Met a guy who misled me

  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Feb 24, 2013 8:37 AM GMT
    So I talk to this guy on Grindr (I know, I know, shut up), we seem to hit it off, we talk on the phone, he sends me like 25 G-rated pics of himself and he's a handsome guy, I send him pics back, blah blah blah, he tells me about how he had cancer and was on meds for it, about moving down here recently, stuff like that.

    We agree to meet at a park one sudden night. I go there, letting him know I haven't shaved that week or gotten a haircut, so I'd look kind of hobo-ish, and he tells me he won't judge me and that same applies to him. I meet him at the park, and he's about 60 pounds heavier than all the photos I saw of him.

    I make no mention of it, keep it short, and we depart after 5 minutes with me intentionally keeping a lot of awkward silences and barely looking his way to clue him in that I didn't want a second date. I know I pussed out in not mentioning it right away, but the meet up was literally only five minutes so I figured he'd take the hint.

    He texts me later that night, and after some debate with myself and hearing so many times on here about how guys just disappear off the face of the earth after dates, I thought he deserved to hear my thoughts:

    Date: Have a good night. I would like to see you again.
    Me: That was really deceitful of you. You shouldn't send 25 pics of you from a long time ago and act as if that's you today. You're really nice and I can tell you mean well and I know you've gone through tought shit but that was lying in itself to me and that's a huge turn off and red flag. I'm really sorry man.
    Date: So I'm ugly? Wow I guess cancer was better. Thanks.
    Me: You're not ugly at all but you misled me from the beginning about one of your most basic traits, what you look like, so don't give me a fuckin guilt trip man.
    Date: No guilt trip. I'm not a different guy. It's me. I'm sorry I'm not attractive now. I'm not this way by choice. Thanks for being my first try at it. I didn't lie. You're a great guy.
    Me: I don't give a shit that you gained weight dude, I give a shit that you lied to me about it before even meeting me.
    Date: I'm sorry. I didn't know how to explain the situation. Aside from everything I'm still the same guy you talked to. I tried to tell you. I really liked you and we clicked well. Can you forgive me for being stupid? I would like to see you.



    Sorry it's so long. I'm wondering if I'm handling this all wrong, should I have just not told him anything? I've heard internet horror stories about stuff like this but I never thought it'd actually happen to me and it's a little scary to me that people can so easily lie about this and then act all hunky-dory when the truth comes out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:58 AM GMT
    I think it's good you gave him a dose of truth. Hopefully he'll learn his lesson for future encounters with other people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 9:16 AM GMT
    You were honest.

    He was not.

    /thread
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 12:57 PM GMT
    SirAndy saidYou were honest.

    He was not.

    /thread

    This. He knew his weight gain was an issue, or he would be sending pics of himself with the extra 25 pounds. He got caught and tried to dance around it, good for you.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 24, 2013 1:19 PM GMT
    madfacts said
    SirAndy saidYou were honest.

    He was not.

    /thread

    This. He knew his weight gain was an issue, or he would be sending pics of himself with the extra 25 pounds. He got caught and tried to dance around it, good for you.


    This x100. He lied to you by sending outdated pictures. You weren't attracted to him upon meeting. Case closed. Don't feel ashamed about it, and don't let him guilt trip you into a second date.

    First rule of dating: There has to be mutual physical attraction.

    He broke the first rule. He's done.
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    Feb 24, 2013 1:29 PM GMT
    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks said
    Sorry it's so long. I'm wondering if I'm handling this all wrong, should I have just not told him anything? I've heard internet horror stories about stuff like this but I never thought it'd actually happen to me and it's a little scary to me that people can so easily lie about this and then act all hunky-dory when the truth comes out.

    He was wrong, you are right. I've recently had cancer, too, seems OK now. Contrary to the common expectation of losing weight, the treatment caused me to put on a lot of weight, that I continue to have, partly because my testosterone is still very low. Plus I was already gaining weight before it. Bottom line - I'm heavy today, like your date, and medical conditions can quickly do that.

