Unsolicited advice

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    Feb 24, 2013 7:55 AM GMT
    http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201012/unsolicited-advice-i-hate-it-you-hate-it-and-so-do-your-kids

    Came across this article recently and made me think a lot about communication style.

    How do you feel when given unsolicited advice? Is it welcome? Do you feel there is a power-play going on from the one giving the advice? Does your reception of said advice depend on the individual offering it?

    I'm of the camp that believes most unsolicited advice is well-intended, but mostly unwanted and annoying. However, I will accept advice from someone I respect, usually older and wiser, freely. Perhaps older individuals have honed their communication skills in such a way that there is no obvious bravado or "assertion of dominance" to quote the article. I especially enjoy the part about giving information in place of advice, respecting the individual enough to make their own decision.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:16 AM GMT
    Fuck no it's not welcome.


    DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM!? icon_mad.gif


    ....>_>;;
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:36 AM GMT
    I dislike people giving me advice unless I asked for....I dislike especially when the other person starts pestering me to take their advice.
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    Feb 24, 2013 3:23 PM GMT
    As soon as I hear the words " You should" I tune out.

    There are more effective methods available, if attempting to get someone too address a particular behavior.
    I tend to ask open-ended questions like; "Have you considered...."
    That way I'm never giving advice, I'm allowing the other person to take ownership of the situation and find their own solution, plus it creates a dialogue instead of just throwing out a judgement statement.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 24, 2013 5:20 PM GMT
    It sort of depends on the advice. 'You should try such-and-such restaurant" I'm okay with that. 'You should cut your hair such-and-such way' ... Not so much.
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    Feb 24, 2013 6:22 PM GMT
    Knowing that we only listen to what we want to hear--that we only hear what we want to see--I mostly tend to think of it as conversation-making though I could see a control freak abusing it.

    Now if someone is discussing their problem even casually as much conversation is or haphazardly as many conversations involve, or in simply describing a situation from their day which involved a problem, unless you are just talking to yourself with me just happening to be there, your conversation implicitly solicits pretty much any response you might get from me. Otherwise, you're the control freak, abridging my freedom of speech.

    I try to apply that judiciously and I can play the unpaid therapist and just listen when that seems appropriate. But sometimes, especially if your problem involves me or if I see you headed into serious danger with someone else, you're damned right I'm going to instruct. Hey, wake the fuck up, the light turned red. I'm not just gonna sit in your car while you crash without trying to prevent that.

    Staying with a friend for a few days this week, I'm reminded of when he sought my help to write up something for a biz deal involving tons of cash. What I wrote for him succeeded and helped facilitate that deal. Only later did he reveal to me some of the underhandedness. I was fuming that he had involved me even if just peripherally and I damned well let him know it. Don't ever play me like that again! There was no silencing me on that. I don't like big business a bit and stay away from that shit. It seemed above board at the time. Nothing illegal but as he later described it, certainly immoral. They fucked someone up. He's heeded my advice and now knows not to involve me.

    So while we're out just the other day and docked to have lunch, some guy hits his boat. At first it looked like the guy was being a douche but it turns out his gear got stuck in reverse. Boats don't have brakes. Shit happens.

    But there's hardly any damage, a scuff mark on the rub rail. My friend is anal about his things and I said I'm sorry this happened to you, but your boat just got christened, congrats. Like when your brand new car gets its first windshield rock chip a week after you buy it. It seems a big deal but it ain't.

    So after a ta do about nothin', he decides that he's going to fix it himself and then send the guy a bill for over 10 times cost. Now that didn't directly involve me nor did it place his life in jeopardy so I didn't advise anything. I just stared and listened like an unpaid therapist and I think I mostly held back shooting him a dirty look though some of that might have gotten through the stone-faced expression I was trying to hold.

    We head home. His wife & I go to the house to get the dog. He heads over for the mail and comes back with this story. At the community boxes he tells of our day to an elderly man there who's having trouble moving around. So the guy tells my friend about an accident he once had, how he fixed it cheap and thinks that will work on the boat. Then my friend says he had an epiphany and describes the older man as his guardian angel.

    The angel told him that what comes around goes around. The guy didn't do much damage. He didn't mean to do it. It's not gonna cost you much to fix it. Why not let him go? And my friend was feeling good about himself to finally be able to hear such advice that he never would have accepted from a friend trying to tell him the same thing for the last 40 fucking years. But I kept the faith--like claiming to have loosened the stuck lid of a jar--that one day he'd be able to open up and hear my tired advice to him fresh from the world.
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    Feb 24, 2013 6:59 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidFuck no it's not welcome.


    DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM!? icon_mad.gif


    ....>_>;;

    She just wants to see you happy! ugh. Ungrateful kids icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    If I'm upset when given advice, I need to check my ego.
    If the person giving it think he does it for my own good, it's a nice feeling, even if the advice is stupid.
    If the adviser just want to control me or tell me how I should feel, it's cute to see him unaware he is ridiculing himself ;)

    Good or bad, advice is information, so it's often useful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:58 PM GMT
    I never give advice unless it is sought. Often, people are just looking for someone to blame for their problems and mistakes. I'm not going to be someone's scapegoat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    Have you heard that saying?, "Advice is usually worth as much as it costs. NOTHING."
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:31 PM GMT
    A dear friend of yours is about to make a manuever in life and doesn't outright solicit but discusses with you beforehand his situation and intent.

    If you advise him, he winds up dead.

