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So here's a question guys...

Do normal, monogamous, lasting, relationships, between 2 men, really exist?

I live in Norfolk, VA, where the gay population isn't huge, but isn't small either. The are of Norfolk I live in is referred to as "gay Ghent" because it's a nice, residential area, lots of old houses converted into apartments, lots of shops, and has a huge gay population. It's big enough where you don't know everyone, but at the same time, small enough that you do know a lot of people--a majority.

But like every neat and tidy neighborhood, there are always secrets behind closed doors.

Pretty much EVERY relationship I encounter is an "open relationship" or a situation where they are "committed but play together". I mean, EVERY relationship, even if they aren't honest with their friends about it, one or the eventually lets it slip... Or someone who has gotten intertwined has let it slip.

I personally could never do that. I know some of you are thinking "never say never", but I know what I've seen, I know my mind, I know what I'm looking for, and I could just never do it, or EVER deal with cheating. It's what broke up my parent's marriage, and that turmoil and aftermath alone... Anyway....

Is ANYONE out there, around my age (2 or a little older, in a long term, monogamous, faithful relationship, that has been that way since DAY ONE and intends on keeping it that way? Do you find there are plenty of them out there and that perhaps I'm just living in Whore-Central? What are some insights and some advice that you can give on finding someone, and creating that great relationship?

To answer your questions:
Yes. Maybe. Good luck!

I was fortunate to be good friends with my partner before we committed. Because of the friendship and getting to know each other first, we knew all about each other's skeletons and we knew what each other's expectations were. That dynamic between us fostered a truly honest relationship. Honesty is always the key.

Oh yeah, I lived in the Ghent area once. They aren't all whores!

I absolutely think they exist. Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you...most of the gay men I know "in real life" have no interest in monogamy or are in open relationships anyway. I know I could never do that. I like the security that comes with knowing my partner is mine only and I am his only.

However, it's easy to observe on sites like this how many men DO want a stable, monogamous relationship...they'll even say it in their profiles. I try not to judge what goes on in other relationships, as much as I may not agree with them.

As far as advice, I'd say just keep looking...there are plenty of relationship-minded men out there...never settle for anything (or one) less than what you know you deserve!

ya, those other relationships are totally fake

http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/183584/

A little bid of your faith in humanity will be lost forever when you see and meet eyes with an incredibly hot guy.

You smile, he smiles, you brush up aggainst each other, you exchange words and then. You tell him his eyes are deep, his chest his hot, you're holding yourself back from squeezing his ass etc.

Yeah my boyfriend thinks so too, but Don't worry we have an open relationship

Oh for crying out loud.. lets just get it over with.. its like a bandaid...

NO, they don't... complete and utter rubber, never happens, never will..

But one day, I'm sure, when men have finally grown up, it could just maybe happen..

So no, they don't...

ugh how many times is this going to be asked.. I mean really.

hum...so those who may have open relationships are not really marriage or committed?

A lot more goes into being committed to someone and loving them than just being monogamus.

I'm been totally monogamous with my late and present partners, and with every BF I ever had. I didn't see other men until after the relationship with each BF was over, and cheating on my part was never the reason for the breakup. A cheating BF was the breakup cause twice.

Perhaps monogamous relationships exist among gay men. I've never seen one with my own eyes, though. I ended a relationship several years ago because my boyfriend was having orgies with porn stars. And one of my best friends, who is an absolute angel, had to end his last relationship because his boyfriend was having sex with their roommate.

More power to those who believe that faithful relationships exist. In my opinion, it's easier--and much safer--to think of all men as pigs and piglets .

My ex and I were together for 18 years. We were both faithful to each other, and to the relationship, up to the very end. So, "yes". Like anything else in life, it's what you make it.

LiftingHokie80 saidSo here's a question guys...

Do normal, monogamous, lasting, relationships, between 2 men, really exist?

Only if one of them is a robot. I'm waiting for 2050 when Apple finally comes out with iMan. I'll be old and ugly so I'll need one.

jakebenson saidOnly if one of them is a robot. I'm waiting for 2050 when Apple finally comes out with iMan. I'll be old and ugly so I'll need one.

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions

lilTanker said

jakebenson saidOnly if one of them is a robot. I'm waiting for 2050 when Apple finally comes out with iMan. I'll be old and ugly so I'll need one.

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions

Assumptions that better be read by one of those Apple Lurkers so my dream can come true god damnit!

When I hear of a gay man vehemently defend his right to slut it up with other men while his boyfriend is at home it makes me think of an alcoholic that defends his/her right to still drink and lush it up.

