just date a girl, knock her up, wait till after she has the baby and then vacation on the amalfi coast where she has a completely plausible fatal car accident .
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    Feb 11, 2013 10:53 PM GMT
    thadjock said
    MashogaNubianPrince saidLegally if you use an egg donor different from the actual surrogate it's technically not her child and she has no legal claim to it. But it's good to get all that worked out beforehand.


    or you could just date a girl, knock her up, wait till after she has the baby and then vacation on the amalfi coast where she has a completely plausible fatal car accident .


    Yeah but then people might start asking questions when wittnesses report I refused to get into the same vehicle as her......

    Lol and I love how you said date and not marry. Lol no one gets married anymore....
  • thadjock

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    Feb 11, 2013 11:16 PM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    Yeah but then people might start asking questions when wittnesses report I refused to get into the same vehicle as her......

    Lol and I love how you said date and not marry. Lol no one gets married anymore....


    marrying her makes you more of a suspect, then if she has family money, or life insurance, there's an inheritance motive, that is going make the policia look very hard at you.

    don't get greedy, you're just trying to get a baby, not win the lottery
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    Feb 11, 2013 11:22 PM GMT
    thadjock said
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    Yeah but then people might start asking questions when wittnesses report I refused to get into the same vehicle as her......

    Lol and I love how you said date and not marry. Lol no one gets married anymore....


    marrying her makes you more of a suspect, then if she has family money, or life insurance, there's an inheritance motive, that is going make the policia look very hard at you.

    don't get greedy, you're just trying to get a baby, not win the lottery


    Why can't we just lock her up in the basement and only use her when we need new progeny? That's what our gay forefathers would of wanted according to bearers of gay history like Bryan Fischer and Tony Perkins, lol....

    SN: All this baby talk has me wanting one now....
  • thadjock

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    Feb 11, 2013 11:43 PM GMT
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    Why can't we just lock her up in the basement and only use her when we need new progeny? That's what our gay forefathers would of wanted according to bearers of gay history like Bryan Fischer and Tony Perkins, lol....

    ....


    yeah but your other forefathers would disapprove of you talkin about locking up people and using them.
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    Feb 12, 2013 12:31 AM GMT
    thadjock said
    MashogaNubianPrince said
    Why can't we just lock her up in the basement and only use her when we need new progeny? That's what our gay forefathers would of wanted according to bearers of gay history like Bryan Fischer and Tony Perkins, lol....

    ....


    yeah but your other forefathers would disapprove of you talkin about locking up people and using them.


    Lol those other forefathers were just mad they didn't think of it first.
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    Feb 12, 2013 12:37 AM GMT
    I guess we're not talking about liver-donors here. 'Cause that would be a bit odd.
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    Feb 12, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    Considered this with a former partner of mine. I'd make a queen before, throughout her experience, and for the rest of our lives together. She'd be family & friend. =')