need help/advice :/

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 7:55 PM GMT
    Hi there, so I have been seeing this guy basically since November and we still hit it off/date today, but there are many red flags. So I met him on Facebook, added each other started talking what not, he said he liked him since he first layed eyes on me but I don't know if that's fully true.

    We started dating in mid January 2013.

    He has a past like all of us, he was a alcoholic and huge drug user... he has been sober for over 1 year and a few months... I know congrats to him!!

    He has been used and played like the rest of us but yet he's a horn ball. I asked him recently how many people have you had sex with he said I don't know... he has slept with guys to get drugs but that was the past. He cheated on his girlfriend which they dated 5 years ago... he cheated on her with a guy... but I believe once a cheater always a cheater. I asked how many people have you hooked up with from grindr he said he doesn't know how many people... like really.... how does that make me feel.. he came clean that he used sex as a way to get away from his problems... he's been around the block alot... I told him that I feel like I'm dating a slut. He cryed and said I'm sorry I do not want to live that way any more coming from him a 22 year old he wants to be clean and settle down.

    I told him to delete grindr when he first started talking in November he said he would then didn't cause I found him on it... not happy at all. Then we didn't talk for about 3 weeks during dec & jan... I found another guy who played me... pay back is a bitch right lol.. but we rekindle our relationship. During that 3 weeks we didn't talk he hooked up with 2 guys and had sex with them. I made out with the guy I found who played me....

    We rekindled our relationship he got grindr again and I told him to delete it so he said he did and I believe him.... but just the other day his friend told him and asked why was he online on grindr he said that's impossible cause I deleted grindr.... so frustrating!!! Plus I saw him on his phone talking to his past(two guys) who he had sex with/relationship... he said it was nothing were only friends.... yeah I worry alot I would say.

    I want to trust him/believe him but he gives me reasons not too

    I feel like he only wants me for sex sometimes, I really like the kid cause he has help me out alot to figure out who i am and i have helped him alot. I like him sooooo much but he says the same thing but I just don't know.. he calls me beautiful and handsome and my boy friend... he said if i wanted to cheat on you i would break up with you first then go hook up... He has said to me that I'm the only guy who has liked him for him and I'm not scared of what he did in the past (drugs & alcohol)

    But we fight/bitch/bicker/drama ALOT which gets annoying and I cant do that anymore... sometimes its okay for him to say stuff and pisses me off then he says babe stop I was only kidding... calm down but when I do it to him he's pissed off at me for hours/mins... like its okay for him to do it not me... we have talked about it and said we will try to fix our problems.

    I have told him many times to NOT smoke in front of me cause i get sick/head aches from it and my mom is a smoker who cant stop... i told him I don't date smokers but yet he continues to smoke in front of me i tell him each time he lite's up to STOP he says he will but he doesn't... its like how many times do i tell you. He said he has cut back alot but still smokes in front of me... I know its hard to stop smoking coming from my mom it has taken her lots of times and she still hasn't stopped... but its like don't smoke in front of me... he doesn't get it

    I want to make our relationship work but once I bring these things up to him he gets pissed off and upset like I hurt him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2013 8:17 PM GMT
    I'm not necessarily saying to put things on hold, as that could open a completely new can of worms, but look at your list of pros and cons.

    Don't be suspicious, as you haven't been together for a remotely long period of time, and shooting yourself in the foot in this situation is not likely to help; as long as you've made your positions clear regarding his past and the exclusivity of your relationship, that's one of the most paramount things you can actually do.

    In regard to his past, the drugs and sex, if he's relapsing into old behavior, that's one thing, but if he's gone through programs to get where he is now, that sort of choice, to turn around one's life, isn't one to discredit. In regard to his hookups when you two had stopped talking, you weren't in a clearly defined relationship that he may not have been sure was going to progress anywhere. Three weeks is a lot of time for no contact between two people, seeing as you both sought comfort elsewhere.

