Need Help Accepting Myself

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 1:08 AM GMT
    well heres my story im 35 masc gay guy...there i said it took me a long time too. As a kid i always felt like i had to force myself to get interested in women. i was good at it for a while but i never dated , when i asked girls out it was always a disaster, so. never dated. I always had thoughts about other guys but repressed them as much as i could. i still got sexually excited over women but over time it faded. About three yrs ago i started becoming interested in gay porn...i loved it. this past yr i started putting profiles on gay dating sites not sure why but there was just a drive to do it. Anway i met a buddy and hooked up with him. I really enjoyed it i enjoyed kissing him etc. Despite the fact that i like guys its harder to accept it from myself. Its almost like overtime the word gay brought up neg ( stereotypical) images and cant stop that association. Im never gonna be out and proud because ITS REALLY NOBODYS BUSINESS . However I need to be able to like myself and know that I can be a masc man and still prefer guys. Thats one of the reasons why im on this website. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 28, 2013 4:58 AM GMT
    mikey78 saidwell heres my story im 35 masc gay guy...However I need to be able to like myself and know that I can be a masc man and still prefer guys. Thats one of the reasons why im on this website. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


    read a bunch of judith butler so that you learn masculinity is arbitrary and a worthless way to define yourself. if you want to like yourself, like yourself for who you are, not the label you want yourself to be.
  • Eccomi09

    Posts: 203

    Feb 28, 2013 5:29 AM GMT
    mikey78 saidwell heres my story im 35 masc gay guy...there i said it took me a long time too. As a kid i always felt like i had to force myself to get interested in women. i was good at it for a while but i never dated , when i asked girls out it was always a disaster, so. never dated. I always had thoughts about other guys but repressed them as much as i could. i still got sexually excited over women but over time it faded. About three yrs ago i started becoming interested in gay porn...i loved it. this past yr i started putting profiles on gay dating sites not sure why but there was just a drive to do it. Anway i met a buddy and hooked up with him. I really enjoyed it i enjoyed kissing him etc. Despite the fact that i like guys its harder to accept it from myself. Its almost like overtime the word gay brought up neg ( stereotypical) images and cant stop that association. Im never gonna be out and proud because ITS REALLY NOBODYS BUSINESS . However I need to be able to like myself and know that I can be a masc man and still prefer guys. Thats one of the reasons why im on this website. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


    Why are you equating masculinity with enjoying the male body sexually? That's like accusing the Spring for being Winter because you had a few cold days in April...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 5:44 AM GMT


    Mikey, a great day comes when you suddenly see that any kind of man should be able to like himself and know that he can be proud to love guys.


    " However I need to be able to like myself and know that I can be a masc man and still prefer guys."

    Why can't you like yourself? You're probably perfectly fine, lol. There's no rule that masc identifying guys aren't supposed to prefer guys.
    I always stall at the word prefer, because it isn't, or you wouldn't be posting here, eh?
    How YOU are should change any stereotypical perception of being gay you have as you are part of it. And, best part, you're not alone by a long shot.

    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 5:46 AM GMT
    I was kind of in the same boat, but I quickly realized and learned.

    I repressed my attraction towards men because I had this assumption that you have to be feminine to be gay. I did not know masculine guys like myself existed until I discovered the whole online thing. My view on gays or being gay changed.

    The best advice I've gotten from openly gay men about coming out is to "Only do it when you're ready and comfortable. Don't let others peer pressure you."

    Alot of the guys here will attack you personally and bash you because of the choices you made but they just don't understand because they were never in that situation.

