secret friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 9:12 AM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We split up around New Years but got back together recently. During the separation, he made friends with a guy that he met on a popular hook up site. I want to know who he is, mostly out of curiosity, but I don't want to come across as insecure or prodding. Is it possessive of me to have this strong desire to know who he is so I can feel like we don't have secret friends? If not, how should I go about this?

    Thanks guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 10:29 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidMmmmmfff.

    *I* will be your secret friend, fuckable dude. OMG, yes...that scruff, that cut....that gorgeous 'real dude' sexiness....for sure, man. Let's get your guy good an jelly....tell me what you want me to say. Give me an email address to accidentally profess my undying love for you to. I'm ready....hit me up. icon_redface.gificon_razz.gificon_twisted.gif


    Hey man, quick question. What is your drug of choice?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 11:25 AM GMT
    onlycastlesburn saidMy boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We split up around New Years but got back together recently. During the separation, he made friends with a guy that he met on a popular hook up site. I want to know who he is, mostly out of curiosity, but I don't want to come across as insecure or prodding. Is it possessive of me to have this strong desire to know who he is so I can feel like we don't have secret friends? If not, how should I go about this?

    Thanks guys.


    If you can't ask the questions you need to ask, and he can't communicate answers that you seek, then it's not all that healthy in my opinion for either of you. So, perhaps use this as a test in your relationship?

    YOU: "Hey babe, I was just curious about this guy that you're chatting with, who he is, how you know him, etc. Not jealous, just curious."

    HIM: "Sure... he's blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Does that help? Are you OK with our friendship?"

    YOU: "Sure. Thanks for listening!"

    OR THIS RED FLAG SCENARIO...

    YOU: "Hey babe, I was just curious about this guy that you're chatting with, who he is, how you know him, etc. Not jealous, just curious."

    HIM: "Ugh are you kidding me? He's just a friend, alright! I don't have to explain myself! Stop prying into my life!"

    YOU: "OK. This is over."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 11:47 AM GMT
    Best way to approach this matter is to go directly to your bf, don't ever share these things outside a relationship. A simple, sit and talk, would do you good. If you have any concerns, or, curiosity about things your bf is doing just talk to him and sort it out. That kind of attention would make your bf think that you really care about the whole relationship.

    To keep things private, just cause a lot of gay men would either sabotage a beautiful healthy relationship with poisoning you with shit just cause they can do so... Others, would want actually to help you. Either case, always, keep things between you and your bf.

    - abba
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 01, 2013 1:30 PM GMT
    have you tried being honest?

    "hey babe, can we talk about mr. x. i know it's totally cool that you met him while we were separated, but because you met him on manwhore.org and you don't really bring him around, it's rubbing me the wrong way. it's probably just insecurity, but i think part of the problem is that i've just never met him. is there a reason we can't all hang out? i don't want you to stop being friends with him at all. it would just make me feel better if i knew him too. i know this is probably crazy, but i love and i get jealous and think stupid things because you mean a lot to me."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    You'd accomplish nothing, except hurt your own feelings, by finding out things about your bf's past hook-up. He met the guy while you were on break from each other, and he's now back with you--let it go and enjoy your time with him. Life is too short to worry about things that don't really matter in the long run.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    You're not just curious. You're, more likely, a teensy bit jealous and insecure. Ask yourself, are you interested in "other" friends he might have, that you don't know about? Are you curious about those "friends"? Is it because he met this particular guy off of a popular hookup site during the separation? First, own it, if it is true of yourself.

    Second, the more important point is, HE IS WITH YOU NOW. You're back together. So TRUST him. Let him have his friends. You cannot start the relationship anew if you don't trust first. Don't nurture even one measure of insecurity you might have. It will only grow. Focus on what is true, you love each other — you two together. That's all you need to know. That's all you want to know, remind yourself that. Meet his needs, make him a raving fan of you (as Tony Robbins says)... and he won't go anywhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    onlycastlesburn saidMy boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We split up around New Years but got back together recently. During the separation, he made friends with a guy that he met on a popular hook up site. I want to know who he is, mostly out of curiosity, but I don't want to come across as insecure or prodding. Is it possessive of me to have this strong desire to know who he is so I can feel like we don't have secret friends? If not, how should I go about this?

    Thanks guys.


    You aren't wrong for wanting to know, but I think this desire is driven by insecurity about your relationship. Sometimes guys make friends with other guys after meeting on hookup sites--and no it's not always about sex. I met one my best friends on Scruff about a year ago during a period where my partner and I split up. We hang out all of the time, work out together, text each other every day, but never have sex. This may be similar.

    You have the right to want to meet him, but you shouldn't nag him about it. That will only push him away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 3:30 PM GMT
    calibro saidhave you tried being honest?

