Afraid of love...

  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Feb 16, 2013 1:34 AM GMT
    I know it's super cliche, but now I'm starting to understand. Everytime I meet a guy, even if I really like him, the amount of work I let myself put into the relationship is always equal or less than the other guy.

    Part of me worries that, since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat or not return my affections... sigh.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Feb 16, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    It's statistically proven. Historically it may be society's fault for steering gays toward a culture of hookups, but doesn't make it not true.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Feb 16, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    highforthis saidI know it's super cliche, but now I'm starting to understand. Everytime I meet a guy, even if I really like him, the amount of work I put into the relationship is always equal or less than the other guy.

    Part of me worries that, since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat or not return my affections... sigh.


    Forget about how others may react or not on how much you put into the relationship!? if they don't respond to your satisfactions or expectations then just move on to another who probably has being waiting for someone like you to share same! I used to think that all gay men were slutty, but as I've gotten older and wiser, for reasons I can't yet explain as of lately, I tend to attract the emotionally available, committed types of gay men! I am virtually non-existent or allergic to the slutty kinds anyway, and it doesn't bother me the least!! sweetie never ever settle for less. After having said all that please try not to fall victim of expectations either, because at the end of the day every potential lover/mate are a lot like us then we like to admit!

    Leandro
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Feb 16, 2013 2:15 AM GMT
    highforthis saidIt's statistically proven. Historically it may be society's fault for steering gays toward a culture of hookups, but doesn't make it not true.


    That's like saying ____ racial group is uneducated.
    Sure. Statistically ____ racial group may have less education than ____ racial group. But you're not dating a class of people (I imagine). You're dating individuals.

    If you're unable to find individuals who are "not slutty" (or whatever ridiculous slut shaming stereotypes you're working with) then that's on you buddy.
    I've dated many men (and women). I've never once had been cheated on nor have I cheated on anyone else. It's never even been an issue.

    (Mind you, re: the anecdotes of my experiences: they were open relationships. Perhaps too slutty for you. But they were intense, committed, and powerful relationships. And if traditional monogamy is your thing I know plenty of examples of that working gay and straight. If you've got trust issues though... well don't expect that to attract people deserving of trust... Honestly, if I were ever cheated on my first concern would be for my partner and our relationship. What's going on in their lives or our communication. Your first concern seems to be you: that you're being cheated on...)
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    Feb 16, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    Lots of people are afraid of love. Giving it, receving it. It's a human thing. Not a sexual orientation thing. I deal with fear when it comes to my lovers or my friends or my family.

    And it sounds like you're afraid of being met halfway. Which is okay. Everyone is afraid sometimes. But if you give up working really hard, though, and being the best you can be....you'll just end up like all these individual you say are afraid of love.

    To quote Alanis: "I recommend getting your heart trampled on by anyone." Mm, love me some Jagged Little Pill. Anywho. My stupid 22 y/o 2 cents.
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    Feb 16, 2013 2:38 AM GMT
    You seem to be too young to be this cynical.
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    Feb 16, 2013 4:10 AM GMT
    I've always been very cynical about this as well. But you have to trust and believe.

    I always get very suspicious about my partner's behavior and find myself in this frantic, "what-if" thought process.

    Then I tell myself "stop"

    If a guy is going to cheat he's going to cheat, that doesn't mean you should withhold a guys love from you. And once you find out (because the odds are you will, or the relationship wont work out for some other "reason") then kick him to the curb.

    Unfortunately in some cases you can't stop the wind.

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    Feb 16, 2013 4:13 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    highforthis saidIt's statistically proven. Historically it may be society's fault for steering gays toward a culture of hookups, but doesn't make it not true.

