Looking for Break-Up Advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:26 PM GMT
    So my boyfriend and I are splitting. It was my decision mainly because after five years of being together I can honestly see we don't do well in a relationship with each other.

    That being said I still feel immense grief this has to end. Have any of you gone through a break up of a long term relationship and how did you get your life back on track? I want to know how I can get my head game right to come through this a better and happier person.
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:27 PM GMT
    I've never been in a relationship, but like all grief it gets better with time and acceptance.
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:29 PM GMT
    I saw a good therapist.....seriously.
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:30 PM GMT
    GordHunter saidI saw a good therapist.....seriously.


    I might have to. It's weird how much of your lives get really entangled and then you have to pull it all apart.

    icon_cry.gif
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:38 PM GMT
    fotoben said
    GordHunter saidI saw a good therapist.....seriously.


    I might have to. It's weird how much of your lives get really entangled and then you have to pull it all apart.

    icon_cry.gif


    Too true my friend. I was wreck, ( 12 year relationship ) My whole life was turned upside down. Thankfully I did something to recover from the grief and self-pity.I learned major skills as far as not repeating some of the old, destructive patterns and was able to move on without bringing extra baggage into my subsequent relationships. A real life-saver.
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    GordHunter said
    fotoben said
    GordHunter saidI saw a good therapist.....seriously.


    I might have to. It's weird how much of your lives get really entangled and then you have to pull it all apart.

    icon_cry.gif


    Too true my friend. I was wreck, ( 12 year relationship ) My whole life was turned upside down. Thankfully I did something to recover from the grief and self-pity.I learned major skills as far as not repeating some of the old, destructive patterns and was able to move on without bringing extra baggage into my subsequent relationships. A real life-saver.


    That gives me some hope.
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    Mar 03, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    fotoben said
    GordHunter said
    fotoben said
    GordHunter saidI saw a good therapist.....seriously.


    I might have to. It's weird how much of your lives get really entangled and then you have to pull it all apart.

    icon_cry.gif


    Too true my friend. I was wreck, ( 12 year relationship ) My whole life was turned upside down. Thankfully I did something to recover from the grief and self-pity.I learned major skills as far as not repeating some of the old, destructive patterns and was able to move on without bringing extra baggage into my subsequent relationships. A real life-saver.


    That gives me some hope.


    Yup, don't forget that....right now it probably feels all-consuming / overwhelming but you can come out of this a better man for it.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidJust did, it was (and still is at times) hard, but T and I came to a similar conclusion ("just" a 13mo relationship for us, though).

    Hope he doesn't mind me speaking for both of us here, lol. We still have a lot of love for each other and are great friends --I call us twin bros, for how close we line up, lol. As BFs though, we were starting to bring out each other's insecurities, and neither of us wanted that. After a couple of stumbles, we could see that we were only getting 95% of where we each wanted to be in a relationship and felt each deserved 100%. And both of us had seen relationships implode where the parties took it too far past the actual "end" of the relationship, and in the end not even a friendship could be salvaged. We really didn't want that.

    So, it's been a month or so, and we're still best friends. He tells me about his exploits (and I'm both titillated and happy for him, lol) and we still do weekly (at least) dinners together, shoot the shit, and then cuddle up on the couch and watch some tv/movies.

    There can be a path "out" that allows you to retain the height of your closeness, imo. And wise of you both to see that that "height" has passed and that trying to force that height again will only lead to resentment and the further eroding of whatever future relationship (lovers, ex's, bff's, friends, acquaintances) you're destined to have long term.

    Best wishes.


    D speaks truth, and does it well here. And for what he says above, even though it was my shortest LTR, it is perhaps my most important and meaningful.

    I've had a marriage (7.5 years, 5+ of which were married), and one other LTR (6 years). It is never easy to part. And in both of these cases, all contact was cut (except with the "mothers in law", hahahah!).

    After that sort of break-up, it takes a while to regroup. You have to re-learn what it means to be single again, and find your own path. It takes a while. It doesn't mean that you have to reject everything that you shared in a relationship... I still love the fact that I learned a new language via my ex husband, some of the food and music etc. But you find a new context for it to fit in.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:13 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    GordHunter saidYup, don't forget that....right now it probably feels all-consuming / overwhelming but you can come out of this a better man for it.

    So true. I think both T and I feel we've changed each other for the better and are actually better positioned for each of our next relationships. Done well, rather than a loss it can be a stepping stone.

    Someday-someone-is-going-to-thank-you-fo

    @T: Love ya!! :-)


    Love yah too... you are D-Best!
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:16 PM GMT
    As far as coping strategies... keep busy! Don't wallow... explore new things. Is there anything that you've been putting off that you didn't do ... either because of being too busy with other things as a couple, or because the other half didn't want to? Then do it.

    Yes, you need to reflect and digest what has happened, but try to manage how much of that you are doing at any given time. Don't bite off more than you can chew, LOL.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Mar 03, 2013 9:17 PM GMT
    i told him to give me 2 months notice, he did, he moved out at the end, and 12 years ended like that. no fuss no muss. im easy to break up with. still friends.

    sleep with some old exes, and some kids too young for you...move on. find someone else who loves you.

    stay friends.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:20 PM GMT
    therapy & time
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    I am still not sure whether I am fully over it or not. But yeah it sucks.
    As people have suggested try to avoid getting alone. Keep yourself busy.
    Just don't harp on what went wrong or why did it end.
    Therapy can help also.
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    Mar 03, 2013 9:33 PM GMT
    Thanks y'all.
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    If you don't already have one...Get a puppy..
    ...Give him all the love your x used to get..if not more..!

