I love my boyfriend... But ...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 2:52 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    First of all, this is a real genuine post and I am seriously asking for other bi/gay men's advice. I would really appreciate your thoughts and response.

    I'm a 24yo guy. Just the typical masculine guy in the closet. I have a boyfriend, who's also 24, and we've been together for over two years. We have something that alot of gay couples don't have, especially our age, and that is a monogamous relationship. We are 100% loyal & faithful with each other.

    But there is a big problem... We are the total opposite. When I say total opposite, I mean 100% opposite. We can never be in the same page. Our personalities always clash... To be honest, I am the only one feeling this way. He feels like we are in a good place, but he does know my issues with him.

    My personality: Outgoing, adventurous, witty, very open minded, likes to joke around, non judgmental, grew up hangin out with boys. I'm the "bro" type. You get the drift.

    His personality: Judgmental, alot of things "annoy" him, "hates" alot of things, 100% type A personality, always want things planned and scheduled, not adventurous. Always frustrated about something He has a negative aura around him. Grew up hanging out with girls.

    I can never enjoy my time with him in public. We just don't get along. The time I enjoy with him is either cuddling on the couch watching TV or cuddling in bed. No over exaggeration, 9 out of 10 times we hang out, we always end up arguing.

    Also, sex is quite dead. He's a 100% bottom. I'm more top. I'd say 80% top and 20% bottom. I prefer to top, but there are times I want to bottom. He does not want to top nor enjoy it, therefore I don't enjoy it.

    I do love him and I am in love with him. My emotional attachment with his is very strong. I can't imagine life without having him very close to me. I don't want to break up, but am very unhappy. I feel like I'm in a toxic relationship.

    I'd appreciate some genuine response and advice.

    Thanks guys
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Feb 27, 2013 4:01 AM GMT
    I think this relationship is doomed. People dont change, so if you are not in sync on a basic level, you never will be, and if the sex is dead now, it only gets worse. Breaking up is horrible, painful and plays complete havoc with your life for awhile. so its tempting to simply stay comfortable with what you know and spend alot of time rationalizing, weighing pros and cons. Stop thinking, go with your gut, and let the chips fall where they may.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 27, 2013 5:36 AM GMT
    Try relaxing and seeing the comic in his Woody Allen approach to the world. If you're 80% top and he's 100% bottom, chill and enjoy the 80%. Stop focusing on what is wrong and relax into what is right. Relationships hit periods where you seriously wonder what you ever saw in your partner but if you don't obsess over it, just go chill about it, invariably if love is truly there, some little non-event will bring back the good feelings and you'll be back on track. And you'll be flooded with the warmth and security of a loving relationship. Then you'll turn around and it has been five years, then ten, then twenty. That's how it works. You'll be solid. You'll be a lucky man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 5:41 AM GMT
    Have you communicated your thoughts on this matter with him directly?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    If you've identified your relationship as toxic, then you are correct in your assessment and you will continue to be miserable. You need to think about whether or not your relationship is worth all that misery!

    Off topic: you said you're open-minded but yet you're in the closet. I don't get that because I'm thinking outgoing, non-judgmental guys such as yourself wouldn't have any problems being out. icon_confused.gif
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 27, 2013 5:55 AM GMT
    I was in your shoes not too long ago. On Black Friday 2012 I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years and it changed my life. I have never been this happy and on top of my finances and my health and fitness.

    As hard as it may be, you might want to consider leaving him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    The fact that all of his traits were negative while all yours were positive/desirable makes me wonder if this is a bit one-sided. I fail to see how you could even get into a relationship if he was a hard person to get along with.

    Obviously, if you aren't happy, then get out. But if you love him, even in the slightest, then at least tell him how you feel. Maybe you can work it out. Even if you can't at least you'll both get closure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    glutamine said
    First of all, this is a real genuine post


    fake post says what?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    The threat of losing the one you love huh??..

    Are you two spending TOO MUCH time together???..... I mean..
    to the point where you almost forgot why you love each other in the first place??..

    Guess it's time you two had a LONG ..LONG talk....

    Be careful with your approach when you do...

    ..If you two really love each other you'll find ways to make things work..

    Wish you luck Man... icon_smile.gif



    ..


