Tips for someone getting out if a long term relationship please?

  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Feb 20, 2013 9:16 PM GMT
    Hey all,

    I haven't spent much time on here recently. I just got out of a 5 year relationship 4 days ago. My friends have been a good support system for me and will be letting me sleep on couches until I find a place to live and take all my crap out of the apartment I shared with my now ex.

    All I'm asking for on here is some advice on how to move on from this in a healthy manner. I'll admit I'm a little scared because it was 5 years. We started dating when I was a senior in college and so I have no experience in being a single gay guy in a major city (Washington DC)

    Thanks in advance

    --Mike
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 12:19 AM GMT
    Step one: Revitalize some of your old hobbies.

    Step two: Look back on the entire relationship, find where things went astray, and use that as a learning experience.

    Step three: Be patient. It can take 6+ months to readjust to the single life.

    Step four: I'll be in Maryland in June, and will be out on the local mountain bike trails meeting new people. It would be fun to have someone there I already know from the internet, if you're into that stuff. icon_biggrin.gif
  • vaiXLY

    Posts: 32

    Feb 21, 2013 6:09 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidStep one: Revitalize some of your old hobbies.

    I think this is the number 1 piece of advice to take into consideration right now. It is the most important thing I did to help me flourish in the short term right after my longest relationship ended (2 years). I found myself doing totally un-constructive and hilarious things right afterwards and realized I had to stop. I would've withered away if I didn't force myself to embark on some hobby. Since I didn't care about anything at that point, it was really easy and beneficial for me to (mechanically) do something productive for myself. I honestly wish I could be that productive again but without all the bitter emotions!

    Like paulflexes said, you should examine the relationship to learn from it.

    It sounds like you're already doing it but I also highly suggest you socialize like crazy. Don't hide in a shell. It already sounds like you have a good social network to keep you feeling strong but if you don't, you have to make a new one from the ground up. I had to do that but it was well worth it. Making new, affirming friendships helped me remember that I am likable, etc.

    And my last advice is to talk to other people about the relationship and how you're feeling. You might be thinking "the last thing I want to do is talk about it" or "I don't want to annoy anyone with my whining" but, right after a break-up, it's really helpful to talk to people, even if it makes you really sad and teary-eyed. You have to let it out or you'll never move on, I think. It took me ~5-6 months to feel happy being without him. But it happened eventually so give it time!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 2:17 PM GMT
    Don't be afraid to face the world as a single person. There are tons of people out there who are single either by choice or by circumstance.
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    Feb 21, 2013 2:41 PM GMT
    What worked for me is to find something constructive to do (after you get everything settled). Also don't hold on to what happened, it takes time but reflect and eventually accept the reality of the situation and move on. I know tons of people who hold on to intense levels of resentment after a relationship ends.


    Good luck buddy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 2:45 PM GMT
    Honest straight forward communication; it'll get you in, and get you out.

    Or just sleeping around like a good hombro.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 2:55 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidStep one: Revitalize some of your old hobbies.

    Step two: Look back on the entire relationship, find where things went astray, and use that as a learning experience.

    Step three: Be patient. It can take 6+ months to readjust to the single life.

    Step four: I'll be in Maryland in June, and will be out on the local mountain bike trails meeting new people. It would be fun to have someone there I already know from the internet, if you're into that stuff. icon_biggrin.gif


    +1
    Nice advice!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 21, 2013 3:02 PM GMT
    My suggestion is to not get all bogged down on some of the "ending" upleasant moments. Things which may have been said in haste and emotion... remember the positive things which went on MUCH LONGER than the breakup.

    1. The things he did for you because he meant it

    2. Positive things you learned and should embrace for the rest of your life

    3. Things you did together

    I think the worst thing in the world is to somehow view a long term relationship as a "mistake" somehow. I hope it wasn't. Focus on the good parts, work through the bad ending, maybe it wasn't that bad and move forward. I agree with some of the parts given above in other posts. Once you move forward some of the bad stuff doesn't seem quite as bad (in most cases!). Good luck!
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Feb 22, 2013 3:17 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone icon_smile.gif
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 22, 2013 3:26 AM GMT
    Anything to help pass the time. Surround yourself with family and friends and stay busy. Keeps you from letting your mind wander.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 3:48 AM GMT
    It takes several months to get rid of those bad feelings.
    Lucky you are in a large city. Many fishes in the pool.
    But you don't need to rush into another relationship. Take you time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 6:14 PM GMT
    Just do what feels right, Mike -- focus on yourself and what you need out of life that you weren't getting. Think of yourself as a neglected houseplant that is suddenly getting sunlight and water again -- it takes a little time to get back to 100%. Reconnect with friends, take more time for your hobbies (or explore new ones), and just don't over-think the relationship part of things. Don't rush into a relationship until you know what the lessons from the last one are and what you're looking for.

    And check out Grindr. The Internet has become much more your friend since you we're last on the market :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 6:16 PM GMT
    Accept that you do need time to move on from it. There is no fast fix to get over the feelings.

    But spending more time around your friends or immersing yourself in a hobby are good steps as well.
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    Feb 22, 2013 6:20 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    zdrew saidThink of yourself as a neglected houseplant that is suddenly getting sunlight and water again

    Funny, that's so often how I think about you. With dusty leaves.


    We all know I'm a plastic ficus and don't need actual nourishment. And my under-foliage is immaculately dusted, thanks.