Unattractive to others... But comfortable with yourself?

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 26, 2013 5:26 AM GMT
    I've had this though on my mind for awhile now but do you get offended when a guy you perceive as unattractive doesn't think he is unattractive or has confidence in himself?

    Using myself as an example, I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world but I am comfortable with how I look and i don't find myself "ugly". Different maybe but not ugly. On online sites, I have gotten a few comments where guy(s) would tell me that they thought I was "scary", "ugly", "gross" and so on and that I don't deserve to have standards or to be "picky". Generally, I'll just shrug them off and ignore those kinds of comments (everyone's entitled to their own opinions) but after getting another similar comment earlier today, it made me wonder.

    So I guess I have 3 questions that I have on my mind.

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?
    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?
    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?

    All opinions are welcome. I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't care, I'll deal with the consequences as they come for such a question.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 26, 2013 6:05 AM GMT
    Painted said
    Elysian_Fields said
    So I guess I have 3 questions that I have on my mind.

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?
    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?
    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?

    All opinions are welcome. I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't care, I'll deal with the consequences as they come for such a question.


    Don't feel like you are gonna get blasted for speaking what's on your mind. Too many e-gangsters roaming the INTERNET have nothing better to do with their lives than tear others down.

    To answer your questions

    1. I've only been criticized for my appearance on the INTERNET. Never in person which leads me to believe the ones with the problem are the ones that hide behind a computer screen actin all tough when they are nothing but.

    2. Depends. If they really are unattractive (not even based on looks alone) then let the truth do what no lie can.

    3. It is in your nature as a human being to be discriminatory, it follows Charles Darwin's theory of Natural Selection and survival of the fittest. Gays don't typically reproduce however it is human nature to be picky.

    Best of luck, and work on the things you can change about yourself to build up your confidence. It comes from within not from others.


    Thank you for your input icon_smile.gif
    I guess the whole criticism thing is an internet thing since people are safe behind screens and can be as rude or "bliunt" as they want to be even though they wouldn't behave as such in the real world.

    And thanks for the lyric, it really is inspiring. icon_smile.gif
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Feb 26, 2013 6:10 AM GMT
    Dear OP I am going to put it as simple as I know how! outer beauty while undoubtedly and without question more appealing and prefer by most, gosh even the less attractive people are guilty of same preferences! but outer beauty my dear friend is perishable much like everything in life that eventually ages and wrinkles away! at one point even outer beauty becomes ugly and unattractive through time. Can you imagine how miserable someone who is obsessed with their looks now be when they will eventually face old age!? don't alter the person that you already are, because if you do you will be in for some rude awakening when you reach old age.

    Having said that inner beauty my dear friend is the only kind of beauty that is ageless! it is the only kind of beauty that is guaranteed to improve through time! sweetie just work on your inner beauty, and don't ever let anyone lead you to believe that you are anything but beautiful, because if you have a good heart, is kind, compassionate,considered, conscientious,and lets not forget one who also embraces it flaws and imperfections, your personal demons, struggles, fears, and everything that make you human, that is what makes you the more attractive!!

    You may not fit the standards of physical beauty to the majority of gays you will know in your lifetime, but if you know in your heart to be a good person to yourself and others, you are way ahead of yourself to nourish that inner ageless inner beauty in you, from the rest of those whose physical beauty will hit them like a wall as they get older, and old we will all get!

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 26, 2013 8:13 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidDear OP I am going to put it as simple as I know how! outer beauty while undoubtedly and without question more appealing and prefer by most, gosh even the less attractive people are guilty of same preferences! but outer beauty my dear friend is perishable much like everything in life that eventually ages and wrinkles away! at one point even outer beauty becomes ugly and unattractive through time. Can you imagine how miserable someone who is obsessed with their looks now be when they will eventually face old age!? don't alter the person that you already are, because if you do you will be in for some rude awakening when you reach old age.

    Having said that inner beauty my dear friend is the only kind of beauty that is ageless! it is the only kind of beauty that is guaranteed to improve through age! sweetie just work on your inner beauty, and don't ever let anyone lead you to believe that you are anything but beautiful, because if you have a good heart, is kind, compassionate,considered, conscientious,and lets not forget one who also embraces it flaws and imperfections, your personal demons, struggles, fears, and everything that make you human.

    You may not fit the standards of physical beauty to the majority of gays you will know in your lifetime, but if you know in your heart to be a good person to yourself and others, you are way ahead of yourself to nourish that inner ageless inner beauty in you, from the rest of those whose physical beauty will hit them like a wall as they get older, and old we will all get!



