Friend of mine was assaulted tonight...which raises particular questions.

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    Feb 25, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    A very good friend of mine was attacked by four straight men, beaten called a faggot and is now in ICU. Here is hoping he is okay and pulls through but the main reason why I posted this (and its my first topic so kinda nervous of how guys will respond) is to ask a few questions: Have you ever faced this kind of brutality based on your sexual orientation? How does one cope with the possibilities that just because you are a openly gay man you may be attacked? Also if this is happened to you would like to hear how you handled it afterwords. I know our world is slightly better then it used to be, being gay is a little bit more accepted then it was before, but there is always that underlying fear of such an event like this can transpire even in a public setting.
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    Feb 25, 2013 4:45 AM GMT
    This is horrible to hear, I didn't realize this type of thing was still happening in the U.S.
    Luckily I have never been physically assaulted but I have been called "faggot" and so on - mostly when I was in high school. One time I actually got some other students in serious shit because they were harassing me and calling me faggot outside of school. I told the school about it and they had the police come in to deal with it, because if it happens off school property it is no longer in the hands of the school but in the hands of the law.

    Very best wishes for your friend.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 25, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    Very sorry to hear about your friend. Horrible!

    No, I've never been attacked for being gay or for any other reason even though I've lived in some rather unsavory neighborhoods at times. Just luck, I guess. I live in a very up-scale neighborhood now and walk at night, alone, quite a lot. I'm always aware of my surroundings because attacks (robberies, not related to sexual orientation) do occur.

    Not sure exactly how I would feel about being attacked for any reason but I'm pretty sure I'd feel violated and totally freaked out for a long time afterward.

    I hope your friend is alright and has a speedy recovery.
  • Kairr

    Posts: 239

    Feb 25, 2013 6:02 AM GMT
    Nope. This world won't be at peace of certain problems until the people with those problems die out (replaced by newer generation)
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 25, 2013 6:03 AM GMT
    Ya I've been attacked and beaten after leaving a gay bar by a bunch of straight thugs ... it sucks ... it changes the way you think about people and makes you a bit more cautious ... hope your friend is okay
  • Lukehiker

    Posts: 161

    Feb 25, 2013 6:33 AM GMT
    Best wishes to your friend; he needs them.

    To answer your question: Yes, I have been assaulted because of my sexual orientation, twice.

    First time in 9th grade, the punk with a serious size issue(he was barely 4'10") so he went around be a total ass, and at one point pulled a knife on me over "you lookin at me fag?" That time I walked away and told our English teacher; a small Asian woman no bigger than him turned in to a sabertooth tiger and tore him a new one. A week later he tried again, this time minus the knife; I then demonstrated how BAD of an idea that was(I had a foot and 70 lbs on him easy) by slamming him into a brick wall and dislocating his shoulder.

    That incident worked to convince most that I was not easy pickings, plus I clamped down and hid every twinge. It wasn't until two years later that the school "gay hunt" decided I was fair game; couple that with a rumor this idiot started over a book he found in my backpack(Boy Meets Boy), and they decided to "teach me a lesson."

    They used a new ploy, one of them asked me for math tutoring(their usual MO was the grab the guy and drag him to a spot behind the gym in a headlock) and said he wanted to use the bench on the baseball field. I said fine; the route I chose took me past the spot behind the gym, and there he and three friends tried to jump me.

    I may not look like much, but when I need to, I can fight fairly well. I had one down with a broken knee immediately(side kick into a locked knee, child's play), a second with a broken nose next(right hook), and used a combination a feign to the right and an elbow jab in the kidneys to take down the third. By then the fourth was running away while his friends were groaning.

    I was lucky, I fought them off both times and haven't had a third attempt. Not everyone is so lucky. This is one of the reasons I stress self defense capability(of any kind) for everyone. European Martial Arts works for me; find something you like and go with it.
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    Feb 25, 2013 7:26 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear this. You're friend is in my prayers. Do you know the severity of his condition? I hope they have already reassured your mind if they know he is going to be able to recover.