Damn is it really that important to passionately defend? I guess if my life were all about the clubs, building my body, total lack of spiritual nourishment and totally focus on hedonistic exploits I guess I'd be prompted to seek out sex with other partners as a way to give myself a thrill to my otherwise unfulfilled and unsatisfactory life.

Yes, possible, but apparently not so common.

My ex and I were together for 11 years monogamously and we were happy with it. He couldn't cheat if he wanted to (he is pathologically honest) and I had no interest -- even when I'd see a hot guy. Our relationship ended do to having very specialized careers and him having to take a job 800 miles away (long distance relationships -- now that is hard).

My circle of friends are all couples (except me now). They range from guys together for 23 years to guys together for 8 (and 12 and 20, and a few more indeterminate). I know one of them has a bit more open approach toward relationships, but the rest are, as far as I know (and I know them very well), monogamous.

I think part of it may be that where I live is very gay friendly, but doesn't have a ton of single gays over the age of 25 (college town). So it may be the environment too -- if you are immersed in an area with a lot of available, attractive guys, I could see that making an impact on success of monogamous relationships. Or not.

Two or more people have a right to any relationship they consent to. If people weren't so up tight about their own sexual needs perhaps there wouldn't be so much cheating. But hey, let's flog that dead horse called monogamy and hope everyone complies.

in a word yes! You jus have to find the right man that is willing to totally commit! Now there in lay the challenge mi amigo!

Sometimes yes. Most people are idealists and disappointed by the realism of most relationships, gay or straight.

Everlasting? rarely

Wow, it's sad how many people don't believe in true relationships. People who are in open relationships are only using the other person. Its like wanting to have your cake and eat it too. These people want the comfortability and stability of a relationship without the commitment and responsibility that goes along with it. It's just easier and more satisfying to them to go out and have sex with each hot new guy that they meet and at the end of the night or when they've had a bad day to go back to their significant other. It kinda seems a bit dirty to me and I could never put myself in that situation.

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for three years now. We were freshman roommates before and when it began and have continually lived together since. We were both virgins wanting to wait until the right person came along and when we decided each of us thought the other was the right person, then we finally had sex. In the whole three years, we broke up once for one month b/c I was tired of being in the closet and he wasn't ready to come out. But the breakup made him realize otherwise. 3 years later still happy, neither one of us cheat and have complete trust in the other. The temptation has come and gone for me before. We both enjoy looking at other guys, but that is as far as it goes. Neither one of us get our feelings hurt about it b/c its harmless. When it was propositioned by a hot friend, we considered a threesome but dropped the idea b/c neither one of us could stand the thought of another guy touching the other. lol.

So, If you think I'm just gloating, You're wrong. The point is that if you are willing to practice a bit of self control, trust, and compromise, and you care enough to set standards and stick to morals, then yes. It is possible to have a real relationship.

Randelle saidThe point is that if you are willing to practice a bit of self control, trust, and compromise, and you care enough to set standards and stick to morals, then yes. It is possible to have a real relationship.

... with a woman. Yes homos, if you practice a little self control and stick to morals you too can marry a woman and father children.

Knock is off with the moralizing. There are throngs of people who think your perfectly monogamous relationship is immoral. But it works for you and so you should be able to do it. Why would you call other relationships immoral just because they don't fit your tiny little perception of what a 'true' relationship is?

Christ, the lot of you. Is this a gay forum or a meeting of the Christian Coalition?

MunchingZombie said

Randelle saidThe point is that if you are willing to practice a bit of self control, trust, and compromise, and you care enough to set standards and stick to morals, then yes. It is possible to have a real relationship.

... with a woman. Yes homos, if you practice a little self control and stick to morals you too can marry a woman and father children.

Knock is off with the moralizing. There are throngs of people who think your perfectly monogamous relationship is immoral. But it works for you and so you should be able to do it. Why would you call other relationships immoral just because they don't fit your tiny little perception of what a 'true' relationship is?

Christ, the lot of you. Is this a gay forum or a meeting of the Christian Coalition?

I'm thinking the later the more these forums pop up.

I would say yes. If they can exsist in the straight world then surely they can exsist in the gay world as well. It all depends on you and who you are dealing with. What are both of your strengths and weaknesses and can you come together in terms? In the end we are only human.

I met a gay couple, who are now very good friends of mine, and they have been exclusive with one another for 23 years. They have never been unfaithful and have weathered some hard times and are still together.

A relationships is all about what you are willing to do to make it work. Some fail at making it work. It's all about what you wanna do with it and how far you are willing to go tokeep it afloat.

Yes!!

However, all human relationships have value. The reason why non monogamous relationships are seen as being less than perfect is simple. Society's ideas about sex are stuck in the past. Sex is a thing of beauty when two or more people come together to share themselves both emotionally and physically. There is a reason why it feels so good and that is because it is good. It is OK to share this beauty with one person exclusively or with many. It is only society reflecting itself upon you that makes it something dirty.

