boyfriend on craigslist

  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Feb 25, 2013 9:07 PM GMT
    hi i need some gay men's opinions and they would be much appreciated,
    ,
    i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, he is a shy character, very loyal and strongly opposed to cheating (allegedly)
    a couple of months ago i searched his internet history (i know, i invade privacy, i'm a bad person) and found that he'd been looking at a lot of the gay sexual encounter ads at one point, rather than confront him i decided to leave it as it is probably just curiosity and general hornyness and i wanted to make sure he wouldnt delete his history in the future to hide his searches.
    Again recently i found he'd been looking at the ads as well as gay escort services
    i'm 80% sure that he's not the kind of guy to cheat and that its just a way for him to get off on the internet, he also facebook stalks a lot of guys all the time

    my question is, is this normal? are there guys out there who fantasize about cheating with personal ads/escorts/facebook that would never actually do it? For me porn is enough so i cant really understand it

    or is this a sign that even if he hasnt cheated yet, he probably will one day as he has the mindset for it?

    Does anyone out there have a boyfriend who does this but they know that they don’t cheat?
    thanks for your input xxx
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Feb 25, 2013 9:47 PM GMT
    Why were you insecure enough to go thru his Internet history...if you're so sure he's not the cheating kind?

    When you smell smoke, there's a fire. Can you smell the smoke? That's your suspicious mind getting the best of you.
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    Feb 25, 2013 11:54 PM GMT
    It was kinda wrong to spy on him, but the damage has been done. Depending on your trust level, I'd ask him about it. It'll bother you until he explains himself. Sometimes, guys are just curious. And they like their ego's stroked. I dated a guy that was faithful but he liked to jerk off on webcam and have all the guys ogle him. Didn't bother me. And I was glad he was honest about it.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Feb 25, 2013 11:55 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I are on them a lot as they are a great source of comic relief. Some of the posting people make...

    Is that a possibility?
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Feb 26, 2013 12:08 AM GMT
    I would argue that you're doing the worse thing by invading his privacy.

    Maybe he's just looking. We all like to look at pictures of hot guys. Maybe he's curious. I've been in relationships where I've been bored on the computer have have browsed sites like adam4adam or manhunt, just to look at pictures of hot gay guys.

    But if it is innocuous, than you have done the greater offense in this scenario.

    I think you should come clean that you invaded his privacy and then have an honest discussion about this.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:12 AM GMT
    I would have to ask the same, why were you checking? Something is going on and the person you should ask is him! You're a young guy with a lot to learn about relationships but now is the time to start. The biggest part of a successful relationship is open communications. Go ask him (not accuse) what it was about. Is there something he's not getting that he desires?

    Perhaps it's not that he's not in love with you but feels that he needs more than what you're providing sexually. If he's young like you, then he's probably bored with your sex life or at least wondering what else is out there. In this day of instant porn, everyone things every encounter will be like the latest clip you just saw on xtubes.

    Have an open dialogue where you both agree ahead of time that everything is on the table, nobody gets made (no matter what), honesty is paramount and perhaps you'll both learn and grow in ways that you can explore and enjoy each other even more.

    Good luck man!
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:19 AM GMT
    Unless you're a mind reader, I don't know how you'd ever be truly certain someone wouldn't cheat.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:34 AM GMT
    Hey man -

    While I certainly think it sounds like you had some mistrust issues long before you went snooping, I do think you should go ahead and "fess up" to the invasion, apologize, and then ask what's up.

    I was with someone for 6 years... moved in together, married life (lol), and I saw a few things (little changes in behavior, etc) that made me a bit concerned. As months passed, I gave in (like you), and snooped in his email accounts. He had been meeting random encounters and hiring escorts when I was away on business for the entire time we were together and supposedly monogamous. Long story short --- you snooped because you probably have some underlying suspicions (or ur just a mistrusting individual) and were looking to validate your gut feelings. Unfortunately, snooping will only make the distrust worse... regardless of what he has or hasn't done.

    Best advice: nip your mistake in the bud now. Be straight forward about it being a poor choice. However, I'd let him know he clearly has some explaining to do... even if it's as simple as curiosity and being horny online. I will say, if it is just an online pursuit, I'd ask that to stop (or decide what boundaries you're comfortable with... and be clear about it). Online interaction has a bad habit of turning into more as temptations lingers. Whatever works for you, sir.

