My short 4 month relationship just ended

  • M4tt

    Posts: 84

    Feb 13, 2013 6:31 PM GMT
    I really just wanted to share our story, our break up, and start to get it out of my system.

    We met in September thanks to Okcupid, I took him to a Cuban restaurant in NYC, and ice skating afterwards. I kissed him midway into the date. I felt like there was a real connection. We began seeing each other and hanging out. I learned that beyond his sibling and mother his family didn't know he was a gay, but that didn't bother me and I never pushed to meet them. I respected where he was at and was supportive. I began to meet his friends, all of whom I liked and each were characters and fun to spend time with.
    In mid October we became official. He introduced me to all his local friends on my birthday. Our work schedules kept us busy but we always made time for one another. When we spent time together it usually involved me traveling to him. Since the both of us still lived at home with our family it was hard spending time more romantic in nature together, so in the course of our relationship we went to a less than crummy motel, but we were together so it didn't bother me that much. I was happy to be with him. He even at one point told his mother about me which felt like a huge step. I met his brother who seemed to like me if not at least tolerate me.

    The way we spent money on each other was slightly extravagant, I took him to dinner and a Broadway show for his birthday and for mine he took me to a arcade and lunch. I bought him a coat and a Netflix subscription, and he got me a beautiful watch and made me a even more beautiful scarf. When evenings got too late when I was with him or slightly too drunk he'd pay for a car service so I could get home quickly even when I protested. While we both worked I always felt he had more money to spend and I was always trying to pick up hours so I could compete with him financially. He always felt the need to pay for everything and I had to fight to split the bills with him.

    This continued like this until about a week ago. Suddenly the mood of his texts changed and I noticed immediately. I should say though I noticed a problem prior as conversation was always slightly hard when we ate together. I always had to push conversation to space the silence. However I figured it was a small issue that wasn't something to be worried about. I thought maybe we were just comfortable. Fast forward to the present and we broke up two days ago. After no change in the mood of his texts I asked if there was something bothering him to which he said there were things he wanted to talk about but wanted to do it in person. So when we finally met up he told me he no longer felt the same way, that the spark as it were was gone for him for about the last two weeks. He wondered if I felt the same way about him since I first met him which I told him I still did. After twenty minutes all my efforts to try and work it out exhausted and failed. He didn't see his feelings changing on the matter and it did hurt that he didn't want to try and work through it. He felt maybe we could still see each other still but not romantically. He wanted to try and date new people and told me I should try as well. At the end of it all I told him I wanted him to be happy and we said goodbye and I walked away after dropping him at his subway stop.

    Now if it ended there you might have thought that it ended amicably. However it didn't end there. I walked down to the next stop thinking enough time would've gone by and I could take the same train but one he wouldn't be on. After waiting the train rolled into the station. I was in the last car. I was overcome with emotion and I had a feeling he was on the same train. I preface this before the next sentence that I think in my head I thought this would be a romantic gesture that would show that the spark was still there and if I had done this later it would've been too late and the moment gone. I walked through the train until I saw him. I walked straight up to him and I tried to kiss him but he moved his head back and said no, not here. I apologized and told him I was sorry about trying that and I said to him how much he meant to me and that I wanted to fight for this (him). By then we had arrived at his station and he had to get off and we said a quick good bye he smiled faintly touched my hand for a moment and that was that, he left. I haven't heard from him since and I'm giving him his space indefinitely for the time being.

    I'm really more confused than upset right now it just felt so out of the blue. My friends feel that I followed my heart and told me not to feel bad about my actions on the train though I still feel foolish about it. I just want to know if I did something wrong (past and present) or if there's something I could've addressed to prevent this from happening so I don't fall into the same pattern again. I want to learn from this experience. We had amazing physical chemistry we were always holding hands kissing and going slightly too far in the wrong places but never anything indecent, but maybe that was it... Though I feel there was more to our relationship than just that.

    I do apologize for any grammar issues a phone isn't really conducive to writing so much properly.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 13, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    I was hanging out with a guy for the past month and a half, and we talked for a month prior. We had great chemistry. We got along great, had common interests and had a great time doing things together. At some point I felt the same way your guy did and I had to break the news that for some reason I wasn't interested anymore. It happens and we just have to be up front about it and accept the honesty and appreciate it.

    You did nothing wrong, some times these things happen. Be happy he told you the truth. Accept your time together with him for what it was and try to move on.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 13, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    I dated a guy for about a year and for no particular reason, just stopped feeling for him. Can't explain it. I've had it happen to me. Don't think you did anything wrong. And I liked your train effort. I thought it was sweet. Just move on and feel good about the whole thing. Sounds like a wonderful romance. An affair of the heart.
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    Feb 13, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    Honestly, I don't think you did anything wrong.

    The fact is, you put in a lot of effort here. It seemed like a good relationship on paper. My guess is that he probably just fell out of love once the honeymoon period ended.

    Just keep doing what you're doing. He may not have liked it all, but someday, you'll find someone who does.
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    Feb 13, 2013 10:21 PM GMT
    M4tt said
    I do apologize for any grammar issues a phone isn't really conducive to writing so much properly.

