Any of you know what it's like to feel fat, ugly & depressed?

  • MisterMisfit

    Posts: 5

    Feb 14, 2013 5:32 AM GMT
    I'm at the heaviest weight in my life and couldn't be more unhappy. I've had emotional problems before but now they're compounded with obesity. I feel so ugly that it's preventing me from wanting to even go outside.

    It's so much easier and temporarily comforting to sit in my dark room and eat. It seems like all of you here are very beautiful so you may not comprehend these feelings at all. I know it's easier to ignore and forget about the ugly people out there but we do exist and some of us suffer.

    In the past two months, I finally worked up the courage to be physically active. I've been going to the gym every day for almost two months but my weight loss has been maybe only 3-5 pounds. I'm quite devastated. I put all this effort into making myself go and I'm only seeing negligible progress. I started off with only 25 minutes on cardio but have steadily bumped it up to 40 minutes now.

    Food on the other hand is something I haven't improved much on. It's my comfort that I continually run to. I try mindful eating but I always end up binging. I don't know how to break away from this. I can't love myself when my reflection disgusts me (just as it does you). In fact, I was very reluctant to post here seeing as it required a picture.

    It sounds like I need mental help, right? I've been in therapy and on medication for years. If it were not for that, I would probably have killed myself already. Some of you probably think I should seeing as how I'm just a big waste of resource and space.
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    Feb 14, 2013 6:04 AM GMT
    Hi MisterMisfit,
    Let me start by saying that depression and self pity gets you nowhere.

    I was fat and depressed. I never considered myself ugly and you shouldn't either. You may find the part of yourself that let you get this way ugly, but you are not ugly.

    I've been working out for over six months now and found that I didn't lose very much every day. But as time passed I noticed differences and I'm starting to feel alot better.

    Fitness is not a goal to obtain, but a lifestyle to get into. Give yourself time and let the fat slowly fall off.
  • MisterMisfit

    Posts: 5

    Feb 15, 2013 4:23 AM GMT
    This thread got buried and ignored pretty fast. I had a feeling it would be a mistake to post here.
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    Feb 15, 2013 4:30 AM GMT
    I think this website would help with weight loss.

    http://www.bodybuilding.com/

    Get EAP for help if your company has it.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 15, 2013 4:34 AM GMT
    MisterMisfit saidThis thread got buried and ignored pretty fast. I had a feeling it would be a mistake to post here.


    If you're new, your threads tend to get ignored, so don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you.

    I hear you on your fight. And you must keep on fighting. You're making strides, believe it or not, by increasing your cardio. Now, you must find the strength to control your binge eating. Changing your eating habits will be key to transforming your body and it's the toughest thing to master. Take it one step at a time. How about cutting one junk item from your diet a week? Start there.. and keep cutting. You'll see your weight continue to drop off.
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    Feb 15, 2013 4:59 AM GMT
    Yes, many of us definitely know how it feels.

    I got up to my heaviest weight my senior year of college at 270 lbs. I had bad acne, and rosacea largely due to my diet. This was around the time I was coming out, and I got my first taste out how brutal the gay community could be I went through short stints at the gym, but I couldn't seem to stick with it.

    Diet is a HUGE part of weight loss. It is about more than just dieting because food can be physically and emotionally addictive (regardless of what any of the men on here will tell you). Successful weight loss comes from acknowledging that and doing something about it, rather than sitting there making excuses. There is support out there, but at the end of the day it's about you making better decisions. No one can do that for you. If you commit to 2 days of eating fruits, and vegetables in place of junk foods, then you'll see how quickly your body adapts, and you will actually come to want those foods when you're hungry vs. the snack foods. I know that there are certain foods that I cannot have in the house otherwise I will binge on them. I'd say that's true for most people. I've heard even the fittest people express their "weaknesses" it's simply human nature to want more of something that is pleasurable.

