Is he moving slowly or is he just not moving?

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Feb 21, 2013 1:20 AM GMT
    I'm a firm believer of the idea that if two people like each other, things should work naturally/easily .

    But everyone moves at a different pace. I'm probably a bit too fast. Wondering what you guys think I am doing right/wrong, what I should be aware of:

    I met a great guy for a date recently. We really hit it off and spent hours talking about shared interests Walking him home, we made out and had great chemistry, but left it there.

    Afterwards, he was really great about communicating, a real gentleman. Texted me, but wasn't invasive, surprised me with attention, and even if he stopped in a particular conversation, he'd always get back to me eventually with an e-mail or something else. Didn't leave me hanging or make me feel like an afterthought.

    Our second date was a brunch, but he was feeling a bit under the weather so we didn't do much afterwards, despite having invited him to watch a show we both like at my place. He said he didn't feel well and apologized a few times, even texted later that day. He suggested we do something the next day, but he got caught up with work.

    Since then he's still been communicative, but when I ask what his schedule is like or hint at getting together again, he doesn't respond. I know he's busy, and he ends up getting back to me and talking to me about another topic. Is it just too soon? The other thing is: We have two things planned for next week, but they're not dates -- just events we're both going to with other people. One I invited him to, and another he invited me to.

    I'm happy to have met someone who seems mature and reliable, but I'm just not used to things crawling so slowly...I know he recently got out of a serious relationship, and I want to build up trust, but don't want to seem pushy, even though I really just want to get to know him and spend more time with him.

    Is this all happening at a normal pace? I.e. should we be trying to see each other as frequently as possible -- which is my experience with most guys -- or can it just sort of slowly evolve? What do I watch out for?

    Thanks guys
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    When a guy is interested, you know.

    This guy...sounds like a flake. Take your grazing to greener meadows.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 21, 2013 4:06 AM GMT
    He's not interested. Sorry to be blunt, but at best, you've been friend-zoned. I just don't get it why some gay men insist in dating like women. He doesn't want to fuck you..so he's not gonna thru with any further dates.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 5:02 AM GMT
    Sounds like he's friend-zoning you. He might be still interested though. But if you are interested you better act fast.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 5:06 AM GMT
    I'm inclined to disagree with the other guys who have posted here -- I would hold off judgment like calling him a flake at this point. I think it could be too early to tell.

    Nothing you've described about this situation sounds in any way bad to me. Sometimes it can take time to get to know someone, it doesn't happen overnight.

    I'd say give it a little more time, maybe.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 5:12 AM GMT
    How old are you guys? I might think that he is just very busy and/or used to being alone (AKA single) and not super excited to be doing things on someone else's schedule...

    But who knows....Does bring up the excellent question of how much two people should like each other in the first moments of a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 5:28 AM GMT
    My take: It depends on if you choose to take the "I don't want to be played" approach OR the "I'm going to meet him where he is and see where this leads" approach. If you have baggage from a bad breakup or a good, long memory, you will likely find yourself in the "I don't want to be played" corner based on past experiences. You'll be looking for the twist in the plot or the scary ending.

    If you choose to meet this guy where he is, you go along for the ride.

    In either case, continue to live your life and insert him into it where it makes sense. You say, "whether he texts me tomorrow or 6 months from now, I've got my own life and will continue living it. Maybe he exits, maybe he stays as just a platonic friendship.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Feb 21, 2013 6:05 AM GMT
    Honestly, I have given up on guys who are like that. I make my intentions clear pretty early on. If they don't share the general energy level of interest I have, I write them off. If they're like that in the beginning, then it wouldn't work out between us.

    I just don't have the time and energy to waste on this whole subtle dance. You're hot, I'm hot? Awesome! Let's go on a few dates and see how it goes. Good? Good! Let's make it official.

    If I am sick, or busy, I make it clear. I say let's reschedule for x date at y time, so that way it's not like I am ignoring them or trying to shrug them off.
  • NorthChinaLi

    Posts: 241

    Feb 21, 2013 7:46 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]linvect96 said[/cite]I'm a firm believer of the idea that if two people like each other, things should work naturally/easily .

    But everyone moves at a different pace. I'm probably a bit too fast. Wondering what you guys think I am doing right/wrong, what I should be aware of:

    I met a great guy for a date recently. We really hit it off and spent hours talking about shared interests Walking him home, we made out and had great chemistry, but left it there.

    Afterwards, he was really great about communicating, a real gentleman. Texted me, but wasn't invasive, surprised me with attention, and even if he stopped in a particular conversation, he'd always get back to me eventually with an e-mail or something else. Didn't leave me hanging or make me feel like an afterthought.

    Our second date was a brunch, but he was feeling a bit under the weather so we didn't do much afterwards, despite having invited him to watch a show we both like at my place. He said he didn't feel well and apologized a few times, even texted later that day. He suggested we do something the next day, but he got caught up with work.