    ..Or do the Taylor Swift thing..Write a hit song!!?? .. icon_biggrin.gif
    (hope you pull through)
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:53 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidIf you don't already have one...Get a puppy..
    ...Give him all the love your x used to get..if not more..!

    ..Or do the Taylor Swift thing..Write a hit song!!?? .. icon_biggrin.gif
    (hope you pull through)


    I really do not recommend that... not right away, at least.

    Life may be unsettled. Puppies need a LOT of attention and care; depending on what circumstances you find yourself in, you may have less time than you think. And it could hold you back from some things (dates, travel, sport excursions, events with friends).

    Heal yourself a little first. A dog... especially a puppy... is a big commitment. They are not toys.
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    Mar 03, 2013 10:59 PM GMT

    It's not easy for me to give you advice without knowing what caused this or what kind of break-up is occurring. How is the BF doing?
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    Mar 03, 2013 11:14 PM GMT
    You will definitely find a lot more free time that you can use to explore yourself and make better changes. Keep busy, have friends and family around; and when you're comfortable start meeting other people that is not within your group of friends (not necessarily for hookups, but as friends).

    The hardest thing out of breaking long term relationships is that you would want a lot of things to be familiar, to get back to your previous routine. Don't. This is your time for self exploration and trying new things. It's time to finally do something crazy and new.

    Get a therapist if necessary. They help tons.

    Gym helped me out a lot, not only physically but also shaping my mental being. That and I did scuba diving.
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    Mar 03, 2013 11:39 PM GMT
    After I broke up with my exes, I occupied my time by staying busy. Busy meaning lots of hobbies and activities such as hanging out with friends, reading books, movies, job, etc. I didn't have time to think about the relationship so eventually, I got over them and moved on. I know it's easier said than done but it worked for me.
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    Firt of all, sorry to hear about the break up. Not the best feeling at all in the world. icon_sad.gif

    I broke up with mine two months ago, after 8 years of being together. Moved back with my parents, which was not ideal but they provide that family support that I needed. I hang out with my friends a lot more. They are getting me to do things that I always wanted to do but my ex never did. They, of course will point out many things they see why my ex is no good for me. But I have to be respectful to the relationship to never repeat them to him. I cut my long hair, now it's totally short, which looks much better. Have more time to focus on my job and find ways to improve my career path. I go out to bars and actually socialize with people without feeling like my bf is going to get jealous or think that I'm flirting.

    Still, it comes down to how and why you guys broke up. I did because he was dating someone on the side without telling me. Because of that I'm trying my best to cut contact with him and only speak to him if he message me.

    And yea keep busy on things that you love and will improve your life.
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    Mar 04, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    I want to speak for cutting contact. Not as a universal rule, by any means, but as an option.

    In previous threads I have written I talk about an experience I went through with a recent ex. We tried to remain friends. It was incredibly difficult for me. I eventually had to be brutally honest with myself, and with him, that I needed to cut all communication and move on for a long amount of time. I told him it could be years, but that I plan on coming back to talk one day. And I meant that.

    I believe this is just necessary for some people. The space between individuals is just as unique as each individual involved. So don't ever feel guilty for cutting contact if needed. Just do it with care. I told the ex that I was cutting contact to be loving, because I was seeing that we were still hurting each other by trying to remain friends. He agreed.

    Something about solidifying the termination of communication makes it much easier for me to move on. In past relationships it's always been necessary. In this relationship I tried something different and suffered because of it. In the future, I will probably revert to cutting contact unless their is a much different dynamic. In all cases, these things are the hardest part of life, but perhaps the most rewarding.

    I hope the pain subsides and you find even more love.

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    Mar 04, 2013 12:02 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry, man. Last time, I shut myself off from the world and wallowed for 6 months. But after that, I got better..
  • calibro

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    Mar 04, 2013 1:46 AM GMT
    it will take years
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    Mar 04, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    I think there are some things that will help with the healing process:

    1. Deal with your own shit. Accept your responsibility in the breakdown of your relationship. Learn from your mistakes and grow.
    2. Find a good therapist.
    3. Surround yourself with good, positive friends.
    4. Eat well, and get proper rest. Also EXERCISE.
    5. Read good books.
    6. Stay active... go out with friends, reconnect with family, etc
    7. Focus on your work.
    8. Separate from the person. You cant heal without a time of separation.
    9. Love yourself!
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Mar 04, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidJust did, it was (and still is at times) hard, but T and I came to a similar conclusion ("just" a 13mo relationship for us, though).

    Hope he doesn't mind me speaking for both of us here, lol. We still have a lot of love for each other and are great friends --I call us twin bros, for how close we line up, lol. As BFs though, we were starting to bring out each other's insecurities, and neither of us wanted that. After a couple of stumbles, we could see that we were only getting 95% of where we each wanted to be in a relationship and felt each deserved 100%. And both of us had seen relationships implode where the parties took it too far past the actual "end" of the relationship, and in the end not even a friendship could be salvaged. We really didn't want that.

    So, it's been a month or so, and we're still best friends. He tells me about his exploits (and I'm both titillated and happy for him, lol) and we still do weekly (at least) dinners together, shoot the shit, and then cuddle up on the couch and watch some tv/movies.

    There can be a path "out" that allows you to retain the height of your closeness, imo. And wise of you both to see that that "height" has passed and that trying to force that height again will only lead to resentment and the further eroding of whatever future relationship (lovers, ex's, bff's, friends, acquaintances) you're destined to have long term.

    Best wishes.


    And that 5% was so important that it justifies trowing away a perfectly good 95%? I believe there isn't "settling in" without some sort of "settling down".

    Besides, relationships go thorough cycles -even sexual dry spells. You can't pretend it will be a constant high.