    Thank you for the wisdom. icon_smile.gif I'll try my best to work on my inner self for sure. Thanks for your input!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 9:36 AM GMT
    People like to feel elite. When someone else feels good about himself without matching the "elite criteria", it makes the elistist unsure of himself. To restore the sense of superiority, he bashes the other guy and feels temporarily better again.

    dem crazy humans
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:43 PM GMT
    1. Yes both on the Internet and in person but I don't give a damn. I like the way that I look

    2. Not really

    3. Sometimes
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Feb 26, 2013 1:02 PM GMT
    If I'd imagine a person coming up to me and randomly saying "Hey dude, you're ugly", I imagine this person with serious social issues and probably ignore them. Keeping that in mind, any person who just surfs around on the net calling people ugly aren't really worth anyone's time.

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?

    In real life, never. I'm very self-conscious about my apperance though although, like you said, I don't find myself hideous; but it has left its mark in how I approach people. I always wait for people to approach me because then I can assume there's at least some kind of interest.

    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?

    DEPENDS. I hate when people are full of themselves, regardless if they're attractive or not. I hate when people use names like "hot_guy92" or "sexyboi" etc.

    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?

    It shouldn't, but again, it does affect me and prevents me from approaching guys that I think are out my league. Which is of course stupid.

    The thing you need to remember is that hot people are people just like us, except they're hot.

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    Feb 26, 2013 1:13 PM GMT
    ^ best song ever
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 1:17 PM GMT
    Elysian_Fields said

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?
    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?
    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?


    1. I am sure I do but TBH I don't give anyone the stage or the attention to even verify that I care about their critique of my appearance, espcially if it is not constructive criticism. I handle it by ignoring it and not acknowledging their criticism, unless they made it a very personal and widely publicized attack. Thats when they get called out.

    2. No I give them more power because having a good self esteem is healthy, even if my opinion of their looks is unattractive. But what bothers me for example: is when someone doesn't seem like they're embracing who they are, their identity and denying their conscious sinking in self pity, while being super-judgemental, shallow and needy.

    3. Someone's view of another as unatrractive is just their opinion. not a fact. And there is nothing wrong with having standards and preferences. If someone wants to label that picky well let them label it! I'd give them a piece of paper so they can make a full list of labels so I don't have to hear it.
  • ThatSwimmerGu...

    Posts: 3755

    Feb 26, 2013 1:53 PM GMT
    I consider my self unattractive and people seem to think the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:39 PM GMT
    Elysian_Fields said

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?
    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?
    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?


    Well I find this quite interesting, I struggled with this a bit myself just feel that gay men are extremely cruel at times which I don't get. There are different types of looks and beauty is subjective what some find beautiful others don't and everyone focuses too much on the the mainstream definition of beauty.
    But to answer your questions:

    1) I have had people tell me I am handsome both in person and online( I don't agree but hey I see myself everyday). But I have also had people stare at me like I'm some freak that belongs in a cage and ask me what is wrong with my face( I was born with a tumor you see). I handle both pretty easy I thank people for their kind comments( I feel like I am being patronized at times) and I ignore the rude ones and tell the dumbasses brave enough to ask what's wrong with my face nothing but something is about to be wrong with yours. I am happy with who I am though at the end of the day! An that's all that matters

    2) not really I feel people should be confident in themselves even if people don't find them hot someone else will. What is obnoxious is if you are too extremely into yourself, which some very hot guys are it's a turn off being too into yourself.

    3) I think everyone has a right to be picky on who they choose to see or be with. But hey if you are always aiming for the moon you will keep getting shot down because that is a very high bar to aim for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:52 PM GMT
    1. No
    2. Yes
    3. No

    Sooner or later everyone should realize that there is no room for physical beauty in the beauty of love!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:05 PM GMT
    This is an excellent topic for discussion, especially on THIS site, where there are so many attractive guys.

    I have a friend who once said, 'the problem is that you like pretty guys but they all like each other.'

    I don't get criticized DIRECTLY. However, the number of conversations I've tried to start with guys online vastly outweighs the number of guys who respond. I guess this is a form of silent criticism. I chalk it up to the internet and what my friend said about pretty people. The online dating world is purely based on looks alone. If we like the way someone looks, then we're going to delve into his profile. If we do not like the way he looks, we're going to move on. We are all guilty of this and everyone is allowed to have their preferences.

    It is admirable that you let it run off your back. It shows that you're well adjusted. It's just rude for anyone to say the things you indicate people have said to you. There's no need to be mean. It's inexcusable and, truly, THOSE are the ugly people. I assume your question comes from you hitting up guys and them responding with negativity and not that guys just hit you up with rude comments out of the blue...if they do, you should report them to the administrator as that's not appropriate conduct.

