I need advice, in love with a very kind man

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 23, 2013 5:17 AM GMT
    Hello, in New York, what I call a "dystopian paradise". I'm 25, I've never been in relationship. I went through the hooking up at bars phase and I'm over it. I know that I want a boyfriend, a long term boyfriend. Hell, I would skip the boyfriend phase and be married right now if I could.

    So I fell in love with a boy. I barely know him. I had one indepth conversation with him. He works at a bar that I go to, so I feel it would be weird to just start up random conversations with him when he is working. But I just can't help it, I'm totally in love with his aura, his personality, and just him. Ever met somebody whose goodness just radiated outwards and rattled you to your very core?

    This young man is so kind, that when I finally walked up to him and told him that I "was in love with him, or at least with the idea of him" that he smiled. He came up to me afterwards on his way out and kinda touched my arm. I guess he wanted to tell me something, but I abruptly blurted out "Good night", and smiled.

    The next time I saw him, I was talking to a friend at the bar, and he was clearing glasses around us. I kept talking to my friend and acted like I didn't see him. Finally, he tapped me on my arm and say "hey". I was mortified, but I said "hi" back.

    Talking to his coworker, I found out that he is "trying to get back together with his ex", so he is single.

    Oh, one time before that I asked him out for coffee. He told me that he is a kind of "stay to myself kind of guy."

    I found his Facebook page through a friend from the bar's page. The question is, should I add him and send him a little message? Is that creepy? Or should I just try to engage him. I think he likes me.... a little.

    Thing is, this guy is like my perfect match. He is filmmaker/artist, I'm a filmmaker/writer (only he went to an Ivy League, yikes). He is just the kindest, most humble young man I've ever met. I can't explain it.

    Hmm.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1117

    Feb 23, 2013 5:34 AM GMT
    Be careful with infatuations, I fear that is what you are experiencing!? you cannot fall in Love with an image, a body, kind words, or even shared interests; and expect something more, as a strong foundation for the kind of relationship you are hoping for? You FALL IN LOVE with the person that HE ONLY SEES AND KNOWS! the day you see yourself accepting all that he is despite his flaws, is the day that you will fall in Love with him!
  • PolaroidSwing...

    Posts: 1131

    Feb 23, 2013 5:37 AM GMT
    ElijahtheGreat saidI barely know him. I had one indepth conversation with him.


    I probably would have held back on "I love you". If you do try and contact him you should keep it friendly, and much more casual.


    I asked him out for coffee. He told me that he is a kind of "stay to myself kind of guy."

    I think he's already given you his answer though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 6:39 AM GMT
    I think you should get to know him a little better before adding him on facebook.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 8:55 AM GMT
    My comments in blue...

    ElijahtheGreat saidHello, in New York, what I call a "dystopian paradise". I'm 25, I've never been in relationship. I went through the hooking up at bars phase and I'm over it. I know that I want a boyfriend, a long term boyfriend. Hell, I would skip the boyfriend phase and be married right now if I could. How can you get married to someone if you don't actually learn who they are, over time? How do you accomplish that without being their boyfriend first?

    So I fell in love with a boy. I barely know him. Read those last two sentences to yourself over and over again... I had one indepth conversation with him. He works at a bar that I go to, so I feel it would be weird to just start up random conversations with him when he is working. But I just can't help it, I'm totally in love with his aura, his personality, and just him. Ever met somebody whose goodness just radiated outwards and rattled you to your very core?Yes! These are good signs that you MIGHT be compatible, but do you know him?

    This young man is so kind, that when I finally walked up to him and told him that I "was in love with him, or at least with the idea of him" that he smiled. He came up to me afterwards on his way out and kinda touched my arm. I guess he wanted to tell me something, but I abruptly blurted out "Good night", and smiled.

    The next time I saw him, I was talking to a friend at the bar, and he was clearing glasses around us. I kept talking to my friend and acted like I didn't see him. Finally, he tapped me on my arm and say "hey". I was mortified, but I said "hi" back.

    Talking to his coworker, I found out that he is "trying to get back together with his ex", so he is single.

    Oh, one time before that I asked him out for coffee. He told me that he is a kind of "stay to myself kind of guy."

    I found his Facebook page through a friend from the bar's page. The question is, should I add him and send him a little message? Is that creepy? Or should I just try to engage him. I think he likes me.... a little.

    Thing is, this guy is like my perfect matchHow do you know this is true? You might FEEL this, but you don't KNOW it.. He is filmmaker/artist, I'm a filmmaker/writer (only he went to an Ivy League, yikes). He is just the kindest, most humble young man I've ever met. I can't explain it. Perhaps you can't explain it because you don't really know him? I have known people who dated for years, and when the relationship ended, they told me that they never really understood or knew who their ex really was.

    Hmm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 1:24 PM GMT
    Moving a little fast, aren't you? This doesn't sound like love. But what do I know.
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Feb 23, 2013 1:41 PM GMT
    You've never been in a relationship but yet you claim to love someone you barely know? You're infatuated with him. You need to get to know this guy way more before we start bringing up that four-letter word.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 2:12 PM GMT
    It's alright to be nervous, talk to him even if your voice shakes.

