Not fair.

  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 13, 2013 7:22 PM GMT
    My two best gay friends both tested Poz within the past 24 hours. One broke the news to me yesterday. The other just tested Poz when we went together to get tested this morning.

    I tested negative.

    My friends are two of the best guys around. Both caring, giving, talented and educated. Both responsible (one has been in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half) and careful. Another common trait: they are both bottoms.

    Here I am, feeling a bit of 'survivor's guilt'. I'm a top and fairly responsible and careful too. I'm glad I'm negative after having skipped testing for over 6 months. But I feel for my friends..and can't help but think that for me, IRS just a matter of time. I wear condoms, but I love bareback and have slipped on that several times. The temptation of a hot bottom comes at me again and again.

    I dunno. I just want to vent. It's just a strange day. I think I was ready to be Poz too just to be done with it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2013 9:31 PM GMT
    It sounds like your friends are the kind of guys who (previously) should (have) looked into prophylaxis treatment. Depending on how often you "slip up," maybe you should look into it too.

    I've been on the verge of bringing up the subject with a couple of friends, although now they say they're being monogamous, so I never talked to them about it. But I kind of wish that I had.
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    Feb 13, 2013 11:38 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidI totally understand the survivor's guilt....I went through it pretty bad in the 80s/90s. If you've got someone to talk to (therapist-wise), it might be a good thing to sit down and try to wrap your head and your thoughts around all of this.

    Only advice I can offer otherwise is: you're not responsible...don't mistake your empathy for your dear friends for that. And with that in mind, the best thing you can do to honour and respect them, yourself and our communty (imo) is to be vigilant in keeping yourself safe. As superficially "relieving" as it might be to join your friends on this new journey, they've got enough to worry about and you'll be most valuable to them as a good and healthy friend they can reach for when times get tough....they probably more need you "out of that boat" rather than "in it with them."

    The care is good today; many poz guys live long lives...so long that HIV/HIV-related causes are not what ultimately takes them. And with some of the discoveries being made today, odds are they'll be around for some incredible breakthroughs. Hope you can be a vessel of strength and love and support as each of them adjusts to this new reality: LIVING with HIV.

    Big hugs....to you and your friends.


    ^^^ This. He writes much wisdom
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    Feb 14, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    PR_GMR said... I think I was ready to be Poz too just to be done with it.
    Done with what?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2013 2:05 AM GMT
    Don't feel guilty. Just stay HIV- if you can.

    Being HIV+ is not something that one should aspire to achieve.

    Take it from somebody who has been HIV+ for 28 years. It's not something you want.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Feb 14, 2013 5:26 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidI totally understand the survivor's guilt....I went through it pretty bad in the 80s/90s. If you've got someone to talk to (therapist-wise), it might be a good thing to sit down and try to wrap your head and your thoughts around all of this.

    Only advice I can offer otherwise is: you're not responsible...don't mistake your empathy for your dear friends for that. And with that in mind, the best thing you can do to honour and respect them, yourself and our communty (imo) is to be vigilant in keeping yourself safe. As superficially "relieving" as it might be to join your friends on this new journey, they've got enough to worry about and you'll be most valuable to them as a good and healthy friend they can reach for when times get tough....they probably more need you "out of that boat" rather than "in it with them."

    The care is good today; many poz guys live long lives...so long that HIV/HIV-related causes are not what ultimately takes them. And with some of the discoveries being made today, odds are they'll be around for some incredible breakthroughs. Hope you can be a vessel of strength and love and support as each of them adjusts to this new reality: LIVING with HIV.

    Big hugs....to you and your friends.


    Reposting this, yet again, because it's worth repeating.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Feb 14, 2013 5:50 AM GMT
    First, keep being a good friend. The best way for you to a be a friend they can count on is to be healthy and available to them.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Feb 14, 2013 6:22 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidDon't feel guilty. Just stay HIV- if you can.

    Being HIV+ is not something that one should aspire to achieve.

    Take it from somebody who has been HIV+ for 28 years. It's not something you want.


    Ever heard of bug chasers?
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Feb 14, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    Don't despair. And test again, and again. There are many false positives.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 14, 2013 1:02 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies, specially yours, yourname2000. I will give my friends complete support on their journeys of learning to live with HIV. One has already told his boyfriend and thankfully, his boyfriend told him he would be there for him as he copes with the diagnosis. The other I also spoke with last night and he was at the gym in semi-good spirits, carrying on; I was afraid he was going to fall into a deep depression.

    As for me, when I said I wanted to 'be done with it', I meant the worrying that each new encounter I have will be 'the one' that does it. I know--this can be prevented by wearing condoms 100% of the time.. but the temptations are so strong. There are more poz-but-undetectable bottoms out there these days. I've already played with one and there's another I've been talking with recently. I would like to find a good boyfriend and settle down, but life just hasn't brought that man into my life yet and I do occasionally hookup to keep going. Lately, all sorts of wild men have been coming into my life. I live in NYC: The temptation here is killer. I must continue to find the strength to do the right thing and be careful.
  • renk

    Posts: 12

    Feb 18, 2013 12:17 AM GMT
    PR_GMR saidI think I was ready to be Poz too just to be done with it.


    While I understand feeling bad for your friends, I do have say you weren't ready and you aren't ready. Living with HIV is not a walk in the park. If I could go back to worrying about the getting the virus and stressing over a situation where I was an idiot, I would. Having HIV changes your life in ways you don't think about or expect.