    Good luck
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Feb 26, 2013 12:48 AM GMT
    thanks guys kinda told me what i knew already deep down but was good to hear it from an outside party, as for 'internet privacy' n blabla i have no qualms about searching his history,
    i know it seems to be a taboo subject for some people but for me i dont care if people search my history, sure i'd feel a little embaressed that they know what porn i look at but its no biggy n i'm sure he feels the same way on that front so that wont be an issue, and i wasnt snooping in history to see if he was cheating per-say i was just bored n curious
    its not a possibility he was lookin at them for comic relief cus it was between porn searches, i'm pretty sure its just online hornyness but i'm gunna have to have 'the talk' n ask him not to do it again cus it makes me uncomfortable, again though i'm worried if i do talk to him about it and he was thinking about cheating that he'll be sure to cover his tracks next time D:
    but i guess thats just a risk i'll have to take, lifeeeeee
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:50 AM GMT
    Good for you. I think you're making the right decision. He's probably just curious and will be a bit embarrassed. He's a guy. As long as he respects the relationship and stays faithful, I hope you can forgive him. It's not that huge of a deal.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:50 AM GMT
    Could just be looking for cock pix
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Feb 26, 2013 12:52 AM GMT
    haha just what i needed to hear icon_smile.gif thanks huhwhat
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:59 AM GMT
    So, basically you see yourself as entirely blameless here and he's the one who has to stop doing things.

    Good luck with that discussion lol.
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    Feb 26, 2013 1:00 AM GMT
    He's probably just window shopping. But you know what they say about window shopping: it's just a matter of time before something really irresistible hits you in the face. This is the reason I don't window shop--the temptation to buy is sometimes too difficult to resist.
  • cnagy1

    Posts: 63

    Feb 26, 2013 1:04 AM GMT
    Hey man,

    I kind of went through the same thing. My ex was all over the internet talking and even sometimes Skyping with other guys. When confronted, he said it was just the thrill of the chase. It eventually pulled us apart and to this day I wonder if I never said anything, if we'd still be together.

    Moral of the story is, if things seem like they're going well, let it be and let it go. If it becomes a larger problem and he cheats, then deal with it. Live life in the moment and not in fear of what might happen in the future. It just beats you up.
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    Feb 26, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    Sounds like these questions can be answered pretty simply just by sitting down and communicating honestly with each other. If you are feeling insecure, being honest about it, and hopefully having it returned is really the best medicine. That, and patience. If you do talk to him, don't expect all the answers you expect all at once. Hope that helps?
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Feb 26, 2013 1:29 AM GMT
    adam i do see myself as blameless cus internet privacy isnt really an issue between us, neither of us care about the other snooping in teh history books, i know i'm probably gunna get a lot of flame for saying this but i dont get why people would be so offended at history searching, its hardly comparable to reading someones emails/texts or their diary
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:44 AM GMT
    There isn't really an expectation of privacy in a committed relationship. By being committed it's nearly implicit that you share everything.

    KISS = Keep It Simply Silly.

    You: "I see you've been hitting up Craigslist? What's up?"

    It may well be that your relationship is fading, or at least the spark in it. It's best to address this head on if you have any hope for success.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Feb 26, 2013 2:47 AM GMT
    Well played, lay out the noose and wait for them to walk in.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    I look through those ads sometimes to see if I recognize anyone lol or just to see the most ridiculous offers
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:04 AM GMT
    Curiosity not only kills cats but relationships too.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:09 AM GMT
    Shawny99 saidI just hope he dint find your post on Craigslist icon_wink.gif.

    Actually, I was going to propose just that as a reason. Maybe the OP's BF is checking up on HIM.
  • spunkywasabi

    Posts: 126

    Feb 26, 2013 3:17 AM GMT
    Adam228 saidSo, basically you see yourself as entirely blameless here and he's the one who has to stop doing things.

    Good luck with that discussion lol.


    lol hard.

    I agree, unless you have discussed both of your feeling about internet history searching than I wouldn't assume. Maybe you think it is okay, but he may not.
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    Mar 01, 2013 5:25 PM GMT
    Kind of the same predicament. My ex was not the cheating kind but ie caught him multiple time posting in cl and answering guys on cl. I went as far as making a fake cl guy to catch him and I got him to meet me at a gas station.
    So bite it in the ass before it becomes a problem. He could be looking for a way out
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2013 5:26 PM GMT
    I look at the CL ads when I'm bored. Not that I'm going to post or respond to them in any fashion. Could be the same thing for your BF, so don't jump to conclusions.