When you tell people you're gay and they respond that they "had no idea" OR that they "knew all along?, how do you feel?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2013 5:59 PM GMT
    If they had no idea do you feel a little proud of yourself for being able to fool them? Do you feel like you've avoided being "non-stereotypical"? Do you feel like you feel like you're really good at lying or that you really betrayed people?

    If they knew all along, is it a blow to your ego? Do you feel embarrassed - like you were just fooling yourself the whole time? Are you relieved that you didn't betray people or lead people to far into the lie? Do you try to find out how they knew?

    In either case, do you become more or less self-conscious about your behavior?
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    Mar 03, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    I haven't actually told a straight person I'm Gay, so I can't honestly answer the question for myself. However, I think a person's reactions to how they're perceived by others depends largely on their self esteem and self worth. And if you have a negative view of what Gay people are and what they represent, chances are, you won't be too pleased if someone isn't surprised by your revelation of being gay.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 03, 2013 6:32 PM GMT
    When my new manager asked me (what I personally thought was an inappropriate question) if I was married or had a girlfriend, I responded with,"No I'm not married, and I'm gay, so no girlfriend, and no boyfriend either by the way" ... I felt a little defiant. What I was really thinking was 'what,are you a dumb ass, didn't you read my file?' Because you know all the managers put all that shit in your personell file.
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    Mar 03, 2013 6:39 PM GMT
    Last time I told someone was in a gay cafe & bar. She was a sales representative who had appointments in our neighborhood, and came in for lunch, taking the bar stool next to me.

    She introduced herself and asked if I knew the several places she needed to visit. I told her I did, and gave her directions, all close by, adding the names of owners and managers I knew, and any background info that might help her.

    Then she asked me if it was true that Wilton Manors is a mostly gay community. Yes, I answered. And so was this a gay bar? Yes, I replied again.

    You mean those guys across the bar are gay, she asked? (The bar's an L-shaped island with stools all around) Yes, they all are. How do you know, she persisted?

    Because I know them personally, by name, and the bartender's gay, too, and all the wait staff I see on duty at the moment. In fact, I'm gay, as well.

    She acted surprised, said I didn't act or sound gay. I just smiled and told her not to rely on movie & TV stereotypes. That most gay men are outwardly the same as straight men.

    We then talked for a while about these stereotypes, explaining to her why they were incorrect. We parted on friendly terms when we both finished about the same time, but I don't know if I succeeded in educating or convincing her. I hope I did, and felt good about having the opportunity to address it when asked.
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    Mar 03, 2013 6:46 PM GMT
    A lot of the time people don't believe me, they think I am lying or taking the p*ss. My old housemate's parents thought that I was straight and up to something icon_lol.gif

    I don't really know why people don't believe me, maybe I come across as the dreaded word "straight-acting".
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:38 PM GMT
    If you're proud of the fact you went undetected or are such a down to earth, chill, masc bro that everyone thought you were straight, then the problem lies with you having issues with homosexuality and believing masc > fem.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    No
    No
    Its not a lie if its just the way I am. Its not my fault other people are ignorant and follow what mainstream media defines gay people
    No
    No
    What lie?
    No
    No, I do what I normally do and thats it.They can take it or leave it.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:53 PM GMT
    I tell people well...based on the fact that they should know..mainly because i am close to these people..

    ...How they react is not too much of a concern..
    ..I mean if i tell you i'm a homo and you tell me to go to hell..well we shouldn't be friends in the first place...

    ..Now regarding family..they'll either accept you or not.. You wanna freak out because i'm a homo??...Well Bitch,!!?? just imagine how i feel??.. icon_evil.gif

    Either way ..life goes on...you live yours..i'll live mine..!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    Different people will see different aspects of you, and have different levels of awareness.

    I was astounded by my previous workplace. The level of "awareness" varied greatly. The whole gamut, from "I had no clue" to "totally obvious"... it depended on the role that they saw me in, and sometimes preconceptions (some people were "how could you not be a father?" that kinda astounded me, frankly).

    Even when I did a name change after marriage (we went for hyphenated surnames), some people STILL didn't clue in. icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:00 PM GMT
    When someone tells me they had no idea, I'm like....


    "Someone thinks I'm super masc?!....bro"
    photo url_zps271b922c.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    When someone tells me they had no idea, I tell them they're just blind and have a totally inoperative gaydar.
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:14 PM GMT
    The fact that they have no idea brings a smile to my face cause i know im helping break the stereotype-thanks realjock.com for helping me say thaticon_cool.gif
  • chris_hasting...

    Posts: 197

    Mar 03, 2013 10:17 PM GMT
    7Famark saidWhen someone tells me they had no idea, I'm like....


    "Someone thinks I'm super masc?!....bro"
    photo url_zps271b922c.gif


    haven't ever told anyone i'm into dudes, but i'm hoping that like 90% are the

    whaaaat? kind of surprised responses........ if someone says they "could tell" i think i'd get annoyed. but only because being femme is.... i mean I'd hate that more than having an amputated foot.
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:19 PM GMT
    chris_hastings1 said
    7Famark saidWhen someone tells me they had no idea, I'm like....


