Falling for someone who fools around

  • SeattleGreenl...

    Posts: 124

    Feb 15, 2013 7:35 AM GMT
    I'd rather not fall for someone who tells me he isn't seeing anyone else and then find out shortly after that he is seeing a lot of someone elses.... How do you guard yourself from that? Or, is it just wishful thinking? How do you know who to trust?
  • MN_daily

    Posts: 6

    Feb 15, 2013 7:51 AM GMT
    I guess trust wont come out of nowhere unless you know this person well enough. In this sense, you need time. Just my opinion...there might be shortcut on this, but i kinda doubt it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 15, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    How do you know anything about anyone? I was a banker for 30 years lending hundreds of millions to guys who just walked in my door. Sure, there were some external places I could check up on some parts of his story but in the end, I mostly just talked to the guy, looked at whatever there was to look at, and made a judgement call as to whether or not his story made sense. Did it add up? Were there any unexplainable red flags? What did my instincts tell me? You might as well ask "How do I know that guy walking toward me on the sidewalk isn't going to pull out a knife and stab me?" Just use your judgement, don't let your dick guide your thinking, and be a trusting, honest guy. Expect the best of people and shake your head and smile when you've been had. Life's too short.
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    Feb 15, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    SeattleGreenlake saidI'd rather not fall for someone who tells me he isn't seeing anyone else and then find out shortly after that he is seeing a lot of someone elses.... How do you guard yourself from that? Or, is it just wishful thinking? How do you know who to trust?

    Besides the obvious sign "him dropping someone else for you" you don't have much to go on. That said, hope for the best, treat him with respect and always give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. You don't want your "suspicion" to drive away a guy who isn't playing the field. Unwarranted suspicion is not only clingy, it's definitely unattractive in a mate.

    That said, if he does stray, you pick yourself up, dust off your pride, give thanks for your own integrity, and kick his ass to the curb icon_smile.gif

    tl;dr better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
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    Feb 15, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    Unless he puts a ring on it, he's free to see other guys.

    But make sure you get their names and SS#.... icon_twisted.gif
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    Feb 15, 2013 6:42 PM GMT
    a ring doesn't really solve shit....


    the follow up to this question is: "how do you get over it, when someone betrays you?"

    and i think the answer to that one....

    the same way you do in the beginning....you are the only one you can count on to be their forever, because you are the only one who never has the option to leave..... so prioritize accordingly.... don't tell anyone sell you any pie in the sky picket fence bullshit...because they want to feel more comfortable when gay people are all domesticated....the push for that domestication was the direct result of dehumanizing lack of civil rights.... not a lack of consumers for shop at ikea as a couple and waste their disposable income together


    sorry...end rant
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    Feb 15, 2013 9:56 PM GMT
    Such a bummer when you meet some guy who has a great personality and lots in common, but then he proudly drops the bomb about dipping his stick three times a day with various FWB...lol.
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    Feb 15, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERESuch a bummer when you meet some guy who has a great personality and lots in common, but then he proudly drops the bomb about dipping his stick three times a day with various FWB...lol.E


    So very true...just went through that myself....but he was honest about it, guess that counts for something. But it does suck.
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    Feb 15, 2013 11:40 PM GMT
    It just takes time and experience. Sorry to hear that the guy wasn't honest with you.
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    Feb 17, 2013 3:10 PM GMT
    You can't control someone's actions unless you're with him 24 hours a day. And even if you were together 24 hours a day, he could find ways to trick you if he wanted to. People who want to cheat will cheat regardless of the consequences, and they're immensely resourceful/ingenious. There's no surefire way to protect yourself, but nothing in the world is guaranteed. You can't put yourself in a cocoon because you're afraid to fall in love with someone who might cheat. We all drive knowing the risks out there, but the risks don't stop us from driving. They're called calculated risks, and you can apply the same principle to your love life.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Feb 17, 2013 5:42 PM GMT
    SeattleGreenlake saidI'd rather not fall for someone who tells me he isn't seeing anyone else and then find out shortly after that he is seeing a lot of someone elses.... How do you guard yourself from that? Or, is it just wishful thinking? How do you know who to trust?