Keep smilin and havin fun.

Hey LiftingHokie8,

...by now you're probably considerably wider of eye. heh

Monogamous? yep 19 years. Normal? Nope. No such thing.

We think the trouble here is equating monogamy with 'normal'. There are many in open or polyamourous relationships, awarding them the title of normal, too!

Which is better? Really the answer is entirely subjective.

Some here are totally fed up with this topic as it comes up again and again, but hey, everyone's entitled to ask the question!
http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/183584/ was kindly provided by MunchingZombie, and it's an interesting read. Enjoy!

-us

Ha, ha! I kid...of course monogamous, lasting relationships between two men really exist. Me & my man Scott have known each other for six years and been together for over five of them so we are living proof to the best of my knowledge. Now as far as that "normal" part goes...the parameters are so subjective I'm not quite sure "normal" relationships exist for anyone!

MunchingZombie saidTwo or more people have a right to any relationship they consent to. If people weren't so up tight about their own sexual needs perhaps there wouldn't be so much cheating. But hey, let's flog that dead horse called monogamy and hope everyone complies.

Wish I could believe your theory but guys who have open relationships keep a lot of their whoring excursions from each other. I see it happen all the time. There's a lot of deceit with people in these situations.

I agree that honesty is important and that people can agree to whatever type of relationship they want. But open relationships doesn't automatically imply honesty. TRUST ME.

alexander7 saidYes!!

However, all human relationships have value. The reason why non monogamous relationships are seen as being less than perfect is simple. Society's ideas about sex are stuck in the past. Sex is a thing of beauty when two or more people come together to share themselves both emotionally and physically. There is a reason why it feels so good and that is because it is good. It is OK to share this beauty with one person exclusively or with many. It is only society reflecting itself upon you that makes it something dirty.

Keep smilin and havin fun.

I really enjoy sex but I don't enjoy it to the degree that if I were to have a husband that there would be a need to have it with people that don't have the same importance in my life (as my husband would).

I'm soured by how men have anticipated sex from me and when I don't put out then they find some way to slink away. That's all they want from me and I'm so much more than that. It's not an ego boost for me as I know it is for some of you guys. Should I take it personal? I try not to but it's hard when you're misinterpreting a man's actions for what seems like an attempt at establishing friendship when all he really wanted was a lay. But that's fine, time tells all. With patience and time people reveal their true nature. And weeding these people out of my life, although it may be hard, is better for me in the long run.

muchmorethanmuscle saidWish I could believe your theory but guys who have open relationships keep a lot of their whoring excursions from each other. I see it happen all the time. There's a lot of deceit with people in these situations.

I agree that honesty is important and that people can agree to whatever type of relationship they want. But open relationships doesn't automatically imply honesty. TRUST ME.

I don't see the link between an open relationship between open relationships and honesty. Sure some people in open relationships aren't honest, but there can be just as much dishonesty in supposedly monogamous relationships.

The key point is the ability to trust your partner and so be honest with them. This is something that not everyone can deal with. Whether you are in an open or closed relationship makes no difference to that at all.

Sex should not be the most important thing in your relationship. If you don't like the thought of another man touching your partner then you need to accept that jealousy is a major part of your makeup. Nothing wrong with that. But relationships break up because of a lack of honesty, cheating cannot happen any other way, regardless of it being open or closed. If cheating does occur then either you can deal with the breach of trust or you can't, and your relationship will survive or it won't.

LiftingHokie80,

Welcome to the world of damaged goods. It's hard for me to give you any uplifting advice. There are real, faithful relationships out there but they're few and far between.

I'm 30 years old and have only been in one relationship with a guy. It lasted for 4 years and was monogamous. I basically came out when I was 15 years old. That's 11 years of roaming around this world wondering "where are the genuine, masculine, smart and handsome guys?"

This past year I did meet my soul mate. He's an amazing guy, everything I'd ever want in a man. We even share the same goals and dreams in life. But he's afraid of commitment and doesn't even want to take the effort to change his ways. SO, yet another grown man living his lone, single, fling filled life.

My advice, just try not to think about it all. Keep your eyes on your personal goals and be open to the real thing if it ever comes along. It may never, but if you don't focus on how slim the chances are at least you become jaded and miserable.

One day I hope to meet that Husband kinda guy, buy a house or large apartment, and have a kid. I've always wanted to be a father.

muchmorethanmuscle said

alexander7 said

I really enjoy sex but I don't enjoy it to the degree that if I were to have a husband that there would be a need to have it with people that don't have the same importance in my life (as my husband would).