    "Someone thinks I'm super masc?!....bro"
    photo url_zps271b922c.gif


    haven't ever told anyone i'm into dudes, but i'm hoping that like 90% are the

    whaaaat? kind of surprised responses........ if someone says they "could tell" i think i'd get annoyed. but only because being femme is.... i mean I'd hate that more than having an amputated foot.


    1. There's a difference between being overtly feminine, and obviously gay. I'm not overtly feminine - but I tend to wear my sexuality on my sleeve.

    2. That's super dramatic, and points to a great deal of insecurity about your sexuality. If you'd rather loose a foot than have someone think you were gay...yikes.
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    The females are usually HEARTBROKEN!
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    I don't really care. If they didn't know, well now they do. If they did know, they obviously accepted it.

    Only time I care, is when the person says, no or we cant be friends anymore, and then I am depressed I lost a friend, but happy I lost such a inhumane bastard.

    icon_biggrin.gif

    Also at Chris- You do realize that being able to tell if someone is gay has nothing to do with being femme
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Mar 03, 2013 11:24 PM GMT
    When people are like "what, really?!" I'm like:

    tumblr_m6wb69IX871qczxoeo1_500.gif

    I'm both shocked and excited. To me it means "Yay I don't appear stereotypically gay to them!" And also "...they can't tell? I thought I was a dead give away".

    When they are like "Oh, I know" I'm like:

    tumblr_m3b5wi4z971rp1d2io1_500.gif

    I'm somewhat like "meh" and "crap, what effeminite thing did I do that would be unappealing to guys?"


    Really though, I am more shocked when people don't guess.

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    Mar 03, 2013 11:31 PM GMT
    tautomer saidWhen people are like "what, really?!" I'm like:

    I'm both shocked and excited. To me it means "Yay I don't appear stereotypically gay to them!" And also "...they can't tell? I thought I was a dead give away".

    When they are like "Oh, I know" I'm like:

    I'm somewhat like "meh" and "crap, what effeminite thing did I do that would be unappealing to guys?"

    Really though, I am more shocked when people don't guess.




    Lol. I am the same way most of the time. I do like it when they weren't able to guess for some reason.

    I do tend to get, "Yeah I guess I sort of suspected." or from other women I get "Really?! That's why I feel so comfortable around you! *Squeeeee*!"
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    Mar 03, 2013 11:43 PM GMT
    A lot of my friends said they had no idea and some said they had a little feeling. I mean either way it doesn't bother me either way. I mean I like the feeling that I can be that guy to break a stereotype that a lot of people have of gays.
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:04 AM GMT
    One time I wasn't nice about it at all, unlike my story above. While waiting for my partner at a shopping mall bar, a guy struck up a conversation with me, himself waiting for his wife to finish Christmas shopping.

    Everything was fine until some news item came across the bar TV involving gay rights, and he started cussing out gays all over the place. I stayed calm and noncommittal. Obviously the guy didn't suspect that I might be gay myself, maybe because we'd been talking sports and "guy" stuff.

    Not even when my male "friend" joined us did he guess, and then his wife arrived, with introductions all around. My partner already knew the situation because I had tipped him off on the cell phone when he called to confirm I was still there. We stayed long enough for my partner to have a drink, then we started to leave while the straight couple remained.

    My partner left first while I settled the check, and then I turned to the guy, saying loudly enough that other patrons could hear: "Just thought you should know you've been having drinks with two of those gay guys you hate. Now we're going home to the bedroom we share. Have a Merry Christmas!" (Or some words similar, my memory not exact after 10 years)

    I told my partner about it as we got in our car, and we both laughed all the way home. I suppose I may have made a gay enemy worse, but on the other hand I'm not sure he could have been much worse, and tweaking his nose gave me more pleasure. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:07 AM GMT
    Though when I first came out in my early 20s, I'd actually introduce myself to someone new as gay because while I could handle being out, I couldn't handle coming out. I've since learned some subtleties, perhaps too well.

    As I'm widowed twice--not that any str8 person would consider me that (nor probably even many gay people as we are still so fucked up) --and as I think about my dead loves pretty much every day, and as I tend to discuss what I'm thinking, I was a little surprised a while back to learn a neighbor didn't know I was gay, particularly since he was helping me quite a bit around the house. Now I never said outright, I buried the guy I slept with, but at various times I told him I was widowed, that I lost my partners, that I had enjoyed with them 10 year relationships each, that they were men who I refer to as my buds. Was I too nohomo?

    I don't recall exactly how it came about, but when I realized I needed to make perfectly clear my sexual orientation. it made him feel a little embarrassed but the next day he came by and offered condolences for my past losses and I thought that was very sweet. He was embarrassed that he hadn't realized that I was discussing all those times with him such an intimate pain.

    It made me feel a little sad that sometimes when I talk to a str8 person as normally about my life as a str8 person would talk about their life, that they can't always hear what I say.
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:08 AM GMT
    Most tell me they had no idea. What I HATE is "well we all sin" wtf?!
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:13 AM GMT
    Either is fine. I just hate it when they say nothing and make me feel like shit.
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:13 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    It made me feel a little sad that sometimes when I talk to a str8 person as normally about my life as a str8 person would talk about their life, that they can't always hear what I say.

    That's a very interesting observation. My late partner & I were out & "obvious" or at least not concealed, and we also noted how that went right over the heads of some straights in the conservative community where we lived.
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:14 AM GMT
    I feel awkward.