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 6:00 AM GMT
    aww, I send you a hug, well dude, I haven't dated a guy so I'm not sure how a gay relationship is, but I'd recommend you to face him and tell him your feelings, to open up and see if you can save that relationship,,,cheers
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 6:01 AM GMT
    So no real sense of compatibility, and the sex is terrible?!?! icon_eek.gif

    tumblr_m51pu9IEYc1qzm5y8o5_250.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 6:07 AM GMT
    Scotticus saidSo no real sense of compatibility, and the sex is terrible?!?! icon_eek.gif

    tumblr_m51pu9IEYc1qzm5y8o5_250.gif


    Well there was a reason they fell in love in the first place..Right??
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 6:39 AM GMT
    Anocxu said
    Scotticus saidSo no real sense of compatibility, and the sex is terrible?!?! icon_eek.gif

    tumblr_m51pu9IEYc1qzm5y8o5_250.gif


    Well there was a reason they fell in love in the first place..Right??


    The qualifier is "was". There was a reason they fell in love. But people change, and not always for the better. And it's not that people can help that they change. It's the same way with friendships. You make friends, and they can last, or people change and the friendships end. And then you make new friends. I think the OP needs to really mull over it and consider having a talk with his boyfriend about their situation. I think the boat could be sinking and it may be time to end it. Because this might not be healthy for either party involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    I agree Scott..BUT..People get caught up...selfish and most times they don't realize it... I

    f the man i loved told me things i needed to pay attention to in order to make our relationship better..I'd listen and make an effort...

    ..I don't think his boyfriend realizes half this list.. icon_confused.gif

  • squally

    Posts: 180

    Feb 27, 2013 7:23 AM GMT
    Instead of telling you to break up or stay, I think you need to ask yourself "are you happy in this relationship?" Can you see yourself with him five years down the road?

    You are both out of the "honeymoon" phase and if you're having compatibility issue you should talk to your boyfriend about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 7:25 AM GMT
    Couples counseling. You need to learn how to communicate with each other. Opposition can work out but it needs attention to detail in the delivery.
  • cavecanem10

    Posts: 70

    Feb 27, 2013 7:31 AM GMT
    I feel like my bf wrote the post above, so I can give you the perspective that I have on his side of the fence. We think very, very differently, and at times, those differences can really clash. At the same time, they can compliment, which is good too, but man, at our core, we are two very different dudes.

    I'm very type A, I like to be the one that's right, I can condescend at times, and I like rules. My guy is very laid back, sometimes too relaxed, doesn't care about conventions. We also sometimes have issues in public because one of us gets annoyed with the other, usually it's my fault, something that I have to work on for sure. We have an amazing time together just the two of us, he does bring out the silly in me, and helps me feel at ease.

    We've been dating a little over a year now, and are still discovering the things that make us tick and the things that tick each other off. I'd say if you feel like you're in a toxic relationship, that's strong, and you need to reconsider. For me, I think our differences help make each other better men, and we notice each other's deficiencies and try and fill them up.

    Maybe take that approach to these differences, not that you are going to change 100%, but you'll make small changes in the right direction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 8:39 AM GMT
    Thank you to all those that gave a meaningful and well thought advice.

    Reading what I wrote and reading all the response... I guess the biggest question is "why am I still in the relationship?"

    Well first, before I answer that.... A couple of weeks ago, I asked my boyfriend a simple question. "What do you love about me?"

    His list about me was long.... Then he asked me the same question and I had a hard time answering. It was that bad.

    I guess I'm still in the relationship because I like being in a monogamous relationship. I like the idea of having a monogamous partner.

    I don't want to sound arrogant or overly cocky, but I can easily meet other guys. But finding one who wants a monogamous relationship, and actually stay committed and not cheat, is very rare.
  • squally

    Posts: 180

    Feb 27, 2013 9:02 AM GMT
    glutamine saidThank you to all those that gave a meaningful and well thought advice.

    Reading what I wrote and reading all the response... I guess the biggest question is "why am I still in the relationship?"

    Well first, before I answer that.... A couple of weeks ago, I asked my boyfriend a simple question. "What do you love about me?"

    His list about me was long.... Then he asked me the same question and I had a hard time answering. It was that bad.

    I guess I'm still in the relationship because I like being in a monogamous relationship. I like the idea of having a monogamous partner.

    I don't want to sound arrogant or overly cocky, but I can easily meet other guys. But finding one who wants a monogamous relationship, and actually stay committed and not cheat, is very rare.


    I am going to sound so judgmental here and I'm sorry about that!
    So you're settling down because it's comfortable? Or perhaps you are not in love with your boyfriend but with the concept of love.