    You wrote all that on a PHONE??? icon_eek.gif

    Well, seems like you're a treasure, and for whatever reason he isn't interested in the find that you are. Someone else will be.

    I dated a guy once who told me he wasn't ready to settle down. A late bloomer like me, he wanted to sample the field before he made his choice.

    OK, that's fair, though it was killing me. I wanted him NOW, already knew he was what I wanted. But he wasn't ready to settle for me, admittedly not being the greatest prize out there.

    So OK, I go through 2 years of this sorta-being-his-BF routine, hoping he'll finally choose me, but he's still out fucking around. Enough already. I moved away, best way to end this nonsense of his not being able to make up his mind.

    I moved to Florida, and within 6 months I've gotten a proposal, and I move in with him. Not 2 weeks later the ex phones me, says he's flying down to "marry" me. icon_eek.gificon_exclaim.gificon_eek.gif He made a mistake, he says, and after I was gone he realized he wouldn't find better than me.

    Well, no you're not gonna move down here, I tell him. I'm already married, and you're history. You had your chance for 2 years, you rejected me, and your timing sucks. The boat's left the dock, and you ain't on it.

    I wonder if your guy doesn't want to be "tied down" yet, like mine didn't. Lots of younger guys don't, and that's understandable. Just beware of becoming his safety net, his backstop, should he strike-out with others.

    Because if he doesn't become convinced that he's made a mistake, and you're the best for him, then you're just the second-best in reserve if he returns. And he'll drop you again when he thinks better has come along.

    And in the meantime if you find someone for yourself, don't let this ex try to derail that. Ex'es have a remarkable talent for drifting back into your life when it suits them, and at the worst possible moment for you. So be aware, and wary of those scenarios.
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    Feb 13, 2013 11:16 PM GMT
    You write well, and it was easy to follow every word and action carefully. To me it appears as though you did everything you could to let him know that you still had feelings for him. I wouldn't do anything more at this point. Things change, people grow apart, moods and attraction wax and wane. You seem like a great guy. I'd just focus on your life, continue with your health & fitness (the weight loss you mention in your profile) because that will give you more confidence and a sense of all things good - - - which will serve you well in your next relationship. You're just 25 - - - - and you can't begin to know all the good things (and people) coming your way! Best of everything to you.
  • M4tt

    Posts: 84

    Feb 14, 2013 7:18 AM GMT
    I just wanted to say thank you to those who took the time to read and respond. I've decided that for right now and I hope I'll keep to it, that I'm going to focus on and date myself (as it were). I'm going to work on getting myself where I want to be. Work towards reestablishing lost ties with good friends and just worry about making myself happy. Especially focus on school and work. I've always jumped right from one relationship in short spans of time (maybe to avoid the pain and the healing process.) I'm not going to allow myself to fall into that pattern anymore.

    I'm going to reflect and celebrate the time I had with him.

    Again guys, thanks.
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    Feb 14, 2013 7:30 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing M4tt. Everyone's responses are pretty sound too. I know the break-up is a direct punch to your self-esteem. I hope you strengthen your self-esteem as the healing begins. Best of luck M4tt.
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    Feb 14, 2013 5:31 PM GMT
    I think love needs compromise and dedication, more than passions and feelings. Of course, passions and feelings bring you together. But it takes much more than that to keep a long and prosperous relationship.

    Passions would fade away at some point. Guys tend to find other fresh meats and new relationships, or just hookups. Few will make an effort to make it work. Fewer in the western world than the east, I guess. That's why so many people in their late 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s ... Still looking for "true love".

    I would say, if two people are more than 80% compatible in physical, habitual, etc, its worth having an ever lasting relationship - a marriage.
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    Feb 14, 2013 10:36 PM GMT
    Your "bf" told you in no uncertain terms that he no longer felt the same way towards you. His statement could not have been any clearer. Move on with dignity. You will eventually find someone who will appreciate you. You seem like a very nice guy and anyone would be lucky to have you as his bf. Best of luck.
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    Feb 14, 2013 10:48 PM GMT
    M4tt said[...] I'm going to focus on and date myself (as it were).


    That sounds like excellent advice
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 15, 2013 7:19 PM GMT
    awww.
    well, I feel for ya dude. you'll be ight tho.
    I hate this saying, but i'll say it anyway lol "it is what it is" and "it aint what it aint"

    he no longer wants to be with you and you're just gonna have to accept that. It's not easy. It's happened to me. Give urself a little time and continue doing you.

    The whole trying to kiss him on the train was a bit awkward, but hey u were trying one last ditch effort because u wanted this guy. Obviously, it didn't work out. You'll live. It was kinda cute in a way...albeit awkward.

    I would give him his space and would not communicare with him anymore at this point.
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    Feb 15, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    Well at least it got over in 4 months,I know any break up isn't easy but given that how fast he lost interest in you it was going to happen anytime soon. If it would have been longer it had hurt more. Let it go and try to move on.