    Make sure you are eating fairly often, and plan what you are going to eat. When I was starting out I had canned salmon, almonds, carrots, fresh berries, and apples. I think apples are what saved me because they were sweet and high in fiber. They gave me a go to food when my sweet tooth was acting up. Losing 5 lbs in a month isn't a bad thing, slow weight loss is more sustainable than the crash diets that most people go on in order to lose weight. Depriving your body of essential nutrients will set a person up for failure almost every single time.

    Working out and healthy eating is just a part of my life now. I think if it weren't for the gym and running I'd probably have to be locked up. I love challenging myself because it gave me that sense of accomplishment when my self esteem was lacking.

    Lastly, you have to cut yourself a break. It may be helpful to change up your routines at the time when you're most likely to binge. Get the junk out of your room, and hopefully out of the house (though that's not always easy to do) will be a starting point. Most junk food is toxic anyway. There's a reason why our society is so physically sick with cancer, heart disease, gastrointestinal problems, etc.
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    Feb 15, 2013 5:09 AM GMT
    MisterMisfit saidThis thread got buried and ignored pretty fast. I had a feeling it would be a mistake to post here.


    PR GMR said it best by stating don't take being ignored on your threads personally because you will receive some advice. You've already received several who have shared their experience. Absorb the information you've been given and learn from it.

    Also, take a look at the profile of an RJ member named Larkin. This guy's transformation is beyond amazing. I think you will find a lot of inspiration through him.
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    Feb 15, 2013 5:10 AM GMT
    Welcome to Real Jock!

    Yes, being new and unverified can be problematic on this website. We've seen so many "people" come and go. Many profiles which are not real and are "trolls" and "sock puppets".

    I hope that you can find the strength to change your life. If you really want to, you will do what it takes to change yourself through your thoughts, your decisions, your actions, your habits, and ultimately your lifestyle.

    It won't happen overnight.

    Also, it's harder to do it alone. Find others who are working on changing themselves for the better and hang with those "winners".

    Remember, you make choices every moment. Choose wisely as many moments in a row as you can.

    Only you can make the change happen. Only you can make the change stick.

    I wish you the best on your journey of self-change.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Feb 15, 2013 5:57 AM GMT
    I think a great many of us have felt fat, ugly and/or depressed at one point or another.

    Many overweight people are too embarrassed to join gyms because they think everyone is looking at them and judging, when in reality they're practically invisible since most folk are too into themselves to notice them. So it's absolutely terrific and commendable that you've been undeterred in your workouts.

    The reason for your slow progress is most likely food. If you have to turn to favorite foods for comfort consider healthier alternatives - it might be faster and easier to reprogram in your head what tastes satisfying than trying to get at the root of the problem to change your behavior entirely. If you eat healthy you can graze all day, negating the need to binge.

    Just keep training and because you might be gaining muscle weight don't be a slave to the scale just yet. Focus on how the training makes you feel and how your clothes fit. If it takes three years to get to your goal instead of one, is that so terrible? Just stay consistent, eat healthier and I'm confident you'll meet and even surpass your goals.

    Don't be influenced by "Biggest Loser" style benchmarks of weekly 20 pound weight losses. I'm always amazed that half those people haven't keeled over from heart attacks and ruined knees. It's healthier, safer and more sustainable losing weight more slowly over the long term.
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    Feb 15, 2013 6:10 AM GMT
    MisterMisfit saidSome of you probably think I should seeing as how I'm just a big waste of resource and space.


    Don't say that, there's no such thing as anyone being a waste of space boo, everyone has a purpose whether they know what it is or not icon_smile.gif The best advice I can give you for your situation is to just put your best foot forward and give it time, weight loss isn't gonna happen overnight. Maybe working out with a friend or partner would be best....I'm not sure how it would work but it's something I just thought of. If you had a partner or friend who also has the goal of losing weight training with you, you could make it like a healthy competition or something and see who can lose the most weight every week...I wish you the best of luck!!!! icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 15, 2013 6:42 AM GMT
    Doing cardio is pointless if you're overeating. Drink lots of water, eat less, continue cardio, you'll see better results.
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    Feb 15, 2013 6:45 AM GMT
    Stop doing that!
    stop criticizing yourself...you're encouraging your criticism by positive feed back of justifying yourself to be unworthy...people who are depressed will eat more & that's a scientific fact...& this adds more weight to you...