    One way I think gay folks deal with this kind of thing is by grouping up, and moving to larger cities where we are more accepted and things tend to be safer. It's never perfect, but it's sometimes an option.

    For those that can't do that because of finances, I think it's important to recognize that, unfortunately, you sometimes still have to hide who you are. It doesn't mean stay closeted, but it means being wise. Don't walk alone at night or draw attention if your leaving a gay bar. Etc. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is.

    They gay bars here in Nashville actually hire security to patrol all around the bars to keep the gays safe, cuz it's the south, and people here are much more ignorant, broadly speaking.
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    Feb 25, 2013 1:53 PM GMT
    Onigumo saidA very good friend of mine was attacked by four straight men, beaten called a faggot and is now in ICU.

    Sorry to hear, and hope for his total recovery. Was this in or around Atlanta where you live? And what have the police done to apprehend the 4 men? Has this made the news? Declared to be a hate crime?

    I ask this because a community's response to a gay hate crime is important to judging how to respond ourselves. Do we go into hiding, do we protest, what do we do? And how do these responses potentially impact on reducing, or alternatively, encouraging further incidents? Should we stay in that community or leave?

    I lived in a community where the single gay nightclub sometimes had bullets fired through its windows (fortunately after hours). Guys would drive through the parking lot past the front door yelling "faggots!" But the threat that most concerned me was car vandalism, with keying incidents and other damage to cars. So I always tried to arrive early enough to park my car up front rather than around back, visible from the main bar through the windows. The owners let me park my motorcycle on their sidewalk at the door, so the bike was always safe to bring in the summer.

    But I still went, wouldn't be scared away. At the same time I was never physically attacked, not sure my response if that was a constant danger.
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    Feb 25, 2013 1:55 PM GMT
    Onigumo saidA very good friend of mine was attacked by four straight men, beaten called a faggot and is now in ICU. Here is hoping he is okay and pulls through but the main reason why I posted this (and its my first topic so kinda nervous of how guys will respond) is to ask a few questions: Have you ever faced this kind of brutality based on your sexual orientation? How does one cope with the possibilities that just because you are a openly gay man you may be attacked? Also if this is happened to you would like to hear how you handled it afterwords. I know our world is slightly better then it used to be, being gay is a little bit more accepted then it was before, but there is always that underlying fear of such an event like this can transpire even in a public setting.


    Define "openly gay".
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    Feb 25, 2013 1:58 PM GMT
    Don't leave a gay bar alone, learn self-defense, and buy some mase.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 25, 2013 2:01 PM GMT
    I never have, but I agree with some of the above. I think we all MUST live our lives comfortably, but need to be prepared if attacked or threatened.
    I hope your friend recovers quickly! What a horrible thing....

    icon_mad.gif
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    Feb 25, 2013 2:06 PM GMT
    mx5guynj said
    Onigumo saidA very good friend of mine was attacked by four straight men, beaten called a faggot and is now in ICU. Here is hoping he is okay and pulls through but the main reason why I posted this (and its my first topic so kinda nervous of how guys will respond) is to ask a few questions: Have you ever faced this kind of brutality based on your sexual orientation? How does one cope with the possibilities that just because you are a openly gay man you may be attacked? Also if this is happened to you would like to hear how you handled it afterwords. I know our world is slightly better then it used to be, being gay is a little bit more accepted then it was before, but there is always that underlying fear of such an event like this can transpire even in a public setting.


    Define "openly gay".


    Does it matter? His friend was attacked and now in intensive care!!
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1765

    Feb 25, 2013 2:19 PM GMT
    Damn that sucks man, I hope your friend gets better.

    The only time it happened to me was once when I was about 19-20. I was standing in line for a gay club when two guys passed by and yelled out "All these fucking fags are so disgusting, I hope they all burn", to which I replied "Go to hell fucker". He walked up to me and asked me to repeat what I said, which I did. He then slapped me first, but before he got to do anything more I was lucky enough that the bouncer of the club got him. Police were there quickly enough and he got arrested. It ended up in court and I got about 6000 Swedish Crowns, and about 40-60 000 kr that he was to pay as dayfines.

