Perfect guy who wants me is also just visiting, FML

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:06 PM GMT
    EDIT: CAN MODS MOVE THIS TO DATING/RELATIONSHIPS SECTION?

    The tl;dr version is in the title icon_lol.gif

    Met an awesome guy friday night at a club, who was visiting LA for a week on a school assignment (he's 3 years younger). I was pretty drunk and we made out after maybe 10 lines of conversation, but I later sobered up and regretted being such an easy whore, so I felt compelled to actually get to know the guy afterwards and had him join my friends for late-night crepes.

    My gay friends are pretty "openminded" (slutty), and practically assumed we're gonna shag and very-obviously left us alone at the end of the night. My bestfriend/ex/wingman/cockblocker said i hit the "jackpot" and that I won't find a hotter guy who is into me. He added the guy on facebook before I even got around to accepting his add (i don't hv smartphone), and reported that he's also an upstanding well-rounded kid, far from the likes of the West Hollywood gays lol.

    (I hooked up once in my life, but after my last bf, my standards for a repeat have gotten to the point where the guy practically needs to be a model to be a turn-on in the absence of personality or emotional connection, but those 11/10's are usually out of my league, hence I haven't been getting any, haha.)

    This guy fits the bill from the side view - probably the reason we made out - but a mere mortal face-to-face... yet most-definitely boyfriend-material based on our interactions... but he doesn't live here!

    So I told the guy we should just be friends, and that he should go back to his hotel. He offered to walk me home, then predictably asked to use the bathroom, and we ended up chatting for hours on the sofa, as it turned out we have a ton in common. He told me I was attractive several times but I didn't respond likewise for fear of letting things escalate.

    I had him take a cab back to his hotel at 6am, again because I didn't want to lead him on; in hindsight it seemed mean, maybe i should have let him crash over?

    Next day my friends asked me how's the sex; I said nothing happened, and they were like "you are so stupid" "did you at least make out?" "omg you're wasting their time!" This is the 4th time I brought a guy from the club to join us for food, only to sober up, realize he's undatable or not hot enough for hookup and send him on his way.

    I text the dude an apology for my conflicted behaviour. He was totally cool, said he had no expectations and invited me out with his classmates. Apparently they berated him the same way my friends did, for not putting out.

    Had another great night out, we had a much more indepth conversation. He also asked how I define hook-ups (i've been giving him the impression that I'm 100% opposed to it), and that while he never has sex outside relationships, he's ok with just fooling around. I answered that I didn't want to entertain any slippery slope (but later began wondering if my self-imposed restrictions are too arbitrary). I said I'd ask him out if only he lived here. He said the same, and also that he's just really happy to got to know me.

    After walking me home again, he was like "can i do one thing before i go?" and we kissed in the lobby, the first time since the club.

    Thing is he is actually from here, but is studying at Berkley until april, after which he is applying to masters programs in Europe, but might also take a year off isntead, so I don't know whether I should pursue giving him a reason to come back...
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 24, 2013 7:51 PM GMT
    You need new friends if they are the kind of people who EXPECT sex when someone takes a liking to them at a club.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Feb 24, 2013 7:54 PM GMT
    dont be afraid to try it.


    Otherwise you'll be wonderin0g: "what if?"
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 24, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    Are your friends the type that hook up with everyone or are they in love and in a loving relationship ... consider the source where your advice is coming from
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:15 PM GMT
    Such a cute story. I didn't know there are still innocent guys out there who "resist" temptation icon_biggrin.gif

    You also sound like one of my friends, who puts up "walls" to try to weed out lesser guys, as if the one who clears all your hurdles has a better chance of being the one. Is that the mentality?
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:30 PM GMT
    hmmm, sounds familiar, as i have been in very similiar circumstances.

    your friends are in the way, not of the guy, but your life. this might, might be an opportunity to radically shift your entire life story... its at least worth a long shot.. maybe some visits, getaways etc....

    but i have had friends like this before, and i suspect they will talk you out of it, or be so voyeur-istic that they suck the life out of it....

    sometimes, letting go of all the people that 'inform' you of your 'life' is a great way to really make a change.... those guys will be there when you have a chance to grow, and ....who knows....

    i recently put a large faction of my social circles on hold,(we dont hang anymore), because i needed lots of space.... ( end of a relationship, father passing, moving, and change in lifestyle) all was too much to have friends tell me about myself.....


    best to youicon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:40 PM GMT
    is this guy for real?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidAre your friends the type that hook up with everyone or are they in love and in a loving relationship ... consider the source where your advice is coming from


    Hm, maybe you be the judge:

    My ex has been seeing this guy for about 2 months; before that he hooked up with a couple friends, including one of his ex's, in the 18 months after we've broken up. (I dumped him because I was slowly realizing how incompatible our morals are) I also found out that years ago he slept with a 50 year old (he's now 28 ) which grossed me out and contributed to our breakup. He's still a really great person which is why we're still friends.

    My other friends present are all either single or "sorta seeing someone". The "cleanest" among them was in a 5-year relationship previously, but has hooked up several times since then, focused on career for about half a year and is only recently kinda seeing someone (had sex on the first meetup)

    Yeah, so maybe I do need a new circle of gay friends lol...


    raoul22 saidSuch a cute story. I didn't know there are still innocent guys out there who "resist" temptation icon_biggrin.gif

    You also sound like one of my friends, who puts up "walls" to try to weed out lesser guys, as if the one who clears all your hurdles has a better chance of being the one. Is that the mentality?