    Goodluck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    You are in the company of a lot of guys that feel the same way.
    It may take a while. You don't have to come out and you don't have to like the gay lifestyle to accept yourself and be a good person that likes himself. On the extreme, I went out with a guy that all his life didn't even have an attraction to guys but in later life found guys to be better at sex. I warned him though in his situation, he might want to think about dating women though thinking about him being single as a gay man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 6:04 AM GMT
    I've been trough the same thing for 22 years, never dated a woman nor a guy,, not a macho guy tough but I don't want the whole world to know it. But if some knew it would be easier, am I right?
    maybe that's why sometimes I feel sad or pathetic, as I was a fake and bad person, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I'm a fucking human being and have feelings,, I understand you, so I send you a big hug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 6:13 AM GMT
    Yup, I went through the same phase too before coming out late in life as well. At some point, you'll need to understand the difference between being the most masculine you can be and being the most true to yourself. Just try not to take too long figuring that part out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 6:27 AM GMT
    Only a man knows what a man likes. You already know from this site alone that many guys don't fit the stereotype. That has to be comforting.

    I'll wrestle ya and have a beer. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 12:07 PM GMT
    thanks everybody for your help , very useful. Just like any other website there are people who look through posts just so they can be rude but i find it very ironic that the ones who do dont have pics. Happy to be here though and great to hear that many guys feel the same thanks for your help.
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Feb 28, 2013 2:02 PM GMT
    Part of accepting yourself involves challenging yourself. You can't get to self-acceptance without it. So please keep an open mind to what I'm about to say:

    At this particular stage in your particular life, being "out and proud" may not be a move that's right for you. I don't know, since I don't know you. But rather than make a vow never to be out and proud, regardless of how circumstances, including your own feelings, change, doesn't seem all that productive.

    You might want to ask some out and proud gay guys whether the reason they're out and proud is really that they believe it's other people's business. The out and proud guys I know don't give a damn what other people think, which is why they're comfortable being out and proud.

    Look at it this way: How many straight men do you think are going through life making sure nobody knows they're straight because it's nobody's business? They might feel the need to be discreet about particular aspects of their sexuality -- i.e., they like doing certain things in bed that only their actual or potential bed partners need to know about -- but they're not going through life either lying about being straight or always using gender-neutral pronouns or making a point of never being seen in a datelike setting with a woman because their heterosexuality is "nobody's business."

    Another thought: the more different kinds of gay guys come out, the more straight people it educates and, even more importantly, the easier it is for younger gay guys going through a similar kind of struggle to see that they're not alone. By deciding you'll never be out and proud, yeah, you might think you're protecting your "business" from hostile straight people or gay guys you don't relate to. But you may also be depriving a young gay guy -- one who really does have a lot in common with you -- of a role model, or at least someone who could let him know he's not as alone in the world as he thinks he is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 2:27 PM GMT
    Ran into this myself it takes time to get past that because of the way society has taught us that being gay is wrong, or it would make you a social outcast, feminine and all those negative stereotypes that come with the territory. I agree with the nobody's business but to say you won't be out ever is a stretch. Eventually you just get to the point where you think hey this is me accept me or not. You can still be a man and like men. Also society puts too much emphasis on having to come out. I'm sorry but I am not going to sit every person down and explain to them I'm gay, if I was sleeping or dating girls it would not be necessary so why is it if I do the opposite? Do what makes you happy, don't let yourself be defined by what society dictates you should be or how you should do things. As long as you are happy, those who care will be happy too and show the world that being gay isn't what they think it is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 2:43 PM GMT
    You just need to find gay friends, sir, or people that are accepting of your sexuality (they don't have to guys). Of course it's not anyone's business to know you're gay, but if you just keep all of your feelings and what-not to yourself, then you'll feel trapped and alone. You need people to pour your feelings out to. Then, you'll slowly find that "Hmm, it's OK to be me and I'm starting to like it" feeling.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 3:12 PM GMT
    mikey78 saidHowever I need to be able to like myself and know that I can be a masc man and still prefer guys. Thats one of the reasons why im on this website. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    It was the realization that "masculine guys" can be gay that destroyed my denial mechanism about myself, my delusion that I was straight. I had done every masculine-guy kind of thing (Army career, motorcycling, outdoor living & hunting, you name it, except for team sports), and that made me believe I was straight, despite my strong attraction for men, and my marginal interest in women. But hey, can't be gay if I act like a butch man, no limp wristing, no lisping and faggy voice, right?