    I wish there could always be justice when people do things like these.

    The guy in court was completely pathetic. He sat and lied about that I had insulted his mother, and that I had called him "fucking faggot", and a lot more. I loved seeing his lawyer doing a major facepalm.
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    Feb 25, 2013 2:24 PM GMT
    I have been before, but not to the extent your friend was. I hope he is okay.

    To answer your question, I have 5-6 years of boxing experience.. So, I'm not usually scared of other people but once you are over 2 people it becomes really hard to defend yourself and sometimes you have to consider running or the possibility you might die. I got into a fight once with three guys, but I think I was brutal enough with the first guy that the other two were not interested in continuing..
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    Feb 25, 2013 2:31 PM GMT
    I am sorry to hear what happened to your friend. I wish he recovers soon from this ordeal.
    As for you, I hope the words of encouragement from me and other RJ members offer you some kind of comfort and reassurance that it really gets better.

    I live in a city (Manila, Philippines) where gay bashing and beating are so common but unfortunately ignored by authorities. I remember when I just came out of the closet and some teens in our village knew about it, they spray-painted a derogatory slang word for gay in filipino all over my car’s hood and smashed its windows all to their hearts’ content. Fortunately, that incident toughen and smarten me up, making me work out more, get better at martial arts, be a better person overall. This may not mean much right now but it really does get better.
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Feb 25, 2013 2:32 PM GMT
    I am sorry for what happened to you friend, I hope he finds some strength in his soul and his body to deal with this. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
    Be the friend he needs and the one he doesn't know yet he needs.
    My mother did not raise me to sit in the back of the bus and it is not going to happen now. I do not advocate violence but even more so I do not advocate violence upon me or my brothers and sisters. We still live in a world where people hate us for something we did not choose.
    It will probably be a century or more until we reach a point that nobody really cares. Even then I don't think it will be settled but then again I doubt I am around.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Feb 25, 2013 2:33 PM GMT
    Wow, deeply sorry for your friend..

    I never have been attacked.. High school was still hell since I constantly had people down my back about my sexuality when I myself was not even comfortable with it.. The most bold experience I had actually happened about a year ago on my college campus.. I was just minding my own business walking down the halls and this guy maybe about 20 ft ahead kept looking at me as I was walking closer.. So then he had the audacity to say to his friend "man I can't stand fagoots." And so I challenged him to try me, I practically dared him but the guy was all talk. I just thought to myself how it was so sad that people were still so immature.

    I would have to agree that taking self-defense classes is a good start and to never leave bars/clubs alone by yourself. No one deserves to be a victim of any form of hate crime just for being who they are. Once again I do hope your best friend pulls through this.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Feb 25, 2013 3:08 PM GMT
    I have a pretty good 'asshole' detector. Surprisingly (and probably sadly) the guys who got violent with me in life were all gay themselves.

    But I know what you mean about abusive, dickheaded straight guys. I just avoid this by understanding when somebody wants to be hostile and destroy me. I can sense it miles and miles away and I just avoid unsafe areas. I stay away from most bars because to be honest, they are drama pits.

    Teasing and emotional cruelty aren't necessarily red flags, but I just pay attention to my body heat and surroundings. If I sense it's going to cross into the line of wanting to fight me, then I mark that person as a 'red flag.'

    Keep yourself safe and trust your instincts. Don't think 'oh I'm being too sensitive I should lighten up about this person.' If somebody is making you feel weird it is NOT your fault. It's hard as hell to trust people that's why we have so much security in life.