    I don't know your relationship dynamic between you and you're boyfriend, but you should feel grateful. Why? Well not many guys likes dating closeted folks. It's kind of a deal breaker (at least for me), unless you're both in the closet.
    Incompatibility - Yes the two of you are total opposite and I'm sure he knows that too to some degree, but does he complain about it? I'm certain he feels annoyed by ur behavior/habits/personality just as well as you do with his.

    From your description you make your boyfriend sound like a girl. Since you're the "typical masculine guy" (totally understand you can't give us your life story because we probably won't read the whole thing).

    From your last statement it appears you would like to have an open relationship?

    My two cents - Perhaps it's time to see past the differences and embrace what you have going on. Or else get out and set yourself free~
  • squally

    Posts: 180

    Feb 27, 2013 9:06 AM GMT
    Yogi567 saidCouples counseling. You need to learn how to communicate with each other. Opposition can work out but it needs attention to detail in the delivery.


    Agree!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 9:43 AM GMT
    WaytoDawn saidThe fact that all of his traits were negative while all yours were positive/desirable makes me wonder if this is a bit one-sided.


    I agree with this statement. You think he is satisfied with you the way things are but if that were the case, then why is he acting out his frustrations in front of you? If the reason is not you, then you need to find out why he is acting out these frustrations by talking to him about them and see if he will open himself to you.

    A lot of problems can be solved by some conversation. I am not suggesting a monologue from you towards him. You must be able to listen without getting emotional which is sometimes the problem with "love".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 10:13 AM GMT
    So, what you're saying is that you're absolutely perfect and your b/f is the one with all of the problems.

    You're " just a typical masculine guy in the closet ... a real bro type who's open-minded and hangs out with guys", while your b/f is annoyed by a lot of things, is non-adventurous and has a negative aura; which apparently can be attributed to the fact that he grew up hanging out with girls.

    You claim to be non-judgmental, yet you are judging the hell out of your poor partner. Did you ever stop to think that he probably has a Type A personality because of you?

    Maybe he's in such a bad place because you're a pathetic closet case. I mean, it's difficult to be adventurous or enjoy your time together in public places when you're dating an immature guy suffering from a homophobic personality type similar to yours.

    My genuine response to you is above. My genuine advice to your b/f is that he should dump your sorry ass.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 10:22 AM GMT
    glutamine saidThank you to all those that gave a meaningful and well thought advice.

    Reading what I wrote and reading all the response... I guess the biggest question is "why am I still in the relationship?"

    Well first, before I answer that.... A couple of weeks ago, I asked my boyfriend a simple question. "What do you love about me?"

    His list about me was long.... Then he asked me the same question and I had a hard time answering. It was that bad.

    I guess I'm still in the relationship because I like being in a monogamous relationship. I like the idea of having a monogamous partner.

    I don't want to sound arrogant or overly cocky, but I can easily meet other guys. But finding one who wants a monogamous relationship, and actually stay committed and not cheat, is very rare.


    You don't love him. Break up. It's the right thing to do, especially for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2013 10:44 AM GMT
    The most important question is do you love him? If you love him, it shouldn't matter what he's like. Think about why have you two get together. If there's still a chance to get it back, go for it. But if you realize you are still with him only because it's comfortable, then stop and breakup with him ASAP, because the more you will keep him like that the more you will hurt him in the end.

    But as someone said, the fact that you are so different can be an advantage. I was in a relationship like that, we were pretty much the opposites, but as long as we were together it helped us both get the best of each of us. And remember, you are two in the relationship. If you feel like you're losing it, ask your partner for help. But be there for him too, after all you're the one who has a problem, not him. You should try to fix it. And don't expect him to do it, at least not when you don't tell him.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Feb 27, 2013 11:51 AM GMT
    I don't really see this relationship as doomed, that is a bit extreme. I have seen many marriages flourish as a result of spending less time together. If going out into public together is a drag, then go out into public with your friends, he can go with his, and later U guys can get together and snuggle up on the couch together. Do the things together that U enjoy doing together, and for the rest find another friend to do that activity with. Otherwise U will just grow to resent each other. Maybe as you move past these feelings you have now maybe the 20% of the time you don't get along sexually will seem like not such a big deal. If not, then maybe discus the possibility of an open relationship. Just so you can take care of that 20% that you feel like you're missing. There's ways to work these things out.