Why are there so few quality guys in here? ...or why haven't I met them then?

  • Cooldude30

    Posts: 54

    Oct 05, 2008 4:46 PM GMT
    I have been on this site for about 9 months or so. Since all of this is very new to me I have just been trying to meet some quality guys and see what's out there. I have chatted with many on here and gone in the chat rooms several times only to walk away disappointed most of the time. My experiences have been mainly guys that only care about sex, or guys that are total jerks/fakes/hypocrites. I go in to the chatrooms and try make very meaningless conversations meaninful by adding my 2 cents...well I just get totally ignored or scoffed at. I read the forum posts like: "Gays should boycott gay republicans" and many others and get totally disgusted with the double standard that many in here propose. So we can boycott our own simply because of their differing political opinion, but we expect everyone else in the world, regardless of their own personal beliefs and standards, to be totally tolerant of our lifestlye, and not only accept it, but also embrace it? What kind of picture does it present to the world if we can't even be accepting of our own? Anyhow, I have just come to the conclusion that the "Gay Culture" is a very sad society. There are too many haters, too many horndogs, too many hypocrites. I know this post will not earn me many brownie points in here, but I'm not trying to impress anyone...just expressing my observations of this site. I welcome anyone that would like to prove me wrong. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 05, 2008 6:27 PM GMT
    mrbeachboy saidI read the forum posts like: "Gays should boycott gay republicans" and many others and get totally disgusted with the double standard that many in here propose. So we can boycott our own simply because of their differing political opinion, but we expect everyone else in the world, regardless of their own personal beliefs and standards, to be totally tolerant of our lifestlye, and not only accept it, but also embrace it?


    For many gays in these times, being gay has become a political issue. Were that not the case, we gays could act like many groups do, and focus on our commonalities, and not our political differences.

    We might behave like professional groups, of doctors, attorneys, or accountants, for instance, and be more interested in medical things, or legal things, or accounting things, or in our case, gay things. And personal politics would be ignored, as irrelevant as what car someone drives. Our sole group interest would be those things we share in common, and the advancement of members of our group, as you rightly suggest.

    But if political Party X espoused policies that would deprive doctors of their civil rights, and Party Y supported those rights, do you not think doctor groups would become polarized along political lines?

    That is exactly what has happened in the gay community. There is a political party actively hostile to us. Why should we not protect ourselves, against those who betray the very unity you preach?

    Your view ignores the outside forces arrayed against us, as if our arguing politics is some kind of internal character flaw inherently rampant among gays. It is, rather, a response to a very real threat coming from outside our community, not something we do out of either compulsion or desire. And some of our own people have allied themselves with that outside threat.

    As for quality gays, I'm personally out of consideration for that race. Old and ill, I'll leave that part of your question, and challenge, to others here.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 05, 2008 6:36 PM GMT
    Let me say I find your description of this site unfortunate. There are a number of quality gay men on this site. I see it everyday in a variety of posts, through intereactions and for a number, discussion by phone and in person.

    I haven't paid a great deal of attention to the chat room so I can't speak to that and some of our forums can be challenging, especially right now with the political season upon us. I can tell you there are many of those with opposing political views, I greatly respect and the degree of sharing, support, educational topics, etc have lifted me over the last year and a half. I greatly appreciate this site.

    You are going to have gay men interested in sex anywhere. I get hit on here, but you have a greater percentage of educated, caring men with broad interests. I would encourage you to continue to seek out, via conversations in the forums, reviewing profiles (and personal discussion) and get to know men here. We may surprise you.
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    Oct 05, 2008 6:43 PM GMT


    mrbeachboy,

    greetings and tip o' the hat to you. Quality gays here on RJ, well, I could start naming guys like the guys on my buddy list, then continue to a lot of posters here.

    We think you're a tad frustrated, but who wouldn't be? This site is like any demographic of people with something in common. There will be lots they don't have in common, so they chat and argue, debate, scream, agree, insult, thank, make friends or make up, all right here. A real kaleidoscope of a big cross section of society (gay recognizes no walk of life exclusively).

    ...and we COMPLETELY disagree with Red Vespa's self assessment, age or illness notwithstanding, as we consider him, gay or not, Quality!

    -us
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    Oct 05, 2008 8:09 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    ...and we COMPLETELY disagree with Red Vespa's self assessment, age or illness notwithstanding, as we consider him, gay or not, Quality!


    WOW, thanks, that was kinda awesome!

    But... "gay or not"??? Ahem...

    "As Mayor of the Gay Folk City
    In the County of the Land of Oz
    I welcome you most regally..."

    "But we've got to verify it legally.
    To see..."

    "To see?"

    "If he..."

    "If he?"