    "hey babe, can we talk about mr. x. i know it's totally cool that you met him while we were separated, but because you met him on manwhore.org and you don't really bring him around, it's rubbing me the wrong way. it's probably just insecurity, but i think part of the problem is that i've just never met him. is there a reason we can't all hang out? i don't want you to stop being friends with him at all. it would just make me feel better if i knew him too. i know this is probably crazy, but i love and i get jealous and think stupid things because you mean a lot to me."


    Wait, .org can be used for hook up sites now?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 6:02 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidYou'd accomplish nothing, except hurt your own feelings, by finding out things about your bf's past hook-up. He met the guy while you were on break from each other, and he's now back with you--let it go and enjoy your time with him. Life is too short to worry about things that don't really matter in the long run.


    I agree with this, maybe they hooked up, I don't know. But they are still friends, and he gets really defensive every time I bring it up. I asked what his name was and he rolled his eyes, the told me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 6:03 PM GMT
    onlycastlesburn saidMy boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We split up around New Years but got back together recently. During the separation, he made friends with a guy that he met on a popular hook up site. I want to know who he is, mostly out of curiosity, but I don't want to come across as insecure or prodding. Is it possessive of me to have this strong desire to know who he is so I can feel like we don't have secret friends? If not, how should I go about this?

    Thanks guys.


    ask HIM what you are asking us -- best way to go!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 6:04 PM GMT
    Shawnathan said
    calibro saidhave you tried being honest?

    "hey babe, can we talk about mr. x. i know it's totally cool that you met him while we were separated, but because you met him on manwhore.org and you don't really bring him around, it's rubbing me the wrong way. it's probably just insecurity, but i think part of the problem is that i've just never met him. is there a reason we can't all hang out? i don't want you to stop being friends with him at all. it would just make me feel better if i knew him too. i know this is probably crazy, but i love and i get jealous and think stupid things because you mean a lot to me."

    Every time Calibro gives sincere advice, an angel gets his first angelic orgasm.

    This, but without pics, angelic orgasms do not happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 6:05 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice, this definitely helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 6:57 PM GMT

    To be honest I don't like all this secret friends thingy, I don't like to be played around like toys with many hands...icon_confused.gif eww * I need lots of sanitizer now. I would prefer my boyfriend to be honest and be very Open like every open window of a haunted house let every dark corner be brighten up! from the gaze of high heavens. icon_biggrin.gif

    That said It's okay to share the same secret friend with your partner VS other couples, play teams Iike team VS team I think thats cool. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 7:51 PM GMT
    Sit him down and be like "wtf dude what's up?" I don't like the idea of secrets. Lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 8:57 PM GMT
    onlycastlesburn said
    DOMINUS saidYou'd accomplish nothing, except hurt your own feelings, by finding out things about your bf's past hook-up. He met the guy while you were on break from each other, and he's now back with you--let it go and enjoy your time with him. Life is too short to worry about things that don't really matter in the long run.


    I agree with this, maybe they hooked up, I don't know. But they are still friends, and he gets really defensive every time I bring it up. I asked what his name was and he rolled his eyes, the told me.


    RED FLAG. Did he do this the first time you brought it up? How did you bring it up the first time? How many times have you brought it up since?

    If you were calm, cool, and collecte the first time you mentioned it, and he immediately got defensive, something isn't right...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 9:17 PM GMT
    All of these threads like this that ask "should/ask I tell my bf blah blah blah" have the same answer... yes. If you can't talk to your boyfriend about anything, you're going to have serious problems maintaining your relationship. Complete honesty and communication is always, in every circumstance, better than keeping it in. Even if you're thinking you might not love him anymore, or it's something that will make you look insecure. He's going to know if you're insecure eventually, and if it's in the open you don't have to go around wondering what your partner thinks about you. And if it's something that hurts the relationship, it's better than lying to yourself about the strength of a partnership based on lies and secrets.

    The things you think you should not talk about are actually the things you should absolutely be talking about.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 9:48 PM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    onlycastlesburn said
    DOMINUS saidYou'd accomplish nothing, except hurt your own feelings, by finding out things about your bf's past hook-up. He met the guy while you were on break from each other, and he's now back with you--let it go and enjoy your time with him. Life is too short to worry about things that don't really matter in the long run.


    I agree with this, maybe they hooked up, I don't know. But they are still friends, and he gets really defensive every time I bring it up. I asked what his name was and he rolled his eyes, the told me.


    RED FLAG. Did he do this the first time you brought it up? How did you bring it up the first time? How many times have you brought it up since?

    If you were calm, cool, and collecte the first time you mentioned it, and he immediately got defensive, something isn't right...