    I was held hostage by the stereotypical image that dominated in my day, of what a gay man was. Not fitting that image, I incorrectly concluded I therefore couldn't be gay. It sounds like you might be in a similar predicament.

    Gay men can be masculine, and some are feminine. In fact, my observation is that the majority are masculine, and very few truly feminine. But that's OK, too, act as fem as you want, I'll still respect you for being my brother.

    I'll also tell you, as a career US Army Officer who knows a little something about the business of bravery, that even the most feminine of gay men are actually pretty damn tough when pressed. I've said here before that I'd rather have a gay man at my side in a crisis than most straight men. Again, forget the stereotypes, gay men are stronger than you might guess, not wimpy pansies at all in an emergency. I've seen it for myself, and I'm a guy who would know.

    When I came out I faced the problem that most of society said being gay was a sick perversion, a disorder, an abnormality needing correction, often dismissed as laughable. For about 2 hours that bothered me.

    But then I turned the argument around. I know I'm a good & decent person. I was before coming out, and I was afterwards, the same person. Therefore, if I am gay, then being gay can't be evil, because I'm not evil, and it was the homophobes who've got it wrong. It was as simple as that. My self-confidence is that strong, and I hope yours is, too.

    So I ask you - are you evil and bad? If you're not, then neither can being gay, a natural state that is not your choice. Don't listen to doctrinal dickheads who preach from an ancient book of dubious provenance that has no validity in the year 2013. You remain the good person you always were. Do you see where I'm going with this?

    If you don't buy into the stereotypical images of WHO is gay, then likewise don't buy into the stereotypical images of WHAT is gay. I think that will solve your predicament.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    I've never felt more masculine than when I'm with a man. I've been in relationships with women and always felt emasculated, if you know what I mean. It seemed like I had to tone down my masculinity to make the relationships work. Looking back on it and the other relationships my straight friends have with their wives and girlfriends and they all seems so downtrodden and pussy whipped. They seem to subjugate their masculinity to keep peace in the relationship.

    Although, I never saw my father as emasculated because both he and my mom had such a strong alpha type personalities it was like being raised by two men. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 3:46 PM GMT
    Welcome to accepting that you are gay.
    - Being gay has nothing to do with being masc or fem (discussions on the topic on this site could fill libraries)
    - Being a top or a bottom also has nothing to do with being masc or fem
    - You are attracted to the type of guy you are attracted to, there is no accounting for taste, and discussions on that topic could fill even more libraries, so nobody has the final answer on that one. But there is also being polite to the guys you are not attracted to and accepting them for who they are. Don't entertain opinions that one gay is better than the other.
    - you don't have to dive head first into the "gay life style" (whatever that is, more libraries). You don't have to become a slut, take drugs, have sex in public bathrooms, love Madonna, Lady Gaga etc. just because you are gay.
    - coming out to others should only happen when you are comfortable with it.

    Enjoy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 3:56 PM GMT
    You're not alone, many of us have been there. Hang in there, take each day as it comes. Many of us are always available to chat with, bitch and rant with or just converse with. Glad you joined RJ, it's a GREAT support system.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
    ― Gautama Buddha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    Onigumo saidRan into this myself it takes time to get past that because of the way society has taught us that being gay is wrong, or it would make you a social outcast, feminine and all those negative stereotypes that come with the territory. I agree with the nobody's business but to say you won't be out ever is a stretch. Eventually you just get to the point where you think hey this is me accept me or not. You can still be a man and like men. Also society puts too much emphasis on having to come out. I'm sorry but I am not going to sit every person down and explain to them I'm gay, if I was sleeping or dating girls it would not be necessary so why is it if I do the opposite? Do what makes you happy, don't let yourself be defined by what society dictates you should be or how you should do things. As long as you are happy, those who care will be happy too and show the world that being gay isn't what they think it is.


