"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

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    Feb 26, 2013 9:52 AM GMT
    "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

    So I've heard this reason for breaking up, never personally, and I always wondered, "Is that just total B.S.?"

    So I wanted to ask y'all:
    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason and/or
    2) have you ever used it as an excuse to break up with someone and what made you feel that way or
    3) neither but you have an opinion on it

    Hope that makes sense. Thanks y'all.
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    Feb 26, 2013 11:42 AM GMT
    (2)

    I have justified a break-up from a serious 4-year relationship with 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'.

    It's definitely a real feeling. When you are together with someone for a long time you can develop a certain attachment to that person - you'll always love them. Despite that, you can fall out of being 'in love' with that someone. The relationship can lose it's romance and although you care about them in the deepest way, your spark/flame/fulfilment/happiness can be lost.

    We went through an extended rough patch and by the time we overcame the worst, our dynamic had changed. I didn't feel like a functioning couple.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 26, 2013 12:09 PM GMT
    None of the above have applied to my relationships, but certainly have come into play in the initial stages of dating--the ol' "I really like you as a person, but am not feeling that this is going to be more than a friendship" or some variation thereof. Have been on both sides of the equation. It sucks, but is just a fact. Most times real friendships have developed, but there has been some heartache, too. Kindness and honesty are what make the difference.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:10 PM GMT
    (2) I used it to sort of break up with someone in my past. Well, it's a complicated feeling, no it's not B.S. Basically, I still love the person in a certain sense but there were so much shit/stuff that we can't get over and I came to realized that * We are so NOT compatible and yeah ----*No I'm not in love with you anymore and we're just better as friends. It may sounds harsh but whatever you can't help the way you feel or he feel in the relationship.

    ^^ agreed with COLD, above me, too.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    2) yes i used this.

    One thing the heart is sure of is when it is not in love, as love is never unsure.

    I tried to be friends, but it just didn't work out. He was too in love with me and wanted me to be his emotional intimate crutch. So soon our lives completely departed because I made sure to avoid him. Sadly some break ups must end this way when one person is in love and the other is not.
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    Feb 26, 2013 12:57 PM GMT
    fotoben said
    So I wanted to ask y'all:
    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason and/or
    2) have you ever used it as an excuse to break up with someone and what made you feel that way or
    3) neither but you have an opinion on it

    I had a BF who used that exact expression on me all the time. It wasn't to break up, though, but to explain why he wouldn't agree to my proposal that we become exclusive partners together.

    Finally after 2 years I had enough of rejection, of dating but also sometimes sharing him and living alone, since I am by nature a "married" kind of guy, and monogamous, too, when in an LTR. So I moved away to find what I wanted, and 9 months later was with another guy. But just a couple of weeks after he & I announced our partnership (but I hadn't told the ex-BF yet, though he knew we were dating and serious) my ex phoned me, to say he was coming to look for a place to buy and to live with me as my partner!

    My absence made him realize he loved me after all, he explained, and now he wanted to become my partner. I broke the news to him that I had moved on, and had made a commitment on which I wasn't going to renege.

    When he wanted to know why I hadn't "waited" a little longer for him, I reminded him of his own words, spoken so many times to me in declining to become my partner: "Bob, I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." Wasn't I supposed to believe you, I asked him? I took you at your word, you said it often enough to me. You even repeated it on the phone after I had moved away.

    Now you're suddenly reversing yourself, after I did wait, for over 2 years for you to change your mind? He replied he'd been giving me "hints" on the phone since I'd left, but again I reminded him that any weak hints were mixed in with repetitions of those words I hated to hear.

    And so a guy's use of those words lead me to break up with him, not him with me, and then I used those same words to remain broken up with him, and refuse a reconciliation.
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    Feb 26, 2013 1:17 PM GMT
    cold said(2)

    I have justified a break-up from a serious 4-year relationship with 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'.