    His sincerity with the things he says also has a place in the situation. If you believe he's being genuine, don't ruin it; if he's being manipulative, address the issue. In regard to the smoking, get brochures, and sit down for a frank discussion; nothing can make someone kick the habit like seeing someone dying of lung cancer, and be sure to make clear that it isn't necessarily that you don't date smokers, but that you're dating him, his health matters to you, and that is why he needs to stop, for the both of you.

    Lastly, with the bickering, employ a few good communicative strategies: use "I" statements to express your opinions and what's going through your head. When he pisses you off, if retaliating would lead to a fight over something trivial, leave the room, count to ten, that sort of thing. Again, frank discussions can work wonders.

    Instead of focusing on whether his behavior is an act or not, look at him and how he acts here and now; be romantic, go out for dinner or a movie or a play or a basketball game. One of the best things you can do for a relationship is just spend time together not purely as a couple, but as two people who like spending time with one another. Loosen up and shake off the drama. Hope any bit of this novel helps.
  • Tombo

    Posts: 357

    Feb 25, 2013 9:51 AM GMT
    Hmm, judging by everything you have written I would say get away from him and move on!

    Ain't nobody got time for people like that!
  • Bicuriouscool

    Posts: 233

    Feb 25, 2013 11:01 AM GMT
    try to forget him. imagine living without him,imagine he's gone somewhere forever and try to live without him for a week.
    try to figure out if you can give up some of your own habits and u will realize its not easy.
    then you will be able to decide if you can leave him and move on or accept him as he is or with a little chnges.
    seriously if he is not trying to change even a little bit i suggest you part ways with him, but its your heart, your life...
  • Amira

    Posts: 351

    Feb 25, 2013 3:54 PM GMT
    There's only so much you can do for him when ultimately everything you tell him he has to first realize for himself. Everyone has a past, but if someone is relapsing into old behaviors, it's no longer an issue of the past it is now the present.
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Feb 25, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    You're young and I think you're more willing to put up with crazy shit. As you get older you'll realize that these red flags just aren't worth it. Move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    OK, so here's my take. First, you've been dating this guy since January, it's now February. You've known him since November, it's now February.

    You decided immediately after meeting him (November) that it was OK for you to control his actions by demanding that he delete Grindr. You started dating him (January) and told him to delete Grindr again.

    You criticized him for sleeping with guys from Grindr after not talking to him for 3 weeks, like he should stop being who he is because you have arrived and talked to him? Hello, controlling much? Then you mention that you met a guy (hookup? used you? not sure how he used you in such a short amount of time) and made out with him. That was OK I guess since it was you and not him.

    Do you begin all your relationships with demands that accommodate your needs? This guys seems to have had many issues in his life, according to your account. Are you trying to play the dominate leader role to ensure he lives his life the way you live yours?

    I think you need to learn how to date. You need to learn what a relationship is. You need to learn what it's like to be a partner with someone. It's all about learning who they are, communicating with them, sharing yourself and your feelings with them, not running their life. You indicate in your profile:

    Ive been used for my body & my looks
    I've been abused mental & emotionally
    i am a survivor of domestic violence
    I've been played,cheated on

    These are red flags to me. I don't doubt that some of these may have happened, but at 21, to have endured these things, I'd say that you need to stop looking for a relationship and start looking inward. Maybe it's not everyone else but maybe it has more to do with you and how you handle the relationship. You need to learn how to communicate.

    I'm not trying to be mean here, but seriously, your comments would indicate to me that you're very demanding and controlling. You don't have good communications skills. You tend to blame everyone else for the failures in your relationships (I use that term very loosely since you're only 21). You have opinions about your own looks that tend to indicate you're also conceded.

    I suggest that you look in the mirror. I'm not saying you're a bad person. I'm saying, based on what you've said that you have a lot to learn about yourself, relationships, treating others and that perhaps you need to work on that first. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    thank you guys for your advice!! icon_smile.gif