    When I joined RJ I posted no face pics for security reasons. Later I posted older pics from the mid-2000s, which already didn't look a lot like me, but I figured that was good for security purposes, too. But then I was scheduled to meet some RJers in person, and though it was just social, not a date (in fact my partner came along), I would have been embarrassed if they compared me to my slimmer & younger RJ pics.

    So I quickly added some current ones, that showed my full age and size. And all my private pics (that I've opened to you to confirm) have captions with the dates and my age, so there's no question when they were taken, including my current profile pic. I think everyone should do that, if they do post pics of themselves.

    And certainly before meeting a guy on a date. Did he think you wouldn't notice and feel deceived? At least say "these aren't current, I've gained some pounds since, in the process of losing." Truth in advertising is really essential if you want a date to be repeated, and maybe proceed to something more.
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    Feb 24, 2013 2:01 PM GMT
    You were right and good for you in not just vanishing. I have tried this a lot lately after so many threads here on RJ, when I go and meet a guy I try and be honest, and it has gotten me into some interesting arguments, lol I generally do it in person.
    Look this happens a lot more than anyone would care to admit, so many times you go and meet some guy and his pics are not a true representation of how they actually look.
    Sound an awful lot like he was seeking a pity fuck to me. harsh maybe but happened so many times to so many gay and straight people in the past.
    Move on you did right
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    Feb 24, 2013 2:16 PM GMT
    I think you handled this situation with class.
    It was respectful of you to reply back to this unfortunate fellow whereas most guys would either ignore or blast him with ugly insults. You have given him an opportunity to be more forthcoming with the truth for any of his future encounters, and you kept your dignity in the process.
    Good on ya.
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    Feb 24, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    Wow. I guess I have a different opinion.

    Here's my take: Sure, the guy shouldn't have shown you old pics. And he should have told you he had put on a lot of weight.

    That said--no disrespect intended--but couldn't you have been a little nicer? I mean, Jesus God, the guy had cancer. He probably went through hell. The weight gain probably had everything to do with his treatment. His confidence is likely at an incredible low. Maybe he was afraid that you would be turned off.

    So he didn't mention the fact that he had gained a lot of weight. That's not good, but it doesn't mean he's evil or even deceitful. He even told you right away that he had cancer. Sounds like he's pretty open to me. Just not perfect.

    IMO, your meanness to him was worse than the lie he told.

    In your text, even you said he was "really nice" and meant well. If that's the case, can't you try to understand where he's coming from -- and cut him a little slack?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 2:39 PM GMT
    Here's what I learned from past Grindr meetups: add 5 to 10 years to their profile age and at least 10 to 20 lbs to their stated weight. I think I met one guy who was honest about both.
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    Feb 24, 2013 3:13 PM GMT
    LittleDudeWithMuscles saidWow. I guess I have a different opinion.

    Here's my take: Sure, the guy shouldn't have shown you old pics. And he should have told you he had put on a lot of weight.

    That said--no disrespect intended--but couldn't you have been a little nicer? I mean, Jesus God, the guy had cancer. He probably went through hell. The weight gain probably had everything to do with his treatment. His confidence is likely at an incredible low. Maybe he was afraid that you would be turned off.

    So he didn't mention the fact that he had gained a lot of weight. That's not good, but it doesn't mean he's evil or even deceitful. He even told you right away that he had cancer. Sounds like he's pretty open to me. Just not perfect.

    IMO, your meanness to him was worse than the lie he told.

    In your text, even you said he was "really nice" and meant well. If that's the case, can't you try to understand where he's coming from -- and cut him a little slack?



    I'm sorry but having cancer doesn't give him a free pass to not be honest about what he looks like. It's one thing if he sent those pics and said that they were from years ago and that he's put on weight because of whatever. But he withheld information and passed off false information as the truth. In a court, he'd be considered a liar.

    Personally, I would have handled it with more tact - not dropping "I don't give a shit.". After the guilt trip one. I would have just said that you lied and it isn't going to work. Sorry and end conversation there.

