Hes just not that into you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 3:03 PM GMT
    I find myself being asked by friends, family for dating advice and i've noticed there are a few common themes that come into play in every relationship. I feel like people overcomplicate/overanalyze situations to a fault. While each relationship is unique- the underlying needs of the individual are remarkably similar. I've received some great advice from happily married couples in my travels and I've also learned a few lessons myself. No matter how complicated your relationship seems to be- there are some simple concepts that can greatly help you to work out your issues. I decided to write this post to offer some helpful pointers to those who may be too embarrassed to seek advice- or may not have anyone objective to talk to. (yes- i'm talking about you guys with the hidden profiles posting the majority of the relationship/dating questions)

    The beginning- this is the time where you show each other your best. If he's not giving you the time or attention you need now.. don't expect anything different 1 year into a relationship. People do not change and you shouldn't expect them to.

    Always give your best- Be sure to treat him as you would like to be treated. In life there are always going to be ups and downs.. all you can do is give your best effort. Your best on a monday may be different from your best on a friday afternoon at 4 pm... but its all about intention. You should want to make your partner happy.

    Make no assumptions- The only way to get on the same page as your dude is to talk! The root of most disagreements/fights are miscommunications. You are crazy to think you can know what someone else is thinking, and crazier to think they can read your mind. You will save yourself from feelings of disappointment/hurt if you stop making assumptions. Make your needs clear and if something confuses you -ask questions! To assume is to make an ass out of you and me.

    Actions speak louder than words- If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.. its a mother fucking duck. If their actions contradict their expressed desires/ goals - they may be misrepresenting themselves. Example: He say he wants a relationship, yet all he talks about is sex. If he wanted a relationship he would take the time to date you/ get to know you.. not just sext you late at night. The simplest answer tends to be the correct one. "Show me more, tell me less!"

    You get back what you put out there- Lead by example! The best leaders tend to embody the qualities they expect from others. If you constantly find yourself dating the same types of guys and getting the same shitty results you might want to take a long look in the mirror and reflect. Your actions may be contradictory to your goals and desires.

    You'll never get there unless know where you're going- If you don't know what you want you're never going to find someone that fulfills you. Sit down and make a list of what qualities are important to you in a partner and reference it when you meet a potential suitor. You will save a lot of time and energy by realizing up front whether the person meets your basic criteria. You are only setting yourself up for failure if you try dating someone with different goals and desires.

    DONT PLAY GAMES- Make your intentions clear, put in a solid effort- show them you are interested! Don't be shy, guarded, or make them chase after you. Theres a certain vulnerability that comes with expressing interest in someone; be respectful and give them credit for having the balls to make their feelings known. Mixed signals can drive people away!! If you like the person tell them! Show them that you are interested and see how they respond. If you put in the time and effort and they do not reciprocate.. you have your answer. Move on and have no regret- you tried.

    Relationships are made- not found. Relationships take work and you have to be willing to recognize that no two people are 100% compatible. It will take patience, compassion, and some hard work to resolve issues that may arise. There will always be things that you don't see eye to eye on- just accept it. Do not let some silly difference in opinion jeopardize your relationship. You can disagree.. but be kind to each other!

    Are they a friend? Its easy to justify/rationalize behaviors when you're infatuated with someone; it is important to remember that love is a two way street and good relationships are built on mutual respect/fascination. Your love interest should exhibit the same qualities of a good friend- someone that is supportive, trustworthy, dependable . If someone cares about you they will put in the effort- despite whatever obstacles may be in the way i.e. schedules, distance, work, family etc.

    The Bottom Line:

    Nobody would willingly sign up for a one sided friendship and it certainly doesn't work in a romantic relationship. A good partner should make you feel feel wanted and special- a PRIORITY. If someone is interested they will make the time to show you they care. When you like someone you'll probably think about them at random moments throughout the day... and even if you are "busy" you'll still find the time to send a quick message or phone call. It should not feel like work or an obligation. Busy typically means "I'm not thinking of you" and If you feel like you are getting mixed signals or he's just not putting in an equal amount of effort... chances are.... HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! Don't over think it- just move on.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 3:04 PM GMT
    Note: Do not overcomplicate matters Do not beat yourself up- There are plenty of fish in the sea.. the key is not wasting your time with bad candidates! We all have different needs. There are plenty of factors that come into play when we consider compatibility/chemistry- its a numbers game! Prequalify your date and make sure you have the same goals- this will at least prevent you from wasting time on the wrong guys.


    Happy Hunting!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 3:07 PM GMT
    Editing makes sense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidEditing makes sense.


    It was an off the cuff post- lets pay attention to the underlying ideas.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    I really really love this post!!.

    Catchy Screen name...I think you are my hero of the day.. icon_biggrin.gif

    ... This post also applies to making and keeping great friends .





  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 05, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    I agree with what u said.

    Sad thing is ppl always tend to over-analyze, myself included. Good advice tho
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    Great advice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 4:35 PM GMT
    catchy_screen_name said
    Make no assumptions- The only way to get on the same page as your dude is to talk! The root of most disagreements/fights are miscommunications. You are crazy to think you can know what someone else is thinking, and crazier to think they can read your mind. You will save yourself from feelings of disappointment/hurt if you stop making assumptions. Make your needs clear and if something confuses you -ask questions! To assume is to make an ass out of you and me.