    And my brain understands the difference between 'just teasing' and trying to gaslight me into oblivion as a sadistic sociopath who is disgusted by everything and everyone that isn't themselves.
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    Feb 25, 2013 3:18 PM GMT
    Growing up as a kid in the 1970's in NYC made a big impression on me with the stories of the son of Sam and serial killers and rampant crime.I grew up in a lovely area but still was very careful.My fiancée and I don't hold hands in public really unless we are in Manhattan.You have to be very aware no matter how liberal your area is suppossed to be. So sorry to hear about your friend.I hope he recovers fully and that the assholes are caught and convicted.I will say a prayer for him.Ryan
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    Feb 25, 2013 3:20 PM GMT
    Kairr saidNope. This world won't be at peace of certain problems until the people with those problems die out (replaced by newer generation)


    I don't recall reading by the OP how four 80-year-old men beat the crap out of his friend.

    OP, sorry for your friend and for you.

    I have never been physically nor verbally abused for being gay though I agree with your idea of an underlying fear--and that's gotta work on ya some--as I still have that possibility in mind whenever I want to identify myself to whom I just met. It doesn't stop me altogether but I remain aware that it prevents me from feeling as free in the world as I ought to be entitled. You can't take that personally though, rather understand that as one of the mechanisms of the hegemony of heterosexuality.

    Contrary to SB's ridiculous assertions that laws have no effect, they at least give some of us a sense of hope in a world where we might never feel completely safe simply by our orientation.

    Sometimes all you can do is just cope as best you can. Some days I'm feeling braver than others. Some days I don't leave the house. But I don't think that's just about being gay, but simply dealing with all the crap, theirs and mine.

    If it happened to me, I would fantasize handling the situation as Lukehiker described but I know I'm not a fighter and even if I was I might not be able to kick that gun out of an assailant's hand. So I guess I would attempt to prosecute those who persecute and lick my wounds until they scabbed over and healed. Life is often if not always somewhat scarring but usually moreso survivable.
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    Feb 25, 2013 3:32 PM GMT
    Where was this? Atlanta? I wouldn't expect this in a large city. Sorry he had to endure this, keeping him in my prayers. Be sure to let him know that many of us out here are praying for his recovery. How sad this world can be sometimes.
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    Feb 25, 2013 3:59 PM GMT
    I live in Tallahasseee Florida most of the time where it happened, ( I just prefer Atlanta personally) and I do not know the details of the situation other then there was four guys to the one of him and they attacked him because he was gay. He has internal bleeding and that is all the details I have at this time waiting to hear more from his boyfriend. Now I have never experienced this personally which is kind of scary which is why I put the general question out there. As for openly gay it isn't like the man is walking down the street sprinkling rainbows and glitter on people who passby. He is an active responsible member in society and him and his boy friend are nothing but kind fellows. Also I can defend myself wrestler and MMA experience but when you are out numbered four to one it is hard to defend yourself.

    Just didn't think people were still capable of that form of violence and racism. Even though I do live in the south, I thought people had more sense thanks for all the prayers fellows I will let him know sure he will definitely appreciate it!

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    Feb 25, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    theantijock said,"Contrary to SB's ridiculous assertions that laws have no effect, they at least give some of us a sense of hope in a world where we might never feel completely safe simply by our orientation."

    SB's ridiculous assertions taken to their logical conclusion would mean there should be no laws against murders or rape or theft or any other crime that continues to happen in spite of laws against those things. Wing-nuttery at its finest. It's almost an art form with him.
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    Feb 25, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    Be honest with you, we need gun to protect ourselves. Are we safe? Nope
  • spunkywasabi

    Posts: 126

    Feb 25, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    Hate has no boundaries. It does not operate by state or by borders. Hate can spring up anywhere and everywhere, regardless of the demographic majority's beliefs on homosexuality.

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend. 'Tis a very sad day. While I never have been attacked, I have experienced the fear before. It is a terrifying thing. I am sure your friend did nothing to warrant this. Sometimes you have to be careful about PDA and mindful of where you are walking. The biggest day for assault on gay persons in NYC is the gay pride parade, or as they call it the Heritage Pride Parade. People come from all over and think because it is gay pride day they dont have to be mindful of where they are. There are still places in the city where this is unwise and you can become an easy target.

    Be careful. Wish the best for your friend and his speedy recovery. Hope he talks to a therapist and processes his experiences, the emotional wounds may be even worse than the physical ones. Good luck.