    Understand that physical beauty is an illusion...a beautiful person will be jealous if he/she sees a person more beautiful than them...unless they are confident about themselves....
    So, be confident no matter what you are...wake up the will that is sleeping inside you...

    When, in the moment you stop criticizing yourself, at that instance you'll see the 'until now' obscured road more clearly & you can take your first step on that path that leads you towards your destiny...

    you don't need any therapy...all you need is a push...be strong & that strength brings up the will & the will pushes you forward...
    Contact a dietitian, they can guide you well...give more physical exercise than you eat!, control your hunger...
    There are sometimes where you can't get help from anyone but yourself..help yourself...

    I just want to mention a quote by one of the greatest leaders of America...it may encourage you...
    “If you can't fly then run,
    if you can't run then walk,
    if you can't walk then crawl,
    but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
    ― Martin Luther King Jr.
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    Feb 15, 2013 11:30 AM GMT
    Yes, I do, and I feel sorry for you.

    I know that food is a very emotive issue, and if you comfort eat, each one of those pounds carries with it a bunch of feelings that you need to work through.

    Why not make an introduction thread?


    icon_idea.gifWhat if you have been putting on a little bit of muscle, whilst losing the fat? That might offset your weight loss as muscle is heavier than fat. Perhaps things are not so bad as they seem.
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    Feb 15, 2013 12:11 PM GMT
    S34n05 saidDoing cardio is pointless if you're overeating. Drink lots of water, eat less, continue cardio, you'll see better results.


    This. Exercise Is good for you. But to lose weight you really have to gain control over what you are eating. I advise learning more about diet and nutrition - pick a diet approach, and then track calories and macros with an app like fitday or myfitnesspal. Good luck!!
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    Feb 15, 2013 1:55 PM GMT
    I know exactly what its like to suffer depression, being overweight not so much and ugly never.
    Ugly is subjective and seriously you arent ugly Mr, Although im one of those awful people who looses weight way to easily I am suffering from over indulgence over the Xmas and summer period.
    So I started off slowly again and after my first walk 10 km the other day I already felt better. When I cant walk outside i plug in the earphones and hit the treadmill and play music that inspires me.
    Chin up and keep working at it
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    Feb 15, 2013 5:31 PM GMT
    You have already taken the most important step, which is setting your mind to transform your body and start working out. Even if the initial improvement on the scale doesn't look that great, you should not give up yet. Incorporate a variety of cardio exercises so you don't get bored.

    For me, I am fighting a battle which is opposite: trying to gain muscle. Yet, my challenge is same as yours. Eating properly and healthily in the right amount feels unnatural, I feel bloated all the time (and you probably feel hungry all the time), and is hard for me to do that consistently. You said you turn to food for comfort, but making change is inevitably uncomfortable, something we both have to persist and overcome.

    I have set a goal to go to the gym at least twice a week, but sometimes I fail. But I give myself the following week to make up for it and prove I can still stick to my target. I sincerely encourage you not to give up, and even if you fail once, tell yourself not to fail a second time!

    Keep fighting!
  • nicelyproport...

    Posts: 573

    Feb 15, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    I was overweight for a good part of my life.
    As much as I sympathize, sympathy is not going to solve the problem.
    When I was in your position, I felt two competing desires:

    I wanted to eat a lot of food.
    I wanted to lose the weight.

    Eventually I realized that I couldn't do both.
    When I finally decided that losing the weight mattered more to me than eating certain foods, the rest fell into place.

    Here's a repost of my story:

    A few years ago I was 40 pounds heavier than I am now; at my biggest, about 50-60 pounds.

