BOUNDARIES or BARRIERS?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2013 10:19 PM GMT
    [color=indigo][size=11]In a modern world where more and more countries are learning to admit to, expand and protect the rights of gay men to exist as equals among men, it is easy to believe we have arrived. Yet, in our personal lives, many of us continue to struggle with our relationships - particularly when it relates to how we perceive and establish boundaries.

    For many of us, the need to be free and out meant challenging all conventions of western society: Why be monogamous, when you can have an 'open' relationship and have "fun"? What's the big deal if your partner or boyfriend flirts on social media or exchanges nude pics with other guys? After all, as long as there's no physical contact, it doesn't matter, does it? Aren't you being possessive if you object to your boyfriend's nipples being pinched or his ass groped by club pals or at a party?

    For many, as free-thinking, sexually liberated gay men, these are minor things and those who object are either possessive, dependent, controlling or too caught up in morals and values (yes - those controversial words within the LGBT community *gasp*). I would encourage my gay brothers and cousins who want love, stability and a healthy home to ponder a different perspective - the necessity of boundaries as opposed to barriers in your personal life.

    A boundary need not be a barrier. I won't bore you all with dictionary definitions to validate this distinction. I will simply say that boundaries establish a point of demarcation between two zones of different character while barriers not only establish zones, but also keep people/animals/things in or out.

    With this in mind, I would urge those who seek love and stability to ask themselves what boundaries they have established for themselves, for their partners and for their relationship as a unit. You cannot dabble in "open flings" once in a while and be surprised when it has a negative impact on the emotional balance of your relationship. You cannot strip naked readily on cam for strangers and then wonder why your sex-life doesn't feel quite as fulfilling when you hold your partner close to you at night. You cannot whine about "growing apart" if the only time you do anything together outside the bedroom is when you go to the club, to gay pride (looking at everyone else the whole time) or to a party. Relationships, like everything else, require boundaries - agreed distance between yourselves and others when it comes to certain behaviours. As an individual in a monogamous relationship, you must ensure that you avoid all negative distractions and influences that can alter how you see and interact with your mate. As an individual in a monogamous relationship, you must also be mindful of what you condone
    from your mate. If you don't object to something you really find distasteful or something you both agreed would be a no-no, you can't turn around and cry victim and betrayal when your BF has graduated from virtual treats to some live-and-in-person fun from all the over-stimulation and the exposure to a wide network of options. Mind you, the options are always out there. There are statistically hundreds of millions of gay men on this pretty planet of ours. So, yes: we all know there's another dick or ass; another pair of pecs or another bubble butt around the corner. The difference is: did you or did you not facilitate your own partner's straying? Did you discuss boundaries at all or did you sit in silence and hope that he would somehow know them? We're not in Twilight, folks. Alice won't suddenly tune in and tell us what Edward is thinking. You owe it to your relationship, to your partner and to yourself to discuss these things OPENLY and HONESTLY.

    Boundaries, I believe, are healthy. They establish a clear space with agreed guidelines of conduct. Within that space, there can be mutual respect, respect for the other and respect for self. All three elements require boundaries. You must establish the ones you know you need for yourself, the ones you know you would like of your partner (to which he must agree before they are "enforcable") and boundaries you both sit down and agree to as a pair. If you know you find Luke super sexy and you get hard whenever you imagine burying your face in the crack of his ass, a good boundary might be to never visit Luke at his house alone or never have him over without your other half there. This isn't a matter of lack of self-control. This is the recognition that we're all human, we all have desires and impulses, and while we can't help what we feel, we can help what we DO based on the decisions we've made. So, if you choose to go over by Luke's when you know what might happen, HELL YES you're responsible for the "accident" that was never accidental! If you claim you're in a monogamous relationship, but both decide to make out with a mutual friend you both like "just once", YES: I will laugh at you and call you a dumb ass if you find out in five months that your boyfriend is suddenly "in love" with the novelty of Andrew's ass or dick! What did you expect? That he would mechanically forget Andrew's scent or how much better Andrew does that certain thing you love so much?

    The reality is that love is delicate and relationships are even more delicate because of the variables that affect them - work, family, health, boredom from routine... There are so many things to pull you off your shared path. Why on earth would you willingly ADD other variables to the equation and still expect the outcome you want? That, gay brothers and cousins, is just stupid. If you want a monogamous relationship and you truly love your partner, you will develop, implement and protect the boundaries that matter to you both.

