Temporary move for work and my boyfriend is freaking out

  • vaiXLY

    Posts: 32

    Feb 20, 2013 7:53 AM GMT
    I'm in a relationship with a guy. He's 23 and I'm 22. I love him to death. We live in Beijing. Today is Wednesday, Feb 20 and next Monday, I'm moving 14 hours away until the end of July (I'll be gone for 5 months).

    We've only been dating for 4 months so we're still in that baby-stage of the relationship where we are madly in love with each other for no good reason. But, I really love him to death and he loves me like crazy. Well, 2 days ago, I told him about the move. My boss told me earlier, that same work day. Now, for two evenings, I've been consoling a weeping, dying boyfriend. I don't understand why this is killing him so much. I'm just going away for 5 months.

    I can't express how much consoling, persuading, convincing I've tried on him to make him understand it won't be that bad. I'll talk to him every day on phone, text and internet. I'll visit him when it's possible. I'm NOT going to cheat. I'm NOT going to fall out of love with him. I'm NOT going to forget about him.

    I'm sad about being separated from him for 5 months too but I don't know why he's freaking out so much!! I've said the most amazing things to get him to calm down. He knows I'll be back in 5 months. He's in university right now and I'm working so he can't come with me.

    Does anyone have any advice on why he's freaking out so much?

    And what the hell should I do or say to him to calm him down? I hate to see him cry so much. It makes me feel awful. And I'm getting tired of him acting this way because his behavior is extreme and doesn't make sense to me. Also, breaking up isn't an option. I really like this one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 8:39 AM GMT
    Freaking out like....?

    tumblr_m5f9e0qv7M1r6jaby.gif

    If you've said everything you could to get him to calm down then there isn't much else you can do. The best thing I would suggest is to ask him how he feels about this to try to understand why he's freaking out so much about you leaving, and from there you and him should figure out the best possible outcome for this situation.

    The next best thing, since your in love and you don't want to break up with him, then I suggests starting an open relationship. It gives both you and him freedom even for awhile, and you won't have to worry about cheating and other issues that may occur in distance relationships.
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Feb 20, 2013 12:03 PM GMT
    Are you his first boyfriend?

    I dated a guy and it was his first relationship ever. He had his first kiss, cuddle, sex, etc all with me. I thought it was cute, like teaching a puppy new tricks. However, like all puppies, he got clingy as time went by. He would literally freak out when I didn't reply his messages within the first hour. Often I would return to find multiple messages and missed calls. I had a record breaking of 22 missed calls and 30 messages within 4 hours.

    When I was about to leave for university, he was devastated. He wouldn't listen to reasons and accuse me of doing it purposely to break up with him. Then, he cried and begged me not to go. Anyway, I still went as I was not stupid enough to throw my future away for him.

    It got worse from there. I was ordered to take pictures of myself and my surrounding and sent them to him. I got frequent calls and messages and it was a must to reply all of them.

    I broke up with him eventually. It was a messy one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 1:07 PM GMT
    vaiXLY said
    Does anyone have any advice on why he's freaking out so much?

    And what the hell should I do or say to him to calm him down? I hate to see him cry so much. It makes me feel awful. And I'm getting tired of him acting this way because his behavior is extreme and doesn't make sense to me. Also, breaking up isn't an option. I really like this one.

    The "why" is difficult to answer, might require a psychologist. Maybe he suffered separation trauma as a child. Maybe he's immature (interesting you wrote "baby stage of the relationship"). Maybe he's spoiled and self-centered. And maybe he's truly madly in love with you, or a mix of any of the above. Give him logical proofs that you must return, and will return, to ease his separation anxiety.

    You might try to rationalize your absence, and provide equivalent examples, if you haven't already. Tell him you're like a soldier or sailor, being sent on a mission. For them 5 months would actually be short in many cases. And their boyfriends, girlfriends, children, wives & husbands must be strong and endure the absence, with less communication that you'll be able to enjoy. Is he weaker than a wife or girlfriend, or a daughter? Shame him into being tougher if you must.

    There's also the example of the long term relationship. I had one for 6 months myself. Not 14 hours away but 3 days by road, 1500mi/2400k. We only saw each other once a month, taking turns traveling. He eventually became my first partner and we moved in together.

    Is there any chance that either of you would have a holiday during these 5 months? If so, get him involved in planning to see you. Perhaps he'll have a university break. Even if you're working the whole time I imagine you'd have some part of the day or evening free, and at least some days off. Offer him that possibility. (Assuming he doesn't need special permissions and a reason to travel, and his lodging could be arranged, if not practical staying with you)
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 20, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    To gay men, sex is like oxygen. We don't do well with long-term separations. We are not women. Frankly, in a situation like yours, I would break up with you and just be friends until the distance issue were to be resolved. I suspect that's how he's feeling right now. Perhaps you should give him his freedom while you're away for those 5 months.
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Feb 20, 2013 4:51 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidTo gay men, sex is like oxygen. We don't do well with long-term separations. We are not women. Frankly, in a situation like yours, I would break up with you and just be friends until the distance issue were to be resolved. I suspect that's how he's feeling right now. Perhaps you should give him his freedom while you're away for those 5 months.


    Have you ever been in a relationship before?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 4:59 PM GMT
    It's only five months. I know to twentysomethings 5 months seems like an eternity especially when in love, but to those of us a bit long in tooth 5 months is a blink of an eye.

    Tell him to man up and quit blubbering. If he truly loved you he would want what's best for you and if this temporary separation is good for you and your career he should be 100% supportive.

    TRUE LOVE IS NOT SELFISH.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 20, 2013 5:07 PM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    PR_GMR saidTo gay men, sex is like oxygen. We don't do well with long-term separations. We are not women. Frankly, in a situation like yours, I would break up with you and just be friends until the distance issue were to be resolved. I suspect that's how he's feeling right now. Perhaps you should give him his freedom while you're away for those 5 months.


    Have you ever been in a relationship before?


    Officially? No. But I strongly believe in my statement. Gay men don't date like women. I don't believe in being possessive.. and I don't believe in long distance relationships. I would give the man his freedom during the 5 months.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 5:25 PM GMT
    vaiXLY saidI'm in a relationship with a guy. He's 23 and I'm 22. I love him to death. We live in Beijing. Today is Wednesday, Feb 20 and next Monday, I'm moving 14 hours away until the end of July (I'll be gone for 5 months).

    We've only been dating for 4 months so we're still in that baby-stage of the relationship where we are madly in love with each other for no good reason. But, I really love him to death and he loves me like crazy. Well, 2 days ago, I told him about the move. My boss told me earlier, that same work day. Now, for two evenings, I've been consoling a weeping, dying boyfriend. I don't understand why this is killing him so much. I'm just going away for 5 months.

    I can't express how much consoling, persuading, convincing I've tried on him to make him understand it won't be that bad. I'll talk to him every day on phone, text and internet. I'll visit him when it's possible. I'm NOT going to cheat. I'm NOT going to fall out of love with him. I'm NOT going to forget about him.

    I'm sad about being separated from him for 5 months too but I don't know why he's freaking out so much!! I've said the most amazing things to get him to calm down. He knows I'll be back in 5 months. He's in university right now and I'm working so he can't come with me.

    Does anyone have any advice on why he's freaking out so much?

    And what the hell should I do or say to him to calm him down? I hate to see him cry so much. It makes me feel awful. And I'm getting tired of him acting this way because his behavior is extreme and doesn't make sense to me. Also, breaking up isn't an option. I really like this one.


    ..Freaking out.. Is he crying or what?
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Feb 20, 2013 5:28 PM GMT
    PR_GMR said
    Angelix90 said
    PR_GMR saidTo gay men, sex is like oxygen. We don't do well with long-term separations. We are not women. Frankly, in a situation like yours, I would break up with you and just be friends until the distance issue were to be resolved. I suspect that's how he's feeling right now. Perhaps you should give him his freedom while you're away for those 5 months.


    Have you ever been in a relationship before?


    Officially? No. But I strongly believe in my statement. Gay men don't date like women. I don't believe in being possessive.. and I don't believe in long distance relationships. I would give the man his freedom during the 5 months.


    I don't know about that man. Love is love. If I was in love with someone, i wouldnt want or need "freedom" from my obligations toward him. Dedication and adoration aren't possessive traits; theyre reaffirming ones.

    Hopefully you're open to this concept in any future relationships you may engage in. Best of luck to you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 5:37 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's only five months. I know to twentysomethings 5 months seems like an eternity especially when in love, but to those of us a bit long in tooth 5 months is a blink of an eye.

    Tell him to man up and quit blubbering. If he truly loved you he would want what's best for you and if this temporary separation is good for you and your career he should be 100% supportive.

    TRUE LOVE IS NOT SELFISH.

    THIS!
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 20, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    blueandgold said
    PR_GMR said
    Angelix90 said
    PR_GMR saidTo gay men, sex is like oxygen. We don't do well with long-term separations. We are not women. Frankly, in a situation like yours, I would break up with you and just be friends until the distance issue were to be resolved. I suspect that's how he's feeling right now. Perhaps you should give him his freedom while you're away for those 5 months.


    Have you ever been in a relationship before?


    Officially? No. But I strongly believe in my statement. Gay men don't date like women. I don't believe in being possessive.. and I don't believe in long distance relationships. I would give the man his freedom during the 5 months.


    I don't know about that man. Love is love. If I was in love with someone, i wouldnt want or need "freedom" from my obligations toward him. Dedication and adoration aren't possessive traits; theyre reaffirming ones.

    Hopefully you're open to this concept in any future relationships you may engage in. Best of luck to you!


    Great points. And I agree with you. I guess I'm 'theory-crafting'. I wish the OP luck with his upcoming separation from his bf. Hope they can weather it thru.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    Well I know that I"m struggling being only a couple hundred miles and less than two hours away on Montana roads from my current boyfriend.

    But, I'm getting over it because it is only making us stronger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    Please help me understand what you're feeling.
    What can I do to make this less painful?
    I love you, and I know we can make this work--are you willing to work through this?
    It's only temporary, and I know my love for you will only grow during this time. I want this, how can I help you understand that this is something I need to do?
    Oh why are you feeling such separation anxiety? I haven't left yet, and we will surely be with each other the whole time.
    My love for you isn't limited to the space we share together. Are you willing to give as much love as it takes to cross this great distance?
    Give me this freedom so that one day our love will be that much greater.

    Separation anxiety, or the anticipation of it, leads people into a strange, painful territory. But if you can get him to express his love, rather than his pain, it might lift him out of it. But I'm on the other side of the world, what do I know, anyway?



  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 20, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have been having some great input. I can understand to an extent. If he really loves you, he probably thinks it will be over when you move. I would just try and reinforce why he means so much to you and really work to see you maintain it during the time you are apart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 9:41 PM GMT
    Career > Boyfriend

    Tell him if he'll pay you what you'd expect to make, then you'll stay.
  • honestsweat

    Posts: 183

    Feb 20, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    When he starts on an episode video him and play it back so he can see what an ass he's being. It is not all about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2013 10:36 PM GMT
    I think he's freaking out because:

    A: It's only been 48 hours since he got this completely unexpected news that in a week you'll be gone.
    B: You're both still very new and as you said, "We've only been dating for 4 months so we're still in that baby-stage of the relationship where we are madly in love with each other for no good reason. But, I really love him to death and he loves me like crazy."

    ....so emotions run rather powerfully and deeply.


    I suggest getting two of these (promise rings) and plan a nice romantic event for this weekend or sooner, then present these rings with a flourish. Each of you think of something special to say for a few minutes, then put them on each other and state your commitment. Take pics!!!! These will be something you can both look at while apart (rings and pics both).

    http://www.loveandpride.com/catalog/product/view/id/35178/s/my-name-necklace-engraved-promise-ring/category/8853/


    As for how to reason with him; you might mention that there are gay men in the US military that were separated from their partners for many months with very dire potential outcomes, unlike a temporary work transfer, and they survived the separation. I'd also mention that it will be torture for you to think of him in this emotional state when you are away and unable to be there.

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • vaiXLY

    Posts: 32

    Feb 21, 2013 5:47 AM GMT
    Oh wow, I didn't expect so much help!! Thanks to all of you! All your advice is heaven-sent. Actually, he's doing much better now. He's still not smiling but at least he's not crying anymore. It's been 3.5 days and I did do some of the things you advised. Also, he talked to his friends and they told him he was acting out too much and that he shouldn't worry, which helped him. I'll do some more of the things you guys suggested before I leave to make him that much better. You guys helped me feel a lot more relaxed. Thanks!

    Devlin saidFreaking out like....?

    tumblr_m5f9e0qv7M1r6jaby.gif

    ...The best thing I would suggest is to ask him how he feels about this to try to understand why he's freaking out so much about you leaving, and from there you and him should figure out the best possible outcome for this situation...

    Just like that haha I will ask him that question very clear-and-cut, direct, tonight.

    Angelix90Are you his first boyfriend?

    Yes. And we talked and realized that this was part of the issue. I've had 3 relationships prior so I think I've gotten over that growing-pain. He just hasn't experienced it yet. But he's learning.

    Art_DecoMaybe he's spoiled and self-centered. And maybe he's truly madly in love with you, or a mix of any of the above. Give him logical proofs that you must return, and will return, to ease his separation anxiety.

    Is there any chance that either of you would have a holiday during these 5 months?

    And that's what surprised me so much. He's not selfish at all so when he started fighting this so hard with such a display of emotion, citing how "lonely" and "stressed" he'll be, I was realy surprised. & we'll have a 3-5 day break in May so I told him I'd definitely come see him then.

    bri_66 said
    UndercoverMan saidIt's only five months. I know to twentysomethings 5 months seems like an eternity especially when in love, but to those of us a bit long in tooth 5 months is a blink of an eye.

    Tell him to man up and quit blubbering. If he truly loved you he would want what's best for you and if this temporary separation is good for you and your career he should be 100% supportive.

    TRUE LOVE IS NOT SELFISH.

    THIS!

    Thanks! I agree! My idea of what a relationship should be is for 2 people to just "do you" (live their own respective lives) while loving and supporting the other in what bolsters and benefits them. I told him this. I also told him that I don't want to be apart from him but I have to.

    Afterwards saidSeparation anxiety, or the anticipation of it, leads people into a strange, painful territory. But if you can get him to express his love, rather than his pain, it might lift him out of it.

    I've said quite a lot to soothe him but, actually, I hadn't thought of any of those things yet. So thank you. I will definitely say these to him tonight.

    meninlove said I think he's freaking out because:

    A: It's only been 48 hours since he got this completely unexpected news that in a week you'll be gone.
    ....so emotions run rather powerfully and deeply.

    I suggest getting two of these (promise rings) and plan a nice romantic event for this weekend or sooner, then present these rings with a flourish.

    As for how to reason with him; you might mention that there are gay men in the US military that were separated from their partners for many months with very dire potential outcomes, unlike a temporary work transfer, and they survived the separation. I'd also mention that it will be torture for you to think of him in this emotional state when you are away and unable to be there.

    warmly,
    -Doug

    Some more time has gone by and he has, thankfully, calmed down a little bit. You're right about this being a new relationship so it makes sense for him to be very emotional right after he found out. I bought some roses and candles and chocolate... cliche.. but it did actually seem to make him feel a lot better!!