    I don't think society at large teaches us that gay is wrong (although some of her more intolerant members do) so much as we don't see enough role models when we are growing up except for the stereotypical gay that many of us cannot relate to, but society at large can accept because it reinforces it's prejudice that "real" men aren't gay - just the effeminate, pansy ones (pansy isn't my word but Archie Bunker's and is used here to illustrate societies bigotry).

    This is why if feel it is important for gays to accept themselves and "come out." I don't mean come out as in your face to everyone you meet, but out in that you don't deny or hide it. This, for me, means you say boyfriend, husband, or partner when discussing the man that is in your life with other people (coworkers, social club members, friends at church) - not the neutral term friend. It means being seen with that person and not acting any different with them no matter who is present.

    I do this and more when I am with my husband. We hold hands in public, we kiss (not make out) in public, we stand just a little to close (as the song goes), yes, we give them something to talk about, because I want the kid who may be struggling with his sexuality to see that gay people come in all varieties just like straights do. One day we will get to point where whether or not you are straight or gay is no more an issue than your eye or hair color, but we are not going to get there anytime soon if we continue to hide, because BY HIDING YOU ARE REINFORCING SOCIETY'S NOTION THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS SOMETHING SHAMEFUL.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 28, 2013 5:15 PM GMT
    I think the best way to get comfortable with your situation is to accept that you matter ZERO in the scheme of things. I don't mean that is a bad way, but in the sense that we are all self contained little islands interacting with other humans, animals and nature. How you are is as close to irrelevant in the order of the universe as the presence of a gnat circling a light bulb. The only thing that matters is can you be happy in the presence of someone else who feels the same way about you. How you are perceived by all others is meaningless. They have lives that do not revolve around you though they may know you and you them. They may even be important in some way but ultimately the decisions you make about living your life will not effect them to any noticeable degree. Live being honest and true to yourself and love someone with everything you've got to give. All the shame, questions, rules, definitions are social constructs placed there by people wanting power over you to further their goals. Not help you. Give up all that and be authentic. That's the only way to be free.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 28, 2013 5:18 PM GMT
    Welcome to the fray, OP.

    Hoping all of this stuff will give you some food for thought.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2013 5:40 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said...we are all self contained little islands interacting with other humans, animals and nature.


    And another view:

    No Man Is An Island

    No man is an island,
    Entire of itself.
    Each is a piece of the continent,
    A part of the main.
    If a clod be washed away by the sea,
    Europe is the less.
    As well as if a promontory were.
    As well as if a manor of thine own
    Or of thine friend's were.
    Each man's death diminishes me,
    For I am involved in mankind.
    Therefore, send not to know
    For whom the bell tolls,
    It tolls for thee.


    John Donne

    By not accepting our selves and living authentic lives we are doing a disservice to our fellow gay brothers struggling with their sexuality and those yet born. We have an obligation to make the world a better place for them. No man is an island and yes we are our brother's keeper

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 03, 2013 3:57 AM GMT
    Straight men are masculine to take their Business out to dinner, on vacations, to church, to family on major holidays. They go to jewelry stores. They get their friends and family to go to wedding rehearsals. They get their friends and family to give them money and gifts for their "BUSINESS." Their sexuality is EVERYONE'S BUSINESS. After you do this with your indiscreet relationship, then you are as masculine as husbands and fathers.

    To accept yourself more, get a good book on Homosexuality in History.

    GLBT probably should be changed to HBT: Homosexual Bisexual and Trangender. A historical survey of homosexuality would not stamp our population as gay.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 03, 2013 4:12 AM GMT
    The most masculine thing you could do is to not live fearfully or apologetically about liking dick. Your life, your body, your happiness. It doesn't mean you're not a man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 03, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    mikey78 said.....However I need to be able to like myself and know that I can be a masc man and still prefer guys. Thats one of the reasons why im on this website. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


    1st accept yourself for who you are...then it will be automatically followed by liking/loving yourself....
    Just like heavy rains are followed by floods which no one can stop them...accepting yourself will be followed by loving yourself even if you don't want to... ;)

    Everyone is masculine in their own way...So, you no need to stress yourself on that!