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Feb 24, 2013 3:24 PM GMT
    7 years ago I chatted with a local guy on gay.com. After a couple of months of chatting and picture exchanging we agreed to meet up at a local coffee shop.

    I got there about 10 minutes early, stayed in my car in the parking lot and watched for his arrival.

    He arrived in a beat up, lime green Ford Maverick (NOT the first generation Mustang convertible we chatted about). The man that climbed out of the beater was at least 25 pounds heavier and 15 years older than the pictures he and sent me!

    Later on that evening he texted me an angry message about "standing him up".

    I texted back "NICE PICTURES, NICE MUSTANG, NICE LIES". Never heard from the poser/looser again.
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Feb 24, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    LittleDudeWithMuscles saidWow. I guess I have a different opinion.

    Here's my take: Sure, the guy shouldn't have shown you old pics. And he should have told you he had put on a lot of weight.

    That said--no disrespect intended--but couldn't you have been a little nicer? I mean, Jesus God, the guy had cancer. He probably went through hell. The weight gain probably had everything to do with his treatment. His confidence is likely at an incredible low. Maybe he was afraid that you would be turned off.

    So he didn't mention the fact that he had gained a lot of weight. That's not good, but it doesn't mean he's evil or even deceitful. He even told you right away that he had cancer. Sounds like he's pretty open to me. Just not perfect.

    IMO, your meanness to him was worse than the lie he told.

    In your text, even you said he was "really nice" and meant well. If that's the case, can't you try to understand where he's coming from -- and cut him a little slack?




    THIS!

    REALITY CHECK ALERT!! and please take it as a constructive criticism.


    I hate to say this but even if the OP was so called "honest" his insensitive approach, lack of consideration, and I dare say superficiality was far worse then his attempt or credit for being so up front, towards a situation or the horrible life this Cancer patient is going through at the present time. His looks or gained weight should be the least of the OP's concerns, as the Cancer stricken date was more then honest by telling the OP before meeting him about his Cancer. He should have known that a person with Cancer suffers from all sorts of short backs, physical attractiveness is one of them! The OP might of being "up front" but more like insensitively honest, yes!!

    The OP'S meanness and insensitivity was far worse then this Cancer stricken date's attempt to make a good impression with out dated pictures of him. If the OP had at least one drop of common sense and humanness in him, the out dated pictures could have given him an idea of what his date looks like before his date current Cancer status, which alter his present physical appearance.

    I have dated people whose looks were not what I expected, and while it might of being a bit of a shock for me at first, as I get to know "THE PERSON" for who he is, was, and would be I quickly learned to overlook anything else, that at first impression could had being a huge turn off!





    First of all, thanks for all the feedback and constructive criticism and personal stories. This one however interests me. The guy said he had cancer years ago, he briefly mentioned it, didn't make it a big deal. My step mom got cancer, she prospered through it, she looks great and doesn't put up any kind of fronts about it, so I just took her as a rule of thumb I suppose.
    Excuse me, you're absolutely right, I should've been fully aware that, according to you "If the OP had at least one drop of common sense and humanness in him, the out dated pictures could have given him an idea of what his date looks like before his date current Cancer status", of course, stupid me, I was so foolish to forget the cardinal rule that everyone who got cancer sends pics of themselves from 5 years ago that look nothing like them when trying to date and not telling me that those pics are outdated and they should be fully excused and even rewarded for lying based on tough shit that happened to them. He got cancer. Yes, that's terrible. Does that give him a free pass to lie to people, because if they dare say anything back, they're insensitive pieces of shit? No. I was molested. Does that give me an excuse to lie, because tough shit happened to me? No. We've all got tough shit.

    Most of your argument consists of me being an asshole because I should've somehow instinctively known my date wouldn't look anything like the guy he sent me a photo of because he got cancer. Sure, maybe not, if he'd gotten cancer like a month ago. He got it YEARS ago. He made comments that strongly implied those photos were recent like "You're hot, I'm hot, things are bound to happen" yet claim that he's unattractive later when I see him.