    If you withhold advice, he winds up dead.

    Which is worse?
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:33 PM GMT


    I think all the gays above me should take my advice. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 24, 2013 8:37 PM GMT
    Im too busy masturbating to take anyones advice right now.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    Supposedly advice giving is not effective for behavior change because people become adverse to the advice and may do the perceived opposite for the heck of it.

    It depends on the person and situation. For example, in healthcare, it's often always advice giving; the healthcare model has limited effect too for that reason.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 24, 2013 8:44 PM GMT
    huhwhat said
    Ariodante saidFuck no it's not welcome.


    DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM!? icon_mad.gif


    ....>_>;;

    She just wants to see you happy! ugh. Ungrateful kids icon_rolleyes.gif

    oh .. I see now ... this thread is to give unsolicited advice ... would that be for just those posting to thread .. or anyone on RJ

    Ok ... I'll start

    OP .... you should change the subject to:
    Give some unsolicited advice to the guy above you
    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    OP .... you should change the subject to:
    Give some unsolicited advice to the guy above you
    icon_lol.gif


    This has hilarious flamewar potential!

    "Guy above me, incorporate more bran into your diet. You look constipated icon_neutral.gif "
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 24, 2013 9:39 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    AMoonHawk said
    OP .... you should change the subject to:
    Give some unsolicited advice to the guy above you
    icon_lol.gif


    This has hilarious flamewar potential!

    "Guy above me, incorporate more bran into your diet. You look constipated icon_neutral.gif "

    icon_eek.gif
    guy above me: add L-Carnitine to your vitamin regime ... just because I care icon_smile.gif

    ... and stop picking up guys from Craigs list
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 12:56 AM GMT
    dcblue said...
    How do you feel when given unsolicited advice? Is it welcome? Do you feel there is a power-play going on from the one giving the advice? Does your reception of said advice depend on the individual offering it?

    ...


    In the forums and other interwebz, I love giving unsolicited advice whether it's welcome or not. Power-play? No.

    I do listen to unsolicited advice. Then, I make a decision as to whether the "advice" offers anything of worth or if it's just plain shit.

    I only offer unsolicited advice to very close friends. And, only when they're "going over a cliff" with something. I usually start with, "(FirstName), I love you very much. And, do you trust enough in my love for you to hear something difficult I have to share?"

    The answer is either "yes", or "no".

    A "yes" answer then gives me permission to share my "unsolicited advice".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 12:58 AM GMT
    MidwesternKid saidIm too busy masturbating to take anyones advice right now.


    My advice to you would be to share pictures and video with me. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 12:58 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    I think all the gays above me should take my advice. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


    And, the smart ones will listen. icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 25, 2013 1:16 AM GMT
    It's all in the delivery. I always ask people about their intentions if they're doing something different. "Do you prefer driving in 2nd gear?" and I accept their answer. If they ask why, I would just say, "everyone has different styles and some people like to ____ while others do ____. Was curious about what you prefer..."

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    Feb 25, 2013 1:57 AM GMT
    theantijock said... Like when your brand new car gets its first windshield rock chip a week after you buy it. It seems a big deal but it ain't.

    ...


    Ahh! I remember driving off the lot with my brand new 10th Anniversary Mazda Miata 6 speed. I was proudly going over to my ex-lover's house to show him the new car. When I pulled into his parking lot, there was a dip, then an upward grade into the parking space. I totally scraped the front end ground effects. It had not even been 1 hour off the lot.

    I sat in the car for a few moments, and sighed.

    I got out of the car and looked at the scraped up ground effects and thought to myself, "It's done. I've broken her cherry. Now I can really ride her hard."

    I never had more fun with a car than that sweet little Mazda.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 25, 2013 2:01 AM GMT
    My brother, the asshole, is the king of unsolicited advice. That's why I do my best to avoid him.
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    Feb 25, 2013 2:42 PM GMT
    GAMRican said
    theantijock said... Like when your brand new car gets its first windshield rock chip a week after you buy it. It seems a big deal but it ain't.

    ...


    ...I sat in the car for a few moments, and sighed.

    I got out of the car and looked at the scraped up ground effects and thought to myself, "It's done. I've broken her cherry. Now I can really ride her hard."

    I never had more fun with a car than that sweet little Mazda.


    The first ding is the deepest....



    GAMRican said...In the forums and other interwebz, I love giving unsolicited advice whether it's welcome or not....


    I've had occasion to unsolicitedly advise on this forum. When someone's very rude to me, I advise them to go to hell.

    It's not only advice when you don't like it, so I think people advise each other all the time. They just don't call it that. Even everyone who participated on this thread did nothing but unsolicitedly advise others on how they view and handle unsolicited advice. Or did anyone here really think they were sharing their lives and thoughts without having any influence in the world whatsoever because they never heard of the butterfly effect.

    The problem in this regard with being an existentialist is that generally those smart enough to comprehend and to attempt to apply the philosophy are likely also those aware enough to understand interconnectedness. I tend myself towards existentialism in its esoteric sense but I don't fool myself into a denial of its futility in practice. Or tell me, just how does an existentialist toilet train their kid? Not that I would ever think of advising anyone about that without having first been asked outright, so anyone who happens to read this should let that in one ear and immediately out the other just to be safe.

    I think the only person in life I don't advise is me. I never take my own advise which is a shame because if I was two people, I'd know exactly what to tell myself and I'd listen to me too even if it seemed redundant at the time because I'd already know just what I needed to hear.