    It's definitely a real feeling. When you are together with someone for a long time you can develop a certain attachment to that person - you'll always love them. Despite that, you can fall out of being 'in love' with that someone. The relationship can lose it's romance and although you care about them in the deepest way, your spark/flame/fulfilment/happiness can be lost.

    We went through an extended rough patch and by the time we overcame the worst, our dynamic had changed. I didn't feel like a functioning couple.


    Same here. Dated the greatest guy on earth and I broke up with him the same way you did. I still care for him so much, but it's not that love I had for him at first. He didn't understand why I decided to breakup with him. Still up to today he's confuse about it.
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    Feb 26, 2013 1:46 PM GMT
    fotoben said"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."


    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason


    My reaction was "bullshit: don't touch me."

    A relationship is work and "in love" doesn't just happen and sustain itself indefinitely. It's a product of the time and energy you put into keeping it alive. He was just lazy and selfish and didn't want to do the work.
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:08 PM GMT
    I think it depends on the context:

    In a relationship 9/10 it is a excuse and just that. People fear having to be honest and truthful to someone because they fear feeling guilty. So they come up with justified reasons for their actions (others would include: it's not you it's me, we can still be friends, I'm just not in the right place at the moment). Their are rare cases where that type of emotion could be a genuine one so I think it is a probable feeling.

    I've learned to filter out the bullshit though.

    Now I think this would work better for a friendship where it is perfectly capable to love someone and not be in love with them.

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    Feb 26, 2013 2:22 PM GMT
    Good topic. I used it in the my last relashinship.
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:26 PM GMT
    Although its hurtful to be on the receiving end of that statement, you can't blame a person for not feeling a certain way about you. Take it as an opportunity to meet someone who will be in love with you.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 26, 2013 2:28 PM GMT
    translation: we're both bottoms and papa needs eight inches to ride to ponyland
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:31 PM GMT
    Hmmm...you have to have both; loving someone AND being in love with them.

    I think this because:

    I've known people that are in love with each other but can't stand each other. Yet separate them for a day and they're morose and pining for the other. Their relationships are fraught with turmoil. Love/hate relationship.

    I've known people who love each other greatly, but that state of being in love isn't there. They drift apart, becoming friends.



  • tnlifter

    Posts: 76

    Feb 26, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    Larkin said
    fotoben said"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."


    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason


    My reaction was "bullshit: don't touch me."

    A relationship is work and "in love" doesn't just happen and sustain itself indefinitely. It's a product of the time and energy you put into keeping it alive. He was just lazy and selfish and didn't want to do the work.



    THIS!!!^
    Larkin got it exactly right. I got this and the "let's be friends" garbage. My response: "A friend would not do a friend this way." He said he was sorry. I agreed with that, and told him "If you're looking for absolution, call the Pope, cause I don't hand it out."
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    Feb 26, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    tnlifter said
    Larkin said
    fotoben said"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."


    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason


    My reaction was "bullshit: don't touch me."

    A relationship is work and "in love" doesn't just happen and sustain itself indefinitely. It's a product of the time and energy you put into keeping it alive. He was just lazy and selfish and didn't want to do the work.



    THIS!!!^
    Larkin got it exactly right. I got this and the "let's be friends" garbage. My response: "A friend would not do a friend this way." He said he was sorry. I agreed with that, and told him "If you're looking for absolution, call the Pope, cause I don't hand it out."