    Haha, sort of. I actually told the guy all sorts of unflattering stuff about myself, including my tendency to see the worst in people. My rule is to show interest, but never try to impress the guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 12:43 AM GMT
    Careful with that, cuz you might not end up with the best guy for you, but rather simply the one who tries the hardest.
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    Feb 26, 2013 5:10 AM GMT
    Update: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(
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    Feb 26, 2013 5:25 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =(

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    You're being ridiculous. You need a hug.

    *hugs*

    Look, I'm not sure why you want to artificially maneuver any budding relationship into whatever wholesome and non-sexual means, as relationships are best left to develop in their own way. Frustrating it by saying wholesome instead of what I think is really important, caution, isn't the greatest way to interpret your hesitation. icon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Feb 26, 2013 6:05 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    what a lame joke lol
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    Feb 26, 2013 7:57 AM GMT
    Do it, or you'll kick yourself later. Had this issue several times, and most of them turned out to be here for a sporting event for the weekend.
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    Feb 26, 2013 8:06 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(



    Did you blow back? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 01, 2013 12:50 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =(

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    You're being ridiculous. You need a hug.

    *hugs*

    Look, I'm not sure why you want to artificially maneuver any budding relationship into whatever wholesome and non-sexual means, as relationships are best left to develop in their own way. Frustrating it by saying wholesome instead of what I think is really important, caution, isn't the greatest way to interpret your hesitation. icon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug


    The thing is that we both knew it couldn't be a relationship because he doesn't live here. I don't see resisting the urge to hookup as any more artificial than resisting the urge to steal, lie, manipulate, etc for my own benefit...?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2013 1:04 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    icon_question.gif care to elaborateicon_question.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    You wrote a very long post.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2013 1:09 AM GMT
    Cliffnotes version of OP: "I'm a closet fag who didn't get laid when I wanted to get laid."

    Boo hoo

    Get over it. Go for the next guy.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Mar 01, 2013 1:13 AM GMT
    dudewithabeard said
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    icon_question.gif care to elaborateicon_question.gif


    We all know what he meant. I don't get gays who try to pretend that straights are just as slutty.
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    Mar 01, 2013 1:15 AM GMT
    gooddaytoday said
    meninlove said
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =(

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    You're being ridiculous. You need a hug.

    *hugs*

    Look, I'm not sure why you want to artificially maneuver any budding relationship into whatever wholesome and non-sexual means, as relationships are best left to develop in their own way. Frustrating it by saying wholesome instead of what I think is really important, caution, isn't the greatest way to interpret your hesitation. icon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug


    The thing is that we both knew it couldn't be a relationship because he doesn't live here. I don't see resisting the urge to hookup as any more artificial than resisting the urge to steal, lie, manipulate, etc for my own benefit...?



    WOW. You have a very puritannical view of the world -- as well as a big chip on your shoulder. How does hooking up equate to stealing, lying, or manipulating? You both knew what it was that you were doing, it was consensual, no one was hurt in the process.

    Until you let yourself live and explore, you'll be very alone.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Mar 01, 2013 1:16 AM GMT
    Quit reading after 1st sentence of second paragraph.
  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    Mar 01, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    OK man, I'm sorry, but I've got a different take on this. Claiming that now you're like every other gay just buys into and perpetuates negative stereotypes - and for what reason? It's totally unjustifiable.

    You don't need to brag about your morals to live a good, honest life. And moreover, you don't need to be abstinent to be a person of high moral character. As with most things in life, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

    If you like the guy, keep in touch and see where it goes. If you're just waiting for the next hotter guy (after all, you stated that you kick guys out when you sober up and realize they're not hot enough), then perhaps you're the one who's just like every other gay guy - always looking for something better (hotter) around the bend.

    Life doesn't have to be this complicated. Be who you are. Accept others for who they are. If you like someone, hang out with them. If you don't, no one's forcing you.

    Sorry for the tough love, but maybe a different perspective will help a little.
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    Mar 01, 2013 1:24 AM GMT
    whytehot said
    dudewithabeard said
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    icon_question.gif care to elaborateicon_question.gif


    We all know what he meant. I don't get gays who try to pretend that straights are just as slutty.



    "slutty" knows no sexual preference. Are you saying otherwise?
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    Mar 01, 2013 1:26 AM GMT
    dudewithabeard said
    whytehot said
    dudewithabeard said
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    icon_question.gif care to elaborateicon_question.gif


    We all know what he meant. I don't get gays who try to pretend that straights are just as slutty.



    "slutty" knows no sexual preference. Are you saying otherwise?


    THIS. The man speaks truth. In most cases, opinions to the contrary indicate internalized homophobia and drinking the grape kool-aid (stereotypes of the gay community).
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Mar 01, 2013 5:21 AM GMT
    dudewithabeard said
    whytehot said
    dudewithabeard said
    gooddaytoday saidUpdate: Sigh... I think I blew it. Well, technically he blew me, but anyway my goal of making our several days together wholesome and non-sexual failed at day 3. =( This, after all his compliments to me about "sticking to my morals"

    Now i'm just like every other gay =(


    icon_question.gif care to elaborateicon_question.gif


    We all know what he meant. I don't get gays who try to pretend that straights are just as slutty.



    "slutty" knows no sexual preference. Are you saying otherwise?


    Yeah straight people can be slutty too, but as fun as platitudes are...

    ...as far as facts go, a study from about 2006 showed something like 19% of gay men have had more than 20 sex partners in the last 5 years, compared to 5% of straight men.