    If you believe it, it's true for you....and that's what matters. Thankfully I'm not limited by your beliefs. icon_wink.gif


    And if you ever waver, let me know so I can give you a good slapping to snap out of it. icon_wink.gif
  • SinfulWays

    Posts: 542

    Feb 16, 2013 4:25 AM GMT
    highforthis saidI know it's super cliche, but now I'm starting to understand. Everytime I meet a guy, even if I really like him, the amount of work I let myself put into the relationship is always equal or less than the other guy.
    Part of me worries that, since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat or not return my affections... sigh.

    You just haven't met me YET!!! Kisses....
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    Feb 16, 2013 4:40 AM GMT
    highforthis saidI know it's super cliche, but now I'm starting to understand. Everytime I meet a guy, even if I really like him, the amount of work I let myself put into the relationship is always equal or less than the other guy.

    Part of me worries that, since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat or not return my affections... sigh.


    You aren't afraid of love. You're projecting the idea of what gay men "are" and applying it to every relation you start with a guy. You're afraid of hurting yourself, or to get out of your comfort zone, but I woudn't say that you are afraid of love.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Feb 16, 2013 4:52 AM GMT
    highforthis saidI know it's super cliche, but now I'm starting to understand. Everytime I meet a guy, even if I really like him, the amount of work I let myself put into the relationship is always equal or less than the other guy.

    Part of me worries that, since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat or not return my affections... sigh.
    The what if's will kill ya every time...Go in and expect nothing...if the love is for real...The means will be well worth it.
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    Feb 16, 2013 6:30 AM GMT
    Some of us are not confident in being loved.
    Anything from a negative family upbringing to being cheated on by somebody in their lives years ago caused them to not trust anymore.
    It takes a strong and loyal person to keep being by their side to make them see they are deserving of the love they seek.

  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Feb 16, 2013 9:46 AM GMT
    GigoloAssassin saidSome of us are not confident in being loved.
    Anything from a negative family upbringing to being cheated on by somebody in their lives years ago caused them to not trust anymore.
    It takes a strong and loyal person to keep being by their side to make them see they are deserving of the love they seek.




    It is not the responsibility of the person you are with to make sure you feel loved and wanted in the world... per say. If you go into a relationship feeling like you aren't deserving of true love and feeling like the person you're with is just gonna hurt you in the end. You obviously shouldn't be in ANY relationship, until you can fully understand and appreciate yourself. It's not your partners responsibility to teach you how to love and accept yourself.

    Whatever happened to you in a previous relationship or your family life, is irrelevant when you're in a relationship. It's hard to love someone when they don't love or trust themselves or me for that matter. If you start a relationship with "he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be with me, he's gonna cheat on me..." then I'm not surprised when he fits your expectation of him because you pushed him away from the start, labeling him as a "bad man".

    Figure yourself out first before getting into a relationship with someone. Nobody is perfect but acknowledging YOUR flaws first is a good starting point to help you realize that it's okay to love others and have value for your relationships. Because if you don't value it, why should he?

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    Feb 16, 2013 12:04 PM GMT
    neosyllogy said
    highforthis saidIt's statistically proven. Historically it may be society's fault for steering gays toward a culture of hookups, but doesn't make it not true.


    That's like saying ____ racial group is uneducated.
    Sure. Statistically ____ racial group may have less education than ____ racial group. But you're not dating a class of people (I imagine). You're dating individuals.

    If you're unable to find individuals who are "not slutty" (or whatever ridiculous slut shaming stereotypes you're working with) then that's on you buddy.
    I've dated many men (and women). I've never once had been cheated on nor have I cheated on anyone else. It's never even been an issue.

    (Mind you, re: the anecdotes of my experiences: they were open relationships. Perhaps too slutty for you. But they were intense, committed, and powerful relationships. And if traditional monogamy is your thing I know plenty of examples of that working gay and straight. If you've got trust issues though... well don't expect that to attract people deserving of trust... Honestly, if I were ever cheated on my first concern would be for my partner and our relationship. What's going on in their lives or our communication. Your first concern seems to be you: that you're being cheated on...)


    nicely said
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    Feb 16, 2013 12:08 PM GMT
    My exbf once cheated on me, well he did something stupid while being a little drunk, but I loved him so much that I forgave him the moment he told me.
    So maybe you should trust the guy more and worry less. And tell him that you trust him! ( If nothing else it will put a pressure on him icon_biggrin.gif )
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    Feb 16, 2013 12:52 PM GMT
    highforthis said
    Part of me worries that, since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat or not return my affections... sigh.


