Decisions, Decisions.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2013 5:36 PM GMT
    Alright, here it goes? I don't even know where to start.
    I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years now... And on another side note he's is 3 years older than me and is on the overweight side.
    I shouldn't be posting about us but I really need help.
    We started off good. Head over heels then we got our first place. Loved it but the issues that have been affecting our relationship started here.

    I found some emails when he was gone to Nebraska. So I took that fine was really upset but later I did the same thing and emailed other people. And this has been basically our entire relationship. It got so bad I left him once and went to Denver. Where I cheated on him but I wasn't planning on coming back to him. But after ignoring him for a couple days I talked to him and he promised o change. But surprise nothing's changed. I know he has image issues and it really effects his self esteem. An he's told me he's gonna work on his weight to make us better but still hasn't done it. He hates going to my family functions and doesn't feel comfortable because he doesn't think he can trust them?
    I'm just at a loss with our relationship. We rarely have sex. Most of te time it's mutual masterbating or I dildo myself for him or he dildos me. And I would offer oral ad tell him I need oral or I want his ass in my face but he won't budge.
    There is a lot more to the relationship but its hard to write it all out. I saw a previous topic that reminded me a lot of our relationship. I'm a good looking Guy and I want to go out and have fun but he just doesn't want too most of te time. And he can't trust me enough to go by myself e wen though I've been completely faithful to him except the one time when we broke up. I can't stand our day to day life anymore but I have a house and a car with him as don't know what to do. So should I try and work on him and possibly be happy for my life or start over with someone new. Because this can't be what a relationship is about. I feel like I walk into an interigation everyday when I really don't deserve it. I trust him after all he's done to me by I can't get the same respect for my mistakes.
    And when we talk about breaking up he has this idea of working out and Makig me really jealous of him am his new body or whatever. It's like he fantasizes about leaving me too but he won't. I've tried leaving over all these reasons before jut came back and were in the same rut again. What should I do?
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    Feb 27, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    Seems like you already know what you want / need to do.
    Never mind the joint ownership of "things", it's a poor excuse for continuing in a toxic relationship.

    You both sound absolutely miserable being in this relationship, it appears rather codependent and resembles nothing close to love.....
    I would suggest couple counseling but it sounds as though the willingness to work on this relationship has diminished for both parties...somethings cannot be repaired...and that's ok.

    You are both denying yourself true love and joy, it may never be yours if you do not face your fears, respect yourself/ each other, and follow your heart.

    That may have sounded harsh coming from a stranger who doesn't fully understand all aspects of your current situation, I'm only going on your own words and speaking from my own personal experiences.
    All the best to you, whatever you decide.
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    Feb 27, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    No don't worry I appreciate it. But he says he's so in love with me and its so hard to leave him. I feel like I'm his one and only. But then again I'm provin my point. He's controlling and wants me all for himself and I can't do it. But how do you go about breaking up I guess would be my question.
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    Feb 27, 2013 7:56 PM GMT
    And I guess I feel bad about the things because I go threw with them when I know our relationship isn't going to last and he uses it against me. Also our dog. He doesn't have friends his family is very broken and I feel obligated I guess but he's my bestfriend and I do love spending time with him. As log as that time isn't taking about me being a "whore" or talking about how my family fucked up with our relationship and yada yada. And it just seems like he's lost interest in me anymore. No card on valentines, ill rub his back almost every night and I don't get one at all maybe like once a month while we go to his parents house and he gives them back rubs idk there's a lot of things that annoy us.
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    Feb 27, 2013 8:17 PM GMT
    Well, here's where you have to be really strong....

    First, I would suggest you do some reading up on "codependency", (there's some good sources available online). I'm guessing you'll recognize many signs of this in him, and yourself.

    I've been through a couple of relationships like yours you've described, it aint a picnic......the break-up stage was challenging to say the least.
    Judging from his past behavior, you're in for some drama....
    Stay true to yourself, and don't be swayed by his reaction or tactics he may try to pull on you......you've dealt with it all before right?icon_wink.gif

    It would be of great benefit if you could seek some sort of counseling, before and especially after this relationship ends. I know it helped me, I'm no longer repeating old behaviors and patterns.

    Feel free to keep in touch. Hope all goes well.
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Mar 02, 2013 1:26 AM GMT
    get rid of himmm! you know its the right thing to do, doesnt sound like you're happy with him ever!
    If you feel guilty about leaving him cus he has no friends n family to stay with maybe you could give him the option to be room mates for the time being, you say you rarely have sex anyway so might as well just be mates living together, course if he cant handle that or turns into a nightmare-housemate you can always move out n let him get on with his crap
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    Coguy20, it sounds like you're really not that crazy about him.
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    Mar 02, 2013 6:18 AM GMT
    lagwm saidCoguy20, it sounds like you're really not that crazy about him.


    Exactly. What are the things you love about him (nothing much as far as I can tell from what you shared), and are they enough to make working through your issues worth the trouble?

    Assuming the answer is no, start budgeting to allow yourself a clean break. You may have to buy out from him your interests in your joint properties, which I trust you have legally enforceable docs for. Cut out the romance and the cutesy convo immediately, and make all discussions strictly business.
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    Mar 02, 2013 6:38 AM GMT
    The way you make it sound, it seems you already have given up without even really trying. If you say you are a good looking guy, and he has self confidence issues that's already a big obstacle for him. Help him get into better shape, nurturer his feelings, find that special something that made you fall in love with him in the first place, it's still there you just have to dig deeper then you had to before. Also, it seems that the only thing that is hold this relationship together is your history, and a mirage of a love for each other, your car, and other necessities you got together.
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    Mar 02, 2013 6:57 AM GMT
    When two people are together, they create a shared space between them. This space has a unique dynamic that belongs to those two people.

    The shared space between this guy and you isn't serving either of you. Just for starters, his self confidence is limited by your sexual confidence, and your desire to move on is limited by his threats to get in shape and be better than he is now.

    No one is to blame. It is just the reality of the Now. Sometimes we date people, learn a lot about ourselves, and then realize that it's time to move on to different people and different things.

    Clarify what you really really want in life. Then tell him what you really really want in life. If he loves you, he will support that, even if you decide that you want to be single. If you do become single, it's important to realize that the space between the two of you (the space that I first mentioned) needs to dissappear as well. this means no contact for a while. True independence. True change. Don't keep each other holding on with a false illusion of friendship. That might come, but only after you each have your moment of change.
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    Mar 02, 2013 7:03 AM GMT
    Sounds like it's time to break up and work on your writing skills.
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    Mar 02, 2013 7:34 AM GMT
    I think you need to figure out how you feel about him, and do that rather quickly. Like many of the posts say above, it doesn't sound like you are all that interested in him. In addition (being completely honest), it does not sound like you are too great for him either. There's obviously a huge amount of tension from both partners here.

    Considering you and him share a house and car, I am assuming that you two spend a lot of time together and not enough time away from each other. Maybe you should plan a weekend trip somewhere, or stay with a friend for a weekend to try and clear your mind and think this relationship through.
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    Mar 02, 2013 12:15 PM GMT
    lagwm saidCoguy20, it sounds like you're really not that crazy about him.


    Agreed! If he was crazy about him, he wouldn't have cheated on his bf when he went to Denver.