    "Is morally, ethic'ly,
    Spiritually, physically,
    Positively, absolutely,
    Undeniably and reliably --
    Gay!"

    "As a cute twink, and very trim,
    I thoroughly examined him.
    And he's not only merely gay,
    He's really most sincerely gay."

    "Then this is a day of celebration,
    For all the Gay Folk and their descendants!"

    "If any!"

    "Yes, spread the joyous news today!
    That goofy old Red at last is gay!"

    So you see, I do have my gay credentials, from the most impeccable sources. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 05, 2008 8:25 PM GMT
    Oh thank god you are here to save us all. .... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 05, 2008 8:31 PM GMT
    Caslon7000 saidOh thank god you are here to save us all. .... icon_rolleyes.gif


    LOL! Well not quite yet! That was merely how I got to BE gay. Whether there's anything useful I can DO gay is another matter. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 06, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    Ahh, "quality" men. Would you mean the classical definition of quality, producing the desired quantity with the desired traits at a minimum level of variation or the marketing term invented by advertising agencies with the intent of pairing women with high-income earners? For the former, I would suggest looking no further than the local twink bar. Surely a haven of minimal variation and high output if there ever was one. For the latter, I would first question your motivation at applying the term to a specimen as unique and varied as the human being.

    Are you looking for a professional degree? High income earner? Someone who can comfortably discuss last night's opera over a qualified wine and cheese or someone to clarify the current state of experimental validation between quarks and bosons? Maybe you're looking for someone who is comfortable with an open relationship to attend sex parties with or a monogamous partner? What is it, specifically, that would elevate a person's value enough for you to consider them worthy of having a discussion with you?

    This, my friend, is the internet and it amplifies both the best and worst traits of a majority of it's users. Many people on this site, whom I have personally adressed, belittled, disagreed with, or have otherwise interacted are all undoubtedly individuals I would be happy to share a beer/wine/mixed drink/water with outside of this limited electronic space for a genuine discussion. Their relative "quality" having very little to do with the decision.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Oct 06, 2008 6:14 PM GMT
    Here is the summary of my experience on here. I have been on here for about a year and a half i think, roughly. In that time i'm sure hundreds of guys have contacted me and most never lead to anything meaningful. However i have 5-6 friends that are pure gold that were totally worth sifting through all sut and grime (not really a fair analogy, most of the people who message are nice guys, just not much in common). But you get the idea.
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    Oct 06, 2008 6:20 PM GMT
    ohhh the proverbial "challenge". how telling.

    well, maybe your expectations or definitions need a little tweaking.
    have you considered that maybe it's not everyone else but maybe you?
    don't take that the wrong way...it's just that sometimes a person has to step back, step outside of themselves and examine the person you are objectively.
    another rule of thumb i find useful sometimes is the saying " what you project, people reflect".

    icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 06, 2008 6:24 PM GMT
    Hmm... Your experiences dealing with a few shouldn't define the entire membership. I've actually been amazed at the quality of men I've met on here. I think if you've already determined in your mind that the greatest share are jerks, fakes, hypocrites etc... chances are no one is ever going to measure up and it does send a signal to those who might be interested in fostering a correspondence that you will over scrutinize every comment they make. I really don't know what to say other then my experience with RJ has been very positive and I've been very impressed with many guys from this site.
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    Oct 06, 2008 6:38 PM GMT
    mrbeachboy saidAnyhow, I have just come to the conclusion that the "Gay Culture" is a very sad society. There are too many haters, too many horndogs, too many hypocrites.


    What do you think "Straight Culture" is like? Certainly, no one hates, no one is every horny, and they never say one thing and do the opposite.

    As for your problem finding quality guys, check your game. If you popped into the chat room and gave your opinion like you did with this post, I don't see how you could have met a quality guy. Finding good people to be friends with or to date requires work. They don't just come to you. You have to dig through mounds of shit to find a good one.

    In my year long experience on this site, I have talked to several high quality guys. I found them by putting myself out there and being responsive to them. There are plenty of good people on this site, this isn't pedo4kido.com.

    Happy hunting.
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    Oct 06, 2008 7:24 PM GMT
    Could your outside environment be adding to the frustration? I live near Columbia and have been there several times when I had a friend who lived there. It's not exactly the place for great guys to flock to since there's not exactly a rainbow colored welcome mat laid out anywhere in the bible belt. I think that if you look at inflammatory threads, you're going to see inflammatory responses. If you look at other threads, especially ones in the health and mental health threads where people ask for help you're going to see the good there is on this site. This is the place that keeps my hope afloat actually. It's still the internet though, and you're going to have a lot of pervs, game players, liars, fakes, and flakes on just about any networking site regardless of who it targets. Gay men are just bolder about coming on to people because they want to believe that everyone is here for what they're here for. Straight men are just as bad, but they have to do more of a ritual to manipulate their way into a woman's bedroom. Those people are easily weeded out and I figure no harm no foul. It's not like they'll put me in the hospital asking for nudey photos or treating me as if I don't exist when I take the time to send them a message.