    For me, a half-gallon carton of Breyer's used to be single-serving size. No bowl needed.

    At the same time I'd tell myself that I just wasn't built like those guys in the fitness magazines.

    The truth is I wasn't really trying. I'd make a small change, get a small result, then say it wasn't working.

    Then one day I decided to put it to the test. I decided to really go for it.

    No more added fats. No more processed sugar. Only lean protein, whole grains, fresh vegetables and fruit.

    When I worked out at the gym, I worked out. Hard. For every set the other guy did, I did three.

    Instead of running two miles at a stretch, I started to run five. Then six. Then seven. Once I ran 21 miles in a day.

    I got used to being a little hungry. To burn off the fat, I had to use more fuel than I was consuming. How could I do that without being at least a little hungry?

    Lo and behold, my body started to change. I started to see abs. And biceps. And pecs. The pics in my profile tell the story better.

    Now it's a way of life. I can't imagine going back to the way I was.




  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 15, 2013 7:51 PM GMT
    There's a lot of good advice on this thread. I hope you come back to read it and, hopefully, make use of some of it.

    As for 'fat, ugly and depressed,' been there! Add to that OLD! Well, older than most guys on RJ.

    Three years ago I weighed over 250. I don't know exactly how much I weighed because I was too embarrassed about it to weigh myself and find out. But a lot of things happened and I decided to begin changing my situation. It wasn't easy but here are the most important points that helped me:

    1: Start walking. I stopped driving everywhere. My office is only 2+ miles from my home and my gym only a few blocks further. I walk there (and usually back) every day, even on days I workout and/or do aerobics. On my days off I walk 2 to 6 miles.

    2: Learn to walk fast. At first it was enough to walk short distances but over time I learned to walk further. As I began to loose weight, I also learned to walk faster. I now can cover 2 miles in a half hour easy. That is a very brisk walk but not running.

    3: Losing weight is more about diet than exercise. Both are important but in terms of fat loss, diet is where it's at. If you're a sugar addict as I am, the MOST important thing to do is cut as much sugar (in all its varieties) from your diet as possible. If you're a binger like me, most likely you won't be able to do this 100% all at once. IT TAKES TIME to retrain yourself and learn new habits. If you're like me you may also have to deal with emotional stuff that comes up as you decrease sugar from your diet. (I found this very interesting, actually, how I use sugar to 'dope' myself and suppress my feelings. Once I became interested in the feelings and where they were coming from, this also helped with cutting back on the sugar).

    4: BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Be forgiving when you fail! It took me TWO YEARS to get to a point where I didn't binge EVERY WEEK, sometimes multiple times a week. Think of it like this: I used to eat an entire bag of Petridge farm cookies EVERY NIGHT, sometimes two and on a really bad night THREE! I can wipe out an entire pie in one sitting and easily three quarter of a layer cake. Truly! So, I began TRYING to eat less sugar and I had to learn to accept the fact that I *WAS* going to binge again. No way around it. It *is* an addiction. Little by little, day by day, month by month, however, I began to decrease the frequency of my binging and I did this by forgiving myself every time I binged. Rather than beat myself up and tell myself I was a failure and a fuck-up, I began to think of it differently. I let myself ENJOY the binge and said, 'tomorrow I'll keep trying to not binge.' And I did try. I'd walk up to the pastry counter, look at the food, feel the crave and just walk away. Not always, but sometimes and increasingly more often. By doing this, over time, I've gotten so I very rarely binge now. Once every month or so. Sometimes, during holidays for example, more, but that is the way emotional eating goes. Just keep trying no matter how many times you fail.

    5: Try to shift from packaged/processed foods to healthier choices. At first, for me, it was necessary to eat A LOT of good food. To begin, tell yourself it is alright to eat all the salad and cruciferous vegetables you want. If you want specific suggestions, email me and I'll give them to you. It is predominantly sugars and starches that extra calories we store as fat come from. Little by little you can eat less AND feel better both physically and emotionally.