    I have two questions for you:

    1) Do you run into the same issue in the 'real' world when you meet people in person? I find that in person, people are much more polite and you immediately know if there's any sort of connection.

    2) Do you find that the majority of guys you initiate conversations with do not find you attractive or are rude but that on the flip side, you're not into the majority of guys who hit on you?
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    Feb 26, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    many people have told me in person that I am unattractive and ok I'm cool with that.
    Attractiveness doesn't mean anything to me because I never judge a person by their appearance and I believe that they would do the same to me. emoticon-00115-inlove.gif
  • BuggEyedSprit...

    Posts: 920

    Feb 26, 2013 3:18 PM GMT
    Hell, even when my front crowns fall out, very few people ever run away...icon_eek.gif
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Feb 26, 2013 3:25 PM GMT
    Beauty is all subjective and I really do despise the word "ugly". It is nothing more than a word created by society that does nothing but outcast certain people since they do not fit a certain 'criteria'. This all ties along with the word "normal", both which are subjective words but yet people will throw them at you as though they are facts. "In order to be normal you must behave this way." "That guy right there is so ugly.. Who told him to wear that!?"

    For example, what may be "weird" in the United States would be something completely "normal" to another country. The same applies to looks, what I may find extremely appealing, another person may see the total opposite. The more that people understand these words are subjective to the point that they cannot define themselves, the more they would realize that such labels in life does not exist.

    Every human being has their own right to know and feel that they have worth regardless of the opinions of others. It's crazy shit that I wear that's from South Korea that a lot of people either give me odd looks about or compliments. But when I get dressed and go out in the public I'm not fishing for looks nor compliments, I aim for a sense of individuality and that's something everyone owes to themselves to express.

    Obviously this is a topic I feel strongly on since I myself grew up listening to what others thought about me and I allowed that to hinder myself from truly loving myself. So I feel that everyone has their own right to be who they are as a person regardless of the views that society may push on them. Cheers!
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:41 PM GMT
    Recommend not tripping on this. You expect to make everyone all the time, let alone half the time; unless you give up some of your identity and integrity.
  • TannerMasseur

    Posts: 7893

    Feb 26, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    Everyone has there preference. The "other" head knows what it likes. Like a metal guide detector it springs up when it detects that elusive buried metal. Some just fit the bill for the majority of people, others just fall to the wayside......
  • BeNiHiKoU

    Posts: 250

    Feb 26, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    Elysian_Fields said

    So I guess I have 3 questions that I have on my mind.

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?
    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?
    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?

    All opinions are welcome. I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't care, I'll deal with the consequences as they come for such a question.



    Hey Kai!

    Hum.. No easy questions, I see :

    1. I do - both in person and electronically. Most come across are blunt, I must say. But I usually take them well, because, they actually consist of constructive criticisms on improving my appearance. Since entering high school, I've started growing bald while simultaneously growing a full beard up to my eyes - as if the hair on my head were recessing into my skull, only to reappear below my eyes, covering everything from cheeks to chin:

    33920_164019043617530_6731786_n.jpg

    I personally love the look - it keeps me warm and makes me look closer to my actual age, I think!... Beside, grooming just takes too much time, can be a pain and is costly - since I don't shave myself.... But not everyone agrees with that look. I had people look at me in horror and disgust - especially when going to gay clubs and bars in West Hollywood with a full beard and bald head. On such occasions, I've been told by many that I looked down right scary and even repulsive... And then a couple of months later, I'd go back to the same bars, but making some efforts to improve my appearance - i.e. shaved head and face, showering and dressing/acting sexy. And while people did not necessarily flock to me, I did not elicit disdain, contempt, disgust and harsh comments any longer because somehow, I now fulfilled people's requirements of what's considered attractive.....

    In the end, like many other before me have wrote, what matters the most is how one feels about oneself. The way you look or the way people react to your appearance are so subjective, it ain't worth giving it more attention than a half-hearted earful...

    2. & 3. Absolutely not!.. I actually admire and support such level of confidence. I believe in having pride in who and where one stand without compulsive comparison to others. No matter how low or high, close or far others are in position to you should not make you doubt and fidget about where and what you stand for.


    I must say that the formulation of the thread's title made me uneasy, at first: 'Unattractive to others' gives me the impression that somehow 'unattractiveness' is a absolute feature that you possess - which I personally don't agree with, given the subjective nature of attraction. 'Others' not being attracted to you does not mean that you're inherently unattractive.


  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Mar 06, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    Very interesting answers. I can see from all sides really.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Mar 06, 2013 11:27 PM GMT
    nycheightsguy saidThis is an excellent topic for discussion, especially on THIS site, where there are so many attractive guys.

