Financial dynamics ...

  • Ridge181

    Posts: 11

    Feb 25, 2013 9:35 PM GMT
    Wanted to get opinions on financial dynamics between two men in a relationship. I am currently in a tense portion of a realtionship where he makes much more money than I he and usually makes me feel bad about it.

    Nutshell on me: worked FT made a decent sal. Had an insane life experience where i suffered from panic and anxiety attacks (early last year to early spring) was all places: work, grocery store, car, etc. quit FT job to chill and work on anxiety stuff; now not scared of things i used to love doing again. Got a PT about late summer and now i wanna go back to FT work.

    Meanwhile, obviously suffered from decrease in pay and i barely sometimes can make/help on electricity payment. All the while i get tension from the bf and not much understanding or sympathy as to what i went through. I normally buy groceries, pay cell phone and pay electricity with my new sal.

    Nutshell on him/us: great guy, cute, smart, personality is ok.. (Can explain later), nice dick, etc...met 3.5 yrs ago, dating about 3. Moved in together at year 1. Sex was just ok in the beginning but now i have learned hes more bottom also. So sex is minimal. :/ there were red flags that i did not pay attention to..... Hes a different person behind closed doors... To the public he is well spoken, classy, can hold a convo etc. behind closed doors hes a bit messy, curses a lot, and a gossip.

    Dynamic has shifted with finances as he needs to help me with things and with the attitude, i sense resentment coming from within me. Theres not much room for seeing my freinds cause i cannot afford it and there is no way he will want to help me. At least thats the perception i am given.

    On amother level, not sure if financial issues has led me to not "like" him anymore. I cant seem to enjoy to want to be around him much more, even to watch TV or eat dinner together. I feel i want to go and be by myself. Although i do realize i have it pretty good at the moment cause of his help.

    Maybe i am not seeig the deeper underlying msg that he does love me enough to still be with me thru me getting my self together again, but he bitches and whines about it every other day...

    Toughts? Opinions? Questions? Will be happy to discuss and air this out of my system.
    Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    This is simple: the love is gone. Time to move on.
  • guyinsoma

    Posts: 7

    Feb 26, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Sex was not great and he whines about shit. I say he wants out and does not want to be the bad guy dumping you when you are at your lows. So he becomes a negative person around you and hope you will pack and leave yourself.
  • red_series

    Posts: 136

    Feb 26, 2013 1:51 AM GMT
    sounds like you need to move on
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Feb 26, 2013 2:30 AM GMT
    If the sex is bad, in any relationship, it's over. If you're having issues with the money and other stuff, you're flogging a dead horse. (No animals were injured in that analogy.)
  • Ridge181

    Posts: 11

    Feb 26, 2013 3:25 AM GMT
    Seems like i need to face the music and move on. Ill get there soon (financially and physically) but emotionally i am doing that just in denial stages. :/.

    I have to ask - does sex like "in the beginning" really last that long? ( say 3-5 or even 10 yrs?)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:50 AM GMT
    Ridge181 saidHad an insane life experience where i suffered from panic and anxiety attacks... quit FT job to chill and work on anxiety stuff...


    You might wanna flesh this part out a bit more.
    I rather suspect you are leaving out some important details here.
  • Ridge181

    Posts: 11

    Feb 26, 2013 3:58 AM GMT
    osakarob said
    Ridge181 saidHad an insane life experience where i suffered from panic and anxiety attacks... quit FT job to chill and work on anxiety stuff...


    You might wanna flesh this part out a bit more.
    I rather suspect you are leaving out some important details here.


    Sure! Well, we were at a point where we had decided to leave the city. I was really stressed at the job, but have mainly always have been and survived. However, this time, i was leaving the city i had so desperately moved to and also leaving a nice set of friends (not too far) but it seemed the best thing esp being i was going thru the attacks and wanting "run away" from it all.... But now it seems like a "wait-a-minute" moment i didnt meant to leave my city.

    This, panic attacks all, literally, began one day... I had never, ever felt that way.. I was hungover that morning and had coffee to pick me up. But i had done this MANY a time, which confuses me.....

    Does that explain it?
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Feb 26, 2013 4:15 AM GMT
    There are a lot of issues at play here.

    1) About the financials: What if the two of you worked it out to where you would do more of the chores if you can't meet him financially on the bills?

    2) About the sex: It sounds like the two of you are not sexually satisfied with each other. You two need to talk about this.

    3) Emotions: I liked the comment from guyinsoma about him using a stressful time to make you feel like you're not interested in the relationship any more so that you would dump him, which he seems to not have the courage to do to you. BUT....the same could be said about you. You could be coming on here to solicit strangers to your side of the issue in order for you to feel confident in leaving him. Again, the two of you need to talk about things.

    To sum it up, if YOU are interested in fixing this, the two of you need to talk about things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    Emotional issues don't work themselves out in a matter of months.

    You still prefer to be by yourself; and you're making yourself miserable by staying with someone for financial security.

    You need to find a way out. Find a FT job, get back on your own feet, and move out on your own. That's the only way you're going to work this out.
  • Ridge181

    Posts: 11

    Feb 26, 2013 1:14 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidThere are a lot of issues at play here.