    Don't give up so easily my friend! there is a secret weapon or plenty other types of ammunition that can help you keep your guard up, as well as it has worked for me, and those of us who have never ever being cheated or are tempted by it! the gun that holds the ammunition, metaphorically speaking, is within reach of one's own solid sets of values: this being my secret weapon!!

    First of all,we all have had skeletons in the closet, no matter how slutty or decent anyone may come across to you, or in telling you what they are or are not!? God knows I've had my share of both! but unlike most I have never ever allow neither one of these extremes to dictate and fully control my destiny or my life. The only way one can truly see or weigh the benefits and differences of who is or what is good or bad, is to temporarily give in to them! you know all my life I kept hearing time and time again, like a broken record, of how disastrous or constructive the choices we made can make or break us. But in reality the good and bad influences are there for us to either allow it to use us, or in my case to manipulate it, or control it to my own benefit; as in the added benefits it has given my own personal growth. At the end of the day those things I let have control over me, dictate my destiny, choices, or successes in life,in time eventually falls under my control without no trace of me ever having control over them!!

    WARNING: be ready to face any consequences of your actions as lessons to be learned, and not necessarily as a punishment or a reward for that matter! I am at a crossroad in my life where I am fully aware what I may perceive as good isn't necessarily good, or what is bad isn't necessarily to be a bad thing!? I just used them to my own benefit, and if I fail the better, because every failure or mistake I've made it has help me become a better person.

    The same can be said when someone is dishonest or in your case cheats on you! sometimes it isn't so much all their fault as partial as yours is too!? it takes two to tangle you know! the fact that some of us aren't aware of the tell signs, this becomes part of what I like to call "shared cheating" in my own experiences with this unconscious refusal to acknowledge such, I have learned, unfortunately after the fact, that it was my own fault for not having enough balls to hold on to my own set of values, or simply by not paying much attention to my gut feeling! more often then not a lot of gay men tend to be "followers" then being "leaders" of their own lives, but instead prefer to be slaves/followers to the image or personification of what it is like to be gay, in accord to the views of a few leaders within our community, who they themselves have no idea of how the majority of gays live their lives; when in fact one who speaks for the community DOES NOT speak or represent the values of each one individual. Sadly most gay men prefer to hear the pulse of their Penis and not the pulse of their hearts! as it is often misrepresented in countless mainstream venues within our Gay community. But none of this means it should apply to YOU!! and last a word to the wise: Please keep in mind to ALWAYS be conscientious of people's feelings, because no one has the right to knowingly do harm or hurt anyone else's; and believe me it doesn't require much intelligence to know that. Even the most ignorant know the difference between what is good or bad!!

    Leandro

  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Feb 17, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    1) would this be when just dating, or when monogamous?
    2) would this bother you? Why?
  • SeattleGreenl...

    Posts: 124

    Feb 18, 2013 5:09 AM GMT
    Medjai, When monogamous.
    Why would it bother me? Because trust was broken and it is, in a sense, a rejection.
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    Feb 19, 2013 4:28 AM GMT
    Just went through that with a 10-year relationship myself. It was devastating when I found out and more painful than anything I have been through before. I kind of suspected it, but chose to trust him -- to my folly.

    Afterward, I found myself asking the same question about guarding myself in the future and decided I don't want to be on guard. You just gotta take a chance if you want to find something more in life -- at least as far as I can see. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to be on "guard" against dishonesty. I will take the chance again -- and maybe I'll be hurt again -- but I'll never find what I'm looking for if I prevent myself from being in a trusting relationship.

    Here's to suckers like us!
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    Feb 19, 2013 4:30 AM GMT
    Friends. With. Benefits.