    I have a friend who once said, 'the problem is that you like pretty guys but they all like each other.'

    I don't get criticized DIRECTLY. However, the number of conversations I've tried to start with guys online vastly outweighs the number of guys who respond. I guess this is a form of silent criticism. I chalk it up to the internet and what my friend said about pretty people. The online dating world is purely based on looks alone. If we like the way someone looks, then we're going to delve into his profile. If we do not like the way he looks, we're going to move on. We are all guilty of this and everyone is allowed to have their preferences.

    It is admirable that you let it run off your back. It shows that you're well adjusted. It's just rude for anyone to say the things you indicate people have said to you. There's no need to be mean. It's inexcusable and, truly, THOSE are the ugly people. I assume your question comes from you hitting up guys and them responding with negativity and not that guys just hit you up with rude comments out of the blue...if they do, you should report them to the administrator as that's not appropriate conduct.

    I have two questions for you:

    1) Do you run into the same issue in the 'real' world when you meet people in person? I find that in person, people are much more polite and you immediately know if there's any sort of connection.

    2) Do you find that the majority of guys you initiate conversations with do not find you attractive or are rude but that on the flip side, you're not into the majority of guys who hit on you?



    To answer your questions.

    1. In real, I don't get as much criticism as I do online. The only criticism I ever get for my choice in aesthetic is from my family. They are the only ones who are vocal about it. But when it comes to guys, it's not as common. I've only gotten criticized twice offline by someone other then my family. So yeah, I would agree that people are more polite in real life.

    2. Mmm the majority of guys I have interest in almost have no interest/attraction to me back. It's like an 85-90% chance where I guy I am interested in is not interested in me. And unfortunately, yes. I hate to be that guy but a big chunk of guys who hit on me are not people I am interested in but I won't act rude and condescending toward them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 06, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    Confidence IS attractive!

    What are you looking for in life? A mannequin? Hate to break it to yah, but mannequins have no balls. Or other naughty bits, for that matter.

    So OP, why are you butthurt over SOMEONE ELSE'S confidence? I recommend therapy so that you can worry less about other people and more about building your own. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2013 12:02 AM GMT
    A few things. But I'll answer your questions first.

    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?

    Not really.

    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?

    No. Not sure what that person's confidence should bother me. Their confidence is making them more attractive.


    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?

    Depends on what your goals are. You're only as picky as you want to be... and getting what you want is apparently more important than getting something at all. Which is fine.

    All that said, it's a mistake to make broad assumptions about what you are based on people's responses online. Let me explain.

    Firstly, I get very few responses if I send someone a cold-call type message. Now, I know what I look like: I'm not worried that this has something to do with me being objectively unattractive. But online is something different. You have less to offer online than you do in person. Online interaction encourages people to see only the picture of you and run with that. So don't take it to heart if you get mixed or poor results from online interactions. They just suck in general.

    Secondly, no one is everyone's type. I get rejected all the time for a range of reasons. I'm too tall, too heavy, too muscular, too white, not hairy enough, American, etc. etc. whatever. We just aren't everyone's type. But we are someone's type. There could be any number of reasons why someone doesn't click with you or me or anyone.

    Finally, don't read too much into the who hits on who part of gay interactions. The vast majority of people that hit on me I am not attracted to. And the reverse is usually true as well haha. But I also like musclebears and I can't grow much hair.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2013 12:08 AM GMT
    1. Do you get criticized for your appearance? And if so, how do you handle the criticism?
    - Plenty of people don't find me attractive. Story of my life. I just move on. I'm pretty good at rejection.

    2. Does it bother you when you see someone who you think is unattractive who thinks he is not unattractive?
    - Not at all. I'm respect and appreciate this.

    3. Is it wrong for said "unattractive" guy to be a bit picky?
    - Again, not at all. It actually makes him seem more interesting. But if this guy won't date other dudes on the same level of attractiveness as himself for superficial reasons, that's just douchey behavior.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Mar 08, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    intensity69 saidConfidence IS attractive!

    What are you looking for in life? A mannequin? Hate to break it to yah, but mannequins have no balls. Or other naughty bits, for that matter.

    So OP, why are you butthurt over SOMEONE ELSE'S confidence? I recommend therapy so that you can worry less about other people and more about building your own. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Um I think you have it wrong. I wasn't saying that other people's confidence bugs me. icon_confused.gif If you're referring to my 3 questions I asked, I wasn't saying that I get annoyed/butt hurt over at people who I weren't into. So I think you misinterpreted what my post was asking...