I'm soured by how men have anticipated sex from me and when I don't put out then they find some way to slink away. That's all they want from me and I'm so much more than that. It's not an ego boost for me as I know it is for some of you guys. Should I take it personal? I try not to but it's hard when you're misinterpreting a man's actions for what seems like an attempt at establishing friendship when all he really wanted was a lay. But that's fine, time tells all. With patience and time people reveal their true nature. And weeding these people out of my life, although it may be hard, is better for me in the long run.

Very well put!! I think you should seek out what you want in a relationship and weed out all the rest. When I wrote of beauty, I was not writing about a hookup or one night stand. There is no more beauty in that then there is in scarfing down a candy bar because you are hungry. In fact, those kind of situations for me in the past have just left me feeling empty.

AMT87 saidA little bid of your faith in humanity will be lost forever when you see and meet eyes with an incredibly hot guy.

You smile, he smiles, you brush up aggainst each other, you exchange words and then. You tell him his eyes are deep, his chest his hot, you're holding yourself back from squeezing his ass etc.

Yeah my boyfriend thinks so too, but Don't worry we have an open relationship

I hope that at some point you get to the point in your relationship, that when that moment happens, all you think about after the thought of grabbing his ass, is to immediately think, how unnecessary, because you've already grabbed the hottest ass in thee world, and it's getting your drink right now.

Cheers!

muchmorethanmuscle saidWish I could believe your theory but guys who have open relationships keep a lot of their whoring excursions from each other. I see it happen all the time. There's a lot of deceit with people in these situations.

I agree that honesty is important and that people can agree to whatever type of relationship they want. But open relationships doesn't automatically imply honesty. TRUST ME.

Oh, I trust and believe in you Much.

But, there is a difference between an open relationship and a relationship where someone fucks around. Sure, people say "I am in an open relationship" but what they really mean to say is "I am in a relationship, but I cheat".

But again, if people were more honest about their sexual needs there wouldn't be a need to cheat. And of corse people are going to be scummy and keep that vital information from their partners but spray it on the faces of the guys at the bath house.

So basically, other than a couple of other hopefuls out there, everyone thinks "happily ever after" really is just a fairytale? Should I hold out hope? LOL

No, go for it, fall in love, and spend the rest of your life with that person. Get married and be happy.

It's your life, don't look for a gay rule. Even if it exists, become the exception.

Good luck

If you want it, ask for it, and accept nothing less. Things have a way of coming into our lives when we actually do that.

In all things, we get what we settle for.

I don't know. Hope for the best and expect a roller coaster ride. I lost my partner before we could hit certain trials and challenges. I often wonder what would have happened later on. You know, it's much easier to fantasize about the positive of the unknown? The only thing I can tell you is no matter what happens you loved greatly and were loved greatly. Envelope that and let it envelope you. It's a gift. Anything beyond that even if it takes a negative turn or not exactly how you would have wanted it to be you've still got that one gift. Many many many years from now when you realize that, even if things weren't storybook perfect you will be able to say it was all worth it. Don't fret about what may happen in the future. Enjoy that ride!! On every level

LiftingHokie80 saidSo basically, other than a couple of other hopefuls out there, everyone thinks "happily ever after" really is just a fairytale? Should I hold out hope? LOL

Hold out hope! Remember that a lot of guys, once in a happy partnership, often don't frequent websites much anymore (granted, RJ has a lot more to offer than dating, so it's an exception, but). So you aren't hearing from a large "silent" population of coupled guys.

As I mentioned, nearly my entire circle of friends consists of coupled, long term gay relationships (most are 10+ years, some are 20+ years) and while many of them are athletic, none of them, other than me, posts here. So if you extrapolate from my sample size of 1 -- 1 poster saying Yes represents 13 guys (12 in couples plus me -- who's single but was in an monogamous, happy LTR for 11 years and expects to be in one again, once that damn Mr Right shows up) and assume there are others, the numbers start adding up fast!

monogamy is what i look for most. Someone willing to give up the one night stands. Someone that is not wondering if the grass is greener some where else. Someone who truly wants to be loved. To be in the arms of someone who knows how to comfort. Someone who will stand by you in good and bad days.
Someone who trusts and can be trusted. Someone who wants more than just sex.
A man with a sense of him self, but is willing to understand i have thoughts feelings and I know what i believe in.
I will not settle for second best. I will settle for what is not the complete package. When i do see someone who is worth my time, I give 110%.
I think i might have found someone worth the time to get to know him better. I am taking a big risk.
Meeting someone on line is always a big risk. But i think in this life you have to take that risk.

oh hell, not this convo AGAIN?! no matter what anyone says about this,

"i've heard it all before"