    To both of you; how does a person make himself stay in love with another?

    intrigued,

    -Doug
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Feb 26, 2013 3:05 PM GMT
    Well I'm about to shatter all myths - ok probably not actually but at least for some of you here - by telling you that I am in love with my Ex of 17 years and I love him as much if not more than anyone in the world. But the truth is we're simply not sexually compatible - we had not had sex in over 10 years when we separared three years ago - and we decided to break off the relationship or the marriage, if you will, simply because we wanted something more balanced with intimacy befitting a marriage. We tried but it was not there.
    The witness to my life and the true partner has not yet emerged. I seek it still and may, if wise enough to allow it, realize it some day. Sustaining loving intimacy, and satisfying carnality requires something much more difficult but not impossible. It is exceedingly rare. But I'd be lying if I said. "I'm not in love with you" when I broke it off. The truth was that he was satisfied but I wanted a more balanced mix of love and lust and we were not a couple who could manifest that to our mutual satisfaction. So, now we have a profoundly deep friendship. Neither of us wanted to open the relationship - just not wired for it, not the least judging of men who do and can. So it turns out that that being 'in love' has different levels. In fact, I can say I have been - and am on rich and varying levels - in love with many men whom I love.
    I believe I can find it again. And be twice as rich. And find the right 'working' partner to create a relationship where the depth is greater than any other.
    Rare. But I'm hopeful.

  • Feb 26, 2013 3:22 PM GMT
    Of course is BS!!
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Feb 26, 2013 3:25 PM GMT
    It doesn't make sense when you are on the receiving end of that one. It doesn't mean it doesn't make sense. When you are in love and with someone you think is in love with you, you might not be able to comprehend that something might have changed for them because you can't possibly think that you would ever fall out of love with them.

    I've been there. It sucks.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:37 PM GMT
    Larkin said
    fotoben said"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."


    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason


    My reaction was "bullshit: don't touch me."

    A relationship is work and "in love" doesn't just happen and sustain itself indefinitely. It's a product of the time and energy you put into keeping it alive. He was just lazy and selfish and didn't want to do the work.


    I agree that a relationship is work but I don't agree that 'being in love' is something that if you work on, it will happen. Loving yes, being in love, no.

    Loving someone is from the heart, a caring, understanding emotion whereas being in love is a much deeper feeling that happens when that connection with someone is so strong that every breath, every beat of your heart, revolves around having them in your life.

    It's not BS, it's true love and it doesn't just happen because you date a guy and suddenly you're a couple. You can't work on it unless it's already there.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:48 PM GMT
    I think the difference between "love you" and "in love with you" is this: in contemporary English "love you" can mean having great affection, being very fond of someone, not limited to just one person.

    "In love" more typically means deeper romance, frequently sexual, the ultimate expression of love, to the exclusion of others. If I say "I love you" then you might be on the same level as my family and close friends. If I say "I'm in love with you" then you're my one and only romance.

    At least that's how I've always interpreted the semantic difference in these expressions. And therefore why the OP's quote makes sense to me, and also when my ex-BF spoke those words to me.
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:52 PM GMT
    Larkin said
    fotoben said"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."


    1) has someone ever used that as an excuse to break up with you and what was your reaction to it as a reason


    My reaction was "bullshit: don't touch me."

    A relationship is work and "in love" doesn't just happen and sustain itself indefinitely. It's a product of the time and energy you put into keeping it alive. He was just lazy and selfish and didn't want to do the work.



    Well said!!!
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    Feb 26, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    Ouch.
    Thank goodness singledom protects me from this.

    I think it's possible for people to fall out of love with someone.
    Influences from all around can cause people to change overtime and I think sometimes 'bad' changes can cause people to fall out of love.
    It's not to say they are no longer important to you, you can very much deeply love them and wish the best in life for them.

    It's like saying how you love a really close friend without it necessarily meaning you are 'in love' with them. There's a difference and so that's the kind of differentiation I make between the two terms.

    I suppose this is what people would describe as the chemistry factor in a relationship. Although chemistry itself is such an odd thing because often one would think it's about similarities between the two people, and often that can be enough.
    Ironically I have friends who are married that are opposite in personalities but they are so into each other so I don't know what that chemistry thing is.

    In saying that though, love isn't a fairy tale either. I believe in reality, any good thing requires work and effort. People are complex and dynamic and so I think it's a myth that there is a destined person out there that is the exact counter-part to yourself which will require no work and will just be instant, continuous love. That sounds so fake and easy.
    The whole point of unconditional love is that you accept each other despite one's shortcomings and work at the relationship together towards new levels.

