BETRAYED!....by my "inner athlete."

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    Feb 12, 2013 12:09 AM GMT
    Not really expecting anyone to answer this.....for I understand it is a personal journey, although I have friends, family and professionals supporting me on the way......The last year has been sort of a special challenge for me.....Starting 2012 with Pneumonia, going to a torn ACL/MCL of my right knee and surgery to fix it. Then the chunk of concrete that fell from a bridge through my car sunroof....broke my skull, knocked me unconscious and a major concussion.....then my dad being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on memorial day....and he died on September 26, I got a second major concussion on September 27 when a decayed tree limb broke loose and fell, while I was hiking.....striking my head and knocking me out again. This time I had to have brain surgery to remove a blood clot, remove bone and other debris from my brain.....I was put into a coma for 8 weeks......coming out in December I think. This whole time I have been under restrictions of little or NO physical activities.....Walking was a HUGE step up!.....And being able to go back for half days at work was a good thing....until, last Monday. We had a big snow storm that coated the parking lots with ice.....I fell on the ice and hit my head ......many of my concussion symptoms are back....I saw my MD about 3 hours ago, and I am back on activity restrictions again, as well as off work again....and need to reduce/cut out my electronics use for a time again.....
    My balance is trashed!, continuous headaches ranging from annoying to blinding migraines.....
    My "inner athlete" has been on break so long that I can't even find him....I am so frustrated, but so uncomfortable with my degraded condition, fear about re-injuring myself before I am even done healing....ashamed and embarrassed at how far I have fallen......I fear I won't ever find my "inner athlete" again. I found him after my weight-loss surgery in 2005 ...after 45 years of looking.....and now he is lost again....My brain is damaged and my memories are incomplete and jumbled or missing......
    I forget what it took to get my brain and body to act and work and be "athletic"....I forget what that type of "wiring" was.....I have incomplete memories of my skills and education....and the occupational therapy is helping, as is the counseling, meds and everything.....but this person is NOT the same person I was before 2012....I fear the only part that I remember best is the "fat boy" and I HATE him....but I am restricted on what I can do.... again.
    My inner athlete is MIA.....and I feel like a zombie going through the motions to imitate what I once was. What if this is as good as it gets? I don't feel any connection to that athlete that was running Marathons, and Riding Centuries, let alone in a habit of 6 days a week at the gym....LOST....who betrayed me? why? how do I take it back!
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    Feb 12, 2013 1:57 AM GMT
    I had a pretty craptastic knee surgery myself a few years ago. I definitely understand how frustrating it is to compare yourself then to now. The only way youre going to get over it is to keep going. Instead of constantly looking back at what you lost, focus on your week to week gains. Once you start seeing them, youll find that your old addiction to progress will return. Before you know it youll be better than you used to be and twice as motivated. Stay strong sporty and Im sorry for your loss man.
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    Feb 12, 2013 2:08 AM GMT
    I found late in life that chemistry is more important than exercise. And I have had a couple of friends demonstrate that by getting in much better shape by switching to Paleo diet and walking. Yep, just walking 20 minutes a day and adhering to a full fat , no pricoesssed sugar , no processed "food " diet that stops building bad fat and restores a more normal Muscle to fat ratio.