    Relationships are made- not found. Relationships take work and you have to be willing to recognize that no two people are 100% compatible. It will take patience, compassion, and some hard work to resolve issues that may arise. There will always be things that you don't see eye to eye on- just accept it. Do not let some silly difference in opinion jeopardize your relationship. You can disagree.. but be kind to each other!


    Some nice comments and some advice that a lot of guys never really get. For some reason there just isn't a lot of parental guidance on relationships. I particularly like these two comments. Communications is number one in my book and followed up closely by the work it takes to develop and maintain a relationship.

    Nice post!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 4:37 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidI really really love this post!!.

    Catchy Screen name...I think you are my hero of the day.. icon_biggrin.gif

    ... This post also applies to making and keeping great friends .







    Absolutely - you get it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 4:43 PM GMT
    Import saidI agree with what u said.

    Sad thing is ppl always tend to over-analyze, myself included. Good advice tho


    Thanks pal

    I think attachment causes us to over think- especially when the answers are right in front of our face.. We get attached to an idea or person and don't want to let it go... instead of accepting the truth we go around in circles looking for a different outcome.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Mar 05, 2013 5:07 PM GMT
    Great post, Catchy. Worthwhile reading for any of us on the dating continuum.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 5:51 PM GMT
    "If you like the person tell them!"

    Really? I don't think this is ever a good idea, it's a turn off or sign of weakness I think. But this is coming from a pickup artist mentality. Dating guys is a numbers game, employing pickup techniques and being able to let every one of them go is the only to keep their interest piqued so you can setup your 2nd and 3rd dates.

    I'm at a point where I'm done texting or calling them first after a "first meetup/date"

    The OP says don't play games, but really can we be that frank. Real and honest with someone the first time we are meeting them? Dating in the online community often brings you together with someone just one time. So what then? I say tell them "it's up to you, we can hangout again whenever you want".... and keep gaming the whole time.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 05, 2013 6:10 PM GMT
    i didn't read what you posted, but i'm still going to disagree
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    Read every word, and I will definitely keep it in my pocket. Reminds me of the movie "He's just not that into you" and I took home some valuable information from that movie. icon_cool.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 6:40 PM GMT
    gogo_glowstik said"If you like the person tell them!"

    Really? I don't think this is ever a good idea, it's a turn off or sign of weakness I think. But this is coming from a pickup artist mentality. Dating guys is a numbers game, employing pickup techniques and being able to let every one of them go is the only to keep their interest piqued so you can setup your 2nd and 3rd dates.

    I'm at a point where I'm done texting or calling them first after a "first meetup/date"

    The OP says don't play games, but really can we be that frank. Real and honest with someone the first time we are meeting them? Dating in the online community often brings you together with someone just one time. So what then? I say tell them "it's up to you, we can hangout again whenever you want".... and keep gaming the whole time.


    Its easy to get a date- You make friends with somebody by honestly representing yourself and letting them get to know you.

    "I don't think this is ever a good idea, it's a turn off or sign of weakness"
    - you are not weak for expressing an interest in someone.

    "I'm at a point where I'm done texting or calling them first after a "first meetup/date""
    - you obviously haven't met anyone thats really caught your interest.

    Playing hard to get is stupid- You either click or you don't, its easier to figure it out up front. Playing games and making them "want you" is a sign of insecurity and a bit of a power play. What happens when they get to know you and they don't like you? You just wasted everyone's time.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 6:58 PM GMT
    I definitely am one to over-analyze things. Currently dealing with a one-sided friendship at work. It's causing a lot more stress than it should. The guy has always given me advice, backed me up, told me how much he appreciates me. He used to give me hugs and tell me he loves me all the time; showed a lot of affection. But we've never had much of a relationship outside of work. I've been to his house twice, but otherwise he's focused on his home life/kids/marriage, etc.

    Lately things have been more distant between us and it's been really hard on me. As you said, relationships take work and I can't seem to fix this one right now. But I care about him way too much to just drop everything and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 7:49 PM GMT
    Good advice!

    I don't agree with all of it, but as in life, you take in the meat and throw out the bones.
    So it applies here as well.

    Thanks
    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 8:00 PM GMT
    DarkMatter saidGood advice!

    I don't agree with all of it, but as in life, you take in the meat and throw out the bones.
    So it applies here as well.

    Thanks
    icon_wink.gif


    that was the goal pal- everyone will get something different from it. =)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 8:01 PM GMT
    You're cute and this is basically what my friends bark at me whenever I get involved with a tool....
    Great advice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 10:23 PM GMT
    catchy_screen_name said

    The beginning- this is the time where you show each other your best. If he's not giving you the time or attention you need now.. don't expect anything different 1 year into a relationship. People do not change and you shouldn't expect them to.

    Always give your best- Be sure to treat him as you would like to be treated. In life there are always going to be ups and downs.. all you can do is give your best effort. Your best on a monday may be different from your best on a friday afternoon at 4 pm... but its all about intention. You should want to make your partner happy.