    Seek the good, and you'll find it.
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    Oct 06, 2008 7:29 PM GMT
    i just posted a rant about this very thing on the website for my newspaper:

    HED: 10’s looking for 12’s

    INTRO: Gay men complain about not finding dating opportunities, yet ignore or waste them incessantly

    CAPTIONS: no pics included

    BYLINE: Jack Kirven . Staff writer


    We’ve all heard it (because we’ve all said it): There are no good gay guys around to date. Everyone worth knowing is 1,000 miles away on some chat site. Mhm. Really? None? That seems a bit unreasonable, especially since it defies logic. By saying there are none around, you have just lumped yourself into the very group you are lamenting. If everyone feels the same way you do, that means no one thinks you’re worth dating either (unless you’re 1,000 miles away from the person in question). What a ridiculous downward spiral gay dating is sometimes. It’s hard enough to find any gay people at all, and then the ones you do find are all unworthy for some reason or another? Miss Thing, you need to take a moment to recognize…

    Honey, you ain’t the only one to shed a tear.

    The pattern I have detected looks something like this: The young, hopelessly romantic and softhearted gay man is treated severely throughout his life (or sees poor treatment of other people who are gay, or perceived to be gay). He is wounded harshly and simultaneously on many levels. His expectations for love and quest for acceptance are gradually eroded, often by poor treatment from other gay men (who have also been traumatized by homophobic attitudes), and he begins reciting the litany of gay dating “truth:” There are no good gay men to date. People only want sex, they’re just machines who don’t want love. I won’t bother investing, since no one else does, blah, blah, blah…

    No one is telling you to lower your standards (they’re probably low enough – I bet I’d recognize a great many of you from Manhunt), but simply to be more reasonable. The collective dating problem gay men create for themselves is a self-fulfilling prophecy: Everyone is a 10, looking for a 12. Sorry, but sometimes it’d be better to realize that it’s okay to be a 5, 6, or 7, looking for a 5, 6, or 7. Look at the most gorgeous people you can think of, and analyze whether or not they’re truly any happier than anyone else. Everyone is in the same boat. Everyone on some level is looking for love.

    At the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie: You are good. Love will come to you. (But only if you allow it.) I truly believe that any religious belief system that focuses on sin rather than redemption, and which treats the ego as a part of the self that must be crushed, is one that is begging for destruction on a massive scale. It is no easy feat to love yourself in an environment like that, but that is what you have to achieve before you can connect to anyone else. There is a difference between pride and arrogance. Pride is self-love based on truth, whereas arrogance is self-love based on nothing. You can’t be datable, and therefore cannot date successfully, until you cling tenaciously to knowing that you are worth being pursued, wooed, seduced, coddled, cuddled, and treasured (and that you deserve to give all that back to someone else).

    This is an instance where the adage that “a single man can change the world” definitely rings true. If you alone (and I’m speaking to thousands of singular you’s at this moment) make the conscious choice to begin (or continue being) optimistic, open hearted, friendly, polite, transparent, and non-manipulative then you will inspire others to do the same. Even if you (all several thousand of you singular you’s) make a difference in only one other person because of your attitude, then the number of positive minded people has already doubled. My challenge to all us gay guys in general is this: Look for what is worthy in yourself and the good in others, rather than ignoring your own faults and focusing on everyone else’s pimples and body hair.
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    Oct 06, 2008 8:40 PM GMT
    First of all I am sorry you have not found RJ as inviting as you would like. I personally found the forum boards a bit hard to get used to at first. It was like joining the Freemasons! All these discussions going on that had a past to them, people teasing back and forth, LOLCATS galore (a site I never knew existed until finding RJ), etc..

    As I have become more comfortable talking on RJ I have found that generally speaking the members are intelligent, funny, well informed, at times very opinionated and generally respectful. Go into any gay bar or on-line hook-up site (e.g. Manhunt) and I bet you will not find as interesting or eclectic a group of gay men.

    I have rarely ventured into the chat room. The conversations are of a different nature then the forums. Since I am "taken" I am not that interested in conversations that I consider more intimate in nature.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 07, 2008 7:53 PM GMT
    Excellent answers... I hope you find RJ more hospitable in the future...
    there is a place for you here!
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    Oct 07, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    LOLCATS are the effing saving grace of this site!!!!

    funny pictures
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    Oct 08, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    Nice pussy cat, although I am not sure what it is doing! icon_eek.gif