    You need to get to know him, and leave the business about "I love you" out haha, I know what you mean... but I love you is a very very significant thing to say to someone and it means a lot more than what you are feeling right now.

    Go to where he works, (soon!), talk to him and then ask if he would like to do something sometime.

    You'll be fine icon_smile.gif

    Good luck!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 23, 2013 5:47 PM GMT
    If I were you I'd say "Can I start over?" Then introduce yourself like a gentleman and laughingly apologize for being so goofy/timid, ridiculous. Ivy guys aren't going to put up with silly people. If he laughs and says "Sure," then ask him out for a cup of coffee. Tell him you were acting like a 7th grade schoolgirl at a Justin Beiber concert but that is under control now. Then start talking and letting him talk. Get to know him. Stay away from the Facebook for a while or away from him there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 6:27 PM GMT
    Figure out your needs. Then try to figure out what aspects of his personality tickled those needs during your conversation. Our needs drive nearly every emotion and action. Him being kind and humble likely addressed a need of yours to feel accepted and safe. Him smiling at you and tapping your shoulder was him acknowledging you (more acceptance). I'm concerned about the you identifying this with falling in love so soon though.

    I would just ask him if he wants to hang out sometime. Hang out, get to know each other. You're both pretty young here so just go with it and slowwww down on the love thing. Good luck.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 23, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to break this to you, but, you're a stalker. And you need to wake up fucking fast as to what you're doing. It's not funny. Your feelings for him are understandable--we all fall in love with the idea of someone--but what you're doing to keep tabs on him isn't healthy.

    You need to snap awake. You don't *know* him. You just think you do. You're projecting your vision of a perfect partner on him and attaching to that.This doesn't end well for you.

    Either you make a real move to get to know the real him and face if it's even a match, or you move on. That's what a secure, healthy person with feelings will do.
  • flahotstuff

    Posts: 154

    Feb 23, 2013 6:51 PM GMT
    Sounds too good to be true- if he is interested let him come to you- don't be too pushy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 6:59 PM GMT
    lol, young love.

    I suggest you mention to him in person that you saw him on FB. IF, and only if, he says to friend him or asks to friend you then away you go.

    Quite frankly I'm a little mystified by some of the responses here. You told him you loved him; at least in love with the idea of him. Though very forward and a huge risk emotionally, you're young and inexperienced and 'the only to find out is to try out'. It was a wonderful compliment.

    He's said that he's a stay to himself kind of guy when you suggested coffee. This tells me he is indeed hoping to get back with the ex and so is deliberately steering clear of situations that may create complications.

    Continue to talk with him when you see him; be sweet n nice. If anything is ever going to happen it's completely out of your control. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    Get some distance. With distance comes perspective. If you feel as strongly for him even after, then do what the other posters have suggested and try starting over with him.

    Be sure that if you continue to pursue him, it is for the reason of wanting to know who he really is, rather than what the idea of him can do for you.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 23, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    Thanks for all your replies guys. Even the guy who called me a stalker (isn't that the whole purpose of facebook? haha)

    I guess I got a bit ahead of myself. From my admittedly transient interactions with this man, I can't truly say that I "love" him, but who knows. I agree that nothing will ever come of it if I don't talk to him.

    My opinion on the whole "stay to myself" and ex-situation: his ex is an ex for a reason. Don't know why, but he is an ex. Of course he is going to turn down my initial request for coffee. If some guy in a bar calls you over and asks you out for coffee randomly, you are not going to say yes. Especially not a man like him.

    Maybe this "crush" or "infatuation" will die down. I might be more excited about the fact that I can actually feel something. Years of meaningless one night stands have caused some damage.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Feb 23, 2013 10:07 PM GMT
    ElijahtheGreat saidHello, in New York, what I call a "dystopian paradise". I'm 25, I've never been in relationship. I went through the hooking up at bars phase and I'm over it. I know that I want a boyfriend, a long term boyfriend. Hell, I would skip the boyfriend phase and be married right now if I could.

    So I fell in love with a boy. I barely know him. I had one indepth conversation with him. He works at a bar that I go to, so I feel it would be weird to just start up random conversations with him when he is working. But I just can't help it, I'm totally in love with his aura, his personality, and just him. Ever met somebody whose goodness just radiated outwards and rattled you to your very core?

    This young man is so kind, that when I finally walked up to him and told him that I "was in love with him, or at least with the idea of him" that he smiled. He came up to me afterwards on his way out and kinda touched my arm. I guess he wanted to tell me something, but I abruptly blurted out "Good night", and smiled.

    The next time I saw him, I was talking to a friend at the bar, and he was clearing glasses around us. I kept talking to my friend and acted like I didn't see him. Finally, he tapped me on my arm and say "hey". I was mortified, but I said "hi" back.

    Talking to his coworker, I found out that he is "trying to get back together with his ex", so he is single.

    Oh, one time before that I asked him out for coffee. He told me that he is a kind of "stay to myself kind of guy."

    I found his Facebook page through a friend from the bar's page. The question is, should I add him and send him a little message? Is that creepy? Or should I just try to engage him. I think he likes me.... a little.