    Make no assumptions- The only way to get on the same page as your dude is to talk! The root of most disagreements/fights are miscommunications. You are crazy to think you can know what someone else is thinking, and crazier to think they can read your mind. You will save yourself from feelings of disappointment/hurt if you stop making assumptions. Make your needs clear and if something confuses you -ask questions! To assume is to make an ass out of you and me.

    Actions speak louder than words- If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.. its a mother fucking duck. If their actions contradict their expressed desires/ goals - they may be misrepresenting themselves. Example: He say he wants a relationship, yet all he talks about is sex. If he wanted a relationship he would take the time to date you/ get to know you.. not just sext you late at night. The simplest answer tends to be the correct one. "Show me more, tell me less!"

    You get back what you put out there- Lead by example! The best leaders tend to embody the qualities they expect from others. If you constantly find yourself dating the same types of guys and getting the same shitty results you might want to take a long look in the mirror and reflect. Your actions may be contradictory to your goals and desires.

    You'll never get there unless know where you're going- If you don't know what you want you're never going to find someone that fulfills you. Sit down and make a list of what qualities are important to you in a partner and reference it when you meet a potential suitor. You will save a lot of time and energy by realizing up front whether the person meets your basic criteria. You are only setting yourself up for failure if you try dating someone with different goals and desires.

    DONT PLAY GAMES- Make your intentions clear, put in a solid effort- show them you are interested! Don't be shy, guarded, or make them chase after you. Theres a certain vulnerability that comes with expressing interest in someone; be respectful and give them credit for having the balls to make their feelings known. Mixed signals can drive people away!! If you like the person tell them! Show them that you are interested and see how they respond. If you put in the time and effort and they do not reciprocate.. you have your answer. Move on and have no regret- you tried.

    Relationships are made- not found. Relationships take work and you have to be willing to recognize that no two people are 100% compatible. It will take patience, compassion, and some hard work to resolve issues that may arise. There will always be things that you don't see eye to eye on- just accept it. Do not let some silly difference in opinion jeopardize your relationship. You can disagree.. but be kind to each other!

    Are they a friend? Its easy to justify/rationalize behaviors when you're infatuated with someone; it is important to remember that love is a two way street and good relationships are built on mutual respect/fascination. Your love interest should exhibit the same qualities of a good friend- someone that is supportive, trustworthy, dependable . If someone cares about you they will put in the effort- despite whatever obstacles may be in the way i.e. schedules, distance, work, family etc.

    The Bottom Line:

    Nobody would willingly sign up for a one sided friendship and it certainly doesn't work in a romantic relationship. A good partner should make you feel feel wanted and special- a PRIORITY. If someone is interested they will make the time to show you they care. When you like someone you'll probably think about them at random moments throughout the day... and even if you are "busy" you'll still find the time to send a quick message or phone call. It should not feel like work or an obligation. Busy typically means "I'm not thinking of you" and If you feel like you are getting mixed signals or he's just not putting in an equal amount of effort... chances are.... HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! Don't over think it- just move on.



    THIS. One of the best post I've seen on here. I've been together with my guy for 12 years and everything in here is true. You have to be yourself, it takes work, there will be times when you don't get along. No relationship is perfect, but with respect, mutual compromise and a lot of honest affection, they can be amazing.
  • tupsi

    Posts: 5

    Mar 05, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    Fiyero27 saidI definitely am one to over-analyze things. Currently dealing with a one-sided friendship at work. It's causing a lot more stress than it should. The guy has always given me advice, backed me up, told me how much he appreciates me. He used to give me hugs and tell me he loves me all the time; showed a lot of affection. But we've never had much of a relationship outside of work. I've been to his house twice, but otherwise he's focused on his home life/kids/marriage, etc.

    Lately things have been more distant between us and it's been really hard on me. As you said, relationships take work and I can't seem to fix this one right now. But I care about him way too much to just drop everything and move on.


    Could this be the problem in your relationship? Whether you like it or not, it's probably time to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2013 11:13 PM GMT
    tupsi said
    Fiyero27 saidI definitely am one to over-analyze things. Currently dealing with a one-sided friendship at work. It's causing a lot more stress than it should. The guy has always given me advice, backed me up, told me how much he appreciates me. He used to give me hugs and tell me he loves me all the time; showed a lot of affection. But we've never had much of a relationship outside of work. I've been to his house twice, but otherwise he's focused on his home life/kids/marriage, etc.

    Lately things have been more distant between us and it's been really hard on me. As you said, relationships take work and I can't seem to fix this one right now. But I care about him way too much to just drop everything and move on.


    Could this be the problem in your relationship? Whether you like it or not, it's probably time to move on.
    It's a friendship not a romantic relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 12:44 AM GMT
    Great post catchy_screen. Solid, straight-forward advice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 1:18 AM GMT
    calibro saidi didn't read what you posted, but i'm still going to disagree


    I guess we know why you're still single, then! ;-)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2013 1:39 AM GMT
    I think a lot of people need to be reading this post. Some people just don't get it. Well here's a situation for everyone. Well said I must say.