    Since then he's still been communicative, but when I ask what his schedule is like or hint at getting together again, he doesn't respond. I know he's busy, and he ends up getting back to me and talking to me about another topic. Is it just too soon? The other thing is: We have two things planned for next week, but they're not dates -- just events we're both going to with other people. One I invited him to, and another he invited me to.

    I'm happy to have met someone who seems mature and reliable, but I'm just not used to things crawling so slowly...I know he recently got out of a serious relationship, and I want to build up trust, but don't want to seem pushy, even though I really just want to get to know him and spend more time with him.

    Is this all happening at a normal pace? I.e. should we be trying to see each other as frequently as possible -- which is my experience with most guys -- or can it just sort of slowly evolve? What do I watch out for?

    Thanks guys

    did u have sex?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 9:03 PM GMT

    "Since then he's still been communicative, but when I ask what his schedule is like or hint at getting together again, he doesn't respond. I know he's busy, and he ends up getting back to me and talking to me about another topic."

    Then stop asking! You'll be seeing him in the next week at two events, so wait and see how he is when you meet up.

    Incidentally, I think that you inviting him to one event, and he inviting you to another are......dates!
  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    Feb 21, 2013 9:11 PM GMT
    I'm going to agree with those who say he's not that into you (sorry to say).

    I have a bad habit - when I meet someone who I like and think is a good person I try to convince myself there could be (or should be) something more. I want to be attracted to someone who seems like a good guy. And so I will communicate, even go on a few more dates, in an attempt to convince myself it can work. But in the end, attraction and chemistry are what they are, and you can't force it.

    Posts like yours are why I call this a bad habit - one I'm trying to break. Because while my intentions may be good, at the end of the day the person on the other side just ends up confused, which is a bad outcome for everyone.

    Bottom line, if this resonates, then I'd say he probably likes you...but not in that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2013 10:24 PM GMT
    muscsportsguy saidI'm going to agree with those who say he's not that into you (sorry to say).

    I have a bad habit - when I meet someone who I like and think is a good person I try to convince myself there could be (or should be) something more. I want to be attracted to someone who seems like a good guy. And so I will communicate, even go on a few more dates, in an attempt to convince myself it can work. But in the end, attraction and chemistry are what they are, and you can't force it.

    Posts like yours are why I call this a bad habit - one I'm trying to break. Because while my intentions may be good, at the end of the day the person on the other side just ends up confused, which is a bad outcome for everyone.

    Bottom line, if this resonates, then I'd say he probably likes you...but not in that way.


    I have the same habit =/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 12:30 AM GMT
    Jesus, is he supposed to have sex with you on the 2nd date? Sorry, but I respect his pace, and I personally like moving slow.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 1:58 AM GMT
    To avoid being friend-zoned without knowing, one thing I always ask before anything is "what's your type of guy?" It's just an impersonal way of asking the blunt question "did you find me attractive?"

    If I happen to be his type he will have no problem describing someone similar to me. Otherwise he can just be honest for the sake of answering the supposedly impersonal question without the fear of hurting me -- I was the one who asked it after all. As a bonus I end up knowing why I've been rejected entirely or just friend-zoned.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 2:01 AM GMT
    Well, reading muscsportsguy and redacting's posts it's no surprise I had to develop this defense.
  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Feb 22, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    muscsportsguy saidI'm going to agree with those who say he's not that into you (sorry to say).

    I have a bad habit - when I meet someone who I like and think is a good person I try to convince myself there could be (or should be) something more. I want to be attracted to someone who seems like a good guy. And so I will communicate, even go on a few more dates, in an attempt to convince myself it can work. But in the end, attraction and chemistry are what they are, and you can't force it.

    Posts like yours are why I call this a bad habit - one I'm trying to break. Because while my intentions may be good, at the end of the day the person on the other side just ends up confused, which is a bad outcome for everyone.

    Bottom line, if this resonates, then I'd say he probably likes you...but not in that way.


    Thanks for the feedback. Guess will just have to wait and see. I'm not convinced now that we're a match in relationship terms just yet, although we definitely like each others' company. Maybe moving slowly is a way to feel it out and determine if maybe it's best we be friends.

    I find that most guys who are mature and have busy, fulfilling lives are not willing to jump into a relationship too quickly, even when they meet someone great. If it's meant to be it will work out, and having said that it doesn't matter if it takes a week or a month to figure that out.

    I just wonder how to strike balance when I see him next between indicating I'm interested in exploring dating OR that I'm okay with friendship...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 4:53 PM GMT
    He is single. He gets bored. You give him attention. He likes that.

    "But he doesnt really find you that attractive."

    You give him attention. He is busy. He ignores you.

    He is single. He is getting bored. You give him attention. He responds.

    He is just not that into you.

    I have been that "he" quite a number of times and I have also been you once.