    Too much shit spouting from this post, must end it now before it's too long.
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    Feb 26, 2013 4:02 PM GMT
    There are three types of relations.

    When the attraction is such that:

    1. Both are into each other.

    This happens rarely when both are into each other both physically and emotionally. I have seen such couples, they are very rare though. Both are usually physically very attractive and both usually have good jobs as well.

    2. Only one is into the other.

    This is the most common. One guy is into other but the other not that much. Even though the second doesnt find first attractive, he is giving it a shot because he wants someone in his life and the first is very loving and kind. In this case either the second will breakup with the first after sometime or he will gradually begin to appreciate and like what the first offers and will start loving him.

    This is the case where second loves the first but is not in love with him, and may say that when he breaks up with the first.

    3. Neither of them is into each other.

    This is also rare. Both are physically unattractive and perhaps know that they will never have someone with a hot body and a good job. But they still want to build a home so they are into each other emotionally and enjoy each other's company (such couples usually have very similar tastes - like cooking, music, gardening etc.) even though the sex isnt what they wanted over time they learn to find ways to please each other and themselves. But sex is not what is keeping the relationship together, it's their common interests.

    Attraction means different thing for different people. I may find somebody unattractive but somebody else may find him attractive.
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    Feb 26, 2013 4:25 PM GMT

    As just now I was driving my aunt to the airport, with all silent in the car out of the blue she said this " No matter what there is,the Love for one another is what matter most!" looking back then I have no idea what triggered her to say that, and I spontaneously say "True."

    sometimes unlikely things to be said happens, I take it as a message that needs to be heard and with an open sense I absorbed it, cause one day I might need it! then get drown away by lust.
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Feb 26, 2013 4:30 PM GMT
    whatever3009 saidThere are three types of relations.

    When the attraction is such that:

    1. Both are into each other.

    This happens rarely when both are into each other both physically and emotionally. I have seen such couples, they are very rare though. Both are usually physically very attractive and both usually have good jobs as well.

    2. Only one is into the other.

    This is the most common. One guy is into other but the other not that much. Even though the second doesnt find first attractive, he is giving it a shot because he wants someone in his life and the first is very loving and kind. In this case either the second will breakup with the first after sometime or he will gradually begin to appreciate and like what the first offers and will start loving him.

    This is the case where second loves the first but is not in love with him, and may say that when he breaks up with the first.

    3. Neither of them is into each other.

    This is also rare. Both are physically unattractive and perhaps know that they will never have someone with a hot body and a good job. But they still want to build a home so they are into each other emotionally and enjoy each other's company (such couples usually have very similar tastes - like cooking, music, gardening etc.) even though the sex isnt what they wanted over time they learn to find ways to please each other and themselves. But sex is not what is keeping the relationship together, it's their common interests.

    Attraction means different thing for different people. I may find somebody unattractive but somebody else may find him attractive.


    God I hope I'm not alone when I say that I find the content of this particular response to be horrifying. You've essentially boiled the most beautiful of human emotions into an equation wherein happiness is determined by a person's physical attractiveness and wealth.

    According to the logic of our post, the only people who are likely to be in love are those that are "physically attractive" and have "good jobs". If this is the case, why aren't all married celebrity couples fantastically satisfied?

    Love exists in a realm outside of human attractiveness. There are people who become sick, and old, injured and maimed. These people can still find love, and the ones who did love them don't always turn their back on them because an essential part of your equation was lost.

    I mean, your defining statement for a couple who "arent into each other" is because "they physically unattractive and perhaps know that they will never have someone with a hot body and a good job".

    Man, if this is how you see the world, you deserve what you get. Reality is a subjective thing, and I'd hate to live in yours. Anyone who wants to date you should run for the fucking hills.