    Boundaries aren't barriers. They keep no one in and lock no one out. Boundaries simply define what happens where and what happens if something happens. It establishes accountability, responsibility and, surprisingly, FREEDOM, because once you know you're acting within the boundaries, you can forget about risks and be confident in doing what is right. You don't get to violate your partner's privacy by searching cellphones and emails when you know he's only doing what you both agreed to be acceptable. On the other hand, those who don't believe in boundaries, shouldn't accept them! They have a right not to, but they don't get to complain about being hurt, disappointed or confused when they don't get the results they wanted. In short, as grandma always said - you can't have your ass and eat it. Well, I modified it a little but you got the point. icon_smile.gif

    Try designating some boundaries individually and together. You might be surprised how much easier it is to love each other and sustain your shared goals as a couple, once you do. Good luck! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2013 10:32 PM GMT


    Giving this a bump because I enjoyed reading it. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2013 12:20 AM GMT
    Did not read this mess, but I did smoke pot today"
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    Feb 19, 2013 4:09 AM GMT
    Ditto to the 3rd and 4th sentences of the fifth paragraph as well as the 9th sentence of the sixth paragraph, absent the adverbials.
  • RollDontWalk

    Posts: 187

    Feb 23, 2013 4:53 PM GMT
    I enjoyed reading it, thanks for posting.

    I don't get it when people who choose not to read a post then tell us they didn't. Do you think the rest of us care or something? Just stay quiet and move along you are not contributing anything.
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    Feb 23, 2013 5:32 PM GMT
    RollDontWalk saidI enjoyed reading it, thanks for posting.

    I don't get it when people who choose not to read a post then tell us they didn't. Do you think the rest of us care or something? Just stay quiet and move along you are not contributing anything.

    This
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 23, 2013 6:16 PM GMT
    Ok. I'll bite. I feel compelled to respond because it seems you read my post on Fuzzypecs' thread. And, yes, I did read your whole post.

    It is a valiant defense you make for monogamy. But the barriers you speak of seem nothing but constraints to me. Your definition of monogamy is nothing more than domestication. Like putting a leash on a dog. Your definition of a relationship involves control. And, I just don't agree with your relationship philosophy.

    Although you make good points (What if your lover starts to like Andrew's crack more?) your post time and again returns to control. Your post, in summary, also reeks of jealousy, which is a tremendously destructive emotion. So your partner now can't not only go to Andrew's house without your (controlling) company? But he also can't even admire an attractive man at a gay pride parade? So what other levels of sick, jealous control have you deviced? My guess is no internet porn. No contact with ex lovers. Not even acknowledging a celebrity is attractive. Men like you defend monogamy for the sake of their deep insecurity. You can't keep a man when there's competition, therefore, you must chain your man to you.

    No.. Thanks. I would prefer that my lover licks Andrew's crack, go to Gay Pride, and knows he wants to get banged by Hugh Jackman.. but by the end of the day, he comes back home to me because he values and respects my companionship. That he comes back to me on his own reconassaince. That I don't have to cage him, demonize him or reprehend him. He comes back to me on his own. That's the definition of a true loving relationship.
  • leonx

    Posts: 6

    Feb 28, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    my bf told me about this tread so i read it. to me, it's really reasonable and right. my bf and i did set up several boundaries before he left, maybe we would come up with some new ones. but i believe it would benefit us.
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    Feb 28, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidOk. I'll bite. I feel compelled to respond because it seems you read my post on Fuzzypecs' thread. And, yes, I did read your whole post.

    It is a valiant defense you make for monogamy. But the barriers you speak of seem nothing but constraints to me. Your definition of monogamy is nothing more than domestication. Like putting a leash on a dog. Your definition of a relationship involves control. And, I just don't agree with your relationship philosophy.

    Although you make good points (What if your lover starts to like Andrew's crack more?) your post time and again returns to control. Your post, in summary, also reeks of jealousy, which is a tremendously destructive emotion. So your partner now can't not only go to Andrew's house without your (controlling) company? But he also can't even admire an attractive man at a gay pride parade? So what other levels of sick, jealous control have you deviced? My guess is no internet porn. No contact with ex lovers. Not even acknowledging a celebrity is attractive. Men like you defend monogamy for the sake of their deep insecurity. You can't keep a man when there's competition, therefore, you must chain your man to you.

    No.. Thanks. I would prefer that my lover licks Andrew's crack, go to Gay Pride, and knows he wants to get banged by Hugh Jackman.. but by the end of the day, he comes back home to me because he values and respects my companionship. That he comes back to me on his own reconassaince. That I don't have to cage him, demonize him or reprehend him. He comes back to me on his own. That's the definition of a true loving relationship.


    I have to disagree with you. I am an avocate of both open and monogamous relationships. I am currently in a monogamous relationship not because I am a contolling person, but more so due to the fact that we both see sex as something special that we share with each other and for me (and him) this heightens the level of our relationship. I'm not saying that a lot of monogamous relationships are not of a controlling nature- because I agree that many are, but I find it small-minded to tar all monogamous relationships with the same brush. Different relationships work for different people, and different people view sex in different ways.
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    Mar 20, 2013 5:37 AM GMT
    (Reads entire thread)

    I thought this was the book I just bought at Barnes&Noble few days ago!
    icon_eek.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Mar 20, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    for me monogamy is just disease control.

    I would also prefer my partner watches a plethora of naked boys...if he focussed on ONE it would bother me.

    OP obviously doesnt like porn, and doesnt want anyone else to enjoy it. IT should be a source of inspiration. Talk to your partner about the porn or real hot guys he sees, and role play the two of you being them when you fuck. You dont have to be yourself in your relationship all the time. There can be fantasy too.