    You'll never know what's on the other side of the door unless you open it & sees it by yourself!
    What I mean is, not all are slutty or superficial etc.,. there are good guys too...
    So, don't come to conclusions before starting an experiment...

    Just like a Schrodinger's Cat


    Watch it, you'll enjoy icon_smile.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 16, 2013 1:34 PM GMT
    Don't let yourself become jaded at age 22 over your perceptions here. For many guys, the whole gay scene is new and exciting......many aren't interested (or lets say its "overwhelmed" by the "candy" out there) and don't think about one guy many times.

    That does change a bit with time. Don't give up, there will be some awesome guys out there that are willing to focus on just you!
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    Feb 16, 2013 2:07 PM GMT
    Great thread - It goes to prove that as unique individuals not gays we can personally define who we are, what we are about and definitely what we want for ourselves and our future.

    The truth of the matter is that most gay men aren't part of the "scene" or "culture" they are doctors, lawyers, counselors, teachers, policemen, and utility workers. They are ministers, chaplains, social workers, the guy that bags your groceries at the store, your neighbor, your mechanic, and the guy next to you at yoga class or church. Gay men are also responsible parents, PTA members, youth coaches, Big Brothers, and volunteers at the local soup kitchen.

    Reality is gay men are no different than straight men and deep down want the same thing "love". Are there gay men that are "slutty"? Yes of course there are, but the same is true of straight men. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with a man's character or heart. Apart from factors beyond our control like upbringing, and the impact of our childhood wether good or bad, we can choose to be the kind of men we want to be. You want to be courageous? Do courageous things, you want to be an honorable and integrity-centered man? Make and keep promises, to both others and yourself. You want to be a loving and compassionate man? Well love deeply and freely give of yourself to others. If your not feeling love in your life, chances are you don't know how to give it. Your never to young or old to be the man you want to be. I'm amazed that in my forties that I can be the best athlete I've ever been just by investing in my health. Eating right, exercising and training are transforming me into the athlete I want to be. The same can be said of the heart and mind, if you invest deeply and train in these areas you will never worry about your professional, social or emotional life as you will always get a return on your investment in these areas.

    In my opinion you are not afraid of love, you are afraid you won't find the love you are looking for. This fear isn't a bad thing if you allow it to shape your actions. Don't be in a rush to find your "soul-mate", find yourself first, as one of the posters mentioned they now attract the kind of men they are after. Develop your character in addition to your heart and you will attract to yourself the kind of men that have the potential of a life long partner and husband. I also recommend not treating sex casually if you are, studies have shown that the more casual you are to sex the more unlikely you are to know, experience or have a deep loving relationship. Sex might be good but love (real love) is so much better!

    I don't know where you have been meeting guys but you are likely to find quality guys doing quality things. For me personally I know I will meet "Mr. Right" either serving others through his profession, the local soup kitchen or my church. I may even meet him at a future running meet or poetry reading, but I know I won't meet him on Grindr, CL, or the local scene.

    Hang in there man, and don't set your standards low or settle for less. At the same time remember you can never have too many friends and you can at least make those on the road to finding "true love" if you learn how to "love".
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    Feb 16, 2013 2:14 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    highforthis said...since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat.....