    Thing is, this guy is like my perfect match. He is filmmaker/artist, I'm a filmmaker/writer (only he went to an Ivy League, yikes). He is just the kindest, most humble young man I've ever met. I can't explain it.

    Hmm.


    fuck him.
    Marry me. icon_cool.gif
    I'll treat you the way u should be treated.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 24, 2013 2:11 AM GMT
    Import said
    ElijahtheGreat saidHello, in New York, what I call a "dystopian paradise". I'm 25, I've never been in relationship. I went through the hooking up at bars phase and I'm over it. I know that I want a boyfriend, a long term boyfriend. Hell, I would skip the boyfriend phase and be married right now if I could.

    So I fell in love with a boy. I barely know him. I had one indepth conversation with him. He works at a bar that I go to, so I feel it would be weird to just start up random conversations with him when he is working. But I just can't help it, I'm totally in love with his aura, his personality, and just him. Ever met somebody whose goodness just radiated outwards and rattled you to your very core?

    This young man is so kind, that when I finally walked up to him and told him that I "was in love with him, or at least with the idea of him" that he smiled. He came up to me afterwards on his way out and kinda touched my arm. I guess he wanted to tell me something, but I abruptly blurted out "Good night", and smiled.

    The next time I saw him, I was talking to a friend at the bar, and he was clearing glasses around us. I kept talking to my friend and acted like I didn't see him. Finally, he tapped me on my arm and say "hey". I was mortified, but I said "hi" back.

    Talking to his coworker, I found out that he is "trying to get back together with his ex", so he is single.

    Oh, one time before that I asked him out for coffee. He told me that he is a kind of "stay to myself kind of guy."

    I found his Facebook page through a friend from the bar's page. The question is, should I add him and send him a little message? Is that creepy? Or should I just try to engage him. I think he likes me.... a little.

    Thing is, this guy is like my perfect match. He is filmmaker/artist, I'm a filmmaker/writer (only he went to an Ivy League, yikes). He is just the kindest, most humble young man I've ever met. I can't explain it.

    Hmm.


    fuck him.
    Marry me. icon_cool.gif
    I'll treat you the way u should be treated.


    Haha. You look like a husband. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:37 PM GMT
    If it is true that he's trying to get back together with his ex, let him be. Don't complicate his life any further. That would be the selfless thing to do. You will find the love of your life in due time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2013 1:07 PM GMT
    Are you an English professor?
    JerseyJames75 saidMy comments in blue...

    ElijahtheGreat saidHello, in New York, what I call a "dystopian paradise". I'm 25, I've never been in relationship. I went through the hooking up at bars phase and I'm over it. I know that I want a boyfriend, a long term boyfriend. Hell, I would skip the boyfriend phase and be married right now if I could. How can you get married to someone if you don't actually learn who they are, over time? How do you accomplish that without being their boyfriend first?

    So I fell in love with a boy. I barely know him. Read those last two sentences to yourself over and over again... I had one indepth conversation with him. He works at a bar that I go to, so I feel it would be weird to just start up random conversations with him when he is working. But I just can't help it, I'm totally in love with his aura, his personality, and just him. Ever met somebody whose goodness just radiated outwards and rattled you to your very core?Yes! These are good signs that you MIGHT be compatible, but do you know him?

    This young man is so kind, that when I finally walked up to him and told him that I "was in love with him, or at least with the idea of him" that he smiled. He came up to me afterwards on his way out and kinda touched my arm. I guess he wanted to tell me something, but I abruptly blurted out "Good night", and smiled.

    The next time I saw him, I was talking to a friend at the bar, and he was clearing glasses around us. I kept talking to my friend and acted like I didn't see him. Finally, he tapped me on my arm and say "hey". I was mortified, but I said "hi" back.

    Talking to his coworker, I found out that he is "trying to get back together with his ex", so he is single.

    Oh, one time before that I asked him out for coffee. He told me that he is a kind of "stay to myself kind of guy."

    I found his Facebook page through a friend from the bar's page. The question is, should I add him and send him a little message? Is that creepy? Or should I just try to engage him. I think he likes me.... a little.

    Thing is, this guy is like my perfect matchHow do you know this is true? You might FEEL this, but you don't KNOW it.. He is filmmaker/artist, I'm a filmmaker/writer (only he went to an Ivy League, yikes). He is just the kindest, most humble young man I've ever met. I can't explain it. Perhaps you can't explain it because you don't really know him? I have known people who dated for years, and when the relationship ended, they told me that they never really understood or knew who their ex really was.

    Hmm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2013 1:25 PM GMT
    Filmmaker/artist you say?

    I need a new place to eat in NYC. Where does he work?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2013 1:29 PM GMT
    He works at a bar. His job is to be nice to people to keep them coming back and spending more money. You fell for the game.

    This screams one word: Desperate.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Mar 10, 2013 1:36 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidIf I were you I'd say "Can I start over?" Then introduce yourself like a gentleman and laughingly apologize for being so goofy/timid, ridiculous.


    ^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^ You have to clean up the poop you already left on the floor before you ask him again