    6: Continue to work out. Exercise is important for a lot of reasons. It charges up your metabolism (you burn more fuel/food) and, over time, you develop more muscle, which in turn burns more calories. You'll feel stronger and happier. But, again, give yourself plenty of time and forgiveness.

    7: Stop weighing yourself! It doesn't matter how much you weigh. What matters is your body measurements, especially around your waist. Check that measurement about once ever six months. If you're on the right track SLOWLY you will find your pants fitting more loosely. Once they no longer fit, get rid of them and buy a smaller waist size. Repeat that cycle. At my biggest, a 44" paint waist was TIGHT on me. I can now wear 32" waist and I hadn't been there in a LONG time.

    8: Finally, don't think about what other people may think about you. You're right. There are a lot of people here and elsewhere who will take one look at you and make a judgement about you due to your size. So what? That isn't the real problem; the real problem is your own judgement of yourself. At least that is the way it was for me. My constant internal nagging of myself was MAKING me binge! It was a vicious cycle. But now I think about it all very differently. If I set myself a goal and I only achieve 50% of that goal, well, fuck, that is WAY better than if I'd not set a goal at all! Now at age 65 I'm more in shape than I've ever been in my life. I feel better, eat healthier, have more energy and focus and I know this is the way I'm going to live for the rest of my life. Have I reached my "goal"... nope. But I'm getting closer day by day, month by month.

    As for "ugly" at my age there's nothing much I can do about THAT haha. Wrinkles, age spots, the "emperor Palpatine" look... it is the way it is. I don't give a fuck. But you aren't going to have THAT problem for another 40 years so don't worry about it!
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    Feb 15, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    MisterMisfit saidI'm at the heaviest weight in my life and couldn't be more unhappy.
    It seems like all of you here are very beautiful so you may not comprehend these feelings at all.

    Food on the other hand is something I haven't improved much on. It's my comfort that I continually run to. I try mindful eating but I always end up binging. I don't know how to break away from this.

    It sounds like I need mental help, right? I've been in therapy and on medication for years. If it were not for that, I would probably have killed myself already. Some of you probably think I should seeing as how I'm just a big waste of resource and space.


    Dear MisterM,

    I know exactly what you're going through, as I've struggled with obesity for my entire life. Poor role models, poor eating habits, and poor life choices can definitely compound the problem.

    I was always hefty since grade school, when I had to wear those stigmatizing "Husky" sizes; by the time I was in college, I was opting for the tent sizes to avoid seeing the silhouette of my misshapen body. And yes, food was my refuge throughout the first half of my life.

    When I started grad school, I finally reached my lowest point, and decided to throw myself into my studies and I just stopped eating. OK, I didn't starve myself, but damn near. I also started working out by swimming. The combination of dieting and exercise helped me drop 70 pounds. But that's not the end of the story. That was 20 years ago, and I'm sorry to say that my struggle with my weight is still a daily factor that shapes my habits and choices.

    As other members of RJ can attest, amazing results can be achieved with a lot of hard work and constant maintenance. I am just an example of a guy who's keeping his head above water (for the most part) in the fight against fat.

    Finally and most importantly, always stay on your medications, and continue to keep the lines of communication open with your treating physician, especially if you are having thoughts of self-harm. You have your whole life ahead of you, at age 25. I think you've made an important and courageous first step with your post here. Please don't have unrealistic expectations; change and body transformation do not occur overnight. The best plan is to stay committed and focused on the future.