    Yeah, a lot of foreveralones say that kinda shit. icon_rolleyes.gif Must be awful knowing you belong to such a horrible group of people. icon_lol.gif


    Be nice to him. He's young and still learning about the give-and-take of relationships. And he does have a point. You can't deny that it's tough out there. icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 16, 2013 3:08 PM GMT
    Trust is a tricky faucet. Trust too much and you open yourself to get burned. Don't trust enough and you close yourself off to love.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 17, 2013 12:45 AM GMT
    neosyllogy said
    highforthis saidIt's statistically proven. Historically it may be society's fault for steering gays toward a culture of hookups, but doesn't make it not true.


    That's like saying ____ racial group is uneducated.
    Sure. Statistically ____ racial group may have less education than ____ racial group. But you're not dating a class of people (I imagine). You're dating individuals.

    If you're unable to find individuals who are "not slutty" (or whatever ridiculous slut shaming stereotypes you're working with) then that's on you buddy.
    I've dated many men (and women). I've never once had been cheated on nor have I cheated on anyone else. It's never even been an issue.

    (Mind you, re: the anecdotes of my experiences: they were open relationships. Perhaps too slutty for you. But they were intense, committed, and powerful relationships. And if traditional monogamy is your thing I know plenty of examples of that working gay and straight. If you've got trust issues though... well don't expect that to attract people deserving of trust... Honestly, if I were ever cheated on my first concern would be for my partner and our relationship. What's going on in their lives or our communication. Your first concern seems to be you: that you're being cheated on...)


    Only gays would refer to "traditional monogamy" in a i-guess-that's-cool-too context, as opposed to uh, what's normal.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 17, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    Yourname200 Only an idiot would conflate what's "normal" for heterosexuals for what's "normal" for gays. Shall we menstruate, too? Lesbians like to scissor, apparently....should gays do that too....so we can be "normal"? 


    Scissoring is the new secret handshake for bottoms.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 17, 2013 1:22 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    whytehot said
    neosyllogy said
    highforthis saidIt's statistically proven. Historically it may be society's fault for steering gays toward a culture of hookups, but doesn't make it not true.


    That's like saying ____ racial group is uneducated.
    Sure. Statistically ____ racial group may have less education than ____ racial group. But you're not dating a class of people (I imagine). You're dating individuals.

    If you're unable to find individuals who are "not slutty" (or whatever ridiculous slut shaming stereotypes you're working with) then that's on you buddy.
    I've dated many men (and women). I've never once had been cheated on nor have I cheated on anyone else. It's never even been an issue.

    (Mind you, re: the anecdotes of my experiences: they were open relationships. Perhaps too slutty for you. But they were intense, committed, and powerful relationships. And if traditional monogamy is your thing I know plenty of examples of that working gay and straight. If you've got trust issues though... well don't expect that to attract people deserving of trust... Honestly, if I were ever cheated on my first concern would be for my partner and our relationship. What's going on in their lives or our communication. Your first concern seems to be you: that you're being cheated on...)


    Only gays would refer to "traditional monogamy" in a i-guess-that's-cool-too context, as opposed to uh, what's normal.

    Only an idiot would conflate what's "normal" for heterosexuals for what's "normal" for gays. Shall we menstruate, too? Lesbians like to scissor, apparently....should gays do that too....so we can be "normal"? icon_rolleyes.gif


    You've pretty much confirmed OP's worst fears. Monogamy... normal for straights, not for gays.
  • PolaroidSwing...

    Posts: 1131

    Feb 17, 2013 2:11 AM GMT
    BlkMuscleGent said
    yourname2000 said
    highforthis said...since gays are slutty, their affections are not real, and any minute they'd cheat.....

    Yeah, a lot of foreveralones say that kinda shit. icon_rolleyes.gif Must be awful knowing you belong to such a horrible group of people. icon_lol.gif


    Be nice to him. He's young and still learning about the give-and-take of relationships. And he does have a point. You can't deny that it's tough out there. icon_cool.gif


    Eh.
    Not all of us younger people feel so superior.
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    Feb 17, 2013 2:12 AM GMT
    Wait...I'm a foreveralone because I believe in monogamy?!