    1) About the financials: What if the two of you worked it out to where you would do more of the chores if you can't meet him financially on the bills?

    2) About the sex: It sounds like the two of you are not sexually satisfied with each other. You two need to talk about this.

    3) Emotions: I liked the comment from guyinsoma about him using a stressful time to make you feel like you're not interested in the relationship any more so that you would dump him, which he seems to not have the courage to do to you. BUT....the same could be said about you. You could be coming on here to solicit strangers to your side of the issue in order for you to feel confident in leaving him. Again, the two of you need to talk about things.

    To sum it up, if YOU are interested in fixing this, the two of you need to talk about things.


    Hey - thanks for the reply icon_smile.gif. See below

    1. I do the housework around here, but more 'naturally' if that makes sense. But in a way, we recognize thats a good way to "pay" him. Since i work PT i have time to launder, mow the lawn, run errands for him, do my own errands, and especially cook and do the groceries. He always will have breakfast and dinner made by me.

    2. Things, a lot of ppl here don't know yet, is that we HAVE spoken about it.. Then he runs way and sticks his head in the sand about stuff. I especially learned his tactic when i noticed him mother do it as i went with him to his hometown on vacation for a long time. So, it has been spoken about it.. But in a way, there no changing him or me. I don't want to top anymore. Its just not my preference. Im a big old bottom haha and for him, he cant get off trying to top and can only jack off if he bottoms. He also sometimes is too tired to even just play but then ill hear him jack to porn downstairs.

    3. He does point out i am not interested but thats because my actions speak louder than words. The way, i want to go to the other room to watch my shows or when we eat dinner, i cringe just because I'm there at the same table - things also r no fun. He doesn't like going out (not clubs or bars) but hanging out with mutual friends, having wine, chatting loud or laughing. Its simply boring!! And well, thru my actions and the "jokes" around the house we have spoken about things and i have told him, we r not working.... Fact is, i have no way of moving.. No savings, just friends... So moving means save my money when i get a FT job. If he were to beat me up tomorrow, all i have is friends to go to.

    So, yes, i do want ppl to tell me and reiterate what i think i should do. But its also good to hear other outsider, complete stranger views.
    I do love the guy and he is great, but for someone else...
  • Ridge181

    Posts: 11

    Feb 26, 2013 1:19 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidEmotional issues don't work themselves out in a matter of months.

    You still prefer to be by yourself; and you're making yourself miserable by staying with someone for financial security.

    You need to find a way out. Find a FT job, get back on your own feet, and move out on your own. That's the only way you're going to work this out.


    I think u r hitting a nail on the head as this, independent problem, is completely deeper and something i feel i have no support by my bf. He actually makes fun that i go to therapy and he "acts" panicky as if he was having a panic attack, joking about the way i have been around him during some episodes.

    His own father even made fun when we were getting on a ferry together stating he was going to have a panic attack. One of my big ones was on a boat.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2013 2:42 PM GMT
    There's a couple of things there that merit serious attention.

    1. I agree, love is gone. If he is disrespecting you and even his father is, then definitely you need to get out of there for the sake of your own self esteem.
    If you stay there then you are disrespecting yourself by letting it happen.

    2. Panic attacks are just like that, difficult to explain, and the don't always appear after a traumatic event. That's what make them so difficult to treat without external help.

    3. Also, the financials are many times a stressful portion of the relationship, especially when it's very different for both parties. My ex wanted us both to do 50:50, without any consideration on him being much better financially than me, as I was fresh out of school. To make things worse, he always wanted to go to expensive restaurants and asked for the most expensive a dishes. I was smart enough to say, I'll pay my dish, you'll pay yours with all your drinks and such.
    All is all it became very stressful. I had a conversation with him where I said:
    'I can't do this, it's too much for me.'
    Him: it's 50:50, and no other way
    (What a douche, I should've left him sooner)
    Me: one day you'll see, I'll have the upper hand, and you'll have to eat your 50:50.

    Time flew: and he lost his job. Needless to say, I have been financially excellent and he wasn't. So when a stressful time came I smiled and said: this is my time to do 50:50...




    If you make 20% of the money that comes into the house, then it's fair you pay 20% of the stuff, THAT is the real, fair 50:50, but not everyone wants it...until they are down.



    So, to summarize, get out of there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    I never let money money ruin relationships. Any type of relationships.

    When i first datin my guy, he was a full time college student. He had no income. He was broke. I paid about 95% of the time we went out, an i did not mind at all nor do i mention it because im not the "counting" type. I do because i want to, not because i needed to. Besides, i was making wayyy more than guys my age.

    After college, he landed a FT job and was able to chip in. But just because he had income, it didnt mean that i stopped paying. Because until today, i like to grb the check everytime we go out.

    If hes making you feel that he doesnt want to support you financially (temporarily speaking), then to me that equals not to not caring about you.
  • Ridge181

    Posts: 11

    Mar 01, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    Yeah i think meantime, ill be a great bf and save my money. And then just leave. Its all confusing and i get completely mixed messages too. Sex is gone and im a horn dog.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2013 12:44 PM GMT
    When money comes between love, And if a person chooses money over love, then it is not love anymore!

    So, my question is, which one he chooses? You or Money?
    answer to yourself!