    I agree! Guys need to be able to communicate about the good, the bad and the ugly guy down the hall! If he can't sit down with you and have a legitimate conversation about who this 'new friend' is without rolling his eyes, then you do have an issue. The first issue is that the two of you are not communicating and THAT will lead you down a very tough road. Openness, honesty and non-judgmental....talk folks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 01, 2013 10:17 PM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidAll of these threads like this that ask "should/ask I tell my bf blah blah blah" have the same answer... yes. If you can't talk to your boyfriend about anything, you're going to have serious problems maintaining your relationship. Complete honesty and communication is always, in every circumstance, better than keeping it in. Even if you're thinking you might not love him anymore, or it's something that will make you look insecure. He's going to know if you're insecure eventually, and if it's in the open you don't have to go around wondering what your partner thinks about you. And if it's something that hurts the relationship, it's better than lying to yourself about the strength of a partnership based on lies and secrets.

    The things you think you should not talk about are actually the things you should absolutely be talking about.


    Listen to wiseman Skittles. He has hit the nail on the head.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 01, 2013 10:40 PM GMT
    Shawnathan said
    calibro saidhave you tried being honest?

    "hey babe, can we talk about mr. x. i know it's totally cool that you met him while we were separated, but because you met him on manwhore.org and you don't really bring him around, it's rubbing me the wrong way. it's probably just insecurity, but i think part of the problem is that i've just never met him. is there a reason we can't all hang out? i don't want you to stop being friends with him at all. it would just make me feel better if i knew him too. i know this is probably crazy, but i love and i get jealous and think stupid things because you mean a lot to me."

    Every time Calibro gives sincere advice, an angel gets his first angelic orgasm.


    i have no idea what you're talking about. everything i say is sincere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    What you need is a wig and fake glasses. It wouldnt hurt to borrow someone's clothes too. Then follow your boyfriend around to find out who his secret friend is, you know, since you just want to know out of curiosity.

    Now if you're worried that your boyfriend's secret friend is really a fb or fwb, and they're not just "hanging out" there is an issue.

    Nevermind. Forget all this. Having secret friends you met on a hookup site and not being able to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns all sound quite healthy.
    Please invite me to your golden anniversary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2013 1:23 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidAll of these threads like this that ask "should/ask I tell my bf blah blah blah" have the same answer... yes. If you can't talk to your boyfriend about anything, you're going to have serious problems maintaining your relationship. Complete honesty and communication is always, in every circumstance, better than keeping it in. Even if you're thinking you might not love him anymore, or it's something that will make you look insecure. He's going to know if you're insecure eventually, and if it's in the open you don't have to go around wondering what your partner thinks about you. And if it's something that hurts the relationship, it's better than lying to yourself about the strength of a partnership based on lies and secrets.

    The things you think you should not talk about are actually the things you should absolutely be talking about.

    THIS
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2013 5:45 AM GMT
    bri_66 said
    SkittleGangsta saidAll of these threads like this that ask "should/ask I tell my bf blah blah blah" have the same answer... yes. If you can't talk to your boyfriend about anything, you're going to have serious problems maintaining your relationship. Complete honesty and communication is always, in every circumstance, better than keeping it in. Even if you're thinking you might not love him anymore, or it's something that will make you look insecure. He's going to know if you're insecure eventually, and if it's in the open you don't have to go around wondering what your partner thinks about you. And if it's something that hurts the relationship, it's better than lying to yourself about the strength of a partnership based on lies and secrets.

    The things you think you should not talk about are actually the things you should absolutely be talking about.

    THIS


    ^^^ Seconded, from painful experiences to boot. Just talk. His eye-roll = disrespect.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Mar 03, 2013 10:51 PM GMT
    "honey, if we had a threesome, who would you like to invite? is he a top or bottom? is he any good?"


    pause in between.

  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Mar 04, 2013 12:29 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidAll of these threads like this that ask "should/ask I tell my bf blah blah blah" have the same answer... yes. If you can't talk to your boyfriend about anything, you're going to have serious problems maintaining your relationship. Complete honesty and communication is always, in every circumstance, better than keeping it in. Even if you're thinking you might not love him anymore, or it's something that will make you look insecure. He's going to know if you're insecure eventually, and if it's in the open you don't have to go around wondering what your partner thinks about you. And if it's something that hurts the relationship, it's better than lying to yourself about the strength of a partnership based on lies and secrets.

    The things you think you should not talk about are actually the things you should absolutely be talking about.


    I'm going to disagree a little bit with everyone else and say "not this"....well almost "this", but not quite.

    We shouldnt blurt out every half-baked thing that comes into our brain to our partner for the sake of honesty. Before you have an honest discussion with your partner you need to have an honest discussion with yourself, figure out what exactly you want, how to express it, what you are willing to compromise on and what your bottom lines are. I believe when guys write these kinds of threads they are really at this first stage. They are using the forum to sort their own thoughts out in an environment that will not needlessly damage their relationship.