    Your final comment was "I have dated people whose looks were not what I expected, and while it might of being a bit of a shock for me at first, as I get to know "THE PERSON" for who he is, was, and would be I quickly learned to overlook anything else, that at first impression could had being a huge turn off!" As have I. I've met up with guys who seemed pretty different than their pics, whether it's clothing choice, height, larger noses, different haircuts, and that didn't matter to me. But the guy sent me literally 25+ photos, all of them looking nothing like the guy I met. I wasn't expecting anything but the truth, which was far from what I got. So for you saying I lack human decency and am insensitive because I value honesty, I really hope that someone who would hold your position, meets someone online who you've taken quite the interest in, and then you meet him, and he's a 65 year old man. He's still the same person, he was just insecure about his age, you still had chemistry while on the phone and texted. I'm sure you'd handle that with such sensitivity and grace that it would put Mother Theresa to shame.

  • NBAFan7

    Posts: 9

    Feb 24, 2013 6:49 PM GMT
    If he was honest with you and sent a current picture, would you have honestly met with him?
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Feb 24, 2013 6:52 PM GMT
    Nope, which would have saved both of us a lot of time and hurt feelings and insecurity. Which is why he should've sent the pic instead of getting both our hopes up over disappointment. Does that make me an asshole?
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    Feb 24, 2013 6:53 PM GMT
    ummm so if he sent you 25 pictures of him super fat and then you met him and he was super hot would you feel the same way? cuz looking at it from that perspective, it makes you sound like an asshole. caveat: i would have done exactly the same as you so i'm just playing devil's advocate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    Maybe it's just me, but 25 pounds is not a big deal. When I met my ex in real life, he was 20 pounds heavier than his pics. Didn't care.

    I'm not going to say what you did was right or wrong. Just that I hope I never go on a date ever with someone like you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 6:55 PM GMT
    Three Words to remember: SKYPE next time.
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    Feb 24, 2013 6:58 PM GMT
    Of course you did the right thing. Everyone knows that if someone looks dramatically different in person than in the pics the send it's only ok that they lied to you if they look better or weigh less, not the other way around. Because that's how we gays function!
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Feb 24, 2013 7:00 PM GMT
    Wasn't 25 pounds. Was 50-70, dunno where you got that number unless you're illiterate. And I'd never go on a date with someone like you, so we both win. I'm 19 geniuses. I'm not looking for my husband and I'm allowed to be a little picky.

    And no, if a dude is sending me pics of him as overweight, and I met up with him and he ended up looking different, as much better or worse looking as he really was, I wouldn't meet him again. I would find that weird and suspicious that he lied. And yes, I mean that. Point is he lied, not the weight.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:03 PM GMT
    If you're into his personality and liked him. Get together with him and make him work out.
    Prob solved.

    ...on to the next one.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:03 PM GMT
    ^ Wow, what a prick you are. That guy sure dodged a big one. I hope he finds a nice guy, though. Seriously.
  • NBAFan7

    Posts: 9

    Feb 24, 2013 7:04 PM GMT
    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks saidNope, which would have saved both of us a lot of time and hurt feelings and insecurity. Which is why he should've sent the pic instead of getting both our hopes up over disappointment. Does that make me an asshole?


    So it's not the fact that he misled you it's because he was ugly. I have a theory that if he misled you about his intelligence, income, etc it wouldn't have bothered you if he was hot...just saying.

    You're definitely not an asshole but you have to admit that you are shallow
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:04 PM GMT
    that is like, the worst lie ever. you could totally justify someone sending you pictures of themselves looking worse because maybe they are insecure or wanted to see if you liked them heavier or are dysmorphic and still view themselves as fat. plus i mean like - unless someone sends you pictures of someone else entirely - i dont see how much different they can look. did they get reconstructive surgery? i was on yer side until you didn't cop to being into meeting a hot a dude at the park who exceeded yer expectations.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:07 PM GMT
    He was deceptive, so it's quite normal that you felt upset.
    You don't have to accept or forgive it.
    You told him what he did wrong, instead of disappearing, and it's good too.

    You don't have to, and should not, accept to be manipulated.