    I have often dated guys whom I had no interest in sexually but they were super attentive and loving so I stayed with them. However eventually I would always break up because the sex was doing absolutely nothing for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2013 5:05 PM GMT
    What's the harm in just addressing this with him? You can be straight forward and subtle at the same time. Just no sense in trying to figure out exactly what he is thinking or relying on advice (be it good or bad) from people on the forums. It does seem like he is still making an effort to spend time with you. If you are hanging out twice in one week, regardless of whether or not there are other people involved, then it seems like he enjoys spending time with you. Also, if he just left a relationship, he may not be looking to rush into anything. If you enjoy spending time with him, keep on doing what you're doing. If it seems like he is no longer interested, then just have that conversation with him. I would wait and see how this week goes though before doing anything. It's healthy to not want to spend every moment with a potential interest so you might be looking for too much too quickly here. Just a thought.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 22, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, give him opportunities to take the initiative and see whats up. It may just be he moves at a different speed.
    Just understand, it may become obvious he's not there, in that case, move along quickly.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 22, 2013 5:12 PM GMT
    whatever3009 saidHe is single. He gets bored. You give him attention. He likes that.

    "But he doesnt really find you that attractive."

    You give him attention. He is busy. He ignores you.

    He is single. He is getting bored. You give him attention. He responds.

    He is just not that into you.

    I have been that "he" quite a number of times and I have also been you once.

    I have often dated guys whom I had no interest in sexually but they were super attentive and loving so I stayed with them. However eventually I would always break up because the sex was doing absolutely nothing for me.


    This x100. I do it too.. with guys I'm not that into. I like the attention, but I don't necessarily want to fuck them. So the cycle repeats itself exactly this same way. Sad, but true.
  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    Feb 25, 2013 7:17 PM GMT
    linvect96 said
    muscsportsguy saidI'm going to agree with those who say he's not that into you (sorry to say).

    I have a bad habit - when I meet someone who I like and think is a good person I try to convince myself there could be (or should be) something more. I want to be attracted to someone who seems like a good guy. And so I will communicate, even go on a few more dates, in an attempt to convince myself it can work. But in the end, attraction and chemistry are what they are, and you can't force it.

    Posts like yours are why I call this a bad habit - one I'm trying to break. Because while my intentions may be good, at the end of the day the person on the other side just ends up confused, which is a bad outcome for everyone.

    Bottom line, if this resonates, then I'd say he probably likes you...but not in that way.


    Thanks for the feedback. Guess will just have to wait and see. I'm not convinced now that we're a match in relationship terms just yet, although we definitely like each others' company. Maybe moving slowly is a way to feel it out and determine if maybe it's best we be friends.

    I find that most guys who are mature and have busy, fulfilling lives are not willing to jump into a relationship too quickly, even when they meet someone great. If it's meant to be it will work out, and having said that it doesn't matter if it takes a week or a month to figure that out.

    I just wonder how to strike balance when I see him next between indicating I'm interested in exploring dating OR that I'm okay with friendship...


    I think you're right about the fact that people with busy fulfilling lives may (don't want to overgeneralize) be less inclined to jump right into something with two feet. So that's a fair point. And if you're fine with just being friends, then best advice is to hang out with him as you have planned and just see what develops without being overtly concerned about it. Good luck!

    As an aside, I will say that I did date one guy who moved very, very slowly to the point I thought he wasn't interested. It turned out he was and we dated for a while. But that's been the exception, not the rule.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    Larkin's Litany of All Relationship Issues

    You will always have time for something you want to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 9:19 PM GMT
    "Since then he's still been communicative, but when I ask what his schedule is like or hint at getting together again, he doesn't respond. I know he's busy, and he ends up getting back to me and talking to me about another topic."

    I was on the fence until I re-read the above sentence. Think about the last time you either flat out ingnored or changed the subject when asked a question that involved the slightest bit of commitment. Now ask yourself what made you do that. This will give you the insight into how he feels about you. My take is that he can take you or leave you. You are not currently a pririority in his life. So either give him reason to make you a priority or move on. If you really like him perhaps you should not make yourself so available to him. Scarcity tends to add value sometimes. I know this sounds like game playing but it's reality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 9:21 PM GMT
    He's just not that into you.

    I've dated guys that I wasn't super attracted to, but they were nice guys, so while I wasn't extremely excited to meet up with them again or even respond to their texts, I would eventually when I was a) bored enough or b) had convinced myself to give them another shot because they were so nice that I SHOULD be into them.

    I think that's what's going on here. He likes you as a person, but he's not as into you as you are into him, so he's keeping you on the back burner by eventually replying to you.
  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Feb 26, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    Thanks guys. Really curious how things will play out. We're seeing each other tonight at an event. I'll be really busy talking to people there but it's something we're both interested in and he's expressed a lot of enthusiasm about coming.

    I know that when I'm not into a guy at all, I do my absolute best not to lead them on or hint that there's some interest, even going so far as to say "let's be friends."

    I have kept communication to a minimum knowing that we had these events coming up; I knew he was busy, he knew I was, so what's the point of texting back and forth when we know we're going to see each other in a few days?