    Take care.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2013 9:12 PM GMT
    Baby steps my friend.
    Already made some big ones.
    few thousand guy's on here can't put a pic up.
    Yes, small gains or rather losses must be put in perspective.
    personally 5 pounds a week is too much, I'm happy with one; at one in a years time I'll be 52 pounds less.
    The biggest thing we did is STOP BUYING IT as in all the crap, rarely one carbohydrate has cross our threshold in almost a year.
    Yeah, I still eat those evil foods, when we go out, but I only need to loose one pound a week--sometimes it's nearly impossible to not loose more and if I really have to have that bag of chips or ice cream, I walk the four blocks to get it and it's the smaller size--funny thing, with exception of ice cream, by the time I get home I find I don't really want it anymore.

    an other motivating MOfo:
    http://www.realjock.com/MuscleComeBack

    good luck
  • MisterMisfit

    Posts: 5

    Feb 17, 2013 11:31 AM GMT
    I'm really encouraged by most of the responses here. I thought you guys were going to rail on me for being so "whiny" and "expecting responses." It's a bit difficult to come on this forum since I'm confronted with that picture of me every time. I also deal with a lot of envy when looking at all the beautiful members here.

    What's so frustrating for me is being unable to bridge the gap between what I know I need to do and doing it. I'm extremely knowledgeable on healthful eating but I still make poor choices all the time. I constantly feel unfulfilled with what I'm eating unless I eat a lot of it.

    I also have certain eating 'rituals' that make the whole eating experience more emotionally numbing for me. I usually distract myself visually and eat in isolation. Right at this very moment I'm craving something that is meaty, breaded and fried. It's very hard for me to not think about food all the time. Is this what it's like to be addicted to drugs?

    I feel like such a disgrace to the gay community. On the rare occasion that I do go to something gay-related, I feel like my appearance is reflecting negatively on my community.
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    Feb 17, 2013 2:48 PM GMT
    MisterMisfit said

    I feel like such a disgrace to the gay community. On the rare occasion that I do go to something gay-related, I feel like my appearance is reflecting negatively on my community.


    Just no. Please don't say that.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Feb 17, 2013 2:49 PM GMT
    no, but ask jmusc
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    MisterMisfit saidI'm at the heaviest weight in my life and couldn't be more unhappy. I've had emotional problems before but now they're compounded with obesity. I feel so ugly that it's preventing me from wanting to even go outside.


    my answer is u made yourself feel that way blocking yourself

    It would have been the same if martin luther had been oppressed thinking he was a black


    its just a mental illusion people have

    no one is perfect
    everyone has a beauty

    think of those who have no ears to listen , no eyes to see the beautiful world, no voice to speak , no brains to express
    make a change yourself
    being fat is no bad
    im a skinny boy (nomore) but my body never had fat & i always wanted it
    we are never satisfied with what we have

    ask your mom about it, she'll tell u how special u are to her & yes u are cute
    that should be enough now
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Feb 17, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    MisterMisfit saidI'm really encouraged by most of the responses here. I thought you guys were going to rail on me for being so "whiny" and "expecting responses." It's a bit difficult to come on this forum since I'm confronted with that picture of me every time. I also deal with a lot of envy when looking at all the beautiful members here.

    What's so frustrating for me is being unable to bridge the gap between what I know I need to do and doing it. I'm extremely knowledgeable on healthful eating but I still make poor choices all the time. I constantly feel unfulfilled with what I'm eating unless I eat a lot of it.

    I also have certain eating 'rituals' that make the whole eating experience more emotionally numbing for me. I usually distract myself visually and eat in isolation. Right at this very moment I'm craving something that is meaty, breaded and fried. It's very hard for me to not think about food all the time. Is this what it's like to be addicted to drugs?

    I feel like such a disgrace to the gay community. On the rare occasion that I do go to something gay-related, I feel like my appearance is reflecting negatively on my community.


    1. You don't have to shoulder the weight of "reflecting negatively on your community". We gays come in all shapes and sizes, and we are supposed to love and embrace everyone. Only your behavior affects your community, not your appearance.

    2. Based on your posts, I think you could really benefit from counseling. It might help with the issues you report having with food as well as work on the underlying self esteem deficit.

    3. It takes some time to see the results of hard work, especially when it comes to fitness and weight loss. If you're easily discouraged by lack of results, try to frame it for yourself as a positive lifestyle change, rather than a means to an end.