Don't Take the Abuse! You are to special to go through a abusive relationship!

  • PaMedic

    Posts: 65

    Oct 04, 2008 1:05 AM GMT
    A few months ago I was not working as a medic and enjoying a few nights at home, when I received a call from a very dear friend in tears because his partner had abused him.icon_eek.gif I ask him to leave there and come to my house so that I could check him over and be sure he was OK and talk about what he wanted to do.

    I had never put much thought into a gay man going to a polices station to report gay abuse. He was so concerned that the police would do nothing, spread his closet relationship to the community that would effect his family, work and life. He could not risk everything to report the abuse.

    The more I thought about it the more I understand this would be a great dilemma for any closet gay whose place of employment, public office, etc would react unkind to a gay working for the company let alone one plastered in the news for abuse.

    My friend came to me and wanted to know if I could give him some direction. I thought I would share with everyone because I know he is not the only one feeling this way. I hope that this is helpful if you are going through this

    First - Don't wait for anyone to intervene. GET OUT OF THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP; it will only get worse no matter how many promises your partner makes. We know that some people will feel that you deserve the abuse because you are gay, but these are the same people that feel you deserve HIV ad AIDS, hate crimes, and discrimination. What you need is someone that is sympathetic and understand to get you out of the relationship and to build yourself back up. Working on self worth and guidance.

    No one deserves a violent relationship just like no one deserves any of those other tragedies. You need loving, support, and a loving caring relationship, one where two people coexist with out violence, hate, and is nurturing.

    Refuse to accept violence from anyone, even if the attacker comes back later to say "I love you" Find support, Seek medical evaluation, and stay clear from further abuse. You are a very special and a wonderful person NEVER let anyone say you are not and most of all NEVER allow anyone to abuse you the second time.

    Hugs!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2008 3:56 PM GMT
    I am living the nightmare. I was lucky enough to have survived without serious or fatal injury. This time, he pinned me down and beat me on the back of the head with a metal ruler. I am thankful that this did not happen in the kitchen where he could have used a meat tenderizer or sauce pan.

    He was arrested and, calling me from jail the very next day. I obtained a Restraing Order, and he wrote me letters, had friends knocking on my door and calling me. He is in jail again, and awaiting trial.

    You are fighting for your life....these people DO NOT CHANGE.

    Get out while you can and never look back.

    No excuses ! He does not hit you because he is drunk, he does not hit you because you pissed him off. He is hitting you because he is an abuser.

    Help may not be readily available, don't give up in your search. If you need to talk, feel free to send me a message.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    I was living with a guy with a much higher sex drive than I had. He wanted sex on demand, often with little foreplay at unusual times and places. While that can certainly be fun at times, every day can become old.

    One day I simply said no, I had something else to do, and other things on my mind, just not in the mood. How about a little later, OK? I could gladly go for it then.

    He instantly became enraged in a way I had never seen before. He was much bigger & stronger than me, and he grabbed both my upper arms and started to shake me violently, while he screamed his demand that I agree.

    Now I knew I was cornered, and even though I had a few Army tricks that might have taken him out, that was more violence than I felt justified at that moment. And besides, if I failed or he recovered quickly, he'd prolly want to beat the hell out of me, and might succeed! But I'm never braver than when I'm cornered.

    Fortunately other Army techniques I have are the Command Voice, and the ability to mask my fear. I looked him square in the eye, and ordered him to take his hands off me, voice firm but not very raised, in a deadly cool manner, like it was me in charge, not him. He released me, but continued to rant.

    I left the house and said I'd return later when he had calmed down. When I did come back and noticed my arms still hurting, I rolled up my shirt sleeves and found blood bruises where he had held me.

    I showed him the marks and he was apologetic, his rage gone. He tried to blame his lost temper on me, for my being difficult. I told him a recurrence would instantly end our relationship, because I would not live under the threat of physical abuse.

    That was a lie. I had already decided to leave him, because physical abuse is a line, once crossed with me, you cannot retrace.

    For the moment I was only buying myself time until I could better arrange my departure, though I was prepared to leave without any notice if indeed he became violent again. I left 2 months later when another place became available.

    I simply won't tolerate physically abusive relationships. Never have, never will. And neither should anyone else.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 04, 2008 8:56 PM GMT
    This goes under the radar for the most part and PaMedic is right

    If someone puts a hand on you you get out of that situation

    ... no Oh he'll change
    or he's really a good guy at heart

    because if you stay you are becoming part of that Dynamic
    and there is NO excuse



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2008 9:10 PM GMT
    I was lucky enough to get out of a relationship that was headed that way, but not smart enough to get out sooner. Kid has serious anger issues (and a drinking problem) and about six months into the relationship, in an argument in public, he tried to take a swing at me. Never connected, but I should've taken the hint. Unfortunately, it took me almost the better part of a year to notice the red flags and decide "this time I'm breaking up and staying broken up with him." Kid is still trying to get his stupid vengeance (six months later, it's pretty sad and annoying) but at least I'm out of that snake pit.

    During one of our last arguments over the phone, he said "What makes your life so special that you get to make this kind of decision?" and a lightbulb went on: it's my life.

    Do what you know is right for you. If you're in a bad situation, get out. Easier said than done, definitely, but you have to do it. I definitely understand how gay guys don't always get the help they might need when they're in this type of spot, I was there.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 04, 2008 9:22 PM GMT
    Hey Brad, thanks for your very insightful thread.... knowing you as I do, your time and effort regarding this only bolsters my huge respect for you.

    Thanks for sharing that and I hope many here read and take your encouragement into account.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 04, 2008 9:24 PM GMT
    pdxor saidI am living the nightmare. I was lucky enough to have survived without serious or fatal injury.

    You are fighting for your life....these people DO NOT CHANGE.

    Get out while you can and never look back.



    Pdxor, sorry you have had to endure such a challenging situation. Our thoughts are certainly with you... and glad that you have come through it so well!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    TO all of you dealing with this, PLEASE get HELP QUICK!! This is absolutely unacceptable behavior for anyone to bestow upon anyone else as well as unacceptable behavior for anyone to continue to receive ANY type of abuse!!

    My ex, towards the very end of our relationship, would get in to VERY heated arguments. He would deliberately get in my face and say ALL kinds of NASTY things to me, pushing me until ONE day, if it wasn't for my brother intervening and pinning my Ex to the wall, I would have SERIOUSLY laid him out BAD!!!
    I grew up seeing my Mother being abused by my biological Father as well as him physically abusing me as well, and I tell you, I NEVER want to experience that EVER again and NEVER want to know that anyone near and dear to me is experiencing the same abuse!!! It still HURTS!!!

    To those who escaped, CONGRATULATIONS!!! I know it wasn't easy however you did it and now I'm sure your life is MUCH BETTER!!

    Men, take care of yourselves!!!!
  • ScotXY

    Posts: 117

    Oct 04, 2008 10:48 PM GMT
    my last relationship that was 5 years long was abusive and ended up with me escaping with my life bruised ribs and 8 broken teath and $130 to my name clothes off my back and one friend on telephone from Colorado.

    I'm telling you its not worth it ever. I remember sitting around at coffee shop with my friends back in the day ... of all the things no way in hell I would ever put up with. Funny how you fall into waht you Never wanted or would allow till u are so deep in it.

    Seriously I pulled away with no family and 89 ford escort i slept in drove 50 miles to Nashville and just restarted my life from little.

    anyone can make it happen you do it for you and make it happen GET OUT.

  • treader

    Posts: 238

    Oct 04, 2008 11:22 PM GMT
    Yes, unfortunately this happens more than you think. There's very few resources to help guys. We're very lucky here in Massachusetts to have the The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project here. Not sure if they have other branchs but there's certainly a need.
  • ScotXY

    Posts: 117

    Oct 04, 2008 11:38 PM GMT
    I started talking to LCSW
    and he showed me this

    http://www.mcadsv.org/task_forces/lbgtiq/glbt_wheel.pdf

    and well
    Im tell you it was eye opening. Sad thing I sued to help people in bad situations back home in colorado when i was volunteer with GLB Community Center. We never used the wheel of power.

    But Now When I saw it. It made a lot things become real clear.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2008 7:02 PM GMT
    novembermike saidUnfortunately, it took me almost the better part of a year to notice the red flags and decide "this time I'm breaking up and staying broken up with him." Kid is still trying to get his stupid vengeance (six months later, it's pretty sad and annoying) but at least I'm out of that snake pit.


    I wonder if residual anger & vengeance is common with abusers? When I left that guy who put bruises on my arms (story above), my next place wasn't very far away. He'd continue to nag me for dates, even walk into my place uninvited. One morning he woke me up getting into bed with me!

    When I told him I'd started dating someone else he began bad-mouthing the guy as not being right for me. When we became partners he tried to break us up. He didn't succeed. But to this day, 6 years later, he's still trying to make trouble for me, by sabotaging the friendships I've tried to maintain since leaving that part of the country.

    Has anyone else noticed if this is a pattern with abusers? Is being a Control Freak part of their problem?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 3:46 PM GMT
    novembermike saidI was lucky enough to get out of a relationship that was headed that way, but not smart enough to get out sooner. Kid has serious anger issues (and a drinking problem) and about six months into the relationship, in an argument in public, he tried to take a swing at me. Never connected, but I should've taken the hint. Unfortunately, it took me almost the better part of a year to notice the red flags and decide "this time I'm breaking up and staying broken up with him." Kid is still trying to get his stupid vengeance (six months later, it's pretty sad and annoying) but at least I'm out of that snake pit.

    During one of our last arguments over the phone, he said "What makes your life so special that you get to make this kind of decision?" and a lightbulb went on: it's my life.

    Do what you know is right for you. If you're in a bad situation, get out. Easier said than done, definitely, but you have to do it. I definitely understand how gay guys don't always get the help they might need when they're in this type of spot, I was there.


    I knew this couple and Mike isn't totally blameless. When was drunk one night when he beat the crap out of his ex,,, but because he 'doesnt remember' it therefore didnt happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 11:21 PM GMT
    Odd that this thread would become active again today. I just came from the court house. My ex was contesting the renewal of the restraining order. The judge granted a renewal in its entirety. I am greatful for the ruling.

    Just feeling really down right now. Even when its over, it isn't over.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    pitbullguyNormally I wouldn't feel comfortable divulging something like this to 'strangers' but I was there and had vowed I would do anything possible to help anyone I could in the future. Hopefully some of this helps anyone that is either directly or indirectly involved in this kind of relationship.


    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. And thank you to everyone else too. I've been in a relationship that I felt was headed in a bad direction so I got out before things could escalate. My ex was controlling, kind of manipulative, he was emotionally abusive and when I'd confront him, he'd just play dumb. I had some serious self esteem issues, but he ate me right up. I'm not sure if things would've gotten physical, but I can definitely see how things could've escalated.

    I've always wondered about red flag behaviors for others that may not have been given much thought at the get go. Things such as being a bit controlling, demanding, co-dependent, a little too sweet and charming, etc.