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I came to the gay scene at a disadvantage: late bloomer, older, inexperienced, not a great looker. I wanted to meet guys, bed them if I could, maybe find a keeper.

I frequented gay bars at first, though later learned lots of other, and likely better ways to meet quality guys. But at first I wanted quick results, and frankly I really like the gay bar/club atmosphere, still do, not afraid to admit it.

Knowing nothing at first, I studied what was happening around me. How gays dressed in bars (as compared to my initial hopelessly preppy/professional look), how they behaved. And I saw the guys who came in and sat down at the bar, clearly on the prowl, their eyes checking out everyone. And as the night wore on and nothing happened for them, they got gloomier & gloomier, finally leaving by themselves. I'd honestly feel sorry for them.

Then I saw the guys who were smiling and engaged the whole night, and they couldn't keep the other men away, frequently leaving with one out the door. OK, that part's easy to understand, I said to myself; now how to do that, when I don't know anyone, and I have trouble starting up bar conversations.

Easy solution: get to know the bartenders. If it's not too busy they're usually happy to talk; if nothing else it often boosts their tips. Next time I enter I get a warm "Hello, Tom!" from them, heads turn, I've made my entrance, a regular who's not like a stranger slipping in. And I'm seen as likable & talkative at the bar (but never loud & bombastic), not sitting there withdrawn, and guys are more willing to approach me.

Keeping that smile all night, when things weren't always going well, was the hardest part. For that I played some mind games on myself. I told myself my goal for the evening was merely having a few drinks, listening to good music, chatting a few guys up, maybe dancing where they had some. And if that's all I did, my night was still a success, and I left happy.

I NEVER made my definition of a good time to be going home with a guy. That way I had my good time no matter what, and I was in complete control of my success. And so bars didn't intimidate me, as they did (and still do) some of my friends, afraid of the do-or-die, succeed-or-fail competitive challenge that awaits them there.

I've had friends literally say that to me. "Nah, I don't wanna go to the bar tonight, Tom. I sit there all night and nobody hits on me, then I go home alone, feeling worse than when I arrived." Well, that never happened to me, cause I always left happy, having met the realistic goals I set.

And guess what? I went home with lots of guys anyway! Because I made myself the kind of guy that others are attracted to: smiling, happy, having a good time, engaged, open. And isn't that what you would prefer in a guy? Or would you like that morose, withdrawn fella at the end, who looks like he just lost his last friend in the world?

But that's what I see so many guys telegraphing, because they don't know how to have a good time for the sake of a good time. They make the whole thing about the cruising, and you can watch their faces fall little by little as the evening goes on and they get no offers.

I'm partnered now, so my bar cruising days are past. But I still go to bars & clubs and I still go home happy, because the same things that made me happy then still make me happy today.

If you go with an agenda you might be let down
If you go there expecting maybe to meet someone and it doesn't happen sure you're going to be sad
But if you enjoy just being there with friends and you just enjoy the atmosphere there's nothing wrong with that
Everybody's got to remember ... there are going to be guys who look better who meet and hook up with guys better than you
but you can't let that get to you
just try and enjoy yourself as best you can

GQjock saidIf you go with an agenda you might be let down
If you go there expecting maybe to meet someone and it doesn't happen sure you're going to be sad
But if you enjoy just being there with friends and you just enjoy the atmosphere there's nothing wrong with that
Everybody's got to remember ... there are going to be guys who look better who meet and hook up with guys better than you
but you can't let that get to you
just try and enjoy yourself as best you can

Said far better in 6 lines than I did in dozens.

Hey, I always go home with the best catch at the bar.
Have for over 12 years.
I s'pose it helps that we go in 1 car.
(:

Whenever i go to bars i never expect to hook up with someone- i like to have a few drinks, enjoy the music, relax with friends...i guess when people feel youre not there being predatory, they relax around you, and eventually talk and stay with you. And then you decide if you want to take them home or not. I like being in control of the situation, and i end up having a good time with or without somebody to go home with.

workingman saidWhenever i go to bars i never expect to hook up with someone- i like to have a few drinks, enjoy the music, relax with friends...i guess when people feel youre not there being predatory, they relax around you, and eventually talk and stay with you. And then you decide if you want to take them home or not. I like being in control of the situation, and i end up having a good time with or without somebody to go home with.

That was my contention exactly! Thanks!

I usually approach it as a field study in sociology.

SockMonkey saidI usually approach it as a field study in sociology.

Do you have to do a practical demonstration?

When I was single used to go out w/ my friends who all were on the "hunt" while I choose a method of have a good time, be friendly and just be open to meeting people. 9 out of 10 tens I would get a hot guy who decide to chat me up because I wasnt "hunting".

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My formula for having a good time at gay bars is to always put my best foot forward and the right look is paramount. I can't manage to have a bad time if I know I've got the best hair, make up, and wardrobe possible. Being that fabulous, if I am ignored, obviously there is something wrong with the guys who club there. However, unlike most, I go to party. I have this aversion to picking up sex at gay bars.

I find it odd that people here live the fittest life: eating the right foods and getting enough fluids, never met a deep fried meal they'd touch, but they sleep with guys they picked up at gay bars. For analogy sake, most of the guys there are cheap, easy and bad for the digestive system too. It's just scraping the bottom of the barrell to me....but, they are just fine to party with and have a good time. I guess this is why I could never have a lousy time at the clubs. I don't want to get laid, which is why I usually show up with something hot and sexy on my arm to compliment my outfit. Something that's already been inspected and cleared for healthy consumption later....after we tear up the dancefloor that is.

How to REALLY get to know your barstaff 101.

#1. Tip them.
#2. Never click your fingers, tap your money on the counter, yell out 'bartender', say 'when you're ready, could I get...'.
#3. Buy them a drink when off shift. A friendly drink.

If all rules are abided, ALL bar staff will know your name within a week, even the new people, you will be acknowledged by name and be able to get drinks instantaneously when you head to the bar. Occasionally you won't have to pay for them either, but still make sure you tip.



Helping the barstaff, as Vespa has said, increases your likelihood of a good night out, when I was bartending/managing I sort of played matchmaker, introducing regulars to regulars, new people who looked lost to regulars etc. etc.

So in short, keep you bartender happy.

When I go to the bars, I go to meet someone.

I don't drink, I don't like the music very much, nor am I likely to run into anyone I know with whom I can "relax."

The way I avoid disappointment is to connect with myself (as much as possible) beforehand. That way, I am patient